Sungrl

Alcoholics projecting and blame shifting. Not so much. How do you brush off comments made,that are so hurtful and outrageous I feel like I have been sucker punched in the kidneys??

AnvilheadII

i'm not sure one SHOULD brush off hurtful comments said with evil intent? what boundaries do you have around how people are allowed to treat you? and how can you now enforce them?

Sungrl

Thanks!! I didn't mean "brush off" as in let it happen again. I will go NC again, I was doing really well and then BAM failed miserably. This feels like my rock bottom. Everything he said was the usual bs. Lack of intimacy my fault, I'm uptight, all I want to do is argue, I don't ever want to do anything. Quack, I know but it still hurts. Even considering the source. I still feel kinda like poo today. Just the fact that somebody can be so cold and wretched. I know I shouldn't be suprised, not my first time at this rodeo, But F***! I just don't get it.

CeciliaV

I'd say consider the source...

MsPINKAcres

Remember "Hurting people Hurt People"

Active addicts/alcoholics are usually drinking/using to numb some type of pain from life and most of them lash out at their loved ones to keep from looking at their own issues

Although this may explain their actions, it doesn't mean that it makes it acceptable behaviors.

Everyone deserves to be treated with respect, dignity, and honor ~

For me, if a person can't treat me that way - then I might examine if they need to be an active part of my life ~

just my e, s, & h

pink hugs

stella27

I have recently gotten a barrage of text messages from AXH when he's unhappy and it always hurts my feelings.

"I should have known better than to expect much from you" Me? The one who is raising the children and tending to all their needs and working my rear off because he walked out?

Before he left, he told me that I just wasn't very "interesting" anymore. Maybe because his behaviors had been interesting enough for the both of us? And how all I ever wanted to do was read. Because sitting in front of the TV drinking until I pass out isn't my idea of fun.

I weep for the sweet girl who honestly tried to make sense of all that meanness. I am better at letting it wash over me now and moving on than I used to be.

But all of you who stay and spend your precious time with men who act ugly to you have my sympathy. I did it for way too long, and I can now see the damage it did to my heart and my perceptions of myself.

dandylion

Dear Sungrl, just because you intellectually know about projection and blameshifting, doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt, emotionally. Verbal abuse is abuse.

English recent wrote a very good piece about this. Basically, she said: "alcoholics can use words that burn right through our skin" She pointed out that they will attack your sensitive points OR attack those areas that you are actually good in. I, myself, have had things said to me that were so bad that I am loathe to even remember them.

You already now that this is about him--and not you--in your brain.

When it is to the level that it is really affecting you negatively--don't you think it is time to consider putting a geographical seperation in place?? It may be the only option you have. You need to have a healthy sense of self-preservation--no one should have to put u p with abuse.

dandylion

Sungrl

I agree Dandy. I keep throwing myself into the fire. By now you'd think I know it burns. We don't live together anymore. I am perfectly fine without him. It's funny, the last time I went NC I had a wonderful sense of peace. I wasn't an axiety ridden nutball. I was keeping busy, planning ways to spend my time productivley and then one afternoon my kids were all pre-occupied. I have two teenage daughters at home and my son lives out of town. I was quite honestly just kind of bored, not lonely. I love spending quite time. Just bored. He texed asking what I was up to and off I go with the promise of cooking a nice meal (we both love to cook) and a movie. Maybe put the Brewer game on the radio. I went over, that went fine. It was the next time that the s*** hit the fan. Typical behavior for us. Pathetic to say the least. I went to the damn hardware store for bread!!! I hate when I do that.

dandylion

Well, Sungrl, don't beat yourself up for a little relapse--we all stumble, sometimes. Just get back o n the horse. You will just have more experience under your belt for when the "urge" comes around again!

Keep up the good work. It does get easier.

sincerely, dandylion

Rosiepetal

The key is know they are just hurtful comments meant to hurt you & that you refuse to let them do so.
Hard I know, don't give the other person the satisfaction of hurting you.

atalose

If you are going to keep an “open reservation for him” he’s going to do what he does best –hurt you.

No contact means no contact means no contact – unless of course you are keeping an “open reservation for him” which is then like playing on the railroad tracks when the train is coming. The train hits you, you retreat for a while YET keeping that “open reservation for him” by allowing him access to you when he feels like it.

Block his number and be done with this hurtful person- close the reservation!!!!

fairlyuncertain

This is a really beautiful statement, full of self-love and self-awareness. Good for you.

Mountainmanbob

(Matthew 4:17 ESV)
From that time Jesus began to preach, saying, “Repent, for the kingdom of heaven is at hand.”

concordance
Matt. 4:17 From that time marks a significant turning point in Matthew’s narrative (cf. 16:21), indicating that the preparations for Jesus’ messianic ministry are complete. Repent, for the kingdom of heaven is at hand. Jesus’ message builds on that of John the Baptist (see note on 3:2).

redatlanta

HOpefully you will go NC again. My strategy for dealing with blame shifting because my RAH was an expert at it was finally to try and stop defending myself and/or get in an argument with him to prove that he was incorrect.

Instead I just agreed with him. On every point. And then I would say I am all these terrible things so what the hell is wrong with you that you are with me? You should leave. I am an awful person. Backed in a corner because leaving wasn't what he wanted to do he would just sit there with an Oh s**t look on his face like how do I get out of this one?

Doesn't happen very much now but there have been major improvements in our relationship overall. He will start it every once in a while but stop before he gets slammed with my retort.