forever alone? no way! really?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 1,618
forever alone? no way! really?
My best friend is furious with me. She is cold shouldering me and it hurts. The last convo we had she was mean, but I understand she does care about me.
"Well I figured that by the time he had been gone so long you would have gotten sick and tired of waiting and dumped him." And "well I thought he would have relapsed by now and you would have dumped him. You can't have a bf lily. There is no moderation with you. It doesn't matter if they are an addict or not. You get all wrapped up in them. Maybe you just aren't the right type of person to have a relationship."
Oh.... well. Excuse me then.
I see the truth in her words from my past behavior. I do, but I have boundaries now, and it isn't fair to be told I am incapable of being in a relationship ever. Its like telling an addict they can't ever be sober.
I'm trying to justify my actions and my relationship to myself.
I didn't let him come home. I made him get his own place.
I made plans with my mom for tomorrow, not him.
This all started when she asked me to come over to her house last night to knit, and I respectfully declined and asked if we could arrange a playdate with the kids later in the week. She asked why not tonight? I said I had made other plans earlier in the day. She immediately exploded and accused me of hanging out with D. I told her the truth. Yes. We met up, went to celebrate recovery and had ice cream and Bible study together.
What did I do wrong??? Its not like I was sitting there smoking blunts with him, and she is treating me as if I was and it hurts.
My sponsor reminded me that what other people think of me is none of my business, but this is a friend I've known since the 7th grade. There are three of us all together in our "club" and we call it a sisterhood. Ugh.... maybe amends can only be made by living a healthy life for codependents too, not just addicts. I know I have abandoned her before, but I don't intend to again.
Thanks for letting me vent.
"Well I figured that by the time he had been gone so long you would have gotten sick and tired of waiting and dumped him." And "well I thought he would have relapsed by now and you would have dumped him. You can't have a bf lily. There is no moderation with you. It doesn't matter if they are an addict or not. You get all wrapped up in them. Maybe you just aren't the right type of person to have a relationship."
Oh.... well. Excuse me then.
I see the truth in her words from my past behavior. I do, but I have boundaries now, and it isn't fair to be told I am incapable of being in a relationship ever. Its like telling an addict they can't ever be sober.
I'm trying to justify my actions and my relationship to myself.
I didn't let him come home. I made him get his own place.
I made plans with my mom for tomorrow, not him.
This all started when she asked me to come over to her house last night to knit, and I respectfully declined and asked if we could arrange a playdate with the kids later in the week. She asked why not tonight? I said I had made other plans earlier in the day. She immediately exploded and accused me of hanging out with D. I told her the truth. Yes. We met up, went to celebrate recovery and had ice cream and Bible study together.
What did I do wrong??? Its not like I was sitting there smoking blunts with him, and she is treating me as if I was and it hurts.
My sponsor reminded me that what other people think of me is none of my business, but this is a friend I've known since the 7th grade. There are three of us all together in our "club" and we call it a sisterhood. Ugh.... maybe amends can only be made by living a healthy life for codependents too, not just addicts. I know I have abandoned her before, but I don't intend to again.
Thanks for letting me vent.
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
I have been on both sides of this so I really understand.
Like our addicted loved ones, we need to walk the walk of own recovery. Our actions will speaker louder then our words,
Hang in there, Lily, you are a beautiful flower in bloom.
Like our addicted loved ones, we need to walk the walk of own recovery. Our actions will speaker louder then our words,
Hang in there, Lily, you are a beautiful flower in bloom.
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
Lily...
Deep breath. Again. And again.
Friends are funny. I don't think your friend meant anything malicious. But when people care about us, they can get just as frustrated with us as we do with the addicts in our lives. It's part of the human condition. And just like we have no control over the addict or their addiction, our friends don't have control over us.
Let her calm down about it, then talk to her in a couple of days.
Best,
ZoSo
Deep breath. Again. And again.
Friends are funny. I don't think your friend meant anything malicious. But when people care about us, they can get just as frustrated with us as we do with the addicts in our lives. It's part of the human condition. And just like we have no control over the addict or their addiction, our friends don't have control over us.
Let her calm down about it, then talk to her in a couple of days.
Best,
ZoSo
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 311
Hey Lily- I too have been on both sides of this coin. I don't give relationship advice anymore, to my friends or anyone for that matter, unless I am asked. Even then I am careful because my opinion, at the end of the day, it is still only my opinion. I can do that now thanks to my recovery.
Your friend, however, is not educated regarding addiction, so maybe keep that in mind (or maybe she is I don't know). Please, never let someone pigeon hole you and tell you what you are or are not capable of. Stay positive, and the more you do, the more that will reflect outwardly. This codependency thing extends far beyond our direct qualifiers.
Our friends often do not understand our side of the street (life with addiction) so they too feel helpless over the situation- i.e. Step 1. I started to realize that I had to choose my audience. If I need counseling I go to a therapist. If I need support from those that understand, I go to a support group. If I need a hug and a laugh, I go to my friends. If I need a reality check, I go to my parents. If I need a positive affirmation, I go to the Dalai Lama. If I need intimacy, I go to (?). Work in progress.
I realize I have burned bridges with friends regarding their frustration with me. Everyone has their own idea of what is right and wrong. But we know from our experience with addiction that life is not black and white. If she is your true friend, you will reconcile at the right time.
All relationships suffer as a result of addiction and even healthy friendships have hard times. But there is so much room for positive growth and evolution. Maybe just express that comment felt hurtful and maybe redefine your boundaries around discussing your relationship.
Blessings- B&B
.
Your friend, however, is not educated regarding addiction, so maybe keep that in mind (or maybe she is I don't know). Please, never let someone pigeon hole you and tell you what you are or are not capable of. Stay positive, and the more you do, the more that will reflect outwardly. This codependency thing extends far beyond our direct qualifiers.
Our friends often do not understand our side of the street (life with addiction) so they too feel helpless over the situation- i.e. Step 1. I started to realize that I had to choose my audience. If I need counseling I go to a therapist. If I need support from those that understand, I go to a support group. If I need a hug and a laugh, I go to my friends. If I need a reality check, I go to my parents. If I need a positive affirmation, I go to the Dalai Lama. If I need intimacy, I go to (?). Work in progress.
I realize I have burned bridges with friends regarding their frustration with me. Everyone has their own idea of what is right and wrong. But we know from our experience with addiction that life is not black and white. If she is your true friend, you will reconcile at the right time.
All relationships suffer as a result of addiction and even healthy friendships have hard times. But there is so much room for positive growth and evolution. Maybe just express that comment felt hurtful and maybe redefine your boundaries around discussing your relationship.
Blessings- B&B
.
IsItAlright
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: rainbow
Posts: 157
Dear lily,
I'm here with u. My friends don't understand either. They blame me for not getting over exA. They logically think that Being with A is a big NO and nobody would ever accept a life like that... It made me feel myself so stupid and weak in front of them...
Blackandblue is right... Only people in sr would understand our trauma and feeling... Go to your frens for hugs and laugh and come to sr for venting and expressing your feeling...
Support is here. Hugs
I'm here with u. My friends don't understand either. They blame me for not getting over exA. They logically think that Being with A is a big NO and nobody would ever accept a life like that... It made me feel myself so stupid and weak in front of them...
Blackandblue is right... Only people in sr would understand our trauma and feeling... Go to your frens for hugs and laugh and come to sr for venting and expressing your feeling...
Support is here. Hugs
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