Avalon393

Thank you all for supporting me through this. I have not contacted my xabf since Friday and am starting to feel slightly better. I still am sleeping horribly and having a hard time eating. Also, I'm not sure why but it seems I am my weakest around 5 or 6pm. I Usually have a crying episode then. But I am seeing a little hope for my future. Last night I wrote down a detailed list of the traits I would like in my next partner. I know I still have alot to work on with myself before I could even attract or keep such a partner. I was going to text my xabf this morning apologizing and asking to see my dog once a week but it didn't feel right...because I don't feel sorry yet, I feel hurt still. And although I truly miss my dog I think a large part of it was hope that he would want to reconcile and I would get that feeling of being loved and longed for again. But I think even if that did happen I would know it was wrong...for myself, friends, and family. Also, If I'm going to put myself in that battefield of whether or not to give him another chance I would at least want it I be him who begins the conversation. I am stuck with this constant need to feed my ego and feel loved after him abandoning me 3 times now. I just keep trying to remind myself that he doesn't want me, he chose this, I did what I could...and need to let the cards fall where they may. He is such a cold person during each of our breakups that I wonder sometimes if this is really alcoholism or if he is just a sociopath? Or both. Who knows...thanks for listening.

CeciliaV

avalon, I'm sorry you're having a hard go of things, but kudos to you for staying NC! Healing with come with time.

If you're having a hard time around 5-6pm, maybe schedule something for yourself (watch a movie, pamper yourself, journal, etc. ) during that time?

dandylion

Avalon--good move on writing the list. I also found it very helpful to write down the worst episodes in the relationship--and reading every time I was "missing " him. You are doing great by maintaining the no contact.

You are so right that he doesn't love you. The alcoholic is so self-centered and selfish--their prime concern, above all else is how they are feeling in the moment--and how best to protect the ability to get to that next drink. Their brain is under the influence of a disease that does not care about you or your best interest. If you have boundries or legitimate needs they will quickly abandon you. They don't even love themselves. You could never trust him to love you.

He is not about love--he is about addiction.

This hurts now, but it will fade away, in time. The pain never leaves when living with an alcoholic or addict.

I cannot comment as to your little dog--as I do not know the situation. Could I ask--if he is your dog--why don't you have him?

sincerely, dandylion

Avalon393

Yes...tried to go jogging around that time yesterday and quickly turned around I am thinking maybe I should just stay with a friend or be out of the house around that time today. And it is both our dog but my mothers house isn't really suitable for a dog and my brother is very allergic. It is just hard because it was so sudden and I hadn't suggested he stop drinking or anything. I just menchined me moving out because I didn't feel like a priority to him. He sure validated that concern. The last thing I said to him was that I didn't want to see or hear from him ever again, which I feel guilty and stupid for saying :/

cam76

Hi Avalon
Don't feel stupid or silly for saying anything. You did not choose this, he chose it and you don't want to hear any lies or hurtful words from him.

I'm still struggling through my own breakup from my exabf so can understand some of how you are feeling. I find that the evenings are hardest also and I realise it's because that is the time when I want to settle at home after a long day and relax but it's difficult because I feel lonely without my partner here with me. I have evenings where I drive to a friends, go to the shops or just out for a walk to try and pass those few hours.

I also understand about your lack of eating and sleeping. When I can't eat much I have cereal, a yoghurt, fruit or toast, something easy to prepare and easy to eat. To help me sleep, I drink camomile tea and take herbal sleeping tablets which I got from a health food shop. They really help me relax and are non addictive and completely harmless to the body.

Again, I want to remind you, do not feel stupid or silly about anything you say or want to say to him. You have been hurt, you are grieving the loss of your relationship and are allowed to say silly things. That's ok! I do it all the time, so don't feel alone ha ha
Just try and remember that if you contact him, chances are you won't get the response you are looking for and you may end up feeling "silly" for trying. You will be ok, I promise. Keep reading the posts and stickys on this, they really help also. You are stronger than you think you are so try to keep that in mind at all times.

Rosiepetal

So sorry for your hurt.
It is good that you are recognising some of your feelings now, that is progress.
Keep focussing on yourself & taking one day at a time.
Hugs.