Rose6844

Well, turns out not all of our family drama is in the past. This weekend, at a family funeral, DH’s two older siblings, who moved far far away a few years back, tried to suck us back in.

His oldest sibling is an active alcoholic, and the two of them live together. They are always in crisis for one reason or another. This time, there is a very young child involved and they tried to get us to take on the problem (by which I mean, they feel we should step up and adopt the child).

It’s the same pattern. There’s a huge crisis. Only we can help. We say no. Next thing, the crisis is not quite so immediate.

I’m so angry. Angry on behalf of this little guy – who really does need to be adopted by someone (thank goodness children’s services is involved). Angry that they tried to dump this on us at a funeral (a baby’s funeral!). Angry that we have told them for the past 2 years to place this child for adoption (the alcoholic is the child’s grandparent), and that we have been very clear it is not something we will take on.

I never used to feel angry. I used to just put all that aside and do what I could for the kids. I think the 3+ year break from them has made it all the worse now.

Anyway, I told them no. Sad thing is, DH and I didn’t even have to think twice about it. Somehow that feels pretty rotten too.

Kialua

Ohh, isn't that the worse. What about the kid, what about me, what about the alcoholic. On and on. I know. I did get one of my relatives kids given to the other spouse in court. It's endless with these people. Have you ever reported to the CPS? I go back and forth on that as well. I know of kids that were ok in foster care and other kids that were abused. Take them only if they go to court and give up parental rights and then allow them to be adopted? I feel your pain. I don't know.

tromboneliness

I don't know. I can't tell you many times I've heard, at an Al-Anon meeting, "Yes, I know we're powerless, we can't fix people, we have to keep our side of the street clean and put our own mask on here, and so on... but in this case, there are children involved, so we have to put our program aside and force solutions, control, manipulate, beg, plead, shoot people, fix alcoholics, and otherwise change the universe so these children won't have to go through the same thing we went through."

If all of those things could be done when kids are involved, they could be done when kids weren't involved. But the laws of physics are the laws of physics -- and our "laws" are pretty much the same way. And I really hate to say it, but people have -- within reason -- the right to raise their kids badly. In a dysfunctional home, even. We live with the consequences of our childhood experiences -- and it would be nice if they hadn't happened... but there you have it.

Family members love to tell us it's our problem, that if we don't fix it, who will, and that somehow, it must be fixed or the universe will end.

My sister -- World's Biggest Codependent™ -- can't save the world, even though she's gone so far as to donate one of her kidneys to it -- and neither can we. Some things just are not our responsibility.

Kialua

This is so true. They have the right to raise their kids badly. Until the government steps in. Like I said that can be even worse sometimes. I read a report that said even a bad abusive dad in your life is better than no dad. I don't know. I've had a lot stepping in with kids. The hardest thing is if the parents are still involved, then the kids are really torn. Of course these people never do what is best for the kids even if they give them to someone, they are always around creating havoc.

Rose6844

Thanks guys. The guilt and concern are tough for me. So much so that I wasn't sure if I should post. My SIL sure knows I'm the right person to target with this stuff.

But, i truly agree with all of the comments. We've been through this with many kids in the prior generation. Including the government stepping in, kids going to foster care, in some cases to our house. If I could do it all over again, I would have lisened less to the adults and would have called CPS on my nieces when they were young. But, it's a hard call to make and you never know the results. My fear at the time, likely valid, was that the end result would be my SIL cutting off all contact we had with her kids and keeping custody. They only went to foster care when things got so bad they asked to be removed.

Anyway, we learned the hard way and no longer respond to such emergencies. In the current situation, CPS interevention is warranted. They are already involved. The only question is whether my other SIL will intervene and say she will be the responsible adult in the house for this little guy. She has said that she won't. I have done as much as I can to encourage her to stick to her decision.

However, that's the logical side of it. The feeling side of it is a different story.

Kialua

Wow. Yeah it's the same old story. Well you will sure be in my prayers. I hope everything turns out ok. I know it's a hard decision and all choices are hard.