HuskyPup

It's been 7 years, and I am still struggling. I have found I am a very social person, and really benefit from secular/open groups, but I don't have any that I can make it to, and the lack of person to person support makes it hard on me. When I used to go to this dinky SMART meeting, me and the mod, till he moved away, that seemed to help the most...but all these types of meetings are when I work, or too far away, and my own efforts have been a big failure for about 7 years.

So often I just hate myself, and don't see any point in life.

Please, if you are going to say anything mean, don't. Please don't remind me of my failures, I have not forgotten them.

Just feel very, very sad, and feel like I have no place to turn.

deeker

t hate myself, and don't see any point in life.

Please, if you are going to say anything mean, don't. Please don't remind me of my failures, I have not forgotten them.

Just feel very, very sad, and feel like I have no place to turn.[/QUOTE]

Awww husky, we are not gonna say anything mean. I have known lonlieness with a capitol L. Guess what? You are not alone anymore. We all go through times like that. Give yourself a huge pat on the back for trying 7 years that is amazing. You will find very supportive friendships in here and I am glad you reached out. I use to have that emptiness in the depths of my soul too but I found something to fill it but I doubt you are gonna wanna hear what that is considering we are in secular forum but if u ever do u can pm me anytime. Still pm me anytime!!.

trachemys

Don't get down man. If you know how to run SMART meetings, why not run them here? They have different meetings in the chat room all the time.

HuskyPup

Thnaks, both of you!

Huh, I got kicked out of SMART online about 3 or 4 years ago? Something like that, when a lot of folks did...so I'm not sure how well I could do an online meting. Maybe! It's a long story, best left in the past, I think.

Though the in person version of SMART seemed so much different. It is like, on the internet, people seem so much, well, meaner...and I find it hard to feel that level of closeness. It's hard to explain, I guess I am an old-fashioned, face to face, hands on sort, more extroverted than not...the net has helped some, but when I look at all the bickering and posturing, I was even scared to post again, today. I feel pretty safe on this thread, but if I post elsewhere, it's made me run away pretty quick. It's not that I'm thin skinned, I just don't find a lot of arguing helpful, especially when your emotions are all raw.

I appreciate the help, and as for that emptiness, well, I'm just not a spiritual person, I have found. I am 45, and just never had those feelings, in any way that I could ever explain. I just believe the universe is random, and doesn't care about anyone or anything, it just is, I don't believe in Karma, or anything like that, you could say, not to put down anyone who does, but it's never been in me, part of me.

I have a lot of anxiety issues, I have been diagnosed with general anxiety disorder and agitated depression, it is like I am sad and angry and anxious, a lot of the time.

Well, it's 2 days of not drinking, so there is that, but my trouble is I go say 5 to 7 days, and then go way over the top, drink like 15 drinks in a long night on the weekend....not too healthy, I know.

trachemys

Pup, the people on here, this entire forum not just the secular area, are the kindest most supportive large group I have ever seen. I've been here about a month and haven't heard the first cross word or put-down.

The chat meetings are all moderated and there are rules about respect and behavior. You would have to arrange with the moderators to have a time reserved and a moderator reserved.

Give the folks a chance. Go up to the Newcomer to Recovery area and meet some of the people going through what you're going through. I just had a three day relapse last weekend and got the support here and there to stop again.

Welcome to the lifeboat.

Nonsensical

Toleration for non-step programs has grown a great deal here in the past few years. I was a member a few years ago (different name) and if you said anything except "I love the steps!" you risked getting flame-sprayed. It's much better now. Big tent - all of us against the addiction.

And I am sober now. Hmmmmmm.......

HuskyPup

Thanks, guys. I am still kinda scared to post in the main parts, due to the my past run-ins, even as I was just trying to explain my own path...I think because I had nobody to talk to about it regularly who wasn't somehow attacking it, I gave up wanting to communicate, and gave up trying...

Nice to see everyone here, and thanks for the welcomes. I can't say who it is, but there is one person I am very scared of, here; if he posts, I don't know what I'll do

Dee74

welcome back Husky
D

Received

Pup, you have the option to block any member you feel uncomfortable with.

I would encourage you to at least give it another try. If not, maybe just take some time to read.

Best to you.

HuskyPup

Thanks Dee, and long time no see, and thanks Received. There is always that blocked option, though it is hard when they quote you, and it makes you want to peek! And I am a rather combustable sort, in ways, so I have to be careful

There's been some changes in my life that I'll have to talk about; maybe in another thread, maybe here.

One thing: Baltimore is a hard town for stopping drinking...nature and hiking and biking are a long ways off, and when you get home late, it's like this whole city drinks, and the rest is closed. Well, not the whole city, but you get the idea. I don't really have any 'sober' friends, and that is hard...I find it hard to be around drinking, and not drink. Or such has been my 7 year record.

shockozulu

Husky, I'm still here and glad to see your face. Welcome back to Secular. I don't allow talk about the steps here so you shouldn't have worries.

GAD and Chronic Depression here so I know those feelings.

Harveysmiles

Hi Husky
I am new to this site but I identify with you. I have been plagued with depression all my life and used alcohol to self medicate. Living sober is painful for me. AA is not for me and there are no local secular alternatives so I have found my way here. I am only 3 weeks sober and it is tough.
I wish you luck.

ToddE1

Congratulations on 3 weeks Harvey.

wiscsober

HuskyPup you aren't alone. I have been to several recovery meetings in Baltimore and DC besides 12 step groups. Calls to some specific hotlines in Baltimore and county will get you in touch with secular recovery groups. Best to you.

ToddE1

Hey Husky. Sorry you're down (or were down). I'm new on this site, but not new to recovery. Just wanted to throw out another voice of support to you. These boards aren't real time, but it is real people.

I know it's not the same as f2f for a lot of people, but I pretty much only did online meetings. I have f2f SMART ones in my area. Gone a few times, but online is OK for me. I wasn't around SMART 3 years back. It seems pretty tolerant to me these days though. Maybe try LifeRing online too or instead of giving SMART another try. It's not much different than SMART. The online meetings are smaller, so you can normally get more time, if you want it.

I've been reading a bit of back posts on this secular forum, to catch the feel of the place, see where I might fit in or not. I've caught a few of your posts on a different thread, as well. I hope you don't mind my saying, but it seems your struggling a bit getting some traction on sober time. That can play havoc with the emotions.

Best of luck to you.

Take care, Todd

bemyself

Hi Husky,

I've followed some of your recent posts, and I must say you sound like a great, sensitive person. (All the best people are sensitive ya know :-))

My circumstances re recovery groups are different, but I too - as do many I think here on SR - feel that sense of 'not knowing where to turn'. I'm by no means some star of sobriety, in fact, I'm in the middle of another relapse with no immediate end in sight right now.

HOWEVER, sometimes it is just nice to log on to SR - especially, as you say, this section. It does (usually) feel a bit 'safer' for those of us who don't quite fit into This or That Way of Recovery. I salute this part of SR for generally being so eclectic, with some wonderful and deep thinking members.

I do hope you can hang in there, with your life just as it is right now, and please do keep on posting here. Some of us - like this grumpy old woman on the other side of the world - actually like reading about your story and experiences.

HuskyPup

Wow, so many replies, I'm not sure where to start!

@bemyself: Thanks for saying I sound like a sensitive person! And it very true that I feel as if I don't know where to turn. I didn't respond well to the barky, tough-love style I found at the 'step' meetings; it tended to make me feel more ashamed, small, and doomed. I'm sorry to hear you're in the midst of a relapse, there...I only have 4 days, and feel very precarious, myself. I'll do my best to keep posting here, and see where things go, and I'm happy that a 'grumpy old woman on the other side of the world' takes an interest. Speaking of which: Australia seems to fascinating to me...especially the flora and fauna. I've always had a keen interest in nature, and ever since I was a child, Australia has been one of my dream destinations, along with places like Madagascar, South Africa, Brazil, Tibet, Laos, and on and on. I must have been Margaret Mead, in a past life.

That is one thing I don't get much of a chance to do: travel. I really hope to, some day.

@Todd: Yeah, I've really been struggling to build up any significant amount of sober time...it's as if the motivation has gone out of me, or is very faint. I try to look at the pluses, as much as I can, though. I really love face to face talks with people best; and that's what's been so hard to find. I got kicked off of SMART for the silliest of reasons; they even blocked my IP address, so there is no chance of even starting over as a new 'person', with them online. I'm even hesitant about the RL SMART meetings, after this, though the ones I went to long ago did seem 100% better than the online version. I'll have to look at Lifering...I keep combing for live meetings, but maybe they have something online. I think I may have even joined once, but it was really slow, so I stopped posting there...it's hard to recall. But I'll take a look-see!

@wiscober: yep, I've been trying everything I can to find non-step meetings. I have found some SMART ones, but they are all when I work...so I don't know what else there is, or have not found anything yet.

I have thought about trying to start my own group, though I don't have much sober time, and am not sure how to promote it, given the overall lack of interest in the other non-step groups...it might be worth a try, though at an early stage, it's hard to blaze a new trail, if that makes sense...I almost feel like I need a leg up, before embarking on such a project, but maybe I should just try, anyway.

@Harvey...thanks, and good going on 3 weeks! Myself, well, I gotta try harder, I think.

Huh, I can't seem to think of much else to say...other than I feel kind of scared, and anxious right now, about a lot of things that seem very overwhelming, such as my teeth, vision, car, stagnant wages and rising costs, and getting older, death getting closer...I get really scared of death coming up so soon, it is like I am suddenly 45, and it has hit me hard how little time I have left. I know that sounds weird, but it keeps me up at night, the thought of death, and what happens, as useless as it is to mull over, I get terrified, pondering it.

~

On a proactive note, I've made appointments with two therapists. My last one moved to Vancouver, BC, and it's been about three moths now since I've seen anyone. So I've been doing some research into the sorts of approaches that have worked best, made numerous phone calls, and found two practitioners I'm eager to see.

The first has a background in Transactional Analysis, a field pioneered by Erik Berne, who wrote the (famous) book, "Games People Play". What's fascinating is that she actually studied with Erik Berne, now deceased, so this has me quite curious, as this field, along with its Gestalt counterparts, have long been helpful paradigms for me.

The other is a Jungian Analyst and art therapist, who studied at the C.G. Jung Institute in Zurich, Switzerland. Probably the best results I have ever had have been in such therapy, where I can discuss dreams, creativity, the motivation to create, what holds this back, unconscious contents, and relate all of this back to a way of living in the world.

I have not done very well with CBT approaches, though I find them useful on a certain level...yet they seem to miss something. The soul, perhaps? Funny, a fan of Nietzsche referring to the soul, but for a lack of a better term. Or rather I find therapies that focus on the person as an entirety more helpful than ones that feel more mechanistic.

I'll have to see how much insurance will pay for all this, as well; that will be another factor, as well as seeing who seems to be the best 'fit'.

Well, so long for now, thanks for the comments,

H. Pup

shockozulu

It's great to see you posting again. Good start

HuskyPup

Thanks, and I'll let everyone know how the therapy goes. I'm pretty excited about it, actually.

fini

Husky,

Lifering has lots on line: chat 24/7, scheduled meetings, email groups, one of which is very "safe" and no criticism allowed (- no "tough love" there) and a forum i was part of for several years.

my sober friend M i met at a f2f LR meeting when it started here (Vancouver), but before that, he'd been sober six years just with LR on-line.

see what you think.