Schnook

Hello, I am once again obsessed with worry over the well being of my 28 yr old AS. Each week for about 4 days he goes missing as he is now and is usually brought home by a kind stranger. I know he is suicidal but refuses to even talk about it when sober. I am working on detachment and finding the right alanon group. I find that I avoid many friends and family because I don't want to talk about him and hear their hurtful comments. My question is, how do you respond to those closest to you, like family members who give unsolicited advice and blame? If they ask me how he is doing, I am as honest as I have the strength to be and always feel much worse after talking to any of them. TY

deeker

For me if I knew others were not really concerned about his well being, I would just say "Why do you ask? " or "Thanks for asking, no news is good news I suppose" Especially if it just frustrates you when they ask and you know their motive is not pure. I wouldn't even discuss it with them but discuss with someone who is more supportive of you.

Schnook

I do believe their motives are pure, I think it's simple ignorance of addiction and the effect it has on me. I have such great compassion for the addict and family and friends of addicts only because I live it and am educating myself. You are right though, if they really wanted to help, they would learn to understand it more. It's hard to find supportive people who don't know what it feels like, don't you think?

dandylion

Schnook, as I have been in your same situation, my best advice is to seek help from alanon for yourself. This situation is too big for you to go alone. It is only going to get worse as time goes along.

Please read and l earn as much as you can on this forum about alcoholism and how we often times play into it--very unwittingly. of course.

If alanon is in your area--I suggest giving it a try.

sincerely, dandylion

Schnook

Thanks Dandylion, I have been to a few alanon meetings, the rooms are packed with 30+ people and not what I hoped it would be. No sponsers were available as nearly all had not worked the steps yet. I guess I should give it more time. My struggles with family addiction have gone on for so many years, I was looking for some immediate relief and didn't find it there.

deeker

Well early on I tried so hard to get my family to understand my alcoholism and addiction but as I look back The real reason it was so important for me to have them understand was so I could justify a relapse and come back and say Hey I am an alkie I have a disease.

As an addict/alkie ,It was kinda a way to manipulate them.


Maybe in a way you are trying to justify the behavior of your loved one to your family by trying to get them to understand the medical view? I just don't know. Maybe not on purpose but maybe you are hoping they will be more understanding if they knew more about the illness. They will never understand it.

I don't even discuss my addiction with my family members anymore. They will never get it. I got tired of trying to explain and it really just isn't that important. I am the only one who has to understand it. I found people who do understand it at AA/NA meetings. You will find the people who understand it at Al-anon meetings or Nar-anon.

It's like my son trying to get me to understand accounting and finance. I will never get it, I stink at math and it just isn't that important to our relationship that I do understand it. My addiction is my thing, math is his thing. U understand what I am trying to say?

dandylion

Schnook, good for you that you are aware that you need support. If you were to find an EXPERIENCED alcoholism counselor--they can help you with the dynamics that are going on in your family situation. You can still go to alanon meeting to listen and learn--and not to feel so alone with this.

When that room is so full---do you see how m any others are in pain and struggling with the aftermath of living with alcoholism??

I wish I had gotten help years before I did. There is help for you and your son. Believe that....and go get it. The alternative is to continue to live in misery.

Practice the serenity prayer--it helped me so many times.

You have my sincere empathy.

sincerely, dandylion

Schnook

Deeker, Thank you for your perspective and you make good points. I grew up with an alcoholic brother, a drug addicted husband, who thank God, has been clean for 6 years and my son now. I still can't understand addiction.
I do need to check my motives, too.

Hanna

Rather than attend meetings I post here and work the steps with a partner over email.

I enjoy the feedback and enjoy writing so it works for me. Also, online we don't have so many differences. Don't see age, physical appearance, education or socio-economic differences. Only what we have in common.

When people ask me about things I don't want to discuss I say "That's a tough topic for me right now. How are you doing?"

If someone can't respect that I distance myself. I'm very good at saying nothing when needed.

I knew a man that could stare someone in the eye without flinching when asked a question he didn't like or that was not the other person's business.. Almost as if the question had not been asked at all. It was incredibly awkward and they would move on to the next topic. Not something I normally need to do, but it works when people are pushing too hard.

marie1960

Schnook, it is evident that you are wearing your heart on your sleeve here, so perhaps when dealing with family members and friends be direct. You don't have offer the daily scoop of his troubled life. A simple " my son is an addict, please keep him in your thoughts", (and prayers) if you believe in a HP.

Yes, this disease can consume the whole family, we feel helpless, we feel like failures, we are frightened of what the future holds for them.

You do not need to hide, avoid, or live in shame. YOU did not cause this, my friend.


You have an opportunity here. It's all in your delivery. To those who are ignorant of addiction and make cruel remarks I would say, "I felt the same way you do, until I took the time and educated myself." Or be direct, "Your insensitive words are not helpful and I am offended." Turn and walk away, you do not have to engage or defend another's action's.

Sometimes we get to show others how we expect to be treated.
'

1newcreation

Hi Schnook
Sounds to me they are not really askin you how he's doing but to get gossip material for the next time they meet up when you're not there
Stick w/ Alnon & get the support you need from them
Best wishes

Schnook

Hanna, Agreed, those distractions are taken away on line and the conversations stay focused on why we are all here. I like that.

CeciliaV

hi Schnook - I understand your frustration when dealing with family members not "in the know." My AH is in rehab for the second time, and I had a VERY hard conversation with my parents this past weekend. I care for them, and I know they care for me and have (I hope!) good intentions, so I took the time to really discuss it with them honestly and openly. I didn't share nitty gritty details. I didn't share anything I wasn't comfortable with sharing, and I let them know that his recovery path is his, and it's a personal journey that he will have to work, and that I'm working on my recovery journey. I told them that what I need from them is not doom and gloom, but just for them to be there - not to talk about the "bad stuff" all the time. I set my boundaries and told them what I need. I didn't make it about my husband - I made it about me.

I think it's hard for someone who hasn't lived with or loved an alcoholic to "get it." I almost don't want them to - it's not something I wish for anyone else to live with or truly understand. I do at least hope that others can try to be understanding and can work on active listening, rather than making snide comments or being completely ignorant. But I guess when it comes down to it, some people just don't know how to be supportive. They think that they can show support by telling you what you should do under the guise of helpful advice. It may come from a good place, it may not...either way, unsolicited advice is rarely welcomed, especially when it is delivered in a judgmental manner. Good, supportive friends & family will listen to what you want to tell them, and they will tell you that you & your son are in their thoughts/prayers and they will ask how YOU are doing, not ask for the details of the latest trials and tribulations.

It's up to you whether you want to set and verbalize boundaries with those family members who you're having an issue with. You can set a boundary of "I don't wanna hear that crap" without ever even having to say it to them if you don't want to - that's up to you. But if you're comfortable, there's no harm in verbalizing those boundaries and telling folks that you need an outlet and support rather than judgment and advice...and if they can't accept that boundary, then you can just ask that the topic be removed from future conversations.