SadieJack

I finally created some boundaries between me and my A brother. I refused to let him move in with me and he "blew up". He called me all sorts of nasty things and disowned me as his sister. As much as I hate this situation, it has to be.

BUT, the repercussions of this situation now is that some of my family members (cousins, aunts and his adult children) are angry with me. They think I am a heartless bitch who doesn't care about my brother. I am getting the cold shoulder big time. Especially from his daughter, my niece. She wrote me a nasty email about how I was a lousy aunt, I never cared for her or my brother, etc.

This is just sickening. It is one thing to be estranged from my brother, but the baby (babies) are being thrown out with the proverbial bath water!

Thoughts? I am very sad and hurt.

fedup3

I'm sorry why isn't he living with the aunts, cousins or adult children?

BlueSkies1

Wow, how unfair. Why doesn't his adult daughter take him in? If you're a lousy aunt, she must be a lousy daughter...fair is fair, yes? (just thinking out loud here...not suggesting you repeat that!)

You are an adult and don't have to live with anybody you don't want to. My mom and sister tried to get me to take in my schizophrenic brother at one point. Obviously because neither of them wanted to live with him!
I stood my ground. No is no.

SadieJack

To be fair, his daughter is 19 years old and in college, so she really could not take him in. He does have 2 sons (who live together in his old house) who are 28 and 23 and could help him out. But they don't or won't. I feel like I am the "straw man (woman)" in this situation. Instead of blaming him, it is easier to blame me. He is sick (heart problems, neuropathy, cancerous polyps - all from drinking) and he is an alcoholic, so how dare I turn my back on him?

This disease is so destructive and insidious. I just hate it.

dandylion

SadieJack, I am sending you my support through the cyberspace. I know you love your brother and have actually done the best thing for you and for him.

I have been hurt by family, so I know how much they can hurt you. I believe your asscessment is absolutely correct. They are just scapegoating you for their own personal reasons. In time, they m ay come to see your position differently--especially if they have to take him on, at some point.

I think the serenity prayer would be good for you to remember in the coming days.

My heart is with you.

sincerely, dandylion

fedup3

"This disease is so destructive and insidious. I just hate it. " I AGREE.

But it's not YOUR disease or yours to solve. He has sons who can help him but don't want to so why does it come back on you? You didn't turn your back on him he turned his back on you when he decided drinking was the course he wanted to take. Please go easy on yourself it sounds as everyone knows if they guilt you you would be easy to cave in and take care of BRO. Pray for him, that would be the best thing you could do for him and please check out Alanon that would be for you.

Turn a deaf ear to the kids!

SadieJack

I love the Serenity Prayer! I had actually forgotten about it. Thanks for your support and advice everyone!

BlueSkies1

They're not blaming you. They're putting the heat on you hoping they can guilt trip you into it because they don't want to do it.
ha.
Sober people can be manipulative too, remember!

m1k3

There is no reason for you to defend her unacceptable behavior. If she isn't willing to make the sacrifice then she has no right to complain that you aren't making the sacrifice.

I agree with the recommendation of checking out Al-Anon. It was a life saver for me.


Your friend,

SadieJack

I would like to add something here....I brought my elderly mother from Michigan to live with me in Texas last year. I had no help from anyone (neither of my brothers, no cousins, aunt, uncles, nieces, nephews, etc.) I footed the cost of the move, I physically flew up there and packed her up, flew her to Dallas. She was in bad shape and she eventually died in August. During those 8 months, I fed her, cleaned her, washed her clothes, etc. When she went into the hospital for 3 months, I saw her everyday. She came home on hospice and she died here in my home.

anyway...my point is that I never got any cuddos for doing this, let alone help. And now, I am being condemned for not taking in my brother. Don't get it. Mom was 85 and very frail and had no one else to help her. There is no comparison here.

I am just thinking that I set a precedent here. Perhaps people are thinking that I took in my mom, so why not Rick??

BlueSkies1

Exactly, because you've already shown that you are the go-to person for taking people in. Not that it wasn't right for you to take your mother in! But taking in your own mother, who took care of you for so many years, who was ill and old, is a far cry from taking in a drunk. They don't compare.
Feel good about taking care of your mother. Feel good too, for taking care of your mental health and deciding NOT to take in your brother.
No guilt needed!

dandylion

Dear Sadie, You are right on, in my opinion. Unfortunately, we don't get to pick our genetic family!! Like many of us, It sounds like there is some dysfunction in your family--and probably for m any years. You can't help this, if it is true--just recognize it and do not personalize it. It is not about you--it is about them.

Your post brought me to tears. Thank God that you are you!. Regarding your mother--your contract was with God, and you truly lived up to that. The peace in your heart that you did the right thing is your reward for being there when no one else was.

Hang on tight to that serenity prayer. Those of us who have been in y our shoes understand!

dandylion

fairlyuncertain

Maybe you can set up an online chat or a f2f meeting w/the whole family and a trained addictions counselor or nurse, who can help the family understand the care your brother needs, how much it will cost, all of the logistics, and then you can all work together to make a plan for who would be able to host him? If the alc. isn't part of the process, he can't insert too much crazymaking.

SadieJack

Thank you Dandylion! You are very kind. I am single and without children, so it was always assumed that I would be the one to help mom. I thought there would be at least one person to help me out though!

Sadly, sometimes you get far more support from complete strangers than you do from your own family. The hospice nurses were here 24/7 for 5 days and they were a huge support. They would always ask me where my family was, and that made me so sad.

You are right. Big time dysfunction in my family, nuclear and extended. Alcoholism on both sides as well as mental illness. I have tried to stay away from the crazy drama, but it is hard to do. It does help to know there are others who can relate and support. God bless.

dandylion

Sadie, my mother 92yrs. passed, in hospice, on Jan. 20th. I spent the last 9 days sitting by her side around the clock. During that difficult time, my sister was so mean and rejecting of me--I can't describe how bad that felt. The hospice nurses and the rest of hospice staff took me into their hearts and loving arms--every day. I was carried by the loving hearts of strangers--while being rejected by my own sister!!

so. you see, I understand so much of what you are going through.

My takeaway: The world is filled with beautiful, compassionate and l oving souls--even if it isn't in my own family!!

sincerely, dandylion

SadieJack

Now your post made me tear up!! Thank you for sharing with me (us). I hope that time will help heal some of your wounds, as well as the support of others. Take care!!