cam76

Hi everyone, it's been a while since I last posted about my abf. We broke up 3 months ago after I asked him to leave our home. Oh it has been a tough 3 months, I feel like I'm on a roller coaster ride. Some days I feel good, positive for my future, other days, like today I wake up crying and can't shake the empty feeling.
In the past few months, I had no contact with my ex abf for several weeks at a time. I engaged in 6 weeks of therapy, attended al-anon meetings and did the best I could to keep busy. I even dated another guy.
But I still miss my ex abf desperately. He is still drinking and on the few occasions we have spoken we both realise that our connection and love is still very strong. I love him dearly, he is a great man and is very caring and loving to me. But his desire for alcohol is clearly still a huge issue. I have followed all advice of al-anon and my therapist to not push him but instead push myself to walk away. I just can't get there, I dream about him, cry for him, drive by his new apartment hoping to get a glimpse of him.
I guess this is a typical story of many of you out there and I don't even know what type of advice I'm asking for. I thought my feelings for him would have begun to change by now but it's not happening and I miss him as much as I did the day he left.
How is it possible to love someone so much and be so aware that they have a huge problem which will cause me ongoing pain? I hear stories of women who stay with their partner despite this problem and I'm scared I will end up like that. I love him, want him in my life but don't know how to do that.

SparkleKitty

The heart wants what the heart wants. That's true for everyone. Sadly, the heart doesn't always want what is best for you.

I am sorry you are still in such pain. It is so difficult to accept that the person we love is simply not the person we want them to be. I know right now it feels like that will never happen, but it will. Sending you strength and courage as you continue your journey of acceptance and recovery.

marie1960

Cam76

You know you deserve better. You are taking the steps to help you get to a healthier place in life. It doesn't happen overnight. All the hurt and pain you are currently feeling is just the tip of the iceberg. An active alcoholic cannot be a committed partner, you would be selling yourself short. You would be denying yourself, love, trust, security, honesty. You would spend your life on the crazytrain. No one deserves that.

Consider him a chapter in your life, accept it for what it is. He is NOT the one for you. Keep your mind occupied, get out and do healthy things. Live in your today. Let go of fantasy, he has shown you who he truly is, time to believe him.

I would stop driving by his house, and go no contact. Your current actions are holding you back. You don't have to be one of "those women", grab the life line, get in the boat, calmer seas and blue skies are really ahead. Keep telling yourself that YOU matter. Remember, you guys broke up because of his drinking, and he is still drinking. He choose the booze, and without his will to recover, he will choose the booze everytime.

You deserve so much better, stay strong.

MsPINKAcres

As hard as it is sweetie, you deserve the chance of something healthier . . .

What helped me was to remember. . .

If I wanted something different, I had to be willing to do something different ~

I wanted respect, dignity, love, honor, truth, safety and serenity - before I could give that to anyone else or receive that - I had to give it to myself. I deserved and so did my partner.

Once I clearly stepped away from the relationship - I grieved the loss and became ready for what was ahead of me - It wasn't easy - but it was worth it - I was worth it and You are worth it too.

pink hugs!

dandylion

cam76, can I remind you that 3mo. is a very short time. You can't expect it to be completely gone overnight (or 3 mo.). You are going through the grieving process--which, as you can see, is exquisitely painful at times. It is o.k. to cry--go ahead and cry a lot--it lets the pain escape from your body. It is o.k. to dream about him--the dreams will cease.

The pain that you are experiencing right n ow is the beginning of the healing process--if you don't fight it too hard.

The worst thing is driving by his apartment, etc......This is analogous to the alcoholic taking the first drink while trying to get sober---it takes you all the way back to "square one", again. You can stop doing it---you are not helpless over this--it is a CHOICE. Tell yourself every day that you will "choose not to reach out for him for this one day" (the one day at a time philosophy).

I felt this way about a guy once--for more than 6mo. after a bad break-up. Now, I look back--and for the life of me, I can't remember what I thought was so great about him!!!!

This is all part of the healing process.

sincerely, dandylion

cam76

Thank you guys so much. I do try to take each day at a time but sometimes the urge to speak to him or check up on him is overwhelming. I guess it's natural after sharing a life with him that I just want to chat with him, or get one of his big hugs.
He did call me today, I screamed at him to just stop drinking as it has devastated me. I haven't said that to him in the 3 months. I cried, he apologised i.e. same old story!
Hard to imagine a future without him, his family, our mutual friends etc but I have to keep trying. Thank you all again, this forum is a fantastic support xx