My storie in short.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 112
My storie in short.
I met him in 2003 he was not using anything was not an addict yet though he was (I know realize) a binge drinker. We fell pregnant in 2005 got married in 2006. After my son was born he started a new job I looked after baby. A manager of his introduced him to cocaine, he got hooked I only found out in 2007 when he lost his job. then shortly after he started using Crystal Meth and when his mom passed away in July 2007 he went into rehab. I thought it was great and life would return to normal, he almost killed me during his heavy using years I got a protection order against him. But after Rehab I welcomed him home with open arms etc. Everything was fine for a couple of months and then the drinking after work started again, and then he was hooked on Crystal meth again. He stole my wedding set and I reported it to the police, he spent a weekend in jail and decided to clean himself up all was well untill December 2011. I fell pregnant in July 2011 with our beautiful daughter and he had testicular torsion and lost his testicle in December and apparently it was to much to cope with and he started using again. I finaly had enough and kicked him out of the house in January of this year, he lived with friends and ended up on the street. I helped him find a job and then I made the mistake of taking him back. He started using again on the 19 of March, thats just over 2 weeks ago. One would think that by now I would be used to all of this but I am not. I feel so confused, depressed and stressed. We went for marital councilling but what good does it do if he is still using? I don't trust him any more, I dont want to spent time with him anymore, I feel ashamed of him. When people come to the door I wish I could take him and shove him in a closet, Im sad to say this but he looks disgusting!! I don't know what I want anymore do I want to stay or do I want to leave. I can't understand it I had a hard life growing up and what do I go and do I married a low life drug addict and messed up my life and the lives of my children. I feel like I am living, yes living on a roalercoaster cause my life is so unpredictable. I het a knot in my tummy when I approach my front door in the evenings cause I am not sure who's on the other side. I like a child, I cry about my marriage and envy others because they have good, non addicted hard working husbands and I am stuck with a drugg addict thats a humiliation to our family. I don't go to friends or family because I am sick of having to explain my situation over and over and being told how to live my life like Im their child. Our family does not understand addiction, they just want a divorce cause that will cure his drugging and I will be put out of mysery, or so they say. A win - win for all involved, and then I get blamed for not telling anyone about what goes on our lives. I hate living like this and realize that soon the time will come for me to decide, where to from here. Some days are better than others, I have made a resolve to not engage in conflict with him but then he literally follows me around in order to finish his 'conversation' with me. I just feel like hitting him over the head with something just to get him to stop talking. Other days he is so quiet, spends time with the kids and is the man I married the man I fell in love with. How does one cope with the constant unpredicatableness of loving an addict? I am reading as much as I can and thank goodnes our councilor deals with addiction too. Hopefully she can help us and we can each help ourselves to make a sucess of this marriage.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
I'm so sorry you're dealing with all of the things that result from loving an addict. I'm so glad to hear that YOU are in counseling. You can't control whether or not it helps him but it can help you.
Living in a relationship with an active addict is very hard. I remember those feelings of shame and embarrassment with my XAH. Those feelings continued long after we were divorced because I didn't do what I needed to do for me to handle them.
We're very big on self care here. I will gently suggest that you do what you need to do to take care of you and those children first and foremost.
It took me a very long time to realize that I don't have problems......usually.....I just have solutions that I don't like.
Please don't spend your precious life waiting for him to get clean and sober. If love alone could cure addiction, there would be no addiction.
Take care of you.
gentle hugs
ke
Living in a relationship with an active addict is very hard. I remember those feelings of shame and embarrassment with my XAH. Those feelings continued long after we were divorced because I didn't do what I needed to do for me to handle them.
We're very big on self care here. I will gently suggest that you do what you need to do to take care of you and those children first and foremost.
It took me a very long time to realize that I don't have problems......usually.....I just have solutions that I don't like.
Please don't spend your precious life waiting for him to get clean and sober. If love alone could cure addiction, there would be no addiction.
Take care of you.
gentle hugs
ke
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Dallas TX
Posts: 2,282
I'm so sorry for what you are going through,Angelscry.
But as hard as the situation is----you came to the right
place.There people of SR have a great deal of wisdom in
the field of addiction,and are willing to share.
I don't think there is anything you are going through that
they have not already been through.
I hope you will find their wise and gentle counsel as
invaluable as I have.
But as hard as the situation is----you came to the right
place.There people of SR have a great deal of wisdom in
the field of addiction,and are willing to share.
I don't think there is anything you are going through that
they have not already been through.
I hope you will find their wise and gentle counsel as
invaluable as I have.
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Please take care of you and your children. Meth addicts can be very dangerous. From what you wrote, he has already been violent. He is not predictable, you and your kids are living in a very dangerous situation.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 178
I am sorry that things are difficult.
I hope you can find some help with your counsellor or in Alanon.
Alanon gave me the strength and determination to leave.
Whatever you do do not leave your children alone with their dad.
I hope you can find some help with your counsellor or in Alanon.
Alanon gave me the strength and determination to leave.
Whatever you do do not leave your children alone with their dad.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 178
Have you ever been to an Alanon meeting?
Do you know if they are available in your area?
Alanon is about taking care of yourself. Healing yourself.
People there are mostly supportive. The belief is that only you can know what
is right for you.They will listen, let you figure out what's right for you. It takes time
but every meeting brought me a bit of peace.
Unlike Naranon (which is for family and friends of drug addicts) it's a program that
is for family and friends of alcoholics but many there will see drug use as a worsening
of the disease of alcoholism. Drugs are not mentioned a lot but many go to Alanon for
a drug problem in a loved one.
It's about helping you find serenity whether the alcoholic (addict) is still drinking (using)
or not.
The first location I attended didn't work that great for me but then I tried a meeting
that is in a women centre (they even have babysitting!) and it really works for me.
When I first went to Alanon I was terrified that my addicted then boyfriend was going to die. Between his health problems and his drug use he wasn't doing so good. I was obsessed by trying to "help him". I researched treatment options on the internet. I even called treatment centres though he was not prepared to go at all. He would say he was but really anyone else could have seen he was not prepared to go.
When people asked me how I was doing I would tell them about the boyfriend. It's like my life had come to a full stop. It couldn't move forward until he stopped and I could not do anything about anything else until he did. But he didn't and with Alanon I learned to take care of myself and my daughter and for us that meant leaving. We have been away from him for 9 months and life has been much better for my daughter and I. And no he is not dead. I suspect he might even have met someone else. A few months ago that would have been devastating but now I am ok with it.
Because you mention that he almost killed you I will mention this Alanon message from
"How Alanon works for families and friends of alcoholics"
"A special word to Anyone confronted with violence.
Al-Anon's gentle process unfolds gradually, over time. But those of us facing violent, potentially life-threatening situations may have to make immediate choices to ensure safety for ourselves and our children. This may mean arranging for a safe house with a neighbor or friend, calling for police protection, or leaving money and an extra set of car keys where they can be collected at any time in case of emergency.
It is not necessary to decide how to resolve the situation once and for all--only how to get out of harm's way until the process of awareness, acceptance, and action can free us to make choices for ourselves that we can live with."
I recommend getting a copy of this book if you do attend Alanon. And reading it too.
And here is from the suggested Al-anon closing "whatever your problems there are those of among us who have had them, too"
You are not alone.
Do you know if they are available in your area?
Alanon is about taking care of yourself. Healing yourself.
People there are mostly supportive. The belief is that only you can know what
is right for you.They will listen, let you figure out what's right for you. It takes time
but every meeting brought me a bit of peace.
Unlike Naranon (which is for family and friends of drug addicts) it's a program that
is for family and friends of alcoholics but many there will see drug use as a worsening
of the disease of alcoholism. Drugs are not mentioned a lot but many go to Alanon for
a drug problem in a loved one.
It's about helping you find serenity whether the alcoholic (addict) is still drinking (using)
or not.
The first location I attended didn't work that great for me but then I tried a meeting
that is in a women centre (they even have babysitting!) and it really works for me.
When I first went to Alanon I was terrified that my addicted then boyfriend was going to die. Between his health problems and his drug use he wasn't doing so good. I was obsessed by trying to "help him". I researched treatment options on the internet. I even called treatment centres though he was not prepared to go at all. He would say he was but really anyone else could have seen he was not prepared to go.
When people asked me how I was doing I would tell them about the boyfriend. It's like my life had come to a full stop. It couldn't move forward until he stopped and I could not do anything about anything else until he did. But he didn't and with Alanon I learned to take care of myself and my daughter and for us that meant leaving. We have been away from him for 9 months and life has been much better for my daughter and I. And no he is not dead. I suspect he might even have met someone else. A few months ago that would have been devastating but now I am ok with it.
Because you mention that he almost killed you I will mention this Alanon message from
"How Alanon works for families and friends of alcoholics"
"A special word to Anyone confronted with violence.
Al-Anon's gentle process unfolds gradually, over time. But those of us facing violent, potentially life-threatening situations may have to make immediate choices to ensure safety for ourselves and our children. This may mean arranging for a safe house with a neighbor or friend, calling for police protection, or leaving money and an extra set of car keys where they can be collected at any time in case of emergency.
It is not necessary to decide how to resolve the situation once and for all--only how to get out of harm's way until the process of awareness, acceptance, and action can free us to make choices for ourselves that we can live with."
I recommend getting a copy of this book if you do attend Alanon. And reading it too.
And here is from the suggested Al-anon closing "whatever your problems there are those of among us who have had them, too"
You are not alone.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 178
In Alanon I have learned that Alcoholism is a family disease and that I was affected
by this disease growing up which led me to chose the partner I chose for myself.Even when he was not using (which was most of our relationship) he was not really emotionally available. Alanon gives me tools to understand myself and gives me tools to change.
Don't be surprised that people who haven't been in your situation don't understand.
They just don't. A few weeks ago someone told me that my ex failed to stop using when I was with him because I didn't give him the right ultimatum. I know that's not true.
How old is your baby girl Angelscry?
by this disease growing up which led me to chose the partner I chose for myself.Even when he was not using (which was most of our relationship) he was not really emotionally available. Alanon gives me tools to understand myself and gives me tools to change.
Don't be surprised that people who haven't been in your situation don't understand.
They just don't. A few weeks ago someone told me that my ex failed to stop using when I was with him because I didn't give him the right ultimatum. I know that's not true.
How old is your baby girl Angelscry?
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Minneapolis
Posts: 924
Greetings Angelscry,
So glad that you have found your way here!
One of the symptoms of addiction is that a person starts to lose all of their connections to anyone who was in their circle. Addiction totally thrives in secrecy and lies...it's the way it exists...it closes down and isolates...life gets smaller and smaller.
When we are attached to an addict a very similar thing happens. Our life gets smaller and smaller, and we start to shut out our loved ones, we start to tell lies...or omit truths. We start to have parts of our life become secret because of the shame we feel.
There is a saying in recovery that has been very important of my journey to finding happiness, freedom and joy...and that is "we are only as sick as our secrets".
When I was still with my ex (he used crack which is akin to meth in it's utter destructive force) I started to lose connection with my friends and family members...and even was losing contact with my fellows in recovery (I'm in AA)...that was one sign for me that it was so bad.
I found SR when I had lost so many of my confidants and support system. People on the outside started holding me accountable for my own happiness...re: "why don't you detach?"
I had become pretty isolated in my misery.
Many people here might seem a little harsh at times, but really they might just become your adopted strength. We might hold you accountable for starting your own recovery process of taking care of yourself, and your children...of reclaiming the one beautiful life that you have on earth...
Listen deeply. Know that you are not alone. Find a small part of peace in each day...and think and pray for your future...NOW!
Your future is spotless.
You are loved.
So glad that you have found your way here!
One of the symptoms of addiction is that a person starts to lose all of their connections to anyone who was in their circle. Addiction totally thrives in secrecy and lies...it's the way it exists...it closes down and isolates...life gets smaller and smaller.
When we are attached to an addict a very similar thing happens. Our life gets smaller and smaller, and we start to shut out our loved ones, we start to tell lies...or omit truths. We start to have parts of our life become secret because of the shame we feel.
There is a saying in recovery that has been very important of my journey to finding happiness, freedom and joy...and that is "we are only as sick as our secrets".
When I was still with my ex (he used crack which is akin to meth in it's utter destructive force) I started to lose connection with my friends and family members...and even was losing contact with my fellows in recovery (I'm in AA)...that was one sign for me that it was so bad.
I found SR when I had lost so many of my confidants and support system. People on the outside started holding me accountable for my own happiness...re: "why don't you detach?"
I had become pretty isolated in my misery.
Many people here might seem a little harsh at times, but really they might just become your adopted strength. We might hold you accountable for starting your own recovery process of taking care of yourself, and your children...of reclaiming the one beautiful life that you have on earth...
Listen deeply. Know that you are not alone. Find a small part of peace in each day...and think and pray for your future...NOW!
Your future is spotless.
You are loved.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 112
Dear All, thank you so much for your replies. I have read them, thought about them and read them again. It made me cry because it was so honest, because you didn't judge me and because now I dont feel so alone anymore. Thank you for the advice and I deeply appreciate it.
Last year I decided to focus more on my kids and to focus on work too, that helped allot and it was a great distraction. I have also got a protection order against my AH and its valid for 10 years and I make use of it. I know it sounds a bit weird but I want him to know that he will not get away with the wrong things that he does and that I have put my foot down. Someone mentioned to have a bag ready, thats a very good idea I'm going to do that. I tried AA meetings and I did not work for me but maybe I should try one in another location. Feb13 my baby is 12 months and 2 weeks old.
Once again thank you for your thoughtful and insightfull advise, it means so much to me.
Last year I decided to focus more on my kids and to focus on work too, that helped allot and it was a great distraction. I have also got a protection order against my AH and its valid for 10 years and I make use of it. I know it sounds a bit weird but I want him to know that he will not get away with the wrong things that he does and that I have put my foot down. Someone mentioned to have a bag ready, thats a very good idea I'm going to do that. I tried AA meetings and I did not work for me but maybe I should try one in another location. Feb13 my baby is 12 months and 2 weeks old.
Once again thank you for your thoughtful and insightfull advise, it means so much to me.
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