Why do I wish him die now
IsItAlright
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: rainbow
Posts: 157
Why do I wish him die now
I'm crying... Even with the presence of my mom...
Its his bday. I wish him die now... Where's my love?
I hate him now.
Just remember the face when he choked me and threw me into the wall.
I am sick today
Its his bday. I wish him die now... Where's my love?
I hate him now.
Just remember the face when he choked me and threw me into the wall.
I am sick today
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Is it hate or anger? I ask because it sounds like anger to me and anger is ok. Sometimes anger is what propels us into action to take better care of ourselves and move out of destructive situations. So feel the anger. Work through it. Just don't stay there too long.
gentle hugs
ke
gentle hugs
ke
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 951
I think you are having normal feelings about someone that hurt you terribly.
I will share something about the addict I dated (I still won't call him a BF or an Ex, he doesn't get that kind of recognition from me).
He came with me and my friends on a trip to the beach. We go regularly and stay at a friend's house. His behavior was horribly embarrassing and erratic from the moment we got in the car. He got angry at me for mentioning the he smoked about 2 packs of cigarettes in 4 hours. (i was concerned and he ha originally told me he didn't smoke at all). He screamed and called me names in the street. He didn't lay his hands on me, just called me names and made a scene on the street.
He later disappeared on the beach at night and can remember thinking that I didn't care if he drowned. This is particularly profound because one of my brother's died in the water when I was young. I could not muster any feelings for him at all. Didn't want him to die. Just didn't care. Incredibly cold and to this day I still feel the same.
He never laid a hand on me, just called me names and created chaos in a place where we normally have great fun. I didn't understand it was drug related at the time, though I should have known. Part of my anger was just about the embarrassment I felt for bringing him around my wonderful friends. Nothing even approaching what was done to you. I think my feelings or lack of feelings are valid.
Don't let your anger consume you, but know that you have a right to feel it.
Hugs and Prayers,
Hanna
I will share something about the addict I dated (I still won't call him a BF or an Ex, he doesn't get that kind of recognition from me).
He came with me and my friends on a trip to the beach. We go regularly and stay at a friend's house. His behavior was horribly embarrassing and erratic from the moment we got in the car. He got angry at me for mentioning the he smoked about 2 packs of cigarettes in 4 hours. (i was concerned and he ha originally told me he didn't smoke at all). He screamed and called me names in the street. He didn't lay his hands on me, just called me names and made a scene on the street.
He later disappeared on the beach at night and can remember thinking that I didn't care if he drowned. This is particularly profound because one of my brother's died in the water when I was young. I could not muster any feelings for him at all. Didn't want him to die. Just didn't care. Incredibly cold and to this day I still feel the same.
He never laid a hand on me, just called me names and created chaos in a place where we normally have great fun. I didn't understand it was drug related at the time, though I should have known. Part of my anger was just about the embarrassment I felt for bringing him around my wonderful friends. Nothing even approaching what was done to you. I think my feelings or lack of feelings are valid.
Don't let your anger consume you, but know that you have a right to feel it.
Hugs and Prayers,
Hanna
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
Originally Posted by Wing 
I'm crying... Even with the presence of my mom...
Its his bday. I wish him die now... Where's my love?
I hate him now.
Just remember the face when he choked me and threw me into the wall.
I am sick today
Its his bday. I wish him die now... Where's my love?
I hate him now.
Just remember the face when he choked me and threw me into the wall.
I am sick today
When someone we care about betrays us or hurts us, we alternate between hurt and anger. Try not to let the anger eat you up. Because if you let it, it will...and that will makes things worse for you. You don't need to feel any worse than you do right now.
So, take it easy. Be kind to yourself. Do a lot of self care. And sit with those feelings as best you can.
ZoSo
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
When I am feeling that intense anger, I have found it helpful to identify all the feelings underneath the anger. Hurt, betrayed,, devalued, shame, sad, mad, scared, disrespected, etc. I feel them and then ask God to take them from me. It is amazing how wonderful I feel after.
I am sorry you are in such pain. There is nothing easy when it comes to loving about an addict.
I am sorry you are in such pain. There is nothing easy when it comes to loving about an addict.
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
((wing))
like the others have shared - I too believe healing is a process with lots of different emotions ~ please allow yourself to work thru all the different feelings
and most of all allow yourself to be healed and to have a new and healthy life
you deserve it
pink hugs
like the others have shared - I too believe healing is a process with lots of different emotions ~ please allow yourself to work thru all the different feelings
and most of all allow yourself to be healed and to have a new and healthy life
you deserve it
pink hugs
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Pennsylvania
Posts: 505
I agree with what everyone else has said, Wing....I don't think you hate him, I think you're angry at what he did and how he treated you, and that is a completely understandable reaction. I've experienced the same thing the last couple of weeks....I feel like I hate C and I want him to suffer as much as I have. And it kind of startles me, because I think, well maybe I never loved him if I feel this way. But I know that's not true. Because the feelings of pain and heartache and sadness FAR outweigh any negative feelings I have towards him....and if I didn't love him, I wouldn't have those feelings of pain and betrayal, because I wouldn't care. I'd just be able to brush it off and move on with my life. You're doing really well, Wing - you're dealing with it and working through it in a perfectly normal fashion.
IsItAlright
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: rainbow
Posts: 157
Thx all for support.
I guess that u are right, I'm going through a lot of emotions...it's morning here, I woke up with weird dreams again. I left a house party by telling my fren that I could get my mind off him. There was a beautiful antique elevator but I thought that I'd like to go down by stairs as the antique building was beautiful and it was just 7 floors. But then, I found out there's not stairs... I walked around but there were only really fast moving escalators everywhere, straight and spiral. People seem ok to step into it easily but its too fast for me that I was very scared. I could not find the way out even tho I saw the light from the exit on the ground floor. Later, I found 3 elevators in a row. But a naughty kid followed me and punched my tummy. He was with a woman with a distorted scary face. The kid didnt stop punching me. I was too angry and it overcame my fear that I kicked that kid and I woke up.
I read that the escalators in dream means the layers on emotion and subconscious levels in the brain... Perhaps I'm searching and filing the emotions in healing process.
I guess that u are right, I'm going through a lot of emotions...it's morning here, I woke up with weird dreams again. I left a house party by telling my fren that I could get my mind off him. There was a beautiful antique elevator but I thought that I'd like to go down by stairs as the antique building was beautiful and it was just 7 floors. But then, I found out there's not stairs... I walked around but there were only really fast moving escalators everywhere, straight and spiral. People seem ok to step into it easily but its too fast for me that I was very scared. I could not find the way out even tho I saw the light from the exit on the ground floor. Later, I found 3 elevators in a row. But a naughty kid followed me and punched my tummy. He was with a woman with a distorted scary face. The kid didnt stop punching me. I was too angry and it overcame my fear that I kicked that kid and I woke up.
I read that the escalators in dream means the layers on emotion and subconscious levels in the brain... Perhaps I'm searching and filing the emotions in healing process.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Baltimore, MD
Posts: 348
Wing,
As you know I have been going through the sane as you and in the same timing/fashion. I too wished horrible things upon my xafiance but that's just because they have hurt us so deeply to the core that we want them to experience the pain we have, this us all due to hurt and anger. And someone mentioned the opposite of love is indifference; that is such a profound statement. You will know you're over him when you wish him well, you wish him recovery, and you are indifferent to whoever he winds up dating. I'm working through these steps too and taking it day by day.
In terms of your dream (and I'm no soothsayer) I think the part is telling where you could see the light on the ground floor although you couldn't find your way out. I interpret this as your seeing "a light at the end of the tunnel" and although you can't get to it right now you DO see it, and you are working your way towards it, and you WILL arrive at that light eventually. The building had 7 floors. 7 is a Godly number. It's full of promise and hope and peace and rest. Remember, 7 days in a week, and God rested on the 7th day and the Bible says to forgive your enemy 7x77 times. The fast moving escalators is symbolic to the chaos you're in, your mind is twisting and turning and you can't keep up with all you've been dealt. The number of elevators you dreamt are also symbolic. Three is the number of the Trinity. Those "3" elevators were there the entire time although you couldn't see them and it took awhile to find...nonetheless, they were there for you.
I think the bratty kid is your immature bf taunting you subconsciously and you eventually fought back.
Wing, you ARE going to overcome this. You're on the right track and your dream was very positive, not negative. You're on your way to freedom and the light at the end of this long and dark tunnel.
Jodie
xx
As you know I have been going through the sane as you and in the same timing/fashion. I too wished horrible things upon my xafiance but that's just because they have hurt us so deeply to the core that we want them to experience the pain we have, this us all due to hurt and anger. And someone mentioned the opposite of love is indifference; that is such a profound statement. You will know you're over him when you wish him well, you wish him recovery, and you are indifferent to whoever he winds up dating. I'm working through these steps too and taking it day by day.
In terms of your dream (and I'm no soothsayer) I think the part is telling where you could see the light on the ground floor although you couldn't find your way out. I interpret this as your seeing "a light at the end of the tunnel" and although you can't get to it right now you DO see it, and you are working your way towards it, and you WILL arrive at that light eventually. The building had 7 floors. 7 is a Godly number. It's full of promise and hope and peace and rest. Remember, 7 days in a week, and God rested on the 7th day and the Bible says to forgive your enemy 7x77 times. The fast moving escalators is symbolic to the chaos you're in, your mind is twisting and turning and you can't keep up with all you've been dealt. The number of elevators you dreamt are also symbolic. Three is the number of the Trinity. Those "3" elevators were there the entire time although you couldn't see them and it took awhile to find...nonetheless, they were there for you.
I think the bratty kid is your immature bf taunting you subconsciously and you eventually fought back.
Wing, you ARE going to overcome this. You're on the right track and your dream was very positive, not negative. You're on your way to freedom and the light at the end of this long and dark tunnel.
Jodie
xx
IsItAlright
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: rainbow
Posts: 157
Omg thx Jodie! Your interpretation is amazing... I just woke up from the dreams again... So tired... I'm dreaming of him everynight...
I keep reading. I don't hate him. Deep inside me, I still believe that he's not a bad person. He is just taken by the drug... U were right. Perhaps the kid in my dream just a symbol of him. weeks ago showed me a pic of him when he was a kid. Looked so cute and innocent but naughty... And his mom had alcoholic prob since he was kid and shared weed with him when he's 11. So, maybe that's the woman with distorted face.
Your interpretation gave me hope with the signs of the message from god
Thx Jodie.
I keep reading. I don't hate him. Deep inside me, I still believe that he's not a bad person. He is just taken by the drug... U were right. Perhaps the kid in my dream just a symbol of him. weeks ago showed me a pic of him when he was a kid. Looked so cute and innocent but naughty... And his mom had alcoholic prob since he was kid and shared weed with him when he's 11. So, maybe that's the woman with distorted face.
Your interpretation gave me hope with the signs of the message from god
Thx Jodie.
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