To those who left their husband!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Massachusetts (south shore)
Posts: 125
To those who left their husband!
I think I have felt every emotion there is with the decision to leave my husband, but feeling courageous is my biggest emotion, and that's a good thing. However, if you have left your husband...do you ever wonder at times whether or not just maybe this is "as good as it gets for you"...what if the grass is not greener on the other side? The thing is...I can not deny that my AH is a good guy...he is just a good guy with a great problem...it's just a fearful reminder that not all guys are perfect, and just maybe if it's not addiction, then it might just be something else I would have to endure. I know I deserve better in this lifetime, but just a little fearful to give it all up, even though I know in my heart and head that it is the right thing to do.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
I can't tell your future....but I can share my past.
I divorced my XAH. It was an extremely painful experience. I thought I would never marry again. I was damaged. I was exhausted after trying to make a marriage work for five years with a partner who was addicted and uncooperative. I was "used" and had a child....who would want me? I was 24 years old. I was prepared to be alone. Anything, including being alone, would be better than the marriage I was in.
I met a man (via referral because I'd only date if someone was referred......I figured my "picker" was broken). He was educated and smart. He was handsome. He had a great job and owned a beautiful house. And, most importantly, he wanted children. I thought he was too good to be true. We had one blind date.....and then I moved 3000 miles away to be closer to my family.
The story is long and romantic....but I eventually moved back and married that guy. He's stable, loving, strong, sincere, faithful, kind, humble, honest, very masculine, and I've had the privilege of being his wife for 28 years (he is also my business partner). It's not that we haven't had rocky periods in those 28 years but we've always worked together to get through those rough patches. He's not a perfect man but he's perfect for me.
I remember how sad, lonely, and used up I felt when I divorced my XAH. Even though it may feel terrible at this point, you have life and love ahead of you. I took time to heal before I was healthy enough to commit to another relationship. I prayed for a man who was the opposite of everything my XAH was and he found me. In time, I hope this happens for you too.
Is the grass greener on the other side of the fence? For me....yes.....it is.....and it can be for you too.
gentle hugs
ke
I divorced my XAH. It was an extremely painful experience. I thought I would never marry again. I was damaged. I was exhausted after trying to make a marriage work for five years with a partner who was addicted and uncooperative. I was "used" and had a child....who would want me? I was 24 years old. I was prepared to be alone. Anything, including being alone, would be better than the marriage I was in.
I met a man (via referral because I'd only date if someone was referred......I figured my "picker" was broken). He was educated and smart. He was handsome. He had a great job and owned a beautiful house. And, most importantly, he wanted children. I thought he was too good to be true. We had one blind date.....and then I moved 3000 miles away to be closer to my family.
The story is long and romantic....but I eventually moved back and married that guy. He's stable, loving, strong, sincere, faithful, kind, humble, honest, very masculine, and I've had the privilege of being his wife for 28 years (he is also my business partner). It's not that we haven't had rocky periods in those 28 years but we've always worked together to get through those rough patches. He's not a perfect man but he's perfect for me.
I remember how sad, lonely, and used up I felt when I divorced my XAH. Even though it may feel terrible at this point, you have life and love ahead of you. I took time to heal before I was healthy enough to commit to another relationship. I prayed for a man who was the opposite of everything my XAH was and he found me. In time, I hope this happens for you too.
Is the grass greener on the other side of the fence? For me....yes.....it is.....and it can be for you too.
gentle hugs
ke
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
To use descriptive words by an addiction counselor--author David Schoen--addiction is the most powerful, "controlling," "possessing," "dictating," and "determining" agenda in the psyche of the addict and in the addict's life. It takes complete and total control of the individual psychologically, takes control of all thoughts, emotions, motivations, perceptions, and decisions. It creates an entirely new psychic system which paralyzes the old one, removing the normal ability of willpower, choice, and actions based on good intentions. And when this takeover of the ego happens, the addiction will be more important to the addict than marriage, family, career or health....more important to most addicts than life.
It is not a bad habit. It is not a personality flaw. It is not poor relationship skills, or immaturity, or stubbornness. And even though it creates narcissistic behavior and thinking in the addict, it is not narcissism. While all those things interfere with relationship-building, they do not invade a normal functioning ego and replace it with an entirely new and life-destroying one.
Addiction destroys the individual. Who he was before the addiction is replaced by a person who cares nothing for others nor for himself. And the terribly sad fact is that the addict thinks he has it all under control. He thinks everyone and everything else is the problem. He is being eaten up by this invader of his mind and body, yet he thinks he's fine. He just drinks a little too much now and then. Or he used more dope than he should have but he'll be more careful about that next time. He does not see what is happening. And when he finally does see, when he realizes the hopelessness of his situation, for some it is too late. For others--and I guess no one knows which ones it will be--they claw their way into recovery. Many people agree with Dr. Carl Jung, the famous psychiatrist who believed only a spiritual transformation--ego-collapse at depth --could save an addict from the asylum or death. But for that to happen, the addict will hit a devastating bottom.
Dr. Jung believed that help will not come from the ego, for the ego is paralyzed. It will come from a desperate admission of powerlessness, a spiritual awakening, from fellowship, and from an ongoing relationship with a Higher Power.
I do not understand addiction. I do not understand it at all. I can't speak to anything about it in any way based on personal experience. I can only refer to others who have experience. And my reading of the history of addiction recovery is that before Dr. Jung and Bill W. and Dr. Bob and the Oxford Group all intersected in the 1930's, every alcoholic was considered a hopeless case and would eventually deteriorate, go insane or die from the disease. And while there is much debate today about various methods of recovery, the unalterable fact is that before that cosmic intersection in the 1930's, every alcoholic was lost.
I share all this not to divert from your deep concern, horriblethisis, but to maybe help you see the difference between men who are flawed and men who are possessed.
A man who is flawed can change. He can listen. He can try a new approach. He can go into marriage counseling and grow.
An addict can do none of those. Only in recovery, a true, daily, vigilant recovery, are the freedoms of a normal man available to him.
So in my opinion, no, there is no reason to stay with an active alcoholic out of fear that you are expecting too much of relationship or of life. If you stay, you will need to accept that nothing will get better, there will be no better understanding or deepening of sympathy between husband and wife. His addiction will make sure of that. If you stay, you will have to accept it. Many women have, and some of them stayed to the very end, by the death bed. It is always a path which is your right to choose, and no one can know what you should do. That is between you and God.
But it's important you do know how things will be, should he never get clean and sober.
It is not a bad habit. It is not a personality flaw. It is not poor relationship skills, or immaturity, or stubbornness. And even though it creates narcissistic behavior and thinking in the addict, it is not narcissism. While all those things interfere with relationship-building, they do not invade a normal functioning ego and replace it with an entirely new and life-destroying one.
Addiction destroys the individual. Who he was before the addiction is replaced by a person who cares nothing for others nor for himself. And the terribly sad fact is that the addict thinks he has it all under control. He thinks everyone and everything else is the problem. He is being eaten up by this invader of his mind and body, yet he thinks he's fine. He just drinks a little too much now and then. Or he used more dope than he should have but he'll be more careful about that next time. He does not see what is happening. And when he finally does see, when he realizes the hopelessness of his situation, for some it is too late. For others--and I guess no one knows which ones it will be--they claw their way into recovery. Many people agree with Dr. Carl Jung, the famous psychiatrist who believed only a spiritual transformation--ego-collapse at depth --could save an addict from the asylum or death. But for that to happen, the addict will hit a devastating bottom.
Dr. Jung believed that help will not come from the ego, for the ego is paralyzed. It will come from a desperate admission of powerlessness, a spiritual awakening, from fellowship, and from an ongoing relationship with a Higher Power.
I do not understand addiction. I do not understand it at all. I can't speak to anything about it in any way based on personal experience. I can only refer to others who have experience. And my reading of the history of addiction recovery is that before Dr. Jung and Bill W. and Dr. Bob and the Oxford Group all intersected in the 1930's, every alcoholic was considered a hopeless case and would eventually deteriorate, go insane or die from the disease. And while there is much debate today about various methods of recovery, the unalterable fact is that before that cosmic intersection in the 1930's, every alcoholic was lost.
I share all this not to divert from your deep concern, horriblethisis, but to maybe help you see the difference between men who are flawed and men who are possessed.
A man who is flawed can change. He can listen. He can try a new approach. He can go into marriage counseling and grow.
An addict can do none of those. Only in recovery, a true, daily, vigilant recovery, are the freedoms of a normal man available to him.
So in my opinion, no, there is no reason to stay with an active alcoholic out of fear that you are expecting too much of relationship or of life. If you stay, you will need to accept that nothing will get better, there will be no better understanding or deepening of sympathy between husband and wife. His addiction will make sure of that. If you stay, you will have to accept it. Many women have, and some of them stayed to the very end, by the death bed. It is always a path which is your right to choose, and no one can know what you should do. That is between you and God.
But it's important you do know how things will be, should he never get clean and sober.
IsItAlright
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: rainbow
Posts: 157
Englishgarden,
Your post made my day. It's my bad day staying in bed being sad about what had happened. Then, u reminded me that if I stayed, I have to accept that nth would change. It's very true. The chao just kept happenening again and again with the same conflict... He never changed and never learnt from past... All the broken promises... I was sooo upset about it.
Your post made my day. It's my bad day staying in bed being sad about what had happened. Then, u reminded me that if I stayed, I have to accept that nth would change. It's very true. The chao just kept happenening again and again with the same conflict... He never changed and never learnt from past... All the broken promises... I was sooo upset about it.
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
I have not left my husband but from all that I have read here, including the F&F of Alcoholic, not one poster has regretting leaving their addicted spouse. In fact, they all seem to be amazingly relieved to be free of any addiction and found the peace and joy in their new lives that has been missing for so long.
It seems their only and biggest regret was that they had not left sooner. I don't know what the future holds for me but I have really been inspired and found strength in these posts.
Also, the ones who have stayed seem to have a common theme....fear and anxiety of a relapse. Sadly, more often then not, those fears become a reality.
It seems their only and biggest regret was that they had not left sooner. I don't know what the future holds for me but I have really been inspired and found strength in these posts.
Also, the ones who have stayed seem to have a common theme....fear and anxiety of a relapse. Sadly, more often then not, those fears become a reality.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: PM me....
Posts: 468
Wow English Garden....you are rockin the house right now.
Thank you so much....needed to hear this right now.
Horriblethisis.....I know how confusing and painful this is.
A dear friend told me:
This life is not a dress rehearsal....it's all we've got.
If it's great....then it's because you made it great.
If it's painful and tragic and twisted....it's because you allowed it.
Thank you so much....needed to hear this right now.
Horriblethisis.....I know how confusing and painful this is.
A dear friend told me:
This life is not a dress rehearsal....it's all we've got.
If it's great....then it's because you made it great.
If it's painful and tragic and twisted....it's because you allowed it.
Restoring myself to sanity
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Georgia
Posts: 1,018
I divorced my Ex 4 months ago.. I do not regret my decison at all, in fact every day I ask myself what took me so long.. The process was painful and I'm still healing but I'm so much happier now..
I think I stayed in my marriage way past its experation date out of fear.. Fear of not being able to make it financially. ( I'm doing fine so far), fear of being lonely ( I have filled my life with so many positve things that I hardly have time for myself) fear that I will never find love again.. ( i'm learning to love myself for the first time in my life).. Fear held me back for so long and kept me in a place that placed limits on my life..
I won't lie, someday's I still struggle.. I still deal with the pain of a loss, the failure of yet another marriage and I struggle to forgive both myself and my ex but I'm working on it one day at a time.. I would rather be in the place I'm at right now though which is working through the hard stuff then where I was 6 months ago..loathing the addict I lived with with every ounce of being in my body, resenting him for the choices he was making that was affecting our marriage, trying to decipher through all of the lies and waiting for the shoe to drop from the other foot as it inevitably does when one lives with an addict..
Nope, I don't regret my decision at all.. going through the process is the hardest part.. but the grass is very green on this side of my fence
I think I stayed in my marriage way past its experation date out of fear.. Fear of not being able to make it financially. ( I'm doing fine so far), fear of being lonely ( I have filled my life with so many positve things that I hardly have time for myself) fear that I will never find love again.. ( i'm learning to love myself for the first time in my life).. Fear held me back for so long and kept me in a place that placed limits on my life..
I won't lie, someday's I still struggle.. I still deal with the pain of a loss, the failure of yet another marriage and I struggle to forgive both myself and my ex but I'm working on it one day at a time.. I would rather be in the place I'm at right now though which is working through the hard stuff then where I was 6 months ago..loathing the addict I lived with with every ounce of being in my body, resenting him for the choices he was making that was affecting our marriage, trying to decipher through all of the lies and waiting for the shoe to drop from the other foot as it inevitably does when one lives with an addict..
Nope, I don't regret my decision at all.. going through the process is the hardest part.. but the grass is very green on this side of my fence
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Pennsylvania
Posts: 505
Originally Posted by jerect 
I divorced my Ex 4 months ago.. I do not regret my decison at all, in fact every day I ask myself what took me so long.. The process was painful and I'm still healing but I'm so much happier now..
I think I stayed in my marriage way past its experation date out of fear.. Fear of not being able to make it financially. ( I'm doing fine so far), fear of being lonely ( I have filled my life with so many positve things that I hardly have time for myself) fear that I will never find love again.. ( i'm learning to love myself for the first time in my life).. Fear held me back for so long and kept me in a place that placed limits on my life..
I won't lie, someday's I still struggle.. I still deal with the pain of a loss, the failure of yet another marriage and I struggle to forgive both myself and my ex but I'm working on it one day at a time.. I would rather be in the place I'm at right now though which is working through the hard stuff then where I was 6 months ago..loathing the addict I lived with with every ounce of being in my body, resenting him for the choices he was making that was affecting our marriage, trying to decipher through all of the lies and waiting for the shoe to drop from the other foot as it inevitably does when one lives with an addict..
Nope, I don't regret my decision at all.. going through the process is the hardest part.. but the grass is very green on this side of my fence
I think I stayed in my marriage way past its experation date out of fear.. Fear of not being able to make it financially. ( I'm doing fine so far), fear of being lonely ( I have filled my life with so many positve things that I hardly have time for myself) fear that I will never find love again.. ( i'm learning to love myself for the first time in my life).. Fear held me back for so long and kept me in a place that placed limits on my life..
I won't lie, someday's I still struggle.. I still deal with the pain of a loss, the failure of yet another marriage and I struggle to forgive both myself and my ex but I'm working on it one day at a time.. I would rather be in the place I'm at right now though which is working through the hard stuff then where I was 6 months ago..loathing the addict I lived with with every ounce of being in my body, resenting him for the choices he was making that was affecting our marriage, trying to decipher through all of the lies and waiting for the shoe to drop from the other foot as it inevitably does when one lives with an addict..
Nope, I don't regret my decision at all.. going through the process is the hardest part.. but the grass is very green on this side of my fence
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 178
I wasn't married but I left my ex 9 months ago. I really should have left much sooner.
He relapsed over 2 years ago. He had been clean for years before (we were together
for 10 years), I just kept thinking he would quit. I just couldn't imagine him staying on
drugs.
He is supposed to be clean now. for over 2 months. I don't really know if he is or not
but I can't imagine living with him ever again either way.
We have a 3 year old daughter. I'll probably have to get a job soon but right now
I am at home with her. We do a lot of activities together. I can't even imagine being in
a relationship again. I am ok with being a single mom. I am happy to live alone with
my little girl. I have a lot of work to do on myself anyhow. I attend Alanon meetings 2
to 3 times a week. I also try to read some of their literature and work on my 4th step.
He relapsed over 2 years ago. He had been clean for years before (we were together
for 10 years), I just kept thinking he would quit. I just couldn't imagine him staying on
drugs.
He is supposed to be clean now. for over 2 months. I don't really know if he is or not
but I can't imagine living with him ever again either way.
We have a 3 year old daughter. I'll probably have to get a job soon but right now
I am at home with her. We do a lot of activities together. I can't even imagine being in
a relationship again. I am ok with being a single mom. I am happy to live alone with
my little girl. I have a lot of work to do on myself anyhow. I attend Alanon meetings 2
to 3 times a week. I also try to read some of their literature and work on my 4th step.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
I can tell you that when it came time to leave my EXAH, the fear of continuing to live that way outweighed the fear of living on my own in the future.
I had to walk through the fear to get past it. Courage is not absence of fear...it is facing the fear. You are indeed courageous, my dear!
It was one of the best decisions I made in my lfe in regard to my own recovery. Today I have sanity and serenity.
Sending you hugs of support from stormy Kansas!
I had to walk through the fear to get past it. Courage is not absence of fear...it is facing the fear. You are indeed courageous, my dear!
It was one of the best decisions I made in my lfe in regard to my own recovery. Today I have sanity and serenity.
Sending you hugs of support from stormy Kansas!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Massachusetts (south shore)
Posts: 125
I still love my husband...that is my problem...But I have forgiven him once, then twice...and this is the third time...and he is asking for forgiveness again, saying he would never give up on me if "I have a problem"...he makes me feel so bad. I know I have to do this...it's just SO hard...and he just doesn't understand how I can just "leave him" after so many years together
Restoring myself to sanity
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Georgia
Posts: 1,018
Originally Posted by horriblethisis
I still love my husband...that is my problem...But I have forgiven him once, then twice...and this is the third time...and he is asking for forgiveness again, saying he would never give up on me if "I have a problem"...he makes me feel so bad. I know I have to do this...it's just SO hard...and he just doesn't understand how I can just "leave him" after so many years together
I won't lie, divorcing my addict was hard. Underneath all that ugly addiction was a nice person but I hadn't seen that person in a very long time.. I had to let him go out of love... Love for myself and love for him in hopes that by me no longer enabling any part of addiction maybe just maybe he would turn his life around.. From what I've heard he hasn't but that's not my problem anymore... There comes a time when we have to look out for ourselves and our best interests.. Divorcing my ex was the very best thing I could do, it was also the most painful thing I've ever done as well mostly because I was letting an old part of my life go, hopes and dreams and a future that wasn't meant to be...
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