DroPsoJuPiTeR

well i come to realize that it doesnt matter if my husband was in rehab or whether he was smoking crack or if he is here, he is still not here. I should be grateful he isnt dead. or in jail. or out smoking crack or drinking. I know where he is ....
Its at a meeting or a sponsor is coming to pick him up or at out patient rehab.... or working on a car or himself. all good great stuff.
I find myself resenting him.
I want to work on me , my head is in a big jumble and my thoughts are racing I want to read the codependency books i read about on here ... I want to have a relationship with God I want to read the books my neighbor gave me on positive thinking.... I want to walk and lose weight and go to the gym and juggle it alllllll......
Reality is that I come home from work and both of my daughters had homework..... which wasnt started.... they were all in their bedrooms either napping or watching tv, while husband was in out room waiting for me/ he wanted something , and then we would go buy sneakers for my daughter.... so he said.
so it was sex, then he went next door to his moms and ate something, then he came back here and watched tv....
while I brought the girls down to help do their homework while he sat and watched tv.....
I kinda asked for help . they are both struggling and it was like ok one math problem with one daughter and ask her to pause while the other reads me a page of her book....
So finally he takes responsibility and lets my little one read her book to him, while im helping the other with math when outside the horn beeps and its his sponsor. he HAS to GO.....
yeah cuz if he doesnt and he puts us before his sobriety, he will lose us. ....
as my daughter gets upset she didnt get to finish reading him the book , i feel for her but told her as soon as her sister was finished she could finish her book with me.....
ITs like I dont have the energy and I have resentment and no time for me.
But I have my kids. they are healthy, and alive.... I should be thankful for that.
And I have my husband around and clean and sober, even though he isnt fully able to commit to the parent duties.....
Im just missing my sanity.... thank God I have a sense of humor lol
Ok now that Im done $&(%$(*, I gotta go do dinner and buy the shoes for my daughter so thaanks for listening....
God give me strength
I just feel run down since hes been home, like he has that effect on me where I wanna lay around and be immobile i dont know if anyone else gets that way. while in rehab, I did lots and lots of stuff maybe because i HAD to I couldnt expect him to help he wasnt here..... and hes still not as I see it...

AnvilheadII

baby, a LOT has happened in a short period of time! and you've been the glue holding it all together. while it IS good that he has a sponsor and getting to meetings (that can be a VITAL part of recovery) it still means exactly what you shared.....I hear you and I totally get your frustration and your general TIREDNESS.

what I don't have is a solution that will fix it all RIGHT NOW. it's perfectly ok to have a chat with your husband and let him know CLEARLY that you too need some YOU time. you understand and will work with his meeting times etc, but you need a trade off. you need/want him to take up some slack somewhere else. that is perfectly reasonable and recovery IS about becoming responsible productive members of society.

BlueSkies1

Yeah, I see that step programs help him. I wish there was more emphasis on recognizing the needs of others, especially family that needs him now, not just later.
I hear your frustration. Taking care of everybody's needs while he is off at a meeting is difficult. I can understand completely feeling resentful.
Maybe if you compare it to getting a law degree, it will help in some way. Very very busy with little time leftover. I'm sure some alcoholics will say getting sober is as difficult for them. I'm not being sarcastic here!
Today you can be grateful that your husband and father of your kids has chosen sobriety again today.
It's not perfect...but it's progress, right?