My proposal to STBAXH re children

Old 04-08-2013, 02:19 PM
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My proposal to STBAXH re children

Hi all,
I'm coming here to pre-emptively seek strength for the reaction that my STBAXH will have when he receives my counter proposal in the divorce with regard to contact with the children.
It's your standard every other weekend/one-day per week, alternating holidays starting point - but with NO overnights. (no alcohol etc...) If he seeks substance abuse counseling/AA and shows he's attending and following the plan, the proposal will allow for overnights after 6 months. Primary residence would be with me and decision making would be shared but allocating me final say.

The plan is very prescribed, which is what I want. I'm willing to be flexible if things are going well ....but I want a structure to fall back on because he can be such a bully.

(My previous thread talked about his proposal - demand is more apt. It was ridiculous. And you all helped me so much.)

Before I give my attorney the ok to send it off to him, I need to mentally prepare for what will likely be a strong negative reaction. I know in my head this is the right proposal. But I'm overly anxious about his response and feeling like a big baby!

I'm hoping you all can bolster me.
Thanks and hugs
MamaKit
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Old 04-08-2013, 02:27 PM
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do you feel it is the "best" proposal given the circumstances that will protect your children while still allowing limited visits with their father? is it something YOU can live with?

then bravo, m'lady. he can huff and puff and try to blow your house down, but your's is built on a solid foundation now with sturdy boundaries (walls), so blow on thar matey, blow on.
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Old 04-08-2013, 02:31 PM
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Mamakit,

It sounds like you know this is the right way for you to go with the visit proposal. If you are at all like me, you are probrably just afraid of his reaction to it. I am deep in my divorce and I have learned to let the lawyers take the brunt of it. You can always get an peaceable communications order, if he becomes to much of a bully.

I totally understand you feeling like a big baby. Everytime I have to go forward with change to the orders, I am off balance for about a week.

Good luck and just remember that you are doing what is best for your kids not punishing your ex.

Best of luck,
4MyBoys
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Old 04-08-2013, 02:35 PM
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You are offering a fair deal.

You know he is going to be angry - expect that. I'd plan on not answering phone or email for a few days.

Lay low - out of firing range!

And be proud of yourself here. You are being more than generous. You could go for full custody, no visitation until he's done a year in locked down rehab with Dr. Drew, at his own expense.

Take good care,
~T
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Old 04-08-2013, 02:37 PM
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As a follow-up to Anvil: does your attorney believe this is the best thing too?

I'm asking because in retrospect, I should have been much more demanding, and asked for full legal and physical custody - but I think part of why I didn't was that I was afraid of how he would respond, and in a hurry together the divorce finalized.

You may never have a better opportunity than you do right now to give your children the best situation possible. Don't compromise.
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Old 04-08-2013, 02:43 PM
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MamaKit, I know how hard this is--I have been through the same thing in the past.

Please try your best to not what-if and worry about what he is going to do. This keeps your stress level up--and doesn't change what his reaction will be.

Just resolve that you will handle it when that day comes. Don't allow him to rent space in your brain. You have done great so far--and will continue to do so!!!!
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Old 04-08-2013, 02:54 PM
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Tuffgirl,

Can a person really ever ask for things like no visitation until after rehab? That sounds pretty good to this mama's ears.

What are other options regarding child custody negotiations?!
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Old 04-08-2013, 03:15 PM
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six months is too soon...

...and in a negotiation, and this is a negotiation, NEVER ask for what you want. Always ask for a lot more so you can give in later and he'll think he won.

Ask for two years before he gets overnights. That way you can give up a year and still end up with one year.

Six months, and I know what I'm talking about here, is WAY WAY too soon for overnights.

Take care,

Cyranoak

P.s. Apply this principal to all of your asks. It's exactly what he did with his ****** proposal, and now you are responding with asking for almost nothing. He was probably trying to manipulate this result, SO DON'T GIVE IT TO HIM. Give him back what he gave you, then negotiate to something reasonable.

P.p.s. Don't apply Normy logic here, apply an alcoholic's "logic" and this will be way easier.
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Old 04-08-2013, 04:22 PM
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You can ask for anything and everything. Whether or not they agree or the court approves is not something we can control. But there is no harm in asking!

I was kidding about Dr. Drew, though.
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Old 04-08-2013, 04:42 PM
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I'm reminded of when I finally gave up trying to make my 1st marriage work and relented to the requested separation. I told her I'd be happy to accept a legal separation and I wouldn't give her any trouble with the boys. She could come visit them anytime she wanted. after her initial shock she realized I wasn't going to roll over and let her dictate any terms. I got what I wanted, 50/50 joint legal and physical custody.

I think full custody and minimal supervised visitation would be a much better starting point for negotiations and I would be surprised if your lawyer isn't suggesting the same.
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Old 04-08-2013, 05:21 PM
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Leave it all in the hands of your attorney & go no contact if you can in between. I remember the dread you're feeling but you are doing the right thing & if he wants to sound off then try to ignore or block it.
Best of luck.
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Old 04-08-2013, 05:38 PM
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(((((mama kit))))))

Stop. Take a deep breath. Just think for a minute about all of the things you have done...all the big, scary steps you have taken to reclaim your life. You have shown great courage and strength. You aren't the same woman you were two years, one year, six month or even one month ago. With each step, you've gained self confidence and determination.

These old feelings of fear are just ghosts from a former life. You have worked really hard to free yourself from his tyranny and bullying. He only has control over you through scare tactics if you let him. DON'T LET HIM! You aren't that woman anymore. She's gone.

If your attorney and you both believe that this proposal is in the best interest of you and your children, then fire away. And then stand your ground. You don't have to deal with him directly. That's what the lawyers are for. Each time you stand your ground, you'll feel stronger and his old power over you will diminish.

Look in the mirror and remind yourself what a beautiful, strong, courageous woman you are. Because you are. And then do what you need to do each day to make your life and your children's life better. You are an unstoppable force!!!

Hugs...
Mary
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Old 04-08-2013, 07:06 PM
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I required he pass a breathalyzer (before and after) and it started out with just afternoon visits. Then it went to one overnight...the long and short is he failed and now I have full custody as he wasn't willing to go into treatment. My final divorce date is this May. I was concerned my giving the breathalyzer would
backfire but it worked out. We had a mediator and set up the arrangement via the mediator and that became a court document.

Best wishes.
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Old 04-08-2013, 08:44 PM
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Oh thank you friends,
You've given me so much to think about. I think ultimately, the arrangement for contact will be the right one. But, maybe I need to start out asking for more. It's been 10 months since he's been gone. Visits were supervised until last month. The first non-overnight, unsupervised visits seemed to go well. He's been pretty decent with the boys on the phone and skype too. We don't have any real evidence to show his alcoholism - no arrests, etc.. He says he hasn't been drinking for 10 months...but there is no way to know for sure.
But now is the time to ask for what I want and what I think the boys should have...it will only be harder later. He's still on the opposite coast and will likely not be here much and I've said a definite NO to them travelling out there without me....that is not negotiable.
It's not in me to engage in a fight...but if there ever was a time it is now.
I'm so grateful to all of you for your support and wisdom.
Hugs,
MamaKit
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