sotyrdofit

Hello all, I am new to publicly talking about my drinking problem so I don't quite know what to say. I may as well be honest about it here, so here it goes.

I started drinking in 2005 after I returned from Afghanistan(army) and had my whole life dumped upside down trapping me in a life I wanted desperately to get away from. Fast forward to 2012, I was so tired of the drinking, depression and despair I went to see a psychologist at the VA. It was this lady that listened to me and that is when we discovered that I have cyclothalmia(rapid cycling bipolar). We both hoped that once on medication that my desire to drink would go away. For awhile it did, but I am back at drinking daily and can easily finish( I make it last 3 days not less) a 100 proof fifth of vodka in 3 days, and it just makes me so mad that I am .... here(an alcoholic).

I have 3 kids, a husband, my own business and I desperately want to just be content and not have the desire to drink. I don't want to keep trying to plan when I can sneak a drink, how to disguise the smell on my breath and pretend to not be buzzed or drunk in front of my family. I'm just so tired of it. I don't have the will power to quit, I need help.

It makes me feel so defeated because today I want to quit, but by this evening I will be itching for my drink and my hands will just pour one even though my brain is screaming no no no.

Sorry for the rambling post, it does feel good to not have to lie here and to just let it out, so thank you for reading it.

Coldfusion

I hope you stick around, you'll get lots of people sharing their experiences.

I had my wife take me to the ER and then was in detox for a week. Really the only symptom that put me there was that I wanted a drink. I learned a lot by living with others who are struggling with addiction.

If you're in Washington State, look up the Lake Chelan Community Hospital; their recovery program focuses on those with a dual diagnosis.

Maybe you won't need detox or rehab, try looking at AVRT's crash course in the Secular Forums here. But if you do want some treatment, it may take some planning and waiting.

Best wishes!

Anna

I understand your frustration with the disease of alcoholism. I hope that your listen to your mind tonight. What worked for me in the very early days was changing my routines. Early evening was the hardest time for me, so I made sure to be out of the house at that time. I started walking, a lot and it helped me get through those evenings. Do whatever you can to distract yourself. I remember being absolutely physically, mentally and spiritually exhausted by the end of my drinking days. Stopping was really a relief and enabled me to get my life back. You can do this!

Nonsensical

Welcome to SR.

There are several special terms for this condition. The one I prefer is called addiction to alcohol. (Welcome to the club.)

It has many symptoms, but none are as baffling and frustrating as this one: continuing to drink despite a desire to stop and known negative consequences. So - you're not all whacky. And you're certainly not alone. Most of us here know EXACTLY what this is like.

There are several different ways to learn to deal with this. I highly recommend learning about the different ways to cope with alcohol cravings - because they will come. This forum is an excellent resource. You are in the right place. And...

You can do this!

Ladybug2

Hi and welcome, sotyrdofit! I can relate do what you said about being tired of planning how to squeeze in the next drink, finding ways to cover up the smell, and just trying to act sober. I have a husband and young daughter and am trying hard to stop my old habits. I am on Day 2 and it is not easy. I do agree with Anna . . ..we need to distract ourselves and do something different around the times we would normally have drank. Stay on this site and post what you are feeling whenever you want, it does help. Best of luck!

javamama

Hi and welcome Im new here too, I'm on day 3 here, had a few slip ups this week, tired of restarting so I am committing myself no matter how hard it is. My choice of drink is wine...white wine mostly. I'm the same way as you...I do good all day then the night comes and all my willpower goes out the window. I have been reading and listening on audio books on alcoholism. I'm married a also have 3 kids. The best thing fore to do is keep busy. Like you I'm also on medication (Celexa for anxiety and Depakote for chronic migraines that caused chronic dizziness after I ha my daughter 2 years ago) another reason I need I stop is because of the medications. Come join us in the April 2013 class, lots of encouragement there!

2granddaughters

Are you attending AA meetings?

I found that AA was the only thing that got me sober and sane.

The 12 Steps of AA addresses our alcohol(ism) and the rest of our "ISMs" as well.

All the best.

Bob R

sotyrdofit

You have all made me cry from your replies. I feel so many emotions right now I can't even process them. I so desperately want to quit but I feel the only way to do that is to go to someplace like schick shadel(researching this specific one). I have tried an AA meeting and felt like a complete outsider, and I know that I will I need more to quit. You guys are all so strong, I want to be the same.

Thank you so much everyone of you for the replies.

least

to our family! Start with just today. Don't drink today, get thru each minute, each hour, without drinking. Then tomorrow do the same. Take each day as it comes and stay sober for that day.

You can do this.

2granddaughters

I was a hopeless, helpless suicidal drunk when I came to AA in 1989.

I had been diagnosed manic-depressive in the 1970's and was on Lithium Carbonate for years along with Valium for 15 yrs.

I haven't had a drink or drug (street or prescription) since 1989.

I don't know why you would feel like an outsider at an AA meeting if you were there to quit drinking ??

I wish you the best.

Bob R

javamama

I know that a lot of us here don't feel so strong, I hate that I get cravings, last night I desperately wanted a bottle of wine. I did so well all day that the fact that I wanted it at night pissed me off! It's also another sign I guess that I am addicted. I have tried making a habit of drinking hot tea at the same time I would enjoy my wine. I also read a lot on here, I try to see that other people have gone though the same thing and came out successful. I highly recommend reading Drinking: A love Story by Carolina Knapp Im listening to it on audio book and it has helped a lot. I relate a lot to her.

wellwisher

Good to meet you, sotyrdofit.

I think your name says pretty much part of what is needed to change things. I know it was true for me. I was so tired of it. In my case, I don't think it was strength I needed; what I had to find was perserverance and a belief that I could do it - even when I thought I didn't have a shot in hell. In the beginning, that was a pretty tall order for me, but I found help in AA and a therapist. I wish SR was around when I got sober - I would have planted myself here.

You are not alone - dry those tears It is absolutely possible!

kiki26

Welcome! This is a place you can be completely honest and no one will judge you. I can relate to he sneaking and hiding. Vodka is also my drink of choice. I read the book rational recovery and practice AVRT to help my cravings. Good luck to you, there is lots of support here

jague

I know exactly how you feel, I was so tired of it too, I kept thinking and wanting to stop drinking for at least 2 years, I read once that if you have a drinking problem unless you quit it will only get worse with time, that stuck with me, and finally I saw for myself the truth in that statement. Then I read in a post someone said something like, what will I do for fun if I don't drink, and the response someone gave really opened my mind up, someone replied, Fun??? you call not knowing for sure how you got home, if you did something stupid, hurt someone's feelings, made a fool out of yourself, had unplanned sex with someone you hardly know, look like a wreck, banged up your body somehow, Feel like crap the next day, and wonder if you should avoid anyone FUN????? REALLY???? Take it one day at a time, whenever I get the feeling I might possibly have a drink, I think about how in a few short hours this day will be over and the urge will be gone....and I will be very happy the next day to know I made a very good choice, I feel bright, rested, and good about myself. Not to be preachy, but it also helps me to acknowledge the devil would love nothing more than for me to fail, he loves taking all the happiness out of your life...You have so much to live for and enjoying it free of any chains or anything that drains you of happiness is NOT WORTH IT...Best of luck to you, I will keep you in my prayers. God ultimately helped me to help myself, and I will be eternally grateful...Now that he gave me sobriety, I don't want to disappoint him...Hang in there...enjoy life and pray...

Coldfusion

I have heard of the method, but am not familiar with any of their treatment centers.

I am familiar with the detox I went to and the rehab my wife attended. Both places seemed to have the philosophy of providing the most up-to-date treatment as opposed to being trapped into particular methods by some dogma, and both places included nightly attendance at AA or NA meetings conducted by outsiders.

SoberRecovery is a great source of information, so if you have any questions about specific places you might find an answer here.

∞CF

ND3579

It sounds like u have a good head on ur shoulders. I'd suggest a mtg and prayer.