noexcuse

I don't know what is wrong with me. Maybe the reality of all of my wreckage caused while drinking is catching up with me. I've been having terrible nightmares, waking up sweating and panicked and full of fear and dread. It carries over into my waking hours and I wonder how I'm going to plow through everything. I've cried countless times in the last week and I'm emotionally exhausted. I feel like someone messed up when they made me.

Gilmer

To plow through it all, just keep putting one foot in front of the other. You eat an elephant one bite at a time, to quote a cliche.

RDBplus3

Surrender and Acceptance...let it all go and allow yourself to be recreated new. The old me couldn't fix it. It was pure living Hell. I had to surrender and accept what my life had become. I had to let it ALL go and allow myself to be recreated new. I am still working on it.

Jeni26

I was exactly the same as you in early recovery. Your emotions are bound to be all over the place and sleeping disturbed.

It will all settle down.

Be really kind to yourself, eat well, take plenty of rest.

You are doing well, and this will pass x

Nonsensical

Being addicted to alcohol causes changes in brain function that can last long after the alcohol is no longer in your bloodstream. It varies from person to person, but it's not uncommon for it to take months of continuous sobriety to get back to 'normal'.

If you still feel crummy after a few months you should probably see a doctor. You may have something else going on.

Drinking is not the answer. You might get relief for a few hours but you ultimately just reset the clock for a permanent solution to take hold.

Hang in there! It's a tough slog, but you can do it!

aasharon90

He didnt mess up when He made you or I. I
learned that He had better plans for me
when I entered recovery after wanting to
end my miserable failure of a life.

Recovery allowed me to LEARN about my
addiction to alcohol and how it affected my
body, mind, soul and all those around me.

Being in recovery for the past 22 yrs. has
given me a purpose in life. A reason why I
was given another chance in life to live with
tools and knowledge of addiction I learned
from many who are in the same shoes as I
and then to pass on all the free knowledge to
others still struggling with addiction.

To live a honest, freer, happier, more content
life as to the one I use to live drowning my sorrows,
blaming everyone else for my misery, being untruthful,
dishonest, false and everything else that was
negative to me and my life.

Today I am blessed, grateful to have that unconditional
love and care from the Man upstairs because I am
one of His children, living the life He wants me to live.

One day at a time. One step at a time. Forgive yourself,
learn all there is to know about ur addiction. Listen, absorb
and live with a program of recovery and faith in ur HP
for guidance, strength and care from this day forward.

noexcuse

Thank you all for your responses. Everything that you are saying is true...I've felt that faith and strength before and felt the serenity that has come from acceptance and surrendering. I feel like I'm on a roller coaster right now and I can't get off, and every hill and drop and violent turn is right in front of me and I know I'll be sick and miserable and the worst part is that I have no idea how long this f-ing ride is going to last. My work is on the verge of finding out about my DUI. I was hoping that I'd at least be able to keep it from them - most of the other people that work here would be able to - but even that isn't in the cards. I have court today for another of my drunken mistakes, so at last that will be over...just in time for me to hit the next hurdle of losing my license for a month.

I know that 'this too shall pass.' None of these things will kill me. I'm just so scared and lonely and miserable while I'm going through it and I totally want to just bail. I keep thinking that once I get through this thing or that thing, I'll start to feel better, but then something else happens and it's just like, really? Really??? First arrest, January. Wrecked car in February. Second arrest in March. All because of my drinking. Then I got audited by the IRS in March. My sure-to-be-dismissed case in court was continued instead of dismissed. My request to have my no-contact order lifted was denied. I tore something in my shoulder and my arm's been in a sling for over a month. Now work is asking for our Driver's licenses for the first time in I-don't-know-how-long.

All of these things are completely out of my control. I realize that. I also realize that the only way that they could have been in my control is if they never happened in the first place, which would have been the case if I hadn't been drinking. So it's out of my control, but still all my fault, and the repercussions are hitting me like punishments. I feel like I'm on the verge of losing it and instead of focusing on anything positive, I keep telling myself, "If one more thing goes wrong..." What? What?? If one more thing goes wrong, what?? I'm going to throw in the towel? Quit my job, join a commune? Run away, live in a tent?

I know I'm on the pity pot right now, big time. I just needed to get it out.

shauninspain

I have heard it said that alcoholics are people who didn't get the instruction manual for life. I certainly felt that way when I was a daily drinker.... which is exactly why I drank!

Take it easy, you're going through a lot of upheaval at the moment. The sedative that enabled you to round off the sharp corners of life is no longer part of the equation, and hence you are living life sober. It's all new and scary. But it will get much easier, and surprisingly quickly.

Sure you did a number of things when drinking that you regret, we all did. However, you will be able to make amends in good time, and try to put right the wrongs done. You'll make a clean sheet for yourself and life will take on new meaning.

Be kind to yourself, and stay focused on what is vitally important. Remaining sober.

2granddaughters

My life began to go from bad to better when I committed to AA.

Before that I found I was just going around in circles, sometimes big circles and sometimes small circles.

All the best.

Bob R

noexcuse

Got back from court a bit ago. My case got dismissed. Still left the courtroom crying... Now that one obstacle has passed, I'm certain that something else will go wrong, and I'm not sure that I can take whatever comes next.

We got a dog a little over a year ago. She's part hound. Once she gets it in her head to do something, she does it regardless of the consequences. Runs out the door and runs away, goes after other dogs, jumps on people, etc., etc. We got her a shock collar a couple of months ago. It's been rarely used, because she got the message rather quickly that the beeping was a warning and the shock would come next. But even though she only got zapped a couple of times, at first, she was terrified. She just sat in the bathroom, afraid to take a step.

That's exactly how I feel right now.

least

Try not to project what might happen in the future. Try to focus on now, this minute, this day. We can only control our own actions and cannot control the future, only how we react to circumstances. I hope you find some peace of mind.

noexcuse

Well, work officially knows about my DUI and me losing my license. I think I manipulated the situation a little by crying... I wanted the lady from HR to feel sympathetic instead of judgmental, definitely me trying to protect myself from more unwelcome consequences. I guess, if she felt sorry for me, I think she'll be less likely to talk about it with other people in the office and won't look as hard into whether or not I have to have a license in order to have my job (I don't, but I think it might have been in my job description).

So, I guess, obstacle number 2 is now over. Now that I am not completely tense and anxious, I feel completely exhausted.

shauninspain

With regards to the analogy of your dog and the shock collar, it's not a bad place to be where alcohol is concerned. I hope that for as long as I live, every time I see a drink on the TV, or walk past a pub, or see alcohol in the supermarket, I get a jolt of electricity which makes me turn in the other direction and walk away.... fast!

3girls1husband

You are making forward motion, and doing it sober....there is a lot to be said for that!
As cliche as it is, YES it will get better, everyday is a new day and some will be harder than others but you will be able to look back at this time and know how far you've come emotionally, personally, socially, professionally, etc! KEEP IT UP!