Crazed

So my company has had us on very limited travel from Jan-March. This week is my first trip in 2013. I just got settled into my hotel. Historically my frequent out of town trips were triggers for my EXAGs drinking. With NC, I must say, it is very nice not calling and having a conversation with one word answers so she can try to hide her slurring. Or having her not answer and wonder if she was even at home. Or getting angry texts from her. Or having the kids tell me that mommy is sleeping at 8pm in her work outfit.

And then not sleeping all night worried, then calling her at 5 am because by that time she would generally be sober enough to talk. Then feeling terrible all day when trying to conduct business, all the while worried if she even made it to work, etc.

Upon my return home there was the assurance that it was the last time. Safeguards would be put in place. For the next trip, plans were made to go to AA meetings on the nights I was out of town, or meeting with sponsor, etc. The plans always magically got changed. "Sponsor had to cancel" "I had to work late, so I couldn't make the meeting". Always something.

Then repeat.

I hoped and believed things would somehow change. They never did.

Yes, codependency at its finest. But none of that tonite.

(Thanks for letting me get my thoughts on paper)

BunnyNest

Wonderful moments. I hope these moments come more and more often for you Crazed.

DreamsofSerenity

Yeah!

Lulu39

YAY! for you. Have a great trip away.

However, it's not paper it's the Internet - that's my codie joke...get it Anyone?

Katiekate

I so know the peace in not having those nightly phone conversations, of not going to bed with worry on my mind, or waking up licking my wounds.

This peace will eventually seep into every minute of everyday, if you let go.

It took me a long time, I felt responsible for making things different, for taking care of him, for being a care taker for an alcoholic. It's more work than raising a child.

Give it time, it will feel better and better. Your brain will catch up.

Take good care Crazed, it's good to hear you talking about you.

much love to you Katie

marie1960

Woo Hoo,!!!! good for you Crazed.

Hammer

jmho, I think maybe they just did change.

YOU changed. Super work, my brother!


That is so great. I always feel I am screwing customers on projects/trips, too, when my mind is so split on what crazy crap Mrs. might be putting the kids through.

My daughter texts me "weather reports."

Yeah. Co-dee daughter, too. But she is doing great in Alateen, and I suppose I am doing the best I can in Alanon.

And for today, that is not so bad.

Again, Super Job, You!

Crazed

Thanks all. I had a bit of a hiccup in my serenity.... I forgot that about 8 months ago I had sent multiple pictures to be put up on a "success wall" at our main office. The theme of the photos was "what motivates me, drives me, and makes me want to succeed." So today, there I stood, looking at a nice section with my name, and blown up photos in a collage. Photos of what my EXAG and I found to be the most serene and transcendental activity (this is a huge bond between us) of scuba diving. Photos of nice vacation spots. And pictures of me, her and her kids. I even had some coworkers comment on how beautiful my family is. It was tough to hear. I looked deeply at her in the photos, and got a bit melancholy remembering the feelings of when they were taken. There were many good feelings. I think my EXAG and her daughters are truly beautiful. A life without the three of them will be difficult.

If my coworkers only knew about the pain and torment that comes with this disease.

Many of us will be going out to dinner, and the drinks will be flowing. While I enjoy some good bourbon, the thought of drinking right now in my life actually turns my stomach.

... I did my best to brush off the photos, and moved successfully through the rest of my day... One day at a time...

AnvilheadII

hey ya know what crazed, not bad, not bad at all my friend.

remember in Mary Poppins where they were able to jump IN to the sidewalk pictures? (which i ALWAYS wanted to do as a kid and even as a grown up). you STOOD there and looked AT the pictures, thought about when they were taken, what was going on, but you STAYED in today - you didn't hop in the picture. good job.

our Jazzman is way into scuba and has shared some awesome pics.