no contact for 2 weeks now this

Old 04-07-2013, 03:46 PM
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no contact for 2 weeks now this

Short version
On 11th last month I told my abf to leave he moved in with another alcoholic woman he had met in rehab then 9 days later told me he was in a new relationship (that hurt)

I've had no contact with him for 2 weeks it's been awful and so hard to stay strong and not contact him. Im missing him so much I love him with all my heart even after all he has put us through. I try to eat properly, do things I like, keep busy, look after me make it all about me, work on me, and I go out with family and friends but he is in my mind, under my skin where ever I am what ever I do he is with me. I try to remember all the bad times but the good times were so very good and they creep into my thoughts. I have sobed every day since he left.

yesterday a card arrived he wrote I wanted to send a card to say Happy birthday on the 2nd but thought I would upset you again.
I need to tell you Im sorry.
I know as well as you do that you cant live with me drinking and I cant live not having any input in the house and watching your teenage son taking the p.. out of you and getting his own way.
He said he loved me and only me and whatever happens he always will love me, he is still trying to stop drinking.
He wants to talk and hopes to hear from me but its up to me.

I haven't phoned him and he has not phoned me but I so want to talk with him. I dont want to go on the rollercoaster again but I love him and I know when he is not drinking we get on great.
Am I crazy for even thinking about it?
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Old 04-07-2013, 03:51 PM
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Is he still living with another woman??? that was very telling and hurtful. He thought so much of your relationship that he skipped right into her bed (i'm sorry i don't mean to be hurtful, but it is what it is).
Talk and a card are cheap fast fixes....give it a month and see how you feel then.
don't get back on the train to Crazytown.
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Old 04-07-2013, 03:57 PM
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So very sorry. Hang in there.
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Old 04-07-2013, 04:14 PM
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On 11th last month I told my abf to leave he moved in with another alcoholic woman he had met in rehab then 9 days later told me he was in a new relationship (that hurt)

^^^this should be the definitive END of story. ask yourself why you still hold on....and what IS it you hold on to? and how a $1.32 hallmark card makes it all better?

relationships have beginnings, middles and ends. MOST end. our job is to learn when it is time to END relationships which no longer serve us well, or bring us pain. by doing so we learn to hold ourselves in HIGH regard and not to accept or allow ourselves to be mistreated. EVER.
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Old 04-07-2013, 06:16 PM
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Are you crazy for even thinking about getting together to talk with him?

You are part of the alcoholic pattern. It is a very very common pattern, Jodane, and most women who have been hurt, rejected, and betrayed by an alcoholic do jump right back on the crazy train again the moment he calls.

The pattern is so predictable that we here on SR often say to posters about the alcoholic or drug addict: "He's going to loop back" "You haven't heard the last from him" "They show up again and again and again, be careful".

People could make money betting on outcomes like these. The alcoholic is self-absorbed and self-seeking. He moves from person to person, situation to situation, in a constant attempt at self-gratification.

It is common that an alcoholic who breaks up with his girlfriend when he is at his most inflated and grandiose will then a few days or weeks or months later, contact her when he is in a drunken funk. He's resenting what someone he knows did to him, or the girl he's currently exploiting did something he didn't like....it can be anything but the core thing is that it is about HIM wanting someone to serve HIM.

This is because alcoholics get used to the quick fix. That's what addiction is. It is a quick fix to life. Alcoholics become extremely selfish people because they lose the ability to delay gratification, to be uncomfortable, to wait and see, to work things through, to give of themselves.

He is looking for you to temporarily fix his mood.

And the moment you set a boundary or have a genuine need, he will lose interest.

You can risk this, if you choose, you can talk to him and see. But it is very possible that any reunion with him will blow up very quickly. And I say that just to let you know right now, in advance: it is not your fault. It is not you. It is not because of any personality trait, physical trait, family, friends, pets or hobbies you might have that he walks out on you again. When an alcoholic wants to drink, he will criticize the area of your life which you are most sensitive about, most uncertain of, or which you are even most good at. If you like looking at houses on Sundays, he will criticize that. If you like making art, he will criticize that. If you are good at your job, he will criticize that.

This is because addiction--the dark destructive force of addiction--will put up with anything in the alcoholic's life which does not interfere with his compulsive pursuit of alcohol. But the moment something or someone poses a real threat to that drive to drink, the relationship will blow up.

So just be careful: alcoholics say words that burn right through the skin. It takes some people years to recover from the wound. Be careful.
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Old 04-07-2013, 07:39 PM
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I see red flags everywhere. Don't go back.
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Old 04-07-2013, 09:05 PM
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it is hard. You should commend yourself for making it two weeks!

No contact is my biggest struggle. I have three children with STBXAH. I have to maintain minimal (extremely minimal - once a month texts regarding visitation and company business). English Garden is right on the money.

He only contacts me first if he needs something and then he expects immediate responses and reactions. When I don't respond, the texting ramps up.

Someone on here once said to me that 'no new contact is no new pain" . It has been completely accurate to describe it that way for me. When I do get sucked in to a new conversation on the phone, it leaves me horribly upset. Promises that will NEVER happen, pleading words, I love you's, the whole she bang, everything that I want to hear. But he is all words and no action. And he is on a steady decline.

Be gentle with yourself.

I know how badly loving an addict hurts.
(hugs)
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Old 04-08-2013, 03:21 AM
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Jodane,

I understand how badly you want to believe he is sorry and reach out to him. If my XA ever actually apologized, it would be really hard for me to stay NC because I'm not healthy yet. That's where SR comes in..

Listen to the people who have already been through this. I've reread English Garden's response to your post about five times; there's so much wisdom and truth to it. Don't answer your XBF. If he is truly sorry, sober, and not living with someone else, it will be revealed in time.

Hugs to you.
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Old 04-08-2013, 03:42 AM
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Jodane-

I agree with above and want to state that Susan (I always forget her last name, Anderson maybe) The Journey from Abandonment to Healing was really helpful for me in this situation.
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Old 04-08-2013, 02:37 PM
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Thank you everyone I have not contacted him but its so hard to stay strong.
I just keep reading all your posts when I want to get in touch with him. I'm reading them over and over again and it does help me.
once again a big big thank you
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Old 04-08-2013, 03:00 PM
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GOOD FOR YOU JODANE. Keep reading. Just like the alcoholic who is struggling to keep from taking that first drink---TAKE IT ONE DAY AT A TIME. Every day you avoid contact, you will get a l ittle bit stronger.

Stay busy, busy, busy!! This will get you through the day.

We are all with you. You are worth much more than this!!!!!

sincerely, dandylion
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Old 04-08-2013, 03:03 PM
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Do you need him in your life financially,physically,emotionally,spiritually?

Moving in with another woman would be a deal-breaker for me.

If he,s going behind her back to contact you then he,ll do the same thing to you.
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Old 04-08-2013, 03:03 PM
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Yes, GOOD FOR YOU. Every day you stay NC, you will feel a little stronger, and see things a little more clearly. We are here!
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Old 04-08-2013, 05:29 PM
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It sounds to me like he is putting a lot of the blame for the ending of the relationship on you.
Reality is he is an alcoholic & you no longer wish to live with one.
It is very common he has replaced you with someone else to drink with.
He doesn't sound genuine to me.
I suggest focussing on yourself & taking one day at a time.
You are definitely not crazy for feeling the way you do as many of us here have felt the same over our alcoholics.
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Old 04-08-2013, 05:52 PM
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Jodane, stay strong, you can do this, you got this. I am day 26 no contact whatsoever, but he abandoned me 5.5 months ago...the book Journey from Abandonment to Healing helped so much and of course so did this forun......I can tell you that he called between Nov. 1st 2012 which was the day he left til March and sobbed and tried to get me back he would have.....but then something happened, I don't know exactly what it was but I can tell you without a doubt, he has no chance whatsoever anymore, zero, zilch. I never want to see his face again or see his voice because it is the voice of the devil himself. Please stay strong, my ex sounds just like yours....you can do this, pm me anytime and can I just say wow, EnglishGarden, that was probably the most amazing,realistic and enlightening post I have ever read on SR in the 5 months I've been a member. I strongly suggest it as a Sticky-thankyou, thankyou, thankyou for reminding me of why I went no contact and why I am so better off. Hugs to all of you from Canada.
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Old 04-08-2013, 07:03 PM
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I agree about English Garden's post, Brokenrose! It really touched me.
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Old 04-10-2013, 12:37 AM
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thank you everyone for all the support I am still holding on, still no contact....it's driving me crazy though as I keep going over everything in my head thoughts wizzing round all over the place, but Im keeping busy. one good thing my junk room is looking much better now. busy busy busy
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