Fallow

Hello,

This might get long.

I am an alcoholic and have 4 months sobriety today. I am an AA member. I use a lot of other sobriety tools too. Normally I post over in newcomers or alcoholism. I have been reading a lot here though and trying to get an appreciation of the real damage alcoholism and addiction caused my loved ones too.

My wife of 3 years is a member of al anon. She grew up in an alcoholic home. Then she married me. We have a 2 year old daughter.

I have always known my wife is a very volatile person. She has had fits of extreme anger, self harm where she punches herself or pulls out her hair, and episodes of throwing or slamming things. She has threatened suicide in the past or said things like 'maybe it would be better if I was not here' to myself and other family members. I saw glimpses of this in the first years we dated and did not really understand it. I knew she was a good person and ignored those things. Plus I was actively drinking at this time.

That level of anger is not often but has happened once in the past 4 months.

Most often displayed are defensiveness and control issues. I cannot ask her to do anything differently without an excuse.. Without a reason why she should not do anything different. We cannot effectively communicate about anything she perceives as negative. She minimizes any mistake she makes. This has been going on for years. It did not begin to surface though until we were engaged and moved in together. Before then we just dated and had fun. Over the years of us living together she is digging in her heels.

An example of this is last week she was informed that our daughters daycare provider would be out of town. In the past we have always found a friend or family member to watch our child when our normal daycare provider is not available. I do not want someone I do not know watching my daughter. I don't think my wife does either. I did not get informed of this until 9:00pm the night prior.

I asked her 'who then is going to be taking care of our daughter tomorrow as neither of us can miss work'? She said 'there will be a sub but I do not know who'. I asked 'so when did you find out about this'? She said 'earlier this week but I forgot'. She then said she trusts our daycare provider and tried to brush it off as no big deal.

I am very angry about this. There is a long history of this type of incident happening around my wife. When I ask her how she could 'forget' something so important she says 'Im sorry' or that I am making her feel bad. It continues to happen. Over and over.

She does not seem to feel the need to communicate with me about important issues. She makes the decision herself and in the event I disagree or ask her to remember to discuss things with me she defends. Even if she knows she is wrong. I have told her it is ok if she wants to make every decision and not have to discuss things, but that is what single people do. She maintains that she wants to stay married and wants this to 'work', but she does not change her behaviors.

I am feeling that it is about time to walk away. It is becoming more and more apparent that her decision in life is indecision. I love my wife and she has a lot of great qualities. This lack of communication, controlling, defensiveness merry go round is out of control though. It makes me not want to be near her. I am always on edge waiting for the next episode. Another explosion of anger over something we could talk about and resolve so easily.

When I first got sober I told myself to wait a year and see how things were going. If things were not working by then I would seek divorce. I am now sleeping separate again by my own choice. I am feeling everything else in my life has changed and is going great, but my wife will not budge. Should I continue to wait?

So if she is stuck four months later after my sobriety, and four years after her mothers alcoholic death will she really ever be able to connect with someone else? Give up some of her control?

Every relationship she has is similar. I know I am not going crazy as her defensiveness has been confirmed by her own family members many times.

I desire feedback from anyone who is familiar with something like this.

I know I am in early recovery still. The thing is, now that I see what is happening more clearly it is hard to ignore. In the past I just drank and forgot about these issues. Now I want to get things resolved and move forward with our relationship. I just feel like I am moving in a new direction and she is staying put.

I have no ill intent towards my wife at all. I want her to be happy. I just don't know if that means I need to let her go or stay with her. Time is flying by though and I do not want our daughter to grow up in a negative environment. That is partly why I don't want to spend much more time watching my wife sit on the fence.

Please if you have any experience with something similar share it. Questions for me I will answer. I know this post is probably as clear as mud.

fairlyuncertain

Congratulations on your four months of sobriety, may many more follow!

The gist of your post seems to be: now that you are 'fine,' you see that your wife has problems, she isn't stable, if she won't change, you are going to leave her, even though changing, in this daycare instance, seems to mean mostly apologizing to you?

Here's where you can use the tools of sobriety to do things differently at YOUR end--the only end you can control. Try telling your wife you believe she forgot. Let go and let God. Thank her for handling matters and remembering to care for your daughter when you couldn't. Ask her what you could take over as a daily responsibility that would lighten her load. Check with your sponsor. Read some Al-Anon literature. Gain an understanding of how devastating alcoholism can be for everyone, and with it, compassion for your wife's childhood and experience of your marriage.

Most importantly, now that you are ready to steer the ship of your family, understand that the ship never stopped, you did. And addiction is a tricky thing. After four months, is your wife ready to hand over all the power to you? Should she even have to? My suggestion: take over a daily, boring responsibility or two, the stuff family is made of, like meal planning or vacuuming. Without fanfare, just as an Act of Service. Best wishes to you and your family!

marie1960

I am glad to hear you are 4 months sober. I wish you continued recovery.

While I have no experience with recovery, I did spend five years with an active alcoholic. Even though I am no longer with him, I carried quite a bit of anger and disbelief around regarding the whole out of control lifestyle that I had chose for myself.

Just because you are sober, does not mean she is not entitled to her feelings. The damage has been done, and more work is needed on BOTH of your parts to regain a healthy mindset and marriage. I spent alot of years sweeping everything under the rug, so when my world came crashing down, I was not left with much in the line of coping skills. I am not making excuses for her outbursts, I just can just understand how that can happen.

It does sound like she is a control freak, and her lack of self control warrants further medical help/ therapy , BUT....... you knew this when you married her and disregarded it. You get to decide what is acceptable.

Have the two of you tried marriage therapy? Are you willing to work on your marriage?

If you do not feel your wife is making the right decisions regarding your child, step up to the plate, she is your child too. So what if you have to take a few licks, it's your child we are talking about here, get more proactive.

You stated that "you are ready to walk away." Kind of sounds like you already have made up your mind. So I am not sure what you are really asking.

Fallow

I dont want her to apologize. I want her to stop conveniently forgetting to discuss matters of importance with me.

I certainly cannot do everything and neither can she. I do not need her to hand over all power to me, and the truth is the ship did not stop because I was an active alcoholic. I still did and do plenty of child care, cleaning, maintenance on 3 homes, laundry, dishes, cooking, and work full time.

Not saying I cannot do more but she did not arrange our daughters day care to my (or her) satisfaction. She dropped the ball and let a 3rd party decide without my or our knowledge. Now she refuses acknowledge that things should have been handled differently though we both know the truth.

That is really just one small example anyhow.

I would not divorce her over this. It is a body of work.

wanttobehealthy

I read your post and say the following with the awareness that there are limitations with how one's message can come across differently in writing on line than it would, say, in person.

That said, I read your message as: "I now am self aware and can see my wife is not... And I see it as totally healthy to spend the vast amount of time in this post discussing my wife rather than myself because it is she afterall who has the issues to fix".

Maybe I read it wrong but I think perhaps talking to a sponsor about what you've posted might be a good idea because I suspect that a sponsor would do what mine often has and tell me to focus on keeping MY side of the street clean and to focus on myself and what I can control rather than trying to analyze (in the name of concern) others...

You may think you were still present and able to pitch in and question the severity of the damage you did during your drinking days (and 4 months sober isn't that long so I imagine your wife is still anxious and mistrustful as she has every right to be) but I can tell you from being married to an alcoholic who thought he was really just fine that he was and continues to be utterly ignorant of the damage he did.

I hope that you are focussed on YOUR recovery and that you are not lecturing your wife about her issues. During brief sober periods, my ex-husband honestly believed he had it all under control and that the tension, anxiety, unhappiness he felt was because of the multitude of issues I had that weren't being addressed. That was his perception. The reality was pretty different.

I guess my advice to you is to talk to a sponsor and be at meetings and focus on you. Whether your concerns about your wife's behavior are accurate or not, you can't change her, convince her to change or control what she does anymore than she could change, convince or control what you did when you drank or even now...

I apologize if this sounds harsh. I am sympathetic to you and your wife and think it is great you are both trying to make your marriage work and that you are sober and she is in al anon. I just think that based on what I read, it sounds like you are awfully focussed on her and maybe some of that energy ought to be spent focussed on you?

Santa

First of all congratulations on your sobriety.

This statement is very familiar to me. There is a matter of intent here that I think is pretty important. I lived 20 years with a controlling husband. Whatever errors of omission I made, he ascribed to bad motives. If I genuinely forgot (I am an organized person but there were years when I had a LOT on my plate), he questioned my motives. I started telling him every last thing I could think of to avoid him thinking poorly of me. (You can see where this is going.) Long story short, I was accused of secrecy constantly, and it eroded all intimacy between us (his drinking helped that process along as well). To the point where I stopped talking with him, about anything. Are you sure this is what you want to do in your interaction with your wife?

BadCompany

This is called a resentment. Take it up with your sponsor as such. Your wife has flaws. She had flaws when you married her. It is not your job to fix her or even correct her. You can accept that people have flaws or you can prepare yourself for a very lonely life. Those are the only two options.

Fallow

This is not about her motives. Am I sure what is what I want to do?

That I want an open line of communication, yes.

Fallow

I spent the vast amount of the post talking about her because that is what this post is about, essentially have any friends and family responded in this way, and did you overcome it if so how?

I am aware of having resentments towards my wife. I have talked with my sponsor about these issues. I am doing my utmost in keeping my side of the street clean.

I tell my wife I will do anything she asks of me. And I will. I am just tired of living with the anger. And to be fair I was done with her anger years before I got sober. I obviously did not say enough is enough and leave though.

I asked her if it will help I will be happy to take over the day care situation from here. She got defensive and angry and thinks Im saying shes a bad mother... I was just trying to help.

theuncertainty

Hi, Fallow. Congratulations on your 4 months. Would your wife be willing to go to a counselor? Growing up in an alcoholic home removes a lot of chances to learn how to effectively communicate in a relationship. AlAnon works well in providing support, but maybe working with some one who can help overcome the faulty communication tactics that are learned growing up with active alcoholism in the home might help?

I didn't grow up in an alcoholic home, but after 16 years with AXH, I find I'm having to re-learn how to communicate in a relationship again. I've been gone long enough that I'd started seeing some one new. I'm having an incredibly hard time not getting defensive, not glossing over, not avoiding. In fact I've recently told him I'm not ready, because I've reacted to... not disagreements, really, concerns, maybe.... as if I'm still dealing with AXH. I don't do that at work; I take constructive criticism well; when necessary, I state clearly that their project does not fit into my work load as a priority, etc. I *know* that when I've said no, they might be upset, but they're not going to withhold kindness... (ETA: well, maybe they would, but I don't live with them, or desire their approval, so I'm not as emotionally invested with them. With some one in a SO situation, though, I revert to the mechanics I learned living in a home with an active alcoholic for years. I no longer apply healthly communication skills, because my experience had been that disagreeing meant my loved one would withhold love, kindness, attention. THIS guy most likely wouldn't, but that response is still there for me.

I'm also familiar with self-harm (SI); it's another mal-adaptive skill I taught myself while living with AXH. Is she learning how to deal with that? Does she know what is behind the impulses? I'm starting to. It's taking a lot of introspection and it's not just something some one decides to do; there are underlying reasons that need to be faced. I'd hazard a guess that it's in some way tied with her anger and suicidal ideation. Seeking professional help for SI and depression was a HUGE step for me, but oh so necessary.

Wishing you and your family continued strength.

redatlanta

Congrats on your 4 months of sobriety Fallow - keep it up it will be a year before you know it.

There are reasons why major changes are discouraged within the first year of recovery. Right now your focus should be totally on that without having added stressors - like say a divorce or separation. While it sounds like you have justification for the way you feel I would encourage you to ignore some of this until you have more sobriety under your belt.

I read through your posts and its been a bumpy ride for you to get here. I mean no disrespect just stating it from the non-alcoholic spouse side, but your wife has had to tolerate your addictions and relapses for years and SHE is still there. So I find it surprising that 4 months into sobriety you are ready to pick up and leave. You are concerned about who is taking care of your daughter now yet who was taking care of your daughter when you were getting **** snockered black out drunk last year - actually over the past 2 years of her life with exception of the 4 months you have been sober?

I am not saying that what you have written isn't maddening - it is - but your sober life with your wife has never existed and perhaps the way SHE acts is in response to the way YOU have acted most of your marriage.

Get into counseling, learn to pick and choose your battles. If ya'll are not meant to be now you won't be meant to be when you get one year sober (I know you will make it!!). Give it some time.

bless5

Congrats on 4 months sober! Well done.

I must say that you have only been married 3 years and with 4 months of sobriety, it's very, very early to be considering walking away, especially since you have a child. We live in an "instant, microwave, disposable" society these days. People get entertainment with the click of a button, instant food, texts, emails, we walk into a store and buy what we want, mostly when we want it, if I'm a little chilly I turn up the heat and feel better almost immediately... And the list goes on and on. Relationships aren't like that. They take time. I'm not saying that ultimately you both may find that you have to go your separate ways, but you have only been sober 4 months... For goodness sakes it takes 9 months to grow an entire HUMAN BEING!

Work YOUR recover and give your wife thr opportunity to do the same.

BadCompany

Then I'll ask on her behalf, let her travel the journey she needs to travel. If she is in alanon then the anger thing will come up.

cr995

Sorry but YOU sound a bit nuts to me!

It sounds as if she has all the responsibility of your daughter and then has to justify/explain the arrangements to you, How come she knows about the arrangements before you?? Hmnn maybe because SHE has all the responsibility for making them. Poor girl having an alcoholic husband after having to live with an alcoholic father. Sounds like she has had a lot to put up with. Her self esteem might be low - a healthier person would tell you not to let the door hit you on your way out.


I remember my AH

complaining about 'the texture of the' dinner after I made it
Asking me to account for every little thing I did and spent in running the household
Getting mad because I had not informed him of 'important things'
Saying I was controlling

All this while he was a 'raging' alcoholic who has temporarily sobered up.

Really in non alcoholic houeholds most women do the lions share of the work, before you add an alcoholic husband into the mix.

Fact is healthy people don't spend all their time picking at another person. Fact is YOU have played a part in making her ill and now you are both going to need to get help as you recover. She is going to have to work the Al-anon and you the AA program.

Finally I think your coming here is very brave and commendable because the anwers you get might be hurtful, but at least you have opened yourself up to hearing them. Also it is wonderful that you are going to AA because it has turned your childs future around.

My daugher is now married and is carrying all the problems caused by her fathers drinking on her shoulders - she's about to start a family and the ramifications will continue into that for many years to come.

As they say in the film ' Love is not enough' an alcoholic pulls no less than 7 people into the vortex of their drinking - it is truly a horrible disease.

Well done on your sobriety

Fallow

Great responses and yes some are difficult to swallow.

I will ponder them all. And be back soon.

BadCompany

They always are. Remember, fixing her, fixing the job, the bank account, the ... whetever, is not going to keep you sober. That is the old thinking creeping back in to make it's usual mess. Only fixing you will keep you sober.

fairlyuncertain

Translation: I'll do whatever you say, wifey.....and then when things don't turn out you can't blame me, it'll be YOUR fault, because I was just doing what I was told.

Doing whatever you are told will never build your character. Try doing the right thing, the kind, patient, helpful thing because YOU choose to. How about treating her well because YOU want to? This alcoholic need to both blame people and collect applause will not pave the road to sobriety.

thislonelygirl

though i undertsand where your coming from no one is perfect and she did stick by your side while drinking and seeking recovery. you say you were waiting back to see if things improve with her . have you spoken to her? have you asked her to speak to someone proffesionally for herself and for you two as a couple?

forgetfulness isnt always a sign of poor communication. sometimes its just forgetfullness and even if she neglected to speak to you about it purposely ...how were you while drinking? did she need to communicate with you on everything or was your drinking causing her to be the sole responsible parent and caregiver? was she the one having to make decisions?

these are things i would ask myself before making any major deicisions because you are now sober and if she is throwing tantrums as your describing...is it possible she has a serious condition like anger management, bpd or bipolar disorder ? ....in my opinion i think that its bothering you this much because of sobreity....put those shoes the other way around. im sure you bothered her. try to work it out with you comminicating first and not letting pride get in the way. sometimes its just taking a step back and taking a deep breath

Fallow

True. I will remain sober regardless of outside circumstances. Sobriety is my top priority in life.

I do not believe that I am trying to 'fix' her, but I will continue to look at my side.

Someone mentioned her staying with me all this time. That is very true though I also stayed with her... That reason and my daughter is why I am still here. I want my wife to have a fair chance to resolve some of her issues while I continue to grow in sobriety.

If she chooses not to deal with her problems as she has for many years, I will have to make some difficult decisions. Just not sure how long the timeframe is.

As far as why she was informed about the daycare thing and I was not it was because she dropped off and I picked up. Thats been our agreement for some time. Not all those other assumptions. Our day care provider simply happened to mention it to her and not me.

My solution is I will now drop off my daughter each day and also pick her up... Starting tomorrow.

I will be very sure to transmit any pertinent information to my wife as it comes up.

Fallow

Interesting take on it.

I only 'blame' her for what she does. Her actions. If she tells me what she wants I will do it if it is within my capabilities. I am not going to turn around and fault her when xy or z does not turn out right either.

I do not care to collect any applause either.

Not sure where you got all that.

My issue is that if I bring up the fact that her lack of prioritization placed our child in the hands of someone we do not know, she gets defensive and angry.

What is the right, kind, patient way to handle it?

Don't mention it?

It seems those are the only two choices, discuss my concern with her or ignore it.

I admit I could be missing something though.