ABF, Please help understand and give me some guidance
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 8
ABF, Please help understand and give me some guidance
Hi Everyone,
I have posted in other section of the forum but decided post here to and see if you guys can also help me with some guidance, I'm very lost. I'm new here and hope you guys can help me understand, make sense of what is going on and with any advice as to how to go from here. I'm an emotional wreck right now and have been going through so much despair I can't even think straight, I will try to post my story as short as possible and in a way that makes sense, I'm so confused I don't even know where to start.
I have been in a relationship with an amazing guy, we get along very well, never had a fight, he is everything I have ever wanted in a guy and more. I recently and after so much suffering was able to put all the pieces together and found out he is an A ( he doesn't know that I know) possible also using drugs ( I'm not sure of this yet). He has been going through a lot of problems in his life, things that any of us could go through and that are not really red flags, he has been under a lot of stress, during our relationship he frequently would disappear, would completely go dark on me to the point of blocking my number, I would be left completely shocked and in utter despair with no idea what was going on, when he would talk to me ( to tell me he didn't want a relationship as he needed time alone to deal with the problems in his life) he would talk to me like if he didn't even know me, like if I didn't mean anything and would be incredible cruel, cold, detached…after a while he would came back saying he just needed a friend and with so much in his life couldnt date anyone ( he would also act like if nothing had happened), I did find out that during this time apart he would have had short time relationships with women that he had started some sort of flirtation and emotional's affairs while we were still together, all of them with women who drank or used drugs. After we being friends for a while we would end up dating again and the cycle would repeat, disappear, blame some issue he wanted to sort out, friends again, dating again, disappear again…
While together I many times helped to pay for things for him and his house what cost me thousands of dollars of my hard working money, I thought I was helping him as he often mentioned not even having money to eat despite the fact he works three jobs ( he is deeply in debt, debt that I never got a good answer why it happened in the first place) after a while it hit me I was being taken advantage off as the things I was paying for where not really necessities but luxuries. The last time we started dating we ended up living together but this didn't last long as after living with him for about four months, he out of the blue asked me to leave like if he didn't know who I was and like if we never had had any relationship and is now going dark on me, I know once again he is having some sort of relationship with women he was once again having emotional affairs with while we were living together. Despite all this he maintains that he loves me and wants to be with me. Please someone help me to understand. Is this part of the A behavior???? To disappear like if they don't even know you???? How can he be so indifferent to how well we get along and how much I love him???? So indifferent to the pain he is causing? I'm heart broken and in total despair, I know very likely he will come back at some point, there's any hope to this situation??? Or I am setting up myself for more pain??? How to go from here and what to do??? Please someone help me.
Thank you very much in advance, I will be very grateful for your guidance and advice.
*
I have posted in other section of the forum but decided post here to and see if you guys can also help me with some guidance, I'm very lost. I'm new here and hope you guys can help me understand, make sense of what is going on and with any advice as to how to go from here. I'm an emotional wreck right now and have been going through so much despair I can't even think straight, I will try to post my story as short as possible and in a way that makes sense, I'm so confused I don't even know where to start.
I have been in a relationship with an amazing guy, we get along very well, never had a fight, he is everything I have ever wanted in a guy and more. I recently and after so much suffering was able to put all the pieces together and found out he is an A ( he doesn't know that I know) possible also using drugs ( I'm not sure of this yet). He has been going through a lot of problems in his life, things that any of us could go through and that are not really red flags, he has been under a lot of stress, during our relationship he frequently would disappear, would completely go dark on me to the point of blocking my number, I would be left completely shocked and in utter despair with no idea what was going on, when he would talk to me ( to tell me he didn't want a relationship as he needed time alone to deal with the problems in his life) he would talk to me like if he didn't even know me, like if I didn't mean anything and would be incredible cruel, cold, detached…after a while he would came back saying he just needed a friend and with so much in his life couldnt date anyone ( he would also act like if nothing had happened), I did find out that during this time apart he would have had short time relationships with women that he had started some sort of flirtation and emotional's affairs while we were still together, all of them with women who drank or used drugs. After we being friends for a while we would end up dating again and the cycle would repeat, disappear, blame some issue he wanted to sort out, friends again, dating again, disappear again…
While together I many times helped to pay for things for him and his house what cost me thousands of dollars of my hard working money, I thought I was helping him as he often mentioned not even having money to eat despite the fact he works three jobs ( he is deeply in debt, debt that I never got a good answer why it happened in the first place) after a while it hit me I was being taken advantage off as the things I was paying for where not really necessities but luxuries. The last time we started dating we ended up living together but this didn't last long as after living with him for about four months, he out of the blue asked me to leave like if he didn't know who I was and like if we never had had any relationship and is now going dark on me, I know once again he is having some sort of relationship with women he was once again having emotional affairs with while we were living together. Despite all this he maintains that he loves me and wants to be with me. Please someone help me to understand. Is this part of the A behavior???? To disappear like if they don't even know you???? How can he be so indifferent to how well we get along and how much I love him???? So indifferent to the pain he is causing? I'm heart broken and in total despair, I know very likely he will come back at some point, there's any hope to this situation??? Or I am setting up myself for more pain??? How to go from here and what to do??? Please someone help me.
Thank you very much in advance, I will be very grateful for your guidance and advice.
*
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
I have been in a relationship with an amazing guy, we get along very well, never had a fight, he is everything I have ever wanted in a guy and more.
during our relationship he frequently would disappear, would completely go dark on me to the point of blocking my number, I would be left completely shocked and in utter despair with no idea what was going on, when he would talk to me ( to tell me he didn't want a relationship as he needed time alone to deal with the problems in his life) he would talk to me like if he didn't even know me, like if I didn't mean anything and would be incredible cruel, cold, detached…after a while he would came back saying he just needed a friend and with so much in his life couldnt date anyone ( he would also act like if nothing had happened), I did find out that during this time apart he would have had short time relationships with women that he had started some sort of flirtation and emotional's affairs while we were still together, all of them with women who drank or used drugs. After we being friends for a while we would end up dating again and the cycle would repeat, disappear, blame some issue he wanted to sort out, friends again, dating again, disappear again…
Hon - this behavior above is HUGE red flags. This guy is a self absorbed jerk who is playing you.
While together I many times helped to pay for things for him and his house what cost me thousands of dollars of my hard working money, I thought I was helping him as he often mentioned not even having money to eat despite the fact he works three jobs
I was being taken advantage of
Despite all this he maintains that he loves me and wants to be with me. Please someone help me to understand. Is this part of the A behavior???? To disappear like if they don't even know you???? How can he be so indifferent to how well we get along and how much I love him???? So indifferent to the pain he is causing? I'm heart broken and in total despair, I know very likely he will come back at some point, there's any hope to this situation??? Or I am setting up myself for more pain??? How to go from here and what to do???
What do you do now? RUN! And when you get far away from this loser, ask yourself why you would think he is the most amazing man you ever met? In my mind, the most amazing man I will ever meet is the man who treats me with respect and common courtesy, whose word is always good, who is present in the relationship, and who continues to model these things by his actions.
I am sorry you are caught up in this whirlwind, but you are. Now step away from the addict. Trust me, once the dust settles and you are able to look back with 20/20 hindsight, you will see all those red flags you aren't seeing right now - that I can see quite clearly. This guy is trouble.
Peace,
~T
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
I have been in a relationship with an amazing guy, we get along very well, never had a fight, he is everything I have ever wanted in a guy and more.
he frequently would disappear, would completely go dark on me to the point of blocking my number
I did find out that during this time apart he would have had short time relationships with women that he had started some sort of flirtation and emotional's affairs while we were still together, all of them with women who drank or used drugs. After we being friends for a while we would end up dating again and the cycle would repeat, disappear, blame some issue he wanted to sort out, friends again, dating again, disappear again…
I many times helped to pay for things for him and his house what cost me thousands of dollars of my hard working money
after living with him for about four months, he out of the blue asked me to leave
he is having some sort of relationship with women he was once again having emotional affairs with while we were living together.
the first statement does not hold up with the laundry list of abhorrent behaviors listed after. DOES IT? unless what you wanted in a guy was lying, cheating, using you for money, kicking you out, and generally sociopathic conduct.
THIS you do not need. this is not love. this is not great, awesome or wonderful. it's a form of abuse. you deserve better.
he frequently would disappear, would completely go dark on me to the point of blocking my number
I did find out that during this time apart he would have had short time relationships with women that he had started some sort of flirtation and emotional's affairs while we were still together, all of them with women who drank or used drugs. After we being friends for a while we would end up dating again and the cycle would repeat, disappear, blame some issue he wanted to sort out, friends again, dating again, disappear again…
I many times helped to pay for things for him and his house what cost me thousands of dollars of my hard working money
after living with him for about four months, he out of the blue asked me to leave
he is having some sort of relationship with women he was once again having emotional affairs with while we were living together.
the first statement does not hold up with the laundry list of abhorrent behaviors listed after. DOES IT? unless what you wanted in a guy was lying, cheating, using you for money, kicking you out, and generally sociopathic conduct.
THIS you do not need. this is not love. this is not great, awesome or wonderful. it's a form of abuse. you deserve better.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
This guy has zero respect for you.
I do not find him to be amazing at all.
Time to stop romancing the notion of what you want him to be or what you thought he was and accept that he is a self absorbed jerk, with or without the alcohol.
Raise the bar, and find someone who is trustworthy, respectful, kind, and real. I don't even know you, but I believe you are worthy of that. Don't You?
I do not find him to be amazing at all.
Time to stop romancing the notion of what you want him to be or what you thought he was and accept that he is a self absorbed jerk, with or without the alcohol.
Raise the bar, and find someone who is trustworthy, respectful, kind, and real. I don't even know you, but I believe you are worthy of that. Don't You?
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 17
Have to reiterate others: A or not, he's being hugely disrespectful. Blowing hot and cold in such a major way is just not on in any working relationship, and you cannot accept it as okay.
People are treated how they let themselves be treated - if you don't like the dynamic he's set, then walk. Run. Sprint. Get the hell out of there and don't let him emotionally manipulate you while you do!
People are treated how they let themselves be treated - if you don't like the dynamic he's set, then walk. Run. Sprint. Get the hell out of there and don't let him emotionally manipulate you while you do!
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Dear MyEternity---I am with everyone else.Honey, this guy is a con-man--he is a player. He is playing you like a violin.
He does not love you. Guys like him do not love anyone---they only love what they can get from someone else.
Ask yourself if you aren't worth more than this. Please respect yourself and cut off all contact with this guy.****Helpful hint-- (please be careful about STDs from guys like this)****
very sincerely, dandylion
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
The wise thing to do is walk quickly away. Alcoholism is a progressive disease and there is nothing you can say or do that makes a difference. Alcoholics drag those who love them down, down, down. Their higher power is alcohol, more important than any person.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Welland, Ontario
Posts: 53
Dear MyEternity, I remember being where you are now and it was not long ago at all.....I thought my bf and I had what other people wanted, we laughed all the time, we teased each other, we were hugely attracted to each other and affectionate, and we spoke to each other 3-4 x a day. In the year and a half we were together, he randomly broke up with me 5-6 x out of the blue, for no apparent reason at all, and always came crawling back 2-3 days later, saying sorry and I took him back. He worked full-time but had nothing, always needed to borrow money for me....but to me it was evident he was an alcoholic, little did I know he was also doing cocaine. Eventually he had me convinced he couldn't pay for first and last month on a new apartment, so I gave him the money thinking he would be starting a new life away from his alcoholic room-mate, within a month he broke up with me. It was November 1st of last year......this time he didn't come back at all. He broke all contact, told me I was boring and I was the reason we were breaking up.....I thought he was a prince.....I was being emotionally and mentally abused hon, and I had no idea. 6 months later, no contact and I am over him, I still think about what could have been but I know he played me, he knew I had money and was a good girl.....he used me to improve his own life and then poof gone. Within 2 months he had a new gf if not sooner........run from this man. Please listen to me.....run, he will leave you over and over, and make your life hell...you will regret staying and he will not stop chasing the other women, mine didn't and always bragged (bc he was nice looking) about how ez it was for him to pick up.....well 6 months later, those women can have him, he is a monster, he walked away the final time without looking back.....the difference is this time I let him....good riddance. I feel for you I do, but don't think he will get better, he is who he's shown you, get away and learn to heal and love yourself and in time, you will find a guy that treats you with the respect you deserve. I am thinking of you. Hugs from Canada.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 8
I would like to thank all of you from all my heart for your posts and sharing your stories and experience with me, I find your advice and guidance the wake up call I needed, as I read your posts and have gone through this site for the last few days I have been sobbing non stop, my ABF is all over it! I could have written all those posts myself, I'm dealing with shock and denial, can't believe this happened and that my entire relationship with him was probably nothing but a lie, I was reading on another thread about mirroring and that is what I believe his "amazing self" was all about. I love him very much but I can no longer allow him to con me and hurt me, it has deeply affected my emotional, mental and physical health, the stress has been so much that I have lost almost my entire hair. I'm trying to process everything that has happened, make sense of it, I don't know, I feel humiliated, used, abused, disrespected, angry and the list goes on, I lost so much money on this guy, my hard working money that now that I look back on it he was just after my money, money he always acted like if it came easy to me! It never did and doesnt! I just work very hard for everything I have!
I hope I can find peace and healing, as more time I spend on here more I see what I have been going through and the tragedy I'm avoiding marrying and having children with this man.
Big hugs to all of you, your compassion and kindness are literally saving my life and my sanity.
I hope I can find peace and healing, as more time I spend on here more I see what I have been going through and the tragedy I'm avoiding marrying and having children with this man.
Big hugs to all of you, your compassion and kindness are literally saving my life and my sanity.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Keep your chin up. It won't be easy - you'll need to really steel yourself from the next time he pops up, and I would put money on this not being the last time you hear from this guy.
But you deserve so much more than this. Hold out for that. It's not this guy.
Keep coming back!
~T
But you deserve so much more than this. Hold out for that. It's not this guy.
Keep coming back!
~T
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 8
Originally Posted by Tuffgirl 
Keep your chin up. It won't be easy - you'll need to really steel yourself from the next time he pops up, and I would put money on this not being the last time you hear from this guy.
But you deserve so much more than this. Hold out for that. It's not this guy.
Keep coming back!
~T
But you deserve so much more than this. Hold out for that. It's not this guy.
Keep coming back!
~T
Thank you so much! I cannot tell you how much your words and support of you guys means to me. I cannot stop reading here and despite the circumstances I'm happy to be here as I don't think theres a better place that could help me with all this, you are all an extraordinary group of people and your courage is truly inspiring and gives me hope to be able to overcome this.
I'm sure you are right and he will contact me again, right now and I don't know how normal this is, maybe is due to all the shock I'm experiencing realizing what he did to me but I'm feeling numb towards him, I don't wish to hear from him.
I realize all this time I have been holding on hope to something that never really existed, I'm also scared if this makes sense as I have no idea who he really is, who was this person I was with? It feels strange, akward and I can't explain it, I feel violated, abused, humiliated, disrespected, used by someone I have done literally everything for, as I continue to read here and events keep coming to my mind more pieces of the puzzle I put together, I feel like our entire relationship I was asleep, I don't even know where I was honestly, is like I lost all the good sense and judgement I have followed until I met him, as hard as it is to me admit this I was definitely abused, I'm having a hard time coping with this fact.
I started working the steps this last few days and hopefully will be able to join a meeting near me. Trying to process all this one day at the time and look for strength and the girl I used to be.
Big Hugs,
My Eternity
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
I am sorry you are having a rough time. Acknowledging that this guy has used and disrespected you is a good first step. Keep the focus on you, and with time it's going to get easier. It may not feel like it today, but I believe this is a blessing in disguise.
I'm rooting for you, stay strong.
I'm rooting for you, stay strong.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 8
Thank you Marie, I have been a total mess today, can't eat, can't sleep, the pain is incredible and I'm going through a roller coaster of feelings and emotions, can't understand or make sense of any of it. I'm devastated and heart broken, one moment I think I will be ok the next I can't stop crying. I can't stop thinking if it was all a lie and why he did what he did, I was nothing but good to him and devoted myself to this man like to no other, I just can't understand it. I don't have family near by or any support network and it's very hard go through all this, I'm having a really hard time coping.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
You may never truly understand.
somewhere in the back of my head I can't help think, it was just a glass of beer, why can't you put the damn thing down, and let's go home and get on with our lives.......
But unfortunately that's not how this disease works.
It all comes down to acceptance of the facts, our emotions cannot no longer guide us, or rule our lives.
You are correct, we are/were living a lie. The good news is...... it doesn't have to define us. We get to choose our tomorrow.
somewhere in the back of my head I can't help think, it was just a glass of beer, why can't you put the damn thing down, and let's go home and get on with our lives.......
But unfortunately that's not how this disease works.
It all comes down to acceptance of the facts, our emotions cannot no longer guide us, or rule our lives.
You are correct, we are/were living a lie. The good news is...... it doesn't have to define us. We get to choose our tomorrow.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: London
Posts: 20
Sorry to read your story, it is very similar to mine.
I lived with my ABF for 3 years and put up with constant disarray in my life.
He wanted to do things on his own, he wanted me there, he said he wasnt drinking but he was. Taking him places etc etc., making excuses for him, the list goes on and on
A friend once said to me " A friend should enhance your life, not make it unhappy" This is also true for a partner.
I left my bf in January.
We are still in contact (which sometimes isnt a good thing) but I am in control of my life now, instead of his life making me miserable.
I went through so many emotions (most of them negative) when I was with him. By leaving I can look at the relationship from a different perspective and realise that I shouldn't have let him make me feel like that.
Basically I now see him as a lying, manipulative, arrogant man who wants everything on his terms and who will bend over backwards to make himself look like the victim.
If you can, get out of the relationship.
It is very important that you live and enjoy your own life. Once you make that first step each day will get easier and you will start to see a clearer picture.
I hope this helps a little, and good luck x
I lived with my ABF for 3 years and put up with constant disarray in my life.
He wanted to do things on his own, he wanted me there, he said he wasnt drinking but he was. Taking him places etc etc., making excuses for him, the list goes on and on
A friend once said to me " A friend should enhance your life, not make it unhappy" This is also true for a partner.
I left my bf in January.
We are still in contact (which sometimes isnt a good thing) but I am in control of my life now, instead of his life making me miserable.
I went through so many emotions (most of them negative) when I was with him. By leaving I can look at the relationship from a different perspective and realise that I shouldn't have let him make me feel like that.
Basically I now see him as a lying, manipulative, arrogant man who wants everything on his terms and who will bend over backwards to make himself look like the victim.
If you can, get out of the relationship.
It is very important that you live and enjoy your own life. Once you make that first step each day will get easier and you will start to see a clearer picture.
I hope this helps a little, and good luck x
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Concord, CA
Posts: 9
dear MyEternity
reading all of this and your story makes me feel like im living deja vu... however im a recovering aa that was dating a aa..... she would have me take care of her when she was not feeling well, buy her things and all that but the min she felt better she was gone. no calls no texts, just a big see ya.It almost took me out too... I finally realized that she doesnt give a crap about me. I sat awake crying my eyes out over someone that was not shedding a tear. I sat there day and night going why? how can someone be that way? how can someone do that to a person? the answer to that is irrellivent. we will never know as we cannot see into their minds. But we can see ours and we are good, caring, amazing people that will move on and be happy. They have some serious problems and we can do nothing to change them. We do diserve someone better YOU diserve someone better because you are a good person. only we can change our lives and choose to be happy and after what you have gone through i would say your due for a nice guy
one day at a time and you will make it.
hope this helps
reading all of this and your story makes me feel like im living deja vu... however im a recovering aa that was dating a aa..... she would have me take care of her when she was not feeling well, buy her things and all that but the min she felt better she was gone. no calls no texts, just a big see ya.It almost took me out too... I finally realized that she doesnt give a crap about me. I sat awake crying my eyes out over someone that was not shedding a tear. I sat there day and night going why? how can someone be that way? how can someone do that to a person? the answer to that is irrellivent. we will never know as we cannot see into their minds. But we can see ours and we are good, caring, amazing people that will move on and be happy. They have some serious problems and we can do nothing to change them. We do diserve someone better YOU diserve someone better because you are a good person. only we can change our lives and choose to be happy and after what you have gone through i would say your due for a nice guy
one day at a time and you will make it.
hope this helps
Life Health Prosperity
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Louisana
Posts: 6,752
MyEternity, While together I many times helped to pay for things for him and his house what cost me thousands of dollars of my hard working money.
MyEternity, is there a shortage of men where you live?
MyEternity, is there a shortage of men where you live?
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