yesyoucan

6:37am in the Peach State, and I have been up since 4:30. Not because I feel hung over or ill, but mainly because my mind would not rest. It was if I woke up, and mentally said 'no more'.

I honestly have no idea where to begin with my story. Prone to alcoholism, my life has known nothing else. My father was a alcoholic, and everyone in my entire family has been addicted to something!

My journey through life has been one of survivor mode, and I must say, somehow GOD always prevailed. I suppose when my mother walked out (basically vanished from my life) at the age of five, it all began.

My father did the best he could, considering his own weakness to alcohol however, it certainly opened the doors for my own addiction. Aside from the turmoil of dealing with the loss of my mother, I also dealt with the pain of having four stepmothers which all were abusive.

While some considered us poor white trash, I got a job at the age of 14, and never stopped working. In fact, I was determined to NOT be a product of my raising.. So much so, until I got sick four years ago with Lyme, I was a highly functioning alcoholic to say the least. Yes I drank daily however, reflecting back, I found it to be normal. My background/roots involved drinking, and all of my high rolling successful friends drank wine daily also. It was the way to escape a long day at the office if you might say.

Now four years later, I realize my time has come, and it is time to face these demons. Being sick over the past three years and aided my addiction. Watching myself slowly deteriorate from this illness, has been the single worst things I have ever encountered. (AND I have been through a lot)!

Allow me to also add, I am not a heavy drinker and mainly because my body cannot handle it. Four or five beers, and I am TOAST. The fact remains, it's not how many I drink, but more of, I want it and practically need it daily to cope. As you've heard, it does call me.

Aside from the fact I am so ashamed of how my life has played out, and I KNOW I am better than this addiction, I have one daughter who just inspires me to WANT this change. She means everything to me, and I cannot imagine her looking back and thinking about me being a drunk throughout her teenage years. It's already bad enough she has had to witness this terrible illness I have been fighting over the past three years, but to add 'drunk' to the equation makes me sick..

I am truly going to give this my best shot.

Gilmer

You can do it. Hang around here--you'll find lots of support.

least

I'm glad you found us and joined the family! You can do this!

yesyoucan

Thanks all. I truly know I can do anything I put my mind too, it's a matter of wanting it bad enough. The single biggest challenge I know I am going to have to overcome, is dealing with the routine and habit of drinking. It's like when the clock strikes 6pm, it's TIME.. I admit I have a nervous energy that needs to also be addressed. I have never been the calm one, and drinking gave me that EDGE. The key difference now, where it use to calm me, it now controls me. UGGG!

Richierich777

Welcome. I wake up feeling alive and you will as well. Routine habits I broke since they were when my family was out. So I do other things to keep me busy. If someone can run 52 marathons in a years, why can't I stop drinking for one day, and the next.... I can.

yesyoucan

True but this has been MUCH harder than I thought.. UGGG!!

Anna

It's not easy, but you can get through the evening. Hang in there.

Dee74

welcome to SR yesyoucan

D

yesyoucan

It's awful! I am so ashamed to say I drank a beer. I would LOVE to lie but that would be feeding my utter most shame. All was well today. Took my teenager to see a movie, shopped for prom dresses, came home took a bath -- and IT called me. I am so embarrassed to admit this! I've had one beer, and though I am completely exhausted, I feel slightly relieved. Maybe because my BODY never rests! Alcohol is the one single thing that slows me down. In a GOOD and TOXIC way. I will try again tomorrow.

yesyoucan

Allow me to add.. I think being in the dressing room with my daughter today just made my attempts at no alcohol fail. I am not trying to make ANY excuses however, as I looked at myself in the mirror, I was DISGUSTED. The scars on my face from Lyme, the Chemo I went through, the two years of antibiotics, and the damage I see when reviewing myself at a glance is almost too much for me the take. Three years ago I could have been on the cover of any magazine.. Now I am wilted, red, scarred, wrinkled, broken teeth, etc, etc, etc; I am going to HAVE to get past what I use to be, in order for me to overcome what I am now. PERIOD.