Do we have a huge problem here??? Need help.
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Join Date: Apr 2013
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Do we have a huge problem here??? Need help.
Need advice...I'll give some background info first...
3 years ago, my husband and I began a habit of drinking heavily every now and then - on weekends, as it made intimacy between us more exciting/less uncomfortable. We genuinely enjoyed each other after a few drinks.
2 years ago, I quit drinking almost completely because I really wanted to be able for us to be close without alcohol. My husband has always had trouble with intimacy - no holding hands, kissing, hugging, touching or eye contact. He still continued to make "moves" on me, which I love. It makes me feel desired and like he still loves me. Anyway, I quit drinking, but he continued. He began drinking rum and coke, and then began adding less cola, until he was drinking nearly 6 shots of rum every night, for an entire year. I asked him to cut down. He began hiding the amount he was drinking, hiding bottles, using a bottle to fill another bottle so I wouldn't know the amount. He also began pulling away from me more. Sex was mostly initiated by me, but he was willing. Sometimes he would have erection troubles, most of the time he was okay. He did blame me, though for the sex problems. He thought if I wore pretty things, then he'd be more interested. So I put pretty things on...and he said, "There you go!" But his tone was very okey dokey and he never made any sort of move on me at all. He really didn't even look. I am pretty, by the way.
1 year ago I convinced him to quit drinking...only he decided he would drink beer instead. So, he started with a couple of beers every night. A couple of weeks it was 4 beers. Later is was 5 beers, but he was hiding the 5th and occasionally the 6th bottle in the bottom of the garbage can. He would sit on the couch each night in silence, not really interested in me at all, drinking beer, urinating all night and spending a great deal of time in the bathroom.
Last week, I threw out a case of beer. He has been having bowel problems, further intimacy problems, and he is sweating at night. Two nights ago he was talking in his sleep. He sounded angry, and was rudely telling someone that if they wanted a beer, then they were in the fridge.
My husband has been talking about beer daily. He seems like he's joking. He'll laugh and say that he'll have sex with me if I let him have a beer. He says that for every 3 beers I let him have, he will have sex with me once. He was sucking up to me big time yesterday, and for the first time in a long time, he initiated sex. A half hour later, he's hinting that he deserves a beer. My heart sank. Like I don't deserve sex unless I give him what he wants...
I know that once I give the go ahead for him to drink, then things will go back to the awful way they have been. I have seen this pattern before. He'll be nice for a week, then he forgets me again. Whenever I catch him doing something wrong, I forgive him. He's nice for a minute, then back to the same old thing. I forgive him often...He's never abusive, though has been in the beginning of our marriage...He embezzled from work a few times. I forgave him. He talked to girls online. I forgave him. He charged up the credit card. I forgave him. He was hiding pot. I forgave him. Constant things like this. Always something. He is impulsive.
I'm not without fault. I've screwed up in the past. I admit to having a one night stand with the father of my first child. My husband was possessive and mean at times. I wanted a way out. I imagined that my ex was a hero, but he turned out to be just as damaged as me... I went back, and my husband just sort of gave up after that I think. This could be all my fault. Given the situation...anger, aggressiveness, mistrust, controlling possessiveness...from the both of us, I know exactly why I did it. Our beginning was miserable. I really feel like running now. But I will never run away again.
My husband mentioned today that if I put the 5 beers (that didn't break from the case I threw on the patio)...back in the fridge for him, then he would be happy. Again, he says this in a joking manner, but kept repeating it. So, basically, if I put the beer back, then that's telling him it's okay for him to drink?
I told him that I will no longer try to control his life. I will not control what he drinks. I said I know that his stomach is damaged, and that he has intimacy problems that are being made worse by the alcohol, but I will not force him to make changes regarding his health anymore. I said that I think he underestimates me. That he takes me for granted. That I forgive him for everything, and that he takes advantage of that. I wonder if he's ever forgiven me?
For myself, I'm going to try to detach from the drinking, but I've been trying for a while now...it's hard when night after night, he doesn't look at me or touch me. Should I detach from the other behaviors? I don't think that's healthy. It hurts that he is so content with never moving forward or being happy simply being with me. He can't do it without drinking. Alcohol creates a fake sense of contentment. He's said that he is just trying to survive. He said he doesn't feel like he's living. He's said he is happy and thought we both were. Except I tell him every couple of months that nothing ever changes, and that I am unhappy. I think he wants me to be quiet about everything so he can feel like everything is okay. He also doesn't want me to talk to anyone about it. He said if I do, I will be undeserving of his love. Neither of us has any friends to talk to anyway. If I suggest having friends, he acts silent and angry. He'll avoid me for a while...passive aggressive punishment.
I told him that he can continue to drink if he chooses, but if he continues to ignore me, and he never changes, then he cannot expect me to live lonely every day. He would have to accept and understand that I won't live "here" like this. He said, "Is that a threat?" I asked what I can do for him to make him happier. Is there anything about myself I can change? He said he has no problems with me. Super. He'd never say anything if he did have a problem with me.
He says I take everything away from him. His online gaming. I made him stop when he spent 7,000 on the credit card for it. His beer. We can't afford it. We can't. I go without a lot of things as it is. Yet, I feel guilty telling him not to drink. Like his life is bad because I stay at home, and he has to go out in the world every day and deal with people. I feel guilty. It's overwhelming. Maybe I am controlling. He says I am. In his mind and in his own words, a man should be able to drink beer at night. He thinks he should be allowed to, because it is a creature comfort...is it? He now says he wants to drink beer because it tastes good. I asked why does he drink so much then...he replied that his metabolism is high...and I said, what does your high metabolism have to do with the taste of beer? Ugh. We never really have big fights, just circular conversations that lead nowhere. Nothing is ever resolved. It's exhausting.
I need help sorting this out. I keep flip flopping my views on all of this. Is there a drinking problem, or a general relationship problem or both?
So, how do I detach? Do I detach? Is alcohol a problem here? Is beer such a big deal? Is this just the beginning and will it get worse? We are good friends at this point. We truly are. I'm afraid we'll never grow to be more. I tell him how much I care about him. I tell him I'm glad he is who he is. I tell him I'm proud of him...he says I focus too much on him. I have no one else to focus on. I don't have friends. He doesn't approve of people. He finds something bad in everyone that he's afraid will rub off on me. He is my only friend. He is my husband. Shouldn't I worry about him? Again, the guilt. That's the main reason I don't have any friends. It will upset him...
I keep going on and on. Sorry for this :/ My mind is truly a mess.
3 years ago, my husband and I began a habit of drinking heavily every now and then - on weekends, as it made intimacy between us more exciting/less uncomfortable. We genuinely enjoyed each other after a few drinks.
2 years ago, I quit drinking almost completely because I really wanted to be able for us to be close without alcohol. My husband has always had trouble with intimacy - no holding hands, kissing, hugging, touching or eye contact. He still continued to make "moves" on me, which I love. It makes me feel desired and like he still loves me. Anyway, I quit drinking, but he continued. He began drinking rum and coke, and then began adding less cola, until he was drinking nearly 6 shots of rum every night, for an entire year. I asked him to cut down. He began hiding the amount he was drinking, hiding bottles, using a bottle to fill another bottle so I wouldn't know the amount. He also began pulling away from me more. Sex was mostly initiated by me, but he was willing. Sometimes he would have erection troubles, most of the time he was okay. He did blame me, though for the sex problems. He thought if I wore pretty things, then he'd be more interested. So I put pretty things on...and he said, "There you go!" But his tone was very okey dokey and he never made any sort of move on me at all. He really didn't even look. I am pretty, by the way.
1 year ago I convinced him to quit drinking...only he decided he would drink beer instead. So, he started with a couple of beers every night. A couple of weeks it was 4 beers. Later is was 5 beers, but he was hiding the 5th and occasionally the 6th bottle in the bottom of the garbage can. He would sit on the couch each night in silence, not really interested in me at all, drinking beer, urinating all night and spending a great deal of time in the bathroom.
Last week, I threw out a case of beer. He has been having bowel problems, further intimacy problems, and he is sweating at night. Two nights ago he was talking in his sleep. He sounded angry, and was rudely telling someone that if they wanted a beer, then they were in the fridge.
My husband has been talking about beer daily. He seems like he's joking. He'll laugh and say that he'll have sex with me if I let him have a beer. He says that for every 3 beers I let him have, he will have sex with me once. He was sucking up to me big time yesterday, and for the first time in a long time, he initiated sex. A half hour later, he's hinting that he deserves a beer. My heart sank. Like I don't deserve sex unless I give him what he wants...
I know that once I give the go ahead for him to drink, then things will go back to the awful way they have been. I have seen this pattern before. He'll be nice for a week, then he forgets me again. Whenever I catch him doing something wrong, I forgive him. He's nice for a minute, then back to the same old thing. I forgive him often...He's never abusive, though has been in the beginning of our marriage...He embezzled from work a few times. I forgave him. He talked to girls online. I forgave him. He charged up the credit card. I forgave him. He was hiding pot. I forgave him. Constant things like this. Always something. He is impulsive.
I'm not without fault. I've screwed up in the past. I admit to having a one night stand with the father of my first child. My husband was possessive and mean at times. I wanted a way out. I imagined that my ex was a hero, but he turned out to be just as damaged as me... I went back, and my husband just sort of gave up after that I think. This could be all my fault. Given the situation...anger, aggressiveness, mistrust, controlling possessiveness...from the both of us, I know exactly why I did it. Our beginning was miserable. I really feel like running now. But I will never run away again.
My husband mentioned today that if I put the 5 beers (that didn't break from the case I threw on the patio)...back in the fridge for him, then he would be happy. Again, he says this in a joking manner, but kept repeating it. So, basically, if I put the beer back, then that's telling him it's okay for him to drink?
I told him that I will no longer try to control his life. I will not control what he drinks. I said I know that his stomach is damaged, and that he has intimacy problems that are being made worse by the alcohol, but I will not force him to make changes regarding his health anymore. I said that I think he underestimates me. That he takes me for granted. That I forgive him for everything, and that he takes advantage of that. I wonder if he's ever forgiven me?
For myself, I'm going to try to detach from the drinking, but I've been trying for a while now...it's hard when night after night, he doesn't look at me or touch me. Should I detach from the other behaviors? I don't think that's healthy. It hurts that he is so content with never moving forward or being happy simply being with me. He can't do it without drinking. Alcohol creates a fake sense of contentment. He's said that he is just trying to survive. He said he doesn't feel like he's living. He's said he is happy and thought we both were. Except I tell him every couple of months that nothing ever changes, and that I am unhappy. I think he wants me to be quiet about everything so he can feel like everything is okay. He also doesn't want me to talk to anyone about it. He said if I do, I will be undeserving of his love. Neither of us has any friends to talk to anyway. If I suggest having friends, he acts silent and angry. He'll avoid me for a while...passive aggressive punishment.
I told him that he can continue to drink if he chooses, but if he continues to ignore me, and he never changes, then he cannot expect me to live lonely every day. He would have to accept and understand that I won't live "here" like this. He said, "Is that a threat?" I asked what I can do for him to make him happier. Is there anything about myself I can change? He said he has no problems with me. Super. He'd never say anything if he did have a problem with me.
He says I take everything away from him. His online gaming. I made him stop when he spent 7,000 on the credit card for it. His beer. We can't afford it. We can't. I go without a lot of things as it is. Yet, I feel guilty telling him not to drink. Like his life is bad because I stay at home, and he has to go out in the world every day and deal with people. I feel guilty. It's overwhelming. Maybe I am controlling. He says I am. In his mind and in his own words, a man should be able to drink beer at night. He thinks he should be allowed to, because it is a creature comfort...is it? He now says he wants to drink beer because it tastes good. I asked why does he drink so much then...he replied that his metabolism is high...and I said, what does your high metabolism have to do with the taste of beer? Ugh. We never really have big fights, just circular conversations that lead nowhere. Nothing is ever resolved. It's exhausting.
I need help sorting this out. I keep flip flopping my views on all of this. Is there a drinking problem, or a general relationship problem or both?
So, how do I detach? Do I detach? Is alcohol a problem here? Is beer such a big deal? Is this just the beginning and will it get worse? We are good friends at this point. We truly are. I'm afraid we'll never grow to be more. I tell him how much I care about him. I tell him I'm glad he is who he is. I tell him I'm proud of him...he says I focus too much on him. I have no one else to focus on. I don't have friends. He doesn't approve of people. He finds something bad in everyone that he's afraid will rub off on me. He is my only friend. He is my husband. Shouldn't I worry about him? Again, the guilt. That's the main reason I don't have any friends. It will upset him...
I keep going on and on. Sorry for this :/ My mind is truly a mess.
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Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 2,349
One thing I had to learn about living with an alcoholic was that I was not responsible for his happiness. If you want friends, then go out and get them. If he is upset, that's on him. Have you tried Al Anon? I learned in the rooms there that I am allowed to have my own life and I'm allowed to take care of myself and our son without his approval. My AH hates the fact that I go to meetings, he used to binge every night I went to a meeting, but I was determined to do what I needed to do for me.
He is pulling typical alcoholic control methods on you, he's not really afraid the bad people are going to rub off on you. What he's afraid of(and what my AH is afraid of) is that you will gain freedom and friends and leave him behind and that scares the crap out of any alcoholic. They don't want us to take care of ourselves, they want us to take care of them.
Yes, the circular arguments that go nowhere. I'm quite familiar with those, too. We don't have knock down drag out fights, either, just these conversations that make me feel like I'm crazy and make him look smart and in control. It's infuriating, I agree. My AH has said similar stuff: You won't let me look at porn, you took away my beer so now I can't hang out with my buddies and let loose. What else does he have to live for? UGH! I've seen the biggest pity parties on the planet and I used to sit there and try to tell him how wonderful his life is: working from home, gets to see his family, has a great kid, blah, blah, blah but nothing was ever good enough for him. He was never satisfied because he is empty and looking for something to fill that hole that I finally realized I couldn't fill for him. When I stepped back, got out of my own denial, and detached I was able to see how I was enabling and fixing everything for him especially emotionally.
I highly recommend you read "Getting them Sober" by Toby Rice Drews and "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie. I am still married to my AH but I have found friends and alliances in the rooms of Al Anon and that has given me a great deal of peace and serenity despite living with the insanity at home. So much of your story rings true to me but I know you are a capable strong woman and can take some steps to find your own peace for YOU.
He is pulling typical alcoholic control methods on you, he's not really afraid the bad people are going to rub off on you. What he's afraid of(and what my AH is afraid of) is that you will gain freedom and friends and leave him behind and that scares the crap out of any alcoholic. They don't want us to take care of ourselves, they want us to take care of them.
Yes, the circular arguments that go nowhere. I'm quite familiar with those, too. We don't have knock down drag out fights, either, just these conversations that make me feel like I'm crazy and make him look smart and in control. It's infuriating, I agree. My AH has said similar stuff: You won't let me look at porn, you took away my beer so now I can't hang out with my buddies and let loose. What else does he have to live for? UGH! I've seen the biggest pity parties on the planet and I used to sit there and try to tell him how wonderful his life is: working from home, gets to see his family, has a great kid, blah, blah, blah but nothing was ever good enough for him. He was never satisfied because he is empty and looking for something to fill that hole that I finally realized I couldn't fill for him. When I stepped back, got out of my own denial, and detached I was able to see how I was enabling and fixing everything for him especially emotionally.
I highly recommend you read "Getting them Sober" by Toby Rice Drews and "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie. I am still married to my AH but I have found friends and alliances in the rooms of Al Anon and that has given me a great deal of peace and serenity despite living with the insanity at home. So much of your story rings true to me but I know you are a capable strong woman and can take some steps to find your own peace for YOU.
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Join Date: Apr 2013
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I know that once I give the go ahead for him to drink
Yet, I feel guilty telling him not to drink. Like his life is bad because I stay at home, and he has to go out in the world every day and deal with people.
He now says he wants to drink beer because it tastes good. I asked why does he drink so much then...he replied that his metabolism is high...
He says I take everything away from him. His online gaming. I made him stop when he spent 7,000 on the credit card for it.
He's never abusive, though has been in the beginning of our marriage...He embezzled from work a few times. I forgave him. He talked to girls online. I forgave him. He charged up the credit card. I forgave him. He was hiding pot. I forgave him.
He also doesn't want me to talk to anyone about it. He said if I do, I will be undeserving of his love.
I really feel like running now. But I will never run away again.
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Join Date: Apr 2013
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The biggest reason I don't leave is because we have 5 children...alcohol doesn't affect them yet. They never really see him drinking. I tried to explain to them the difference between drinking a ton of beer and having one with giant greasy cheeseburger on a hot day...I think they get it...However, if he continues in this direction, they will definitely see an alcohol problem.
Another reason is that we have struggled for a long time to get where we are. I sometimes think our life is nearly perfect. We have a nice, modest home with little gardens, dogs and cats, happy kids, and he and I have a nice friendship. We fish together and garden together...he used to be a thug type, now he piddles in a garden...His old friends from his youth wouldn't recognize him... I've changed too.
I think I've come to settle with him simply being home every night over true intimacy and sobriety...He brought that up once..."Well, at least I'm home every night"...And for that I'm thankful. I'm starting to really think he drinks to deaden the impulses in his mind. He used to never be home at night when we first married. He always had to go. I don't think he can just sit. Lol, except when he's watching the news. He is very obsessed with that and won't budge for hours watching it. Here I go talking about him again
I just have so much hope. I do realize this can all be taken away, and I also know that it can get better. I want to try. I know we'll never be truly perfect.
My hope is that we can get help together, but I don't know that he would go for it, since he doesn't see any problem...though, I think he knows there is a problem. If things stay this way or get worse, though, I can see me leaving with the kids. Sometimes I get so mad and I actually hope I'll get sick or something and he'll want to take care of me for once. I want him to see me, and the only way I can get him to is to dying or something. So yeah, I wouldn't want to live like this forever. Who could?
Another reason is that we have struggled for a long time to get where we are. I sometimes think our life is nearly perfect. We have a nice, modest home with little gardens, dogs and cats, happy kids, and he and I have a nice friendship. We fish together and garden together...he used to be a thug type, now he piddles in a garden...His old friends from his youth wouldn't recognize him... I've changed too.
I think I've come to settle with him simply being home every night over true intimacy and sobriety...He brought that up once..."Well, at least I'm home every night"...And for that I'm thankful. I'm starting to really think he drinks to deaden the impulses in his mind. He used to never be home at night when we first married. He always had to go. I don't think he can just sit. Lol, except when he's watching the news. He is very obsessed with that and won't budge for hours watching it. Here I go talking about him again
I just have so much hope. I do realize this can all be taken away, and I also know that it can get better. I want to try. I know we'll never be truly perfect.
My hope is that we can get help together, but I don't know that he would go for it, since he doesn't see any problem...though, I think he knows there is a problem. If things stay this way or get worse, though, I can see me leaving with the kids. Sometimes I get so mad and I actually hope I'll get sick or something and he'll want to take care of me for once. I want him to see me, and the only way I can get him to is to dying or something. So yeah, I wouldn't want to live like this forever. Who could?
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I am not trying to gain sympathy, but it is really sad. I feel like I'm literally naked sometimes. How long can people go without being touched? He seems to prefer it this way. I haven't been really hugged or kissed in a looooong time. I'm laughing as I write this, but I think it's because I'm going bonkers.
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Please don't convince yourself that living with an alcoholic has no effect on your children. Whether they 'see' him drinking or not, the alcoholic's behavior is not that of a present, devoted, caring parent and there can be devastating short and long term effects on hem and their future relationships. I know because I grew up with an alcoholic parent, and I didn't "know" it until I was about 19, but by then I had learned all the codependent and unhealthy traits many Adult Children of Alcoholics share.
Stop worrying about whether or not you are giving him permission to drink. He will drink whether you accept it or not. You are not responsible for his drinking. Or his happiness. And he isn't responsible for yours.
There is a lot of great experience, strength, and hope here in this forum. I hope you will read as many of the Sticky posts and other threads as you can and learn all about alcoholism and it's effects on those who love them.
Stop worrying about whether or not you are giving him permission to drink. He will drink whether you accept it or not. You are not responsible for his drinking. Or his happiness. And he isn't responsible for yours.
There is a lot of great experience, strength, and hope here in this forum. I hope you will read as many of the Sticky posts and other threads as you can and learn all about alcoholism and it's effects on those who love them.
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Join Date: Jan 2013
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ok it's 3, check .....put beer in fridge, check check
One thing I have been guilty of is not expressing my true feelings to my EXAG. For me it was mostly the passive aggressive type of communication. While I know I couldn't have stopped her from drinking, I think if I made more legitimate attempts to let her know how I felt about things I perhaps wouldn't feel some of the guilt that I sometimes feel.
Disclaimer: Even if you get across how you feel, he may or may not change. I would tell him to put the f'in beer in the fridge himself. By complying you are telling him it is ok, even without the words.
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I know my son was affected by living with his alcoholic father, my AXH, and he was 3 when I left AXH for good. Kids are aware of so much more than we give then credit for. They know if mom and dad are disagreeing, even if the voices are quiet, conversations held in another room, or after they are put to bed. They generally can tell when a parent has had a few to drink. They are aware that dad has to 'unwind' after a tough day at work, and the only way he wants to do that is drink one, or two, or.... They know when he spends the night on the couch in silence or in the bathroom.
This following is so.... degrading, horrifying. Either you're not enough for him to want to be with unless he's had a few, or I don't know.... He's pimping himself out for 3 beers. I'm not sure I'd want to be with a guy who thought so little of himself to do that.
If one of your kids were to come to you when they're an adult and tell you their SO said that to them, what would you tell them? Would your instinct be to tell them 'That is love! You are so lucky to have found a love like that!' ?
Detaching from his drinking is one thing, but unacceptable behavior is just unacceptable. Drinking doesn't make a person become what he's not, or make him do things he doesn't want to do. It just gives them something to blame it on, an excuse to do whatever they felt like doing.
There is so much more to a fulfilling relationship than both people being home each night. Some roommates do that too, but don't ever even become friends. It's up to you to decide if you want to live like this, just how things are today. There are no guarantees that he'll suddenly decide to stop drinking, or to start participating fully in his family's life. It's easier to stick with the status quo rather than put in the hard work a relationship requires. Alcoholics generally aren't able to put in that work when they're searching for the next drink, of figuring out where to hide the next empties.
This following is so.... degrading, horrifying. Either you're not enough for him to want to be with unless he's had a few, or I don't know.... He's pimping himself out for 3 beers. I'm not sure I'd want to be with a guy who thought so little of himself to do that.
Originally Posted by maggie3 
My husband has been talking about beer daily. He seems like he's joking. He'll laugh and say that he'll have sex with me if I let him have a beer. He says that for every 3 beers I let him have, he will have sex with me once. He was sucking up to me big time yesterday, and for the first time in a long time, he initiated sex. A half hour later, he's hinting that he deserves a beer. My heart sank.
Originally Posted by maggie3
Should I detach from the other behaviors? I don't think that's healthy. It hurts that he is so content with never moving forward or being happy simply being with me. He can't do it without drinking.
There is so much more to a fulfilling relationship than both people being home each night. Some roommates do that too, but don't ever even become friends. It's up to you to decide if you want to live like this, just how things are today. There are no guarantees that he'll suddenly decide to stop drinking, or to start participating fully in his family's life. It's easier to stick with the status quo rather than put in the hard work a relationship requires. Alcoholics generally aren't able to put in that work when they're searching for the next drink, of figuring out where to hide the next empties.
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Thanks for the advice everyone. I did tell him to put them in the fridge himself if he chooses. He is definitely making light of it because I think he feels guilty...he probably will end up drinking again. He'll hide it or just buy more...he knows exactly how I feel. He always makes jokes about the things he does wrong...and I have been passive aggressive with my feelings, too - I want him to just know what I'm thinking and feeling all the time. I don't do that anymore, though.
I do know that it will affect them. At this point, it's financially damaging. I do admit there have been many nights where he sends them to bed early...or I do...I don't want them around when he drinks. He doesn't yell or hurt anyone, but I know that him distancing himself from them is just as hurtful. I feel it too. His punishments are bizarre, too. Never any hitting, but sort of inconsistent. He gives up a lot and lets them do whatever they like...until he can't hear the tv anymore, then he screams...he doesn't like to get up once he's home. I'd like him to help with discipline more, but I feel I have to correct him when he does it. Standing back and watching, I can see it's dysfunctional.
And I do think I have a very codependent personality. The kids take advantage of that. Drinking or not, I can admit that they are learning this bizarre form of cohabitation we've created. Yeah, mom and dad are friends. They may never learn intimacy. We certainly don't model it. Dad drinks beer every night and ignores mom. They'll never know how to have a healthy marriage as far as intimacy goes. They could fall to alcohol problems, too.
I'm going to stop worrying about him. I'm going to focus on me and the kids more. If he wants to join us, he can. If he remains stagnant in his misery, then I guess we'll have to move on. I hope it doesn't come to that.
I remember a time when we were mad for each other :/ Or maybe we were just mad.
I do know that it will affect them. At this point, it's financially damaging. I do admit there have been many nights where he sends them to bed early...or I do...I don't want them around when he drinks. He doesn't yell or hurt anyone, but I know that him distancing himself from them is just as hurtful. I feel it too. His punishments are bizarre, too. Never any hitting, but sort of inconsistent. He gives up a lot and lets them do whatever they like...until he can't hear the tv anymore, then he screams...he doesn't like to get up once he's home. I'd like him to help with discipline more, but I feel I have to correct him when he does it. Standing back and watching, I can see it's dysfunctional.
And I do think I have a very codependent personality. The kids take advantage of that. Drinking or not, I can admit that they are learning this bizarre form of cohabitation we've created. Yeah, mom and dad are friends. They may never learn intimacy. We certainly don't model it. Dad drinks beer every night and ignores mom. They'll never know how to have a healthy marriage as far as intimacy goes. They could fall to alcohol problems, too.
I'm going to stop worrying about him. I'm going to focus on me and the kids more. If he wants to join us, he can. If he remains stagnant in his misery, then I guess we'll have to move on. I hope it doesn't come to that.
I remember a time when we were mad for each other :/ Or maybe we were just mad.
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Alaska
Posts: 2,913
I also know that when I was with AXH, I spent a lot of time worrying about him, his drinking, his health, his behavior. I never neglected DS, but it was rare that he had 100% of my attention. Attention on feeding DS, radar up is AXH getting up to get another beer? Bathing DS, how quick do I need to be before AXH comes down the hall mumbling he NEEDS the bathroom RIGHT NOW. Dressing DS to drop him at daycare before heading to work, worrying that AXH is still drunk from his especially hard day yesterday. Singing DS to sleep, listening for footsteps back to the fridge...
Yes, DS was affected by his father's drinking, but he was also affected by my worries about it, my fears, my sadness.
Yes, DS was affected by his father's drinking, but he was also affected by my worries about it, my fears, my sadness.
Recovering ostrich
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Tampa Bay, Florida
Posts: 2,551
I don't think leaving is running away, per se, if done correctly it is setting boundaries and fulfilling consequences.
He sounds like an addict, maybe at the moment it is alcohol but it could be anything. Maybe talk to him, tell him where you stand on being treated because you deserve to be treated well.
He sounds like an addict, maybe at the moment it is alcohol but it could be anything. Maybe talk to him, tell him where you stand on being treated because you deserve to be treated well.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 10
I would tell my kids to run if they told me what I've said here today. Run fast. Take my car.
He's not to a point where he's completely detached from the kids...he goes to the concerts, appointments, etc. I fear it coming, though. He is almost completely detached from me, though. This may be a huge part of the problem. I'll never really know. He'll never be honest with me about anything. He wants to do what he wants to do. He's getting better at hiding things, too. I've been just waiting for the exact moment when I can decide, yeah, he's an alcoholic...he's always had addiction problems and personality problems...but my personality isn't shining either, so I've let a lot go. The credit card thing killed me, though. I should have made him leave after that. I just felt sorry for him. Even though he lied for a long time about it. I knew something was up, and he just kept lying. I don't know if I can say he's an alcoholic. He's certainly a heavy drinker and he's destroying his stomach and intimate life. What else would I call it.
I am starting to feel like his mother or something. I don't work outside the home, so I don't take care of him completely...but when he's home I'm buzzing around him like an idiot making sure his dinner is good, asking if he feels okay, having him pick out a show to watch...and it's not like I'm doing so very much for him...it's that I've started thinking about if he's okay nonstop. Even when he's at work...I am starting to scare me...obviously codependent.
He's not to a point where he's completely detached from the kids...he goes to the concerts, appointments, etc. I fear it coming, though. He is almost completely detached from me, though. This may be a huge part of the problem. I'll never really know. He'll never be honest with me about anything. He wants to do what he wants to do. He's getting better at hiding things, too. I've been just waiting for the exact moment when I can decide, yeah, he's an alcoholic...he's always had addiction problems and personality problems...but my personality isn't shining either, so I've let a lot go. The credit card thing killed me, though. I should have made him leave after that. I just felt sorry for him. Even though he lied for a long time about it. I knew something was up, and he just kept lying. I don't know if I can say he's an alcoholic. He's certainly a heavy drinker and he's destroying his stomach and intimate life. What else would I call it.
I am starting to feel like his mother or something. I don't work outside the home, so I don't take care of him completely...but when he's home I'm buzzing around him like an idiot making sure his dinner is good, asking if he feels okay, having him pick out a show to watch...and it's not like I'm doing so very much for him...it's that I've started thinking about if he's okay nonstop. Even when he's at work...I am starting to scare me...obviously codependent.
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 10
ugh, i guess i just need to calm down, stop thinking about him and find myself somewhere in all this...and be honest with myself...first step - admit my name isn't really maggie, lol. second step - breathe. i haven't done that yet today.
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Alaska
Posts: 2,913
It's never easy, Maggie. And no decisions are needed right now. You have time to think. Whether or not he's an alcoholic may or may not be a deciding factor in your ponderings. People stay in or leave relationships for so many reasons.
You've brought it up a couple times. I'd hazard a guess that even if you had a job outside the home, there'd be issues with finances and hard days requiring unwinding on his part. Being a SAHM is work. It's a lot of work. And if you were working outside the house, there'd likely be other expenses to offset the income, daycare for younger kids would be a huge one.
You've brought it up a couple times. I'd hazard a guess that even if you had a job outside the home, there'd be issues with finances and hard days requiring unwinding on his part. Being a SAHM is work. It's a lot of work. And if you were working outside the house, there'd likely be other expenses to offset the income, daycare for younger kids would be a huge one.
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 10
theuncertainty - i will give it time. and yes, when i worked full time and went to college, we still had troubles. daycare was a huge burden. not a single one of my employers respected that i had kids. and i understand that. they have a business to run...and having 5 children getting sick at the same time, passing around germs to each other, is no benefit to them. that's why i decided to hang around here until the kids get older. i still do a bit of work here to help financially. and i think he probably would still want to unwind :/ i guess the guilt for my staying home belongs to me only. It is my fault I feel that way, and it's silly.
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