Avalon393

I am sorry if I sound like a broken record, this is just one of the hardest things I have ever been through and it really helps to write it all down here and get input. Just found out my exabf is on a dating website yesterday afternoon. So hurt I sent him a million angry texts till he told me to grow up and stop. (I tried to block texts both ways apparently it didn't work, stupid I know.) I then went out with a gf for the first time and just felt like I was so aged and had so much baggage I just couldn't be happy. Follow that up with the constant/ every night dreams that him and I are back together. And I'm just miserable this morning. He is so calm, collected an manupulative that I have such a hard time blaming this on his drinking and keep blaming myself. Did I let myself go? Was I that much of a burden to his life? Was I just that boring and no fun to be around? Why am I being replaced so quickly? And easily? I just don't get how someone can beg for me back in sobriety and than decide a year later that I'm no longer good enough and leave me with absolutely no emotion or remorse? I miss my dog & I can't relax when I'm single. I get so ancy and feel like I have to fill that void immediately even when I'm not ready. Nothing feels right. Relaxing at home or going out. I just feel awful.

dandylion

Dear Avalon, do you remember the bad times during the relationship (and breakup)?

If you want to feel better? Write down a description of as many of the very worst, most painful times. Every time you miss him--read it again. Dozens of times, if necessary. We tend to forget this when we start "missing" them. The truth is--he treated you like dirt and then kicked you in the gut (symbolically). Is this really what you are worth? And what about what the children h ave gone through?

Stay busy-busy-busy. Doing anything. Force yourself, if you don't feel like it!! Just do it.

These two tings helped me more than anything.

Crying is o.k.---even helpful. Normal part of the grieving process.

This is going to pass. Living with an addict--the pain NEVER goes away--it just gets worse.

dandylion

*****He didn't love you--nor is he going to love anyone else i n the future. Alcohol/drugs are his love--his first priority. He doesn't even love himself.

AnvilheadII

this sounds a lot like the Bargaining stage of Grief....IF ONLY HAD done something different, I could have changed the outcome.

the cold hard fact is it's over. whatever the "reasons" may be, it's still over. and that can take some time to ACCEPT. time takes time, Avalon. things change, people grow apart, everyone has their own path to follow. learn not to hold on so tightly to others, and allow them to follow wherever their path leads them....you have your own path, your own journey.

DreamsofSerenity

Avalon,

I'm sorry you are feeling so sad.

I agree with everything Dandylion told you. Force yourself to keep busy; it will help you. And it's okay to cry and let it all out. My most terrible weeks of grieving for my XA were a roller coaster ride of weeping, feeling great relief from experiencing my emotions, feeling okay, feeling sad again, weeping, and so on and so forth, until finally it passed. I think allowing myself to cry and be sad was instrumental in my healing. All of the pain will do a lot of damage if pent up inside you.

I also agree that your X isn't going to love any new woman. I used to imagine my X with a new woman, totally sober, happy, and in love. It was how I continued to punish myself because he wasn't around to do it anymore. Realistically you should pity any woman who dates your X. You just need to adjust your thinking a bit.

Everyone on SR is here for you!

Hugs.

marie1960

IMHO, you are looking to another for your happiness.

Presently, you are hurting and that is very understandable.

Break-ups are rough, no matter the circumstance. I had to relearn how to be comfortable in my own skin. Like you, I was quite miserable. It felt like I was hit by a bus.

I had to force myself to do good healthy things for myself. Everyday I would wake up and tell myself, "I choose me" and go through the motions of putting on a happy face, struggling and stumbling along the way.

With time, and distance, acceptance slowly arrived. I could accept the fact that it was over, he had nothing to offer, it was a live changing lesson that I never want to repeat.

You can take your power back. You can choose to go forward, but first we surrender the fantasy of our "what if" and the happily ever after and look at it in it's present state. If you met him today, knowing what you now know, would you choose to be involved with him????

You matter, time to start rebuilding your life, hope you choose to get out and enjoy the weekend.

Tuffgirl

God help the poor unsuspecting women on that dating website!

Reframe this whole scenario in your head. First of all - you knew back in January that things were not going well. You knew you took a chance and I am sure somewhere deep down inside you knew the odds were not good. But you made the decision, went forward, and now it didn't work out.

You can either blame yourself and make yourself sick over it, or stand back, be proud you took a chance, be relieved it didn't drag out another 4 years with a couple kids in the picture but went south quickly, be thankful he flew his true colors one more time as a good reminder for you that this guy is not a good man for you, and focus now on rebuilding your life in a new, positive direction.

Santa

That's the way I would look at it too. A week after my former jealous, controlling AH moved out (doing me the biggest favor he ever did me in my life), he was on match dot com lining up dates. This is the man who when drunk routinely accused me of cheating on him, which I never did in 20 years, mainly so that I could look my children in their eyes.

He soon had a girlfriend from the dating website and was contacting me bragging after 2 weeks that she wanted to marry him. (Hmm sounds like a real adult relationship.) Needless to say that went south after she called the cops on him several weeks later.

Next GF from the dating website was also a drinker. They got on like a house afire, she even moved in with him, with her 13-year-old son (a nice kid for whom I felt absolute pity). Couple months later AH suddently announces "I'm single" and wants to know if I'd like to date him. Gee, thanks but no thanks.

Pity for these women is appropriate, not envy!

brokenrose

Oh Avalon, I feel for you I really do....I remember those first couple of weeks and months: I know how much it hurts, you go from blaming him to blaming yourself over and over....just remember the feelings are temporary. I remember not wanting to get out of bed, not dealing well with the students at school and the first time I went to a bar with my friends, God I felt so out of touch. I am now 40 and felt so out of place and I wanted to crawl under a rock......how can I say this simply? It sucks, I know but it gets better. Just stay away from him and anybody that can give you info about him. I learned 2 months later he had a new gf and it sent me reeling.Trust me its been almost 6 months for me and I gained my life back....I have zero contact with him or anybody else that knows him: and eventually I got on match.com started meeting new people and little by little I got over him. You have to go through the grief and trust in yourself....re-gain your confidence and realise it would not have been the life you wanted....you deserve better avalon you really do, we all do. Feel free to pm me. Take care am thinking of you. Hugs.

Sally3127

You need to learn to love yourself. There is nothing wrong with being single and this is a good time for you to learn to become your own person. I am sure you have some very good qualities and have a lot going for you. Don't waste your time on the past. It is time to move on. Go back to Alanon. It is a wonderful program and I guarantee you that you will make some new friends. There is so much to life. Don't waste it on someone who doesn't love you. I hope I'm not being too hard. It is just that I have been there. Work on yourself. And, if you can, go get another dog. There are so many dogs needing loving homes. Good luck.

mattmathews

In Al-anon they say: "We'll love you until you can learn to love yourself." Learning to love ourselves is such a huge challenge, but so worth the effort.

How do we know we're getting better? When we can be "alone" without being "lonely." When we can love, and expect nothing in return.

It's not easy, and I know what it's like to feel unloved and unlovable. For me, it was a sick, angry, anxious twisting feeling in my gut. But it can get better. I get that feeling so rarely now that when I do get it, I actually recognize it and say: "Hey, I really feel crappy. I need to work through this." And that's pretty cool.

Hopeworks

Avalon,

The person you are looking for, the person you really need to connect with is yourself! The journey from this trying, difficult time to one of peace, joy and serenity as a single person is one step, one day at a time.

I have been where you are and it takes time to heal... are you ready to heal? When we shed a toxic person or a relationship that is the first step... then we have to take care of ourselves, develop our own recovery and growth program/lifestyle to insure we make healthy choices in the future.

I can tell you that I am happier than I have ever been in my entire life... and I am old! lol... so don't feed those negative feelings and emotions... positive self talk!

Katiekate

Avalon, your x a bf is still in active addiction.

He decided to choose addiction over you, he will choose addiciton over anyone else as well.

It has nothing to do with you.

Avalon393

I just am so scared of being lonely my whole life. I'm only 23 yet all of my friends are getting married and having kids. My mom and aunt who I live with both got married at 19-20 years old. My aunts only three years older than me with a wonderful husband and 2 kids. It's so hard living here and seeing 2 happy families and being alone. That's why I only lived here for a month before moving in with my ex. I was single for 2 years before than and fine but just felt a little inadequate. but now after a year of playing house I just feel like a failure. I miss our routines, and date nights. Having someone to talk to always, who loves me for me. I'm just lost. And the thought of him bringing someone else in what was our bed, with our dog. The bathroom I decorated, garden I planted. It just makes me sick.

Florence

You're 23? Hell. If I was 23, childless, and single, i would be in school, partying, meeting people, looking hot, getting laid, traveling, and marriage wouldn't be even near my agenda. Take it from me, if I had to do it all over, I wouldn't think of marriage until I was over thirty.

What are your personal goals? What do you want in life? Whatever you do, these things must be accessible to you REGARDLESS of whether you're in a romantic relationship. If you don't know, or if these things aren't accessible to you, something is wrong with the relationship.

NYCDoglvr

This is codependency. What would help the most is going to Alanon, getting a sponsor and doing the steps. Also, acknowledge your part in your misery: sounds like you're tracking him on a dating website. Don't want to dream about him? Before going to sleep say out loud: "If I dream about ______I will wake up immediately". Then go to sleep. It works.

You're still making the focus him but he's no longer the issue. We have to work hard to heal as well and having someone live rent-free in our heads is torture. If you start to feel nuts go outside and take a long fast walk. It clears the head.

Florence

And speaking from personal experience, if you've got a hole in your soul, unresolved pain and heartbreak in your life, self-esteem issues, no relationship will ever fill it.