jscorpio

I've been doing pretty well. Today I'm feeling kind of fuzzy, depressed, anxious, and emotional. I think I'm starting to actually feel again. I am recently divorced and feel like I need to write my ex wife a letter and apologize for not being a better husband. Although I know that drinking wasn't the only thing that destroyed our marriage, alcohol made me unavailable to her and my son. I could only focus on me and my next drink. I never grew emotionally in the marriage because I was always burying myself in alcohol and self loathing. In hindsight I now see that she was trying to reach out to me and I blew it off and opened another beer. In the end she sought out other people and started sneaking around behind my back and lying to me. When it ended I blamed her and harbored a lot of resentment. The breakup was really hard on me. It was easier for her because she already had a support system in place. She was my whole world and I was left pretty much alone to deal with everything. It has taken some time for me to accept that I was the one that ruined the marriage. I took advantage of her and didn't let here get close to me so I didn't take care of her needs. I still love her and miss her and my home and my son and even my dog. I guess I got what I deserved. I know more feelings like this will come up as I progress through sobriety. Anyway I just needed to get this off my chest. I could have easily drank today, but have managed to not drown my sorrows in booze. Thanks for listening.

least

Early recovery is a time of emotional ups and downs as our bodies and brains are getting back to normal functioning.

Don't let yourself stew in regret, it's not good for your soul. Forgive yourself and continue to move forward. Your life isn't over, even tho it feels that way.

Anna

I think it's normal to go through emotions like that, as you move on in your recovery. There was a lot that I was in denial about while I was drinking and I had to face it when I stopped. Some days are hard, but you did great getting through this.

Hevyn

I'm sorry you're hurting, jscorpio. That's a very familiar story I'm afraid.

I had a hard time as the feelings began to surface. It was painful to face what I'd put people through. I knew in my heart the 'real me' wouldn't have been so thoughtless and selfish, but the drinking me was a totally different person. I never knew how to explain that to the people in my life who were so confused by my behavior. I'm glad you came here to discuss this - with people who really understand. It will get better.

Richierich777

Write her and your son a letter mail it. No emails. I think that would be nice

SereneEdition

Sounds like you are making strong progress in your healing - both in feeling and in ways of working through what your feeling without self inflicting damage.

Best to you

Sonic9

I too lost my wife through drink , I like your post , you are not alone in feeling how you do.

deeker

Alcohol and drugs were my whole world. It wasn't until I lost the love of my hubby and son did I realize that they should have been my whole world.

Sorry you are sad, but you know what? Good stuff happens when you do the next right thing. Hubby forgave me and so did son. We are a family again.
Get well for yourself right now and realize that our families have heard our I am sorry's and empty promises to many times and we really wore them out.

What they need to see is consistent change on our parts. God Bless you! make a living amends.

jscorpio

Thanks all for responding