mrschoices

...so hard on ourselves?

And what do you do about it?

AnvilheadII

oddly enough a lot of it is our EGO...where we believe if we JUST try harder, do the right thing, say the words in the perfect combination, we can cause them to change. we can make them stop drinking, hell we can make them WANT to stop drinking. or we can make them stop being such a jackass. or irresponsible. we can CURE what ails them.

and so we ramp up our efforts in this quest...we are relentless and driven to the point of madness. we falsely believe we can control outcomes. it's fruitless and exhausting, but that usually doesn't stop us. not until we are flat done wore out.

Step One is about accepting that which we cannot control.
God, grant me the Serenity to Accept the things I cannot change. (Others)

Step Two is about realigning to our true path.
The Courage to change the things I can. (Me)

Step Three is about seeking guidance from a power GREATER than ourselves, a higher good, the bigger picture.
And the Wisdom to know the difference.

mrschoices

Thanks. Great answer. I really like the way you outlined the steps per Alanon understanding.

Some information came to me today in meditation.
Guilt which finishing amends helps with.
Needless guilt from childhood.
And other things around guilt.

Hiding who we are.

Perfectionism.

Being kind to and forgiving ourselves.

LifeRecovery

For me though ego played a part in it, it was more about ingrained patterns that I had learned as a little kid.

Codependency was rampant in my FOO and I latched on to it as normal. I did all the people pleasing I could and really thought I needed to sacrifice myself for another. Was there an element of control, heck yeah, but at the time I really was just trying to tread water and stay afloat. This weekend I am learning about shame in a training, and holy hoot this emotion is powerful stuff and can really keep us stuck for a long time. I often use the word guilt when I actually mean shame.

It was only after marrying someone with addiction (and living with one myself) that I got to look at these patterns, and do something about them.

Recovery helped, reading, therapy, Al-Anon etc.

CeciliaV

For me, it's largely upbringing but also genetics...I come from a long line of perfectionist codie worriers, and I studied under a master (thanks, mom!). I inherited a lot of good things from her - odd sense of humor, my smarts - but I also inherited and learned some less good things from her & from how my family functioned. I'm doing what I can to relieve myself of these self-imposed burdens - reading, learning, meetings, and finally getting my arse to a doc/therapist to work through all this muck.

LifeRecovery

I don't have a sister CecilaV but it sounds like we are sisters from different mothers.

I am grateful in the mix of what "she" gave me that there was a persistance in working things through....it got me into (and kept me in my recovery journey).