Elisabeth888

One things I am learning in sobriety: my spouse gets on my nerves. I think I was drinking to escape before and now I am just having to cope with it. I am going to talk to my therapist about it and also my sponsor, but he is crowding me.

I don't know if it is because he missed me from when I was drunk, or if I am just weird and need more personal time, but I have to address it somehow.

Maybe I am changing? I have actually pondered a divorce. Not seriously, but I have thought about it. I want to feel close again. But I don't now.

Anyone go through this?

Edit to say I think I need a meeting and I am going to one at noon

Grymt

Yes.
Change is inherent in all things.

SomethingBetter

I can relate, I love my wife dearly but I do tend to spend a lot of time alone now, not only that, my friends and my job, I need my space there too.

Elisabeth888

I wonder why that is. Maybe we are busy reflecting? I guess we should be careful not to isolate. I love my meetings though, because I identify with people there. Just like here.

instant

I have found that there is no real place for me in my partners life. She learned to live without me.

Grymt

Perhaps busy seeking now? It is where we are and it is where reality is. Seeing reality as it is is a journey.
There are rest stations along the way.
All is good.

Jeni26

We change so much during the first year, it's little wonder our relationships do too.

Early days. Keep doing what you're doing. Stay sober and the rest will fall into place x

Anna

Elisabeth, I was surprised how much things changed too.

I went from someone who never wanted to be alone, to someone who craved and needed 'alone time' on a regular basis. And, I think there is a difference between time spent with oneself relaxing and thinking, and isolating. I seem to a mechanism that kicks in if I am beginning to isolate, so it's okay. Trust that the changes that are happening are part of your recovery and that things will be okay.

Elisabeth888

Anna, it is so hard to trust that things will be okay! I just want to control everything.

I know it is not in my head about my relationship. He wakes up complaining. This morning it was about toilet paper. I am like, give it a rest already! Everything is the end of the world for him. Or at least I see it that way.

I just have to keep reminding myself that I would not even notice these things if I were drunk. These are normal things that normal people deal with. I just need to let them ROLL OFF MY BACK. Thank God I have SR and my meetings or I would be insane.

Lost3000

Oooh, but you can only control yourself.

Give yourself some time, lots of it. Everything does fall in place, but maybe not on your time schedule, and maybe not the way you envision it. Trust, have faith. Keep doing what you are doing. I go to a noon mtg too!

Jeni26

Step 3 Elizabeth xxx

Grymt

Thank you. Wanting to control seems a very common trait. Deeper, it is about not wanting to feel not in control.
There is a leap of faith here, not blind faith, to get trust in perspective.
The only control we have is within our selves.
Therefore we must find trust in our selves.
Faith breeds trust and trust breeds faith.
''Know thyself''

Elisabeth888

I honestly have to try to do step three every day.

Dang this life stuff!!!!

Jeni26

I get where you're coming from, I really do. Me and my H gave up drinking together 10 months ago. A couple of drunks who never confronted any relationship problems as adults....can you imagine the ups and downs we've had?!

Falling out over toilet roll...yep we've done that.

We've had to learn how to resolve issues instead of drinking them away, when to confront, when to let go. Most people learn these skills in their teens, not their 40s!!!

I wouldn't change a thing for the world though. It's part of growing x

Odelle

Hi, I just wanted to share that I too am going through something similar. My husband, bless his heart, can drive me crazy! Drinking helped me to tune him out, initially, but then the little monster inside of me would use that opportunity to verbally tear into him. He is not one that takes criticism well (constructive or otherwise), so the arguments only continued without resolve. He too is a negative person; glass is half-empty kind of guy, and loud! The new sober me is much calmer now; “honey, use your indoor voice, please,” “sorry, my brain is in overload and I really can’t deal with this at the moment, vent away, just don’t expect me to jump in or provide feedback,” “how much coffee did you drink today?” so I guess I am learning how to cope without adding the fuel of alcohol to the flame. Overall, I find the relationship is improving each and every day mainly because I am not reacting. As far as alone time, I guess I am fortunate in that category since he is a workaholic and I have plenty of time to myself. I don’t know what we will do once he retires….I will probably do a lot of volunteer work!

We’ve been married for 30 years with more downs than ups; much to my dismay, I think the majority of the downs were due to me as he doesn’t drink and much of the turmoil in our relationship was due to his frustration with me and my drinking. I do wonder why he even put up with my BS over the years, so I think I owe him the same consideration since his flaws are really minor in comparison to mine!

duane1

How long have you been sober for? Things that were annoying to me back at the 2-5 month mark in sobriety don't seem to bother me as much now at 10 months.

Elisabeth888

Six months. I have been married for almost 12, together for 16.

Odelle

12 months married? Lol...honey, you're still in the honeymoon stage, no wonder he won't leave you alone!

360shoes

Yep. Working on that one too. I read a book about embracing my introvert-ness. Didn't even realize I was one let alone understand it. I'm a big social butterfly but I've found that its about how do you charge your battery. I need my alone time to recharge. Some people recharge off other things. People get on my nerves when I need recharged. So I politely go do what I need to do...by myself. That is so great you are not reacting and participating in the drama. My bf has drove me nuts sometimes to the point of wondering if I need to move on. Then he goes and does something wonderful. I'm taking your advice and just not playing the game with anyone negative or a pain in the a** and doing what I need to do up to the point of not being totally selfish. Life's going to do what it wants. I have no control over anyone's behavior. I just need to keep my nose on my own face and remember to just be compassionate. To others and to me. Who knows what the future holds but it sounds like you are doing the best job possible to put the odds in your favor of how you would like it to turn out.

Elisabeth888

No, 12 YEARS!!!!!