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Time to quit, again...

Old 04-05-2013, 04:14 AM
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Time to quit, again...

Hi all,

I am an alcoholic. I don't drink every day, I can go weeks without drinking, but once I drink I cannot stop. I drink myself to oblivion, blackout, behave in ways that are not "me", endanger my health and life and feel incredibly shameful, anxious and devastated the day after. I am 31 years old, this has been going on since my early 20s, and it is getting worse with age. It has affected relationships and friendships.

I have tried to drink moderately, have more water, limit the number of drinks I have. The times I've succeeded drinking moderately over these past ten years I can count on one hand.

I feel I cannot experience happiness when sober, I long for that feeling I have after two or three glasses of wine, but it never stops there. I keep trying to convince myself that this time I can stop when I need to, just to be able to experience that feeling of light intoxication. I am aware of some of the reasons why I drink, but it is as if I have amnesia - a week or so after the last hangover I cannot recall how horrible I felt, or I just downplay it. I feel that my mental capacity, memory etc, has been negatively affected in general.

I feel that staying away from alcohol completely might be easier than trying to learn how to drink moderately, it just doesn't work for me.

I am here because I feel there is no one who understands me, everyone I know can drink moderately, and I envy them. I need some practical advice (don't want to do AA as I am not religious), and support when I am feeling weak and in danger of having a drink. Would love to hear recovery stories, how did you do it, can you experience happiness again, what improvements in your lives have you seen?

All the best,
S
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Old 04-05-2013, 04:22 AM
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Thumbs up

Welcome to SRC! i also did not drink Everyday (until the very end) i also could NOT control how MUCH i drank when i would start. i am an Alcoholic.. recovering One day at a time in AA.. (six plus years now)
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Old 04-05-2013, 04:40 AM
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Originally Posted by Sobreia View Post
I feel that staying away from alcohol completely might be easier than trying to learn how to drink moderately, it just doesn't work for me.
This has definitely been the case for me. I've tried dozens of different 'tricks' to drink moderately. They all fail. I am better off not drinking at all.

There are lots of different ways to learn to cope with the urge / craving to drink. I recommend reading around on the forums here. Ask questions. I learned a lot when I did.

Best of luck! Keep posting!
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Old 04-05-2013, 04:42 AM
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Living sober I experience a happiness way beyond what I felt when using. I am an agnostic and attend AA without any problems doing so. For me the religious parts I avoid are the prayers, and I simply don't pray.

You've laid out a progression of drinking that may lead to severe illness.

I would concern myself with stopping drinking instead of reasons not to get help.

I hope that you do not need to experience the tragedies and devastation I had to make me decide to quit drinking.

Best to you and may recovery be speedy.
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Old 04-05-2013, 04:49 AM
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Hi. This sounds a lot like my story. I am the same brand of alcoholic where i wasn't an everyday drinker but once I start I don't stop. My wake up call came when i found out I chugged 3/4 of a solo cup of tequila during a black out. I can't imagine what my bac was and I don't want to die.

Welcome to SR. I found this place two months ago and it has helped me immensely. People here understand you and it is an amazing place.

I recommend joining the April class, it's a thread for people quiting this month. I am also non religious and not into AA. My feb class has been my rock through this whole process and fulfills the need to share stories and be held accountable by a group of people.

That's how I did it. Frequent check ins with my feb group, avoiding being around alcohol and alcohol social situations as much as possible, learning about alcoholism through documentaries and books, and setting a strict boundary- I don't drink ever again no matter what.

Good luck!
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Old 04-05-2013, 05:09 AM
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That sounds just exactly like my story. Except I did begin drinking almost every 4th or 5th day as the disease progressed. But the blackouts ,feelings of shame and remorse, all the same as yours.

I had been drinking for so many years, when I finally did attempt sobriety, I felt much like you do now. About how when I was sober, I wasn't happy. The truth of that for me is that I numbed myself so long, I didn't remember what normal felt like, was.

I'm beginning my sober journey once again too. I tried to moderate as well. It never worked for me. Since I had almost 2 months or so on last try, a lot improved. My health 1st, my relationships even tho still not as they should be, by my being sober I was able to deal with them better.

I've been using AA on occasion. Trying other methods here as well. This is a great place for support and advice. I hope you continue to want alcohol out of your life. The little bit of sober time I had was so much better then all the years I wasted being drunk. Good luck 2 you, and welcome!
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Old 04-05-2013, 05:11 AM
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Thank you all so very much for your kind replies, I really appreciate it.

Melissa: Thank you for the recommendation of the April group, I will definitely join. Well done for quitting. I decided to quit on Wednesday, when I woke up and didn't remember how I made it back home and into my bed. The last thing I remember is having a drink in a bar, on my own, when I was supposed to walk back home after dinner with a friend. I feel my drunk person and sober person are two different individuals, and even though I am never aggressive (only self destructive), I feel a lot of shame. The worst thing is not remembering and being completely out of control. I am grateful I am still alive, could easily be hit by a car or drink myself to death as I don't stop until I pass out. I wish you all the best and I hope we can stay in touch.

Wiscsober: Thank you for the encouragement, I am very happy to hear you experience happiness when sober. I am currently looking into CBT therapy, to treat underlying issues as well, but have heard good things about AA and will consider this option too. All the best to you and do stay in touch!

Nonsensical and 24hrsaday: Thank you for your encouragement. I think quitting completely is my only option. I feel I've reached a point where I've run out of options, and fear for my wellbeing and my social and professional life. One day at a time,.. Best of luck and stay in touch!
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Old 04-05-2013, 05:15 AM
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I too tried moderation many times and decided I couldn't do it. Quitting is easier than moderation. See my sig line.

I stopped primarily with AA (no religion required, lots of atheists in AA) but I also use this forum and a lot of the concepts in AVRT make a lot of sense to me.
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Old 04-05-2013, 05:16 AM
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for me, stopping entirely is WAY easier than trying to figure out how to moderate. Getting to the point of giving up was a long, hard road though. I hope you find the right support to help you stay stopped.....loads of great, caring people here.

Good luck!
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Old 04-05-2013, 05:17 AM
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Raja: Thank you for your kind comment and encouragement. It appears we have a very similar experience with alcohol. I also feel that I have numbed myself, can't experience happiness, sadness or love in the same way I used to. I think for me alcohol is an escape, from low self esteem, the high demands I put on myself, social anxiety... There are other reasons too, both my parents have had/have complex relationships to alcohol and when I was younger I had to deal with my mom when she lost control and binge drank. It is not until now that I am starting to really put these things together, having avoided to face up to the severity of my problem for too long. I want to understand why I drink this way, not to find excuses but to be able to be responsible, kinder to myself and to quit once and for all. I wish you all the best, stay in touch
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Old 04-05-2013, 05:24 AM
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Hey...you are not alone. We sound just alike. I too keep looking just for that buzzed feeling. I am 30 will be 31 in July. Alcoholism really hit hard around 10 years ago for me too. I will PM you what I have just discovered. Later
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Old 04-05-2013, 05:25 AM
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Taking5 and Coraltint: Thank you both for your kind words and encouragement. Even if it scares me a little I feel relief thinking about complete sobriety rather than the constant worry and obsession I would have with alcohol when, unsuccessfully, trying moderation. I can't attend any social occasion without feeling anxious about alcohol, wanting to drink, allowing myself to drink, while knowing deep down any enjoyment I experience will be destroyed in the end and I will wake up anxious, if lucky in my own bed... Lately I started drinking on my own, calling up friends or, in the worst cases, a man I am interested in, just to wake up and check my call list in panic not remembering anything I said. I feel I have many things I should be grateful for, that if I managed to be sober I could lead a good life, but it is as if I am trying to sabotage for myself. Sorry for the long reply, once I've started talking about this it all seems to come at once. I wish you both all the best, stay in touch!
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Old 04-05-2013, 05:26 AM
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Taking5 and Coraltint: Really like your quotes!
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Old 04-05-2013, 05:26 AM
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AshleyNickel: Thank you for getting in touch, I really appreciate it. I look forward to discuss this more. All the best to you
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Old 04-05-2013, 05:35 AM
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Originally Posted by melissa6381 View Post
Hi. This sounds a lot like my story. I am the same brand of alcoholic where i wasn't an everyday drinker but once I start I don't stop. My wake up call came when i found out I chugged 3/4 of a solo cup of tequila during a black out. I can't imagine what my bac was and I don't want to die.

Welcome to SR. I found this place two months ago and it has helped me immensely. People here understand you and it is an amazing place.

I recommend joining the April class, it's a thread for people quiting this month. I am also non religious and not into AA. My feb class has been my rock through this whole process and fulfills the need to share stories and be held accountable by a group of people.

That's how I did it. Frequent check ins with my feb group, avoiding being around alcohol and alcohol social situations as much as possible, learning about alcoholism through documentaries and books, and setting a strict boundary- I don't drink ever again no matter what.

Good luck!
Melissa: Where do I find the April class?
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Old 04-05-2013, 05:40 AM
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Hi!

I have relapsed a lot, and now I have six months and here is what I think has kept me sober: sitting down and journaling and really thinking about what alcohol has done to my life EACH time I drank it. Did it ever HELP me? A big fat NO. Each time I drank, it set in motion a vicious cycle of more drinking to try to feel better, and it never worked.

So, I stopped. And I will use the corny phrase "one day at a time" because it actually works. Don't think beyond today. Just don't drink today. Make it through one day. You can do it. Stick around.
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Old 04-05-2013, 06:26 AM
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Elisabeth: Thank you for your kind reply and the encouragement. I am happy to hear journaling has helped you. Have you been writing every day, what kind of things do you write in your journal and have you tried to write down past drunken episodes to remind you? I fear to put in print some of the episodes I've had, feeling so ashamed... I wish you all the best, please stay in touch.
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Old 04-05-2013, 01:54 PM
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Originally Posted by Sobreia View Post

Melissa: Where do I find the April class?
I'm using this on my iPhone app but for me it's under the newcomers daily support folder.
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Old 04-05-2013, 02:55 PM
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Sobreia- I'm the same kind of drinker. Sometimes I'd go a couple weeks without a drink and forget about how awful I felt. Then I'd take one drink and it would turn into a 3-4 day binge that left me barely able to move. I'd feel depressed and ashamed at my behavior and that would last a few days or a week and then it's on to the next binge and the cycle kept repeating itself. I just joined this site a few days ago after finally coming to the conclusion that I can't drink in moderation. I just can't. So I finally decided I needed to stop entirely and came here. I only have 4 days of sobriety, but I know I can keep it up and that my life will be much better if I do. I think you can do it too and your life will improve as well. Good luck!
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Old 04-05-2013, 04:09 PM
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Hi Sobreia

the April thread is actually in this forum too:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...2013-a-12.html

If you're into secular recovery I can recommend our I recommend you visit the Secular Connections forum as well

D
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