Experience with sharing the problem with people we work with.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: salt Lake
Posts: 488
Experience with sharing the problem with people we work with.
Hi Everyone,
I would love some advice on this one.
A few years back there was major drama at my job. I had a good relationship with my director, but he also had a "good" relationship with one of my employees. This made it impossible for me to be her supervisor as she played right into it. As you can imagine it caused all kinds of drama. It pushed me to drink more which made it even worse.
I liked him very much as a person but his behavior at work was not appropriate and affected everyone in our office. Not that my behavior was much better, drinking and all.
Eventually there were accusations filed against him and an investigation began. Everyone continued working together as the investigation went on. Talk about drama!
I ended up acting if I was on his side but when interviewed I did tell them that I didn't think it was good for him to work in our office. He trusted me and I feel like I went betrayed him. The part that I have always felt bad about is that I pretended with him every day, and as most of us understand I actually created more drama, and actually enjoyed the drama. At that time I know he did not like me at all.
It ended up that he was removed and put in another place in the building. I have seen him in the halls throughout the years a few times and said hi, but never got a response. Recently we had to communicate through email about a work project. I sent my emails with smiley’s and went the extra mile to be noticeably nice. He was somewhat cordial. Anyway the project is over now and I emailed him a thank you. He responded by asking me to join him for coffee on one of my breaks tomorrow. I said I would love that. So tomorrow we will go for coffee.
I am 99% sure that everyone including him is aware that I went to rehab a year ago. I am quite sure he is an alcoholic also. I am so excited to "make amends" and share my experience with him. I love sharing my experience with others, and sometimes I wonder if I just say too much. I am a very trusting person and I can be naive.
He still does some work for our office and my fear is that if I say too much, he may use it against me in some way. Like I said I am 99% sure everyone already knows, but other than one or two others I haven't openly talked about it within the work place.
I would love some advice on this one.
A few years back there was major drama at my job. I had a good relationship with my director, but he also had a "good" relationship with one of my employees. This made it impossible for me to be her supervisor as she played right into it. As you can imagine it caused all kinds of drama. It pushed me to drink more which made it even worse.
I liked him very much as a person but his behavior at work was not appropriate and affected everyone in our office. Not that my behavior was much better, drinking and all.
Eventually there were accusations filed against him and an investigation began. Everyone continued working together as the investigation went on. Talk about drama!
I ended up acting if I was on his side but when interviewed I did tell them that I didn't think it was good for him to work in our office. He trusted me and I feel like I went betrayed him. The part that I have always felt bad about is that I pretended with him every day, and as most of us understand I actually created more drama, and actually enjoyed the drama. At that time I know he did not like me at all.
It ended up that he was removed and put in another place in the building. I have seen him in the halls throughout the years a few times and said hi, but never got a response. Recently we had to communicate through email about a work project. I sent my emails with smiley’s and went the extra mile to be noticeably nice. He was somewhat cordial. Anyway the project is over now and I emailed him a thank you. He responded by asking me to join him for coffee on one of my breaks tomorrow. I said I would love that. So tomorrow we will go for coffee.
I am 99% sure that everyone including him is aware that I went to rehab a year ago. I am quite sure he is an alcoholic also. I am so excited to "make amends" and share my experience with him. I love sharing my experience with others, and sometimes I wonder if I just say too much. I am a very trusting person and I can be naive.
He still does some work for our office and my fear is that if I say too much, he may use it against me in some way. Like I said I am 99% sure everyone already knows, but other than one or two others I haven't openly talked about it within the work place.
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: London
Posts: 1,010
Personally I would proceed with caution. He has behaved inappropriately at work in the past and caused you drama. You may feel bad by what you answered during the investigation but I don't feel amends are necessary. He did what he did, the investigators did what they did and you answered honestly.
My advice is to sit on your hands at coffee. Let him talk and see where the conversation goes. You do not know what his motive is yet and you sound like a lovely open, honest person.
Keep it professional and on topic.
That's my opinion anyway. Perhaps I'm a little over cautious. I am keeping my work life and recovery life completely separate.
Good luck.
S x
Edit to add: if it was a colleague I may think differently, but as he is above you in the management chain he may be more concerned about overturning any decisions that were made during the investigation.
My advice is to sit on your hands at coffee. Let him talk and see where the conversation goes. You do not know what his motive is yet and you sound like a lovely open, honest person.
Keep it professional and on topic.
That's my opinion anyway. Perhaps I'm a little over cautious. I am keeping my work life and recovery life completely separate.
Good luck.
S x
Edit to add: if it was a colleague I may think differently, but as he is above you in the management chain he may be more concerned about overturning any decisions that were made during the investigation.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Sydney, NSW
Posts: 104
Be very careful indeed. It sounds like you are assuming he's an alkie, wants to talk about it and could benefit from your experience. If he is bitter and burnt you may just play right into his hands. The next thing you know is that your alcoholism and time in rehab are spreading like wildfire as gossip. I would proceed with a huge amount of caution.
Let him talk, chat about things. Be very careful indeed about opening yourself up to people in the workplace that you think you can trust or believe in. And yes, I speak from experience.
Let him talk, chat about things. Be very careful indeed about opening yourself up to people in the workplace that you think you can trust or believe in. And yes, I speak from experience.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,380
I agree with caution.
I understand you feel badly about what happened...I'm not sure that necessarily means this is a good guy to buddy up to.
this guy does not sound like someone to confide in PK....if you have fears, I'd listen to them.
Once the genie is out of the bottle you won't get it in again.
D
I understand you feel badly about what happened...I'm not sure that necessarily means this is a good guy to buddy up to.
this guy does not sound like someone to confide in PK....if you have fears, I'd listen to them.
Once the genie is out of the bottle you won't get it in again.
D
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 458
Hi (((Kitty))), That can be a tricky situation. Sharing your experience about alcoholism is a wonderful thing, however I would save those conversations for AA or here and be careful what you say at work. JMHO. I've worked in a corporate environment for a long time and yes what you share can come back to bite you, even with the best intentions.
Keeping it simple!
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Surrey, BC
Posts: 3,282
This is just my opinion but keep your personal life out of the workplace. Once you let one person know, then before you know it everyone knows.
I worked in a very small industry and if I would have told them about my drinking problem you can bet it would be all over the industry. Not just my office, but other companies and so on. People tend to focus on the crap rather than the good things you do.
I've seen people's jobs go down the shi**er and not able to get another job in the industry all because they shared with the wrong person. Don't do it.
Just my 2 cents.
I worked in a very small industry and if I would have told them about my drinking problem you can bet it would be all over the industry. Not just my office, but other companies and so on. People tend to focus on the crap rather than the good things you do.
I've seen people's jobs go down the shi**er and not able to get another job in the industry all because they shared with the wrong person. Don't do it.
Just my 2 cents.
Last edited by Dee74; 04-04-2013 at 04:20 PM.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: California
Posts: 2,643
Kitty, I agree with Sazzle and Deluxe. Meet for coffee but keep the conversation on a professional level. If he brings the subject up, mainly if he admits a problem with alcohol (which I doubt he will) advise him on a professional level; informing him of options available through employee assistance programs, medical and unpaid leaves of absence and defer any further recommendations to HR. Should he ask you about your experience (you have indicated people seem to know), I would be direct and answer that you did seek professional assistance in the past to address some personal matters. End of discussion!
For the record, he may think that you were coming on to him….do not be overly friendly!!! You are a very caring and sensitive person and what you say could be misinterpreted later on and even used against you. As a supervisor, you have to protect not only yourself, but your employer as well. It is a big responsibility, not to be taken lightly, and if you weren’t up to the task, you wouldn’t have been appointed to the position. Believe in yourself, others do!
For the record, he may think that you were coming on to him….do not be overly friendly!!! You are a very caring and sensitive person and what you say could be misinterpreted later on and even used against you. As a supervisor, you have to protect not only yourself, but your employer as well. It is a big responsibility, not to be taken lightly, and if you weren’t up to the task, you wouldn’t have been appointed to the position. Believe in yourself, others do!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: SoCal, California
Posts: 990
I agree with Lady
It's probably best to keep your personal life separate from the work place. If it was me I wouldn't talk about my time in rehab or struggles with alcohol - even if he was to spill the beans about any struggles he might have with addiction.
That is extremely dangerous ground to be on. Who knows where he could be in a couple of years from now - mentally.
My two cents.
It's probably best to keep your personal life separate from the work place. If it was me I wouldn't talk about my time in rehab or struggles with alcohol - even if he was to spill the beans about any struggles he might have with addiction.
That is extremely dangerous ground to be on. Who knows where he could be in a couple of years from now - mentally.
My two cents.
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