In a codependent crisis
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Southwest
Posts: 1,207
In a codependent crisis
Bear with me please. This is long and probably trivial. It will certainly become confusing.
For several years I have had a close friendship with an unmarried man named M. It has never advanced beyond platonic but I have always wished it would. We are friends at church and have many friends in common.
Last fall, I realized that he was dating a woman named W. He kept telling me "we are not dating" but when I met her she introduced herself as his girlfriend and they held hands all night, so I formed my own conclusions.
She was nice and friendly to me and very pretty. A few days later, he sent me an angry email saying that I had insulted her when I met her. With the "stupid things I said to her."
I was horrified that anything I had said insulted her because that is just not how I am.
2 weeks later SHE sent me an email about how she and M had a conversation about me and that I was very rude and offensive and that if I wanted him, I could have him.
M called and asked that I not respond to her. That it would only make her irrational rage worse. That he and she were no longer seeing each other. And that she was moving out of town.
Also that she had one of his computers and had read our several years of correspondence.
I said "good, because I don't want crazy people in my circle. I trust you to take care of this." I have enough crazy already with my XAH and his family. I did not engage with her.
M told me all kinds of things about her. That she has an explosive temper, is overly dramatic, that they are no longer going to see each other. She has moved away.
M has since been very sweet to me. Offering to pick up my children and drive them to sunday school. Stuff like that. Still no social engagement with me. Just kind and pleasant when I see him.
2 months go by. I notice on facebook that she is liking all his posts and she has apparently MOVED BACK to our city.
I asked him if they are seeing each other and he says "occasionally. We are not dating."
I said last time you said that, I realized you define dating differently from anybody else on the planet and that she thought you were her boyfriend.
He said "this is none of your business."
I said it is my business because this EXPLOSIVE, rage-prone individual who is hostile toward me and thinks you are cheating on her with ME has moved back to town, you are "seeing" her, and you conveniently forgot to tell me that she is here now, when you were very deliberate about letting me know she had moved away."
I said "I guess it's only my business when you are broken-up."
He kept saying "we are not dating, we are not involved."
That was 2 days ago. Yesterday he sent an email telling me that she is depressed, suicidal, destitute, no money, no support, and no family. He is trying to help her."
Her Facebook page is all about her new job in my city and going out to the bars in his neighborhood.
I got off Facebook. Deactivated my account completely. It disturbs my serenity.
I have children to raise. I can't handle this teen-aged drama and be a good, attentive mother all at the same time.
Thank God for SR and your emphasis on "Is this what you want for YOU?"
Being with me and my kids is a privilege and that right can be revoked if you're not careful with my information, my feelings, me. I had told him previously that as far as I was concerned, she came into MY LIFE through HIM. And that while he could do what he wanted, I also could assess my relationship (friendship) with HIM.
His life is HIS business. But when I am the target of somebody's jealous rage, I have every right to cut off the contact that gives her access to me, don't I?
I'm sad because I do like him a lot, but I am finding him manipulative and deceitful and I don't need that cr@p and neither do my kids.
For several years I have had a close friendship with an unmarried man named M. It has never advanced beyond platonic but I have always wished it would. We are friends at church and have many friends in common.
Last fall, I realized that he was dating a woman named W. He kept telling me "we are not dating" but when I met her she introduced herself as his girlfriend and they held hands all night, so I formed my own conclusions.
She was nice and friendly to me and very pretty. A few days later, he sent me an angry email saying that I had insulted her when I met her. With the "stupid things I said to her."
I was horrified that anything I had said insulted her because that is just not how I am.
2 weeks later SHE sent me an email about how she and M had a conversation about me and that I was very rude and offensive and that if I wanted him, I could have him.
M called and asked that I not respond to her. That it would only make her irrational rage worse. That he and she were no longer seeing each other. And that she was moving out of town.
Also that she had one of his computers and had read our several years of correspondence.
I said "good, because I don't want crazy people in my circle. I trust you to take care of this." I have enough crazy already with my XAH and his family. I did not engage with her.
M told me all kinds of things about her. That she has an explosive temper, is overly dramatic, that they are no longer going to see each other. She has moved away.
M has since been very sweet to me. Offering to pick up my children and drive them to sunday school. Stuff like that. Still no social engagement with me. Just kind and pleasant when I see him.
2 months go by. I notice on facebook that she is liking all his posts and she has apparently MOVED BACK to our city.
I asked him if they are seeing each other and he says "occasionally. We are not dating."
I said last time you said that, I realized you define dating differently from anybody else on the planet and that she thought you were her boyfriend.
He said "this is none of your business."
I said it is my business because this EXPLOSIVE, rage-prone individual who is hostile toward me and thinks you are cheating on her with ME has moved back to town, you are "seeing" her, and you conveniently forgot to tell me that she is here now, when you were very deliberate about letting me know she had moved away."
I said "I guess it's only my business when you are broken-up."
He kept saying "we are not dating, we are not involved."
That was 2 days ago. Yesterday he sent an email telling me that she is depressed, suicidal, destitute, no money, no support, and no family. He is trying to help her."
Her Facebook page is all about her new job in my city and going out to the bars in his neighborhood.
I got off Facebook. Deactivated my account completely. It disturbs my serenity.
I have children to raise. I can't handle this teen-aged drama and be a good, attentive mother all at the same time.
Thank God for SR and your emphasis on "Is this what you want for YOU?"
Being with me and my kids is a privilege and that right can be revoked if you're not careful with my information, my feelings, me. I had told him previously that as far as I was concerned, she came into MY LIFE through HIM. And that while he could do what he wanted, I also could assess my relationship (friendship) with HIM.
His life is HIS business. But when I am the target of somebody's jealous rage, I have every right to cut off the contact that gives her access to me, don't I?
I'm sad because I do like him a lot, but I am finding him manipulative and deceitful and I don't need that cr@p and neither do my kids.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 2,899
I also could assess my relationship (friendship) with HIM.
I'm sad because I do like him a lot, but I am finding him manipulative and deceitful and I don't need that cr@p and neither do my kids.
At this point in my life, I find myself thinking that not only do I want someone I am excited about, I want to be someone who is excited about being with me.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 566
Well stella, good for you.
In short, I say this: being my friend is a privilege. Having someone as my friend is a privilege. If it's not feeling like that on both sides of the equation then there's a problem.
If it were me, this fellow would be moved from "friend" to "acquaintance" in my mind.
Hang in there: there are a lot of fish in the sea, and not all of them come with those kinds of hooks!
posie
In short, I say this: being my friend is a privilege. Having someone as my friend is a privilege. If it's not feeling like that on both sides of the equation then there's a problem.
If it were me, this fellow would be moved from "friend" to "acquaintance" in my mind.
Hang in there: there are a lot of fish in the sea, and not all of them come with those kinds of hooks!
posie
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Dear Stella, this guy is not a friend---friends do not lie and manipulate you. She is less than that. I would reduce both of them to the "acquaintance" level--nothing more.
If you value yourself and your peace-of-mind,you need to keep this kind of crazyness out of your life.
sincerely, dandylion
If you value yourself and your peace-of-mind,you need to keep this kind of crazyness out of your life.
sincerely, dandylion
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Southwest
Posts: 1,207
thank you. I do feel manipulated. I have NO interest in being even acquaintances with her. I don't wish to see his lying face again.
It creates an issue as we both attend a small church and we're both pretty active there. I am not going this weekend. I am taking the day off. I can make later decisions later.
I did not respond to his email explaining her woeful situation and how he is just trying to help her. Anything I have to say to him would just drag me into a word game and honestly, we don't have a relationship worth salvaging or trying to work out.
Thank you, Dandylion.
It creates an issue as we both attend a small church and we're both pretty active there. I am not going this weekend. I am taking the day off. I can make later decisions later.
I did not respond to his email explaining her woeful situation and how he is just trying to help her. Anything I have to say to him would just drag me into a word game and honestly, we don't have a relationship worth salvaging or trying to work out.
Thank you, Dandylion.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Southwest
Posts: 1,207
I really don't go around trying or wanting to tell people off.
But this man had the nerve to say "I don't know what you're talking about" and "mind your own business" when he and I had countless conversations about this woman's instability at the time they broke up.
Because she had read all of his personal correspondence and gone through his computer.
Because she had explosive rages over God knows what.
Because she quit her job and indulged herself with retail therapy.
He is an ass and to disrespect me and insult my intelligence by acting like I am imagining things and inserting myself into his affairs is ridiculous.
He's the one who allows her access to my life. And I am going no-contact with him.
How dare he treat me like this?
He is not treating me like a friend. Not like someone valuable or important to him. I am clearly just someone who gets in the way of him leading a church life on Sunday mornings and a playboy life the rest of the week.
Well it's HIS life, and he can spend his time however he wishes and with whomever, but I have all the say over what I have to be exposed to.
And what's up with his trying to hide it from me? If we are "just friends", then there's no reason not to fess up.
I keep telling myself that boundaries are for MY benefit, not his, and while there are hundreds of words I would like to say, I believe I will save my wisdom for someone who cares.
But this man had the nerve to say "I don't know what you're talking about" and "mind your own business" when he and I had countless conversations about this woman's instability at the time they broke up.
Because she had read all of his personal correspondence and gone through his computer.
Because she had explosive rages over God knows what.
Because she quit her job and indulged herself with retail therapy.
He is an ass and to disrespect me and insult my intelligence by acting like I am imagining things and inserting myself into his affairs is ridiculous.
He's the one who allows her access to my life. And I am going no-contact with him.
How dare he treat me like this?
He is not treating me like a friend. Not like someone valuable or important to him. I am clearly just someone who gets in the way of him leading a church life on Sunday mornings and a playboy life the rest of the week.
Well it's HIS life, and he can spend his time however he wishes and with whomever, but I have all the say over what I have to be exposed to.
And what's up with his trying to hide it from me? If we are "just friends", then there's no reason not to fess up.
I keep telling myself that boundaries are for MY benefit, not his, and while there are hundreds of words I would like to say, I believe I will save my wisdom for someone who cares.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 494
I think this woman coming into the picture did you a favor in the long run. Your friend's behavior (the friend that you were hoping to have a more intimate relationship with previously) raises red flags that you might not have seen otherwise. Or at least until much later. I know you are sad about losing a friend but it seems to me you are well out of it.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,295
Typical player.
Wants to see her, not sure he wants her, may want you, not sure if he wants you--not sure WHICH OF YOU is the better deal for him in the long run, wants to keep both doors open in case one gets more promising, or he can get tail from both.
He was lying to both of you. She may be just as sane as you are.
She has every right to be Po'd too, if he was telling her he was her bf yet telling others he wasn't her bf.
He can't be trusted.
Now you know. How long before she knows? Aren't you glad you aren't her!
Wants to see her, not sure he wants her, may want you, not sure if he wants you--not sure WHICH OF YOU is the better deal for him in the long run, wants to keep both doors open in case one gets more promising, or he can get tail from both.
He was lying to both of you. She may be just as sane as you are.
She has every right to be Po'd too, if he was telling her he was her bf yet telling others he wasn't her bf.
He can't be trusted.
Now you know. How long before she knows? Aren't you glad you aren't her!
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
