Forgiving Yourself
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 170
Forgiving Yourself
I'm having a hard time forgiving myself for the role I've played as an enabler and specifically the money I've used to support him. I thought each time he bought something or had an idea that required money, it would be enough for him. It never was. He's always moved on to needing something else or more. And as his alcoholism has progressed, it's gotten worse.
I finally realized I need to stop but I'm having a hard time forgiving myself for being so dumb.
I do pray every day and I journal and I'm just starting to learn about Al-Anon and hope to attend online meetings.
Has anyone experienced this and if so how did you forgive yourself? I've forgiven him but I'm very hard on myself. I'm angry with myself every day although I realize I can't go back and change anything.
I finally realized I need to stop but I'm having a hard time forgiving myself for being so dumb.
I do pray every day and I journal and I'm just starting to learn about Al-Anon and hope to attend online meetings.
Has anyone experienced this and if so how did you forgive yourself? I've forgiven him but I'm very hard on myself. I'm angry with myself every day although I realize I can't go back and change anything.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 391
Yep, over here. I've experienced this! And it is hard to forgive ourselves.
Sunshine, It sounds like you're heading down the right path in your understanding that the disease is progressing and going to Al Anon for yourself.
I think one way of looking at this to help you forgive yourself is to remember, that you were sick too (with codependency). That's why you did things that at the time seemed loving and wise and now seem to be such poor choices. The good news is ....you can get better....and you can forgive.
Hugs,
MamaKit
Sunshine, It sounds like you're heading down the right path in your understanding that the disease is progressing and going to Al Anon for yourself.
I think one way of looking at this to help you forgive yourself is to remember, that you were sick too (with codependency). That's why you did things that at the time seemed loving and wise and now seem to be such poor choices. The good news is ....you can get better....and you can forgive.
Hugs,
MamaKit
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Dear sunshinegirl, you operated from what you knew (at the time). Now you have more awareness.
Stop looking back and wishing history would change. Look forward to new ways of living and being. I've heard it said: "It is o.k. to glance back--but, don't stare"!
Beating up on yourself serves absolutely no good purpose.
sincerely, dandylion
Stop looking back and wishing history would change. Look forward to new ways of living and being. I've heard it said: "It is o.k. to glance back--but, don't stare"!
Beating up on yourself serves absolutely no good purpose.
sincerely, dandylion
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Southwest
Posts: 1,207
Since you say that you pray every day, I will go all Christian-fundamentalist on you:
God forgives you. As long as you don't forgive yourself, you are setting yourself up as higher and more punitive than God. Don't do that.
As a loving, giving, compassionate person (can you say codependent?), I always forgave other people so much more quickly than I forgave myself. I was too smart to have done what I did for so long. Squandered so many resources, given away so much of myself.
Unforgiveness does the same thing: it holds us captive to judgment and shame. Especially when the one we need to forgive is ourself.
You are not a higher tribunal than God. If he forgives you and loves you unconditionally, you have to love yourself the same way. (If you are a fundie-Christian like me, you also know that Jesus died so that you can be forgiven. Just accept His work on your behalf and move on.)
It is hard. It took me years. I hope you are kinder and more loving to yourself than I was.
God forgives you. As long as you don't forgive yourself, you are setting yourself up as higher and more punitive than God. Don't do that.
As a loving, giving, compassionate person (can you say codependent?), I always forgave other people so much more quickly than I forgave myself. I was too smart to have done what I did for so long. Squandered so many resources, given away so much of myself.
Unforgiveness does the same thing: it holds us captive to judgment and shame. Especially when the one we need to forgive is ourself.
You are not a higher tribunal than God. If he forgives you and loves you unconditionally, you have to love yourself the same way. (If you are a fundie-Christian like me, you also know that Jesus died so that you can be forgiven. Just accept His work on your behalf and move on.)
It is hard. It took me years. I hope you are kinder and more loving to yourself than I was.
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
what helped me was writing an amends letter to myself ~
I wrote out all the things I wish I had known, the things I wish I had chosen to do differently, that I wished I would have been wiser, stronger and treated myself with more respect.
I apologized to myself for not loving and not taking better care of myself ~
and then I promised myself that I would use all the tools that I have learned and continue to learn in recovery to do a better job in my future - that would be my living amends to myself ~
And every time that old guilt, shame and regret comes back to haunt me - I remind myself I have dealt with that and I'm living differently today so that "old me" has no more power over me to control my new life today ~
I truly felt like it has helped me heal ~ I wish the same for you - it was a great burden lifted!
pink hugs
I wrote out all the things I wish I had known, the things I wish I had chosen to do differently, that I wished I would have been wiser, stronger and treated myself with more respect.
I apologized to myself for not loving and not taking better care of myself ~
and then I promised myself that I would use all the tools that I have learned and continue to learn in recovery to do a better job in my future - that would be my living amends to myself ~
And every time that old guilt, shame and regret comes back to haunt me - I remind myself I have dealt with that and I'm living differently today so that "old me" has no more power over me to control my new life today ~
I truly felt like it has helped me heal ~ I wish the same for you - it was a great burden lifted!
pink hugs
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 2,349
Originally Posted by Jazzman 
I was pretty pissed for allowing myself be taken advantage of. I've since decided to forgive myself as long as I never forget the lessons learned.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,295
Hindsight is so 20-20...for everyone.
I think learning from our pasts as to how to handle situations in our future differently is the answer, at least for me.
It's like stopping the head banging against the wall. Don't do the same thing again and expect different results.
So...we're back to changing ourselves. Isn't that great--because that's the only power we have anyway, and the only power we ever had!
I think learning from our pasts as to how to handle situations in our future differently is the answer, at least for me.
It's like stopping the head banging against the wall. Don't do the same thing again and expect different results.
So...we're back to changing ourselves. Isn't that great--because that's the only power we have anyway, and the only power we ever had!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Seeking Peace
Posts: 1,371
Alot like Ms. Pink here...
I'm making amends to myself. They include going to al anon meetings, lots of prayer and meditation, working out at the gym, going to yoga. Basically, taking care of my mental, emotional and physicaol health in the best way I know how. I can't change the past. But I can make amends to myself by living a better life today.
Give yourself the same love and compassion that you give so freely to others.
Hugs...
I'm making amends to myself. They include going to al anon meetings, lots of prayer and meditation, working out at the gym, going to yoga. Basically, taking care of my mental, emotional and physicaol health in the best way I know how. I can't change the past. But I can make amends to myself by living a better life today.
Give yourself the same love and compassion that you give so freely to others.
Hugs...
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 329
Yep...I felt that way for a while then totally pissed (excuse me) for allowing myself to be totally used! To face the fact that I allowed myself to be used makes me sick because I turned it around every way to see it differently! The fact stares me in the Face now! So ....nope I stopped feeling sorry for him!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 329
Sorry, I should not post tonight if I can't be more positive! I am really angry which isn't typical but here lately just a fact i need to work thru it! The past surfaced today and hit some nerves! Makes me have to look back after all this time
Guest
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Northern California
Posts: 106
Ive been wondering for the past week why it is so easy for me to forgive him for everything he has done, but I cant forgive myself for wasting 20 yrs of my life, for putting my kids through this neck deep crap and for the outcome on their lives...for being so absolutely blind to what was going on and to how this train wreck was going to end....
that is what I am working on now...I deserve forgiveness as much as the next person..
that is what I am working on now...I deserve forgiveness as much as the next person..
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