doseoflove

]Hi all. It is good to have finally taken this step after reading on here for about 2 years. My story is pretty different and long but I hope somebody out there can hang with me and not judge too harshly.

I will try to give the short version. First off, a little more than 20 yrs ago I was recovering from a terribly broken heart and accepted a date with someone I had known for about 10 yrs. I was not terribly attracted to him but knew he cared for me deeply for along time and I guess I felt safe going out with a friend. We were all into the party scene when I had known him and he had dissapeared for a few years but popped back into my life after a 30 day stint in a rehab he went thru for alcohol and cocaine. After dating for quite a while, I was ready to break up cuz I just wasnt feeling it but to my horror, I found out I was pregnant. I already had a 7 yr old from a previous ABF and swore I would never get involved with an abusive A again. But now I was in this situation and we had long talks about how I didn't want alcohol to ever be a problem in my life again. He knew what I had been thru and I thought cuz he had been to rehab I was safe with him. I knew he loved me and thought because of that he would never let it become an issue. I ended up aggreing to marry him and prayed to God if I did the right thing for my baby maybe things would work and I could always leave if it made me too miserable. Dumb and weak of me yes I know, but that was what I felt I needed to do. I ended up with a pretty happy life, blessed with 2 more babies and his kids and a happy little family. Eventually the drinking started keeping him from coming home but I guess I was sooo happy with my children I fought like crazy to get him to see what he was doing but just settled for being a great mom and protecting my kids by not fighting.

Fast forward about 15 yrs and the older kids start moving out,little ones dont need me so much, I get empty nest syndrome, mid life crisis and menapause at the same time. I then started developing a friendship with a family friend who was starting to confide in me about his alcohol problems.I am really skipping a lot here but am just going to the current facts. We ended up getting very close and I told my husband everything as it was happening and begged him to get involved in helping cuz I knew I was geting in too deep. H kept saying he wud but didnt and I started spending more and more time alone with my friend,started loving the closeness and the things he would say. He always complimented soo many thing I was surprised he noticed and he made me feel so smart and special(.Just like my dad used to) He never bad mouthed or tried to damage my marriage,but we just really started to have genuine feelings that were like nothing I had ever experienced.I realized I never had them with mu husband and had resigned myself that I would never have them because I wasnt "in love" when I married but told myself that is what I get for having sex outside of marriage and was my punishment.Gosh what we convince ourselves of. Anyhow, once I felt them I didn't want to give them up and nothing cud stop us from talking to each other. Most of our time was spent talking,and it seemed my husband never had anything to say to me and I truly was wanting more with my friend. I was sooo upset and distraught cuz I knew he had a drinking problem. I decided to confess my feelings and confide in my husband because he is the one who was always too busy with other things for his buddies but not things that were important to my heart I felt he could help me now that I was in soo deep, but and he said if that was what I wanted I shud get it out of my system but not let him know.

Stunned?? Yeh, me too.I was so confused for a long time and took that as meaning he didn't want to do what was needed to correct this ummm,missapropriation?? of feelings. I was hurt but my friend said I was stupid and that showed how much my husband loved me that he would say that just to keep me.Well I stayed physically faithful for about another year and now looking back I was in a trap but thought it was real but now I see it for what it was. We did end up being together intimately and it was like nothing I ever felt in my whole life and my friend and I got soo deeply attatched I entertained thoughts of what it would be like to have that all the time with him. I think I would have left my lonely unhappy marriage if it wasnt for his drinking issue. Like everyone else it felt like the greatest soul mate connection ever.I realized he had no real intention to stop and I told my husband everything.We had been to counseling for our problems 8 years earlier so it was no surprise how vulnerable I was for my husband never followed thru with the counselors suggestions to do things that were so important for our marriage. I felt soo alone in it.We went to counseling for the 3rd time and have been trying so hard to address our issues and over time I realized it was all from his intimacy issues that should have been addressed in an aftercare program that never happened after his stint in rehab. But he had only done the 30 days and never anything else. Dont get me wrong after years of reading and my own work I too had issues from a wonderful father dying when I was young which led to abandonment issues and neediness from me.

So with a little history here is where we are now. The friend has remained a dearly loved family friend leaning heavily on our family but I realize it was really us enabling him. We used to try and support him with invitations,meals,taking his drunk calls for hours cuz we felt sorry for him and knew how beautiful he was before the alcohol. We stopped most of that 6 months ago hoping he would be lonely and maybe miss us enough to finally get some help. But instead he hooked up with some lady who just got out of a 25 yr relationship with an alcoholic and her only requirement of my friend is he dont hit her. He now is happy never having kids or any of the things he dreamed of in exchange for someone who has no ambition in life other than to enable her hot young stud and she has no problem drinking with him. I have been thru it all now. She hates me cuz I threaten her newfound great life cuz it is no secret we all want him to get sober and he is caving and stopping contact with a family who has gone to hell and back for him and with him.She knows if he sobered up she would lose her free room and board and bedmate. We were all so proud to have loved each other enough to get past our mistakes and remain friend.His contact with us is less and less but soo worrisome. Now he confessed he is drinking in the morning before work and even sneaking it to work with him.And now I have found out when she questioned his relationship with me, he said we have been best friends for years but denied anything more ever between us. Her instinct tells her different but now he is berating her and brainwashing her into believing that lie among others. I have lost all respect for him for he admitted she makes drinking all the easier for him and is a huge enabler.He talks bad about her behind her back but I have heard him beg her to stay when she threatens to leave when he calls me, usually when they are fighting and I told him to stop using me when she is ignoring him because of the way he gets when he drinks.

So, now here is the big question. My husband and I have realized how much of a role his drinking has really been in our friendship and the craziness we have endured. We have decided it is problably past time to go no contact but for my sanity and our marriage we must. I have read soo much about how A's keep us in fear of their blaming and tantrums and feel so stupid for keeping his secrets so he dont get mad. I feel soo bad for this girl cuz she just doesnt know a better life. She has issues and never worked or driven in her whole life. After 1 date he moved her to his place far away from any1 and now she is totally dependant on him and is falling for his charm and lies.

Before we walk totally away,should my husband and I tell her how he has lied to her about his past with me. Not to hurt anybody but maybe it would open her eyes to what is truly happening to her. I have offered to take her to church or Al-Anon with me but she hates me soo much and I have done nothing to her. I wonder if he is poisoning her about me so I DONT get close to her and tumble his house of cards. I told him from the beginning not to lie to her about me because that is no way to start a relationship, but he did. Should we call either of his jobs and tell them he is coming in under the influence and driving clients around in a compamy vehichle. He has been written up for other infractions due to alcohol.like calling fellow employees in his drunken stupors at night and sleeping with clients in the hotel. It is not for any other reason but to maybe raise his bottom and not feel so bad about keeping his secrects. I know this story will problably bring tons of comments and questions but my husband and I realize so many of our problems stem from his unresolved issues of being verbally beaten down and starved for affection and approval from his father, hence his lack of confidence to deal with issues and ignoring them instead.He absolutely hates conflict and avoids it to the detriment of those being hurt. His only action is wait till things get soo bad then he wants to rip off someones head but that is not very effective. I have been dealing with 2 alcoholics for 5 years and wondering why I have lost all my joy. I dont want to get out of bed,I hurt for my friend who is turning into a beast I never imagined,and wondering if after all these years will my husband ever be what I need so badly.1 drives me insane and the other only cares when he thinks Im about to leave. I need hubby to be a rock and instead he resorts to indifference,sarcasm and whining.

I am actually jealous of the ones here that have to go no contact and have a whole bright new future. I can go no contact with the friend who has been there for me emotionally so much more than hubby, but that also gave him the power to totally tear me down and mess up my world. But missing him hurts so much cuz with him gone I still have a dry drunk that I am married to that is as supportive and affectionate as a feather.But I know that no marriage is perfect, he is the one who is still here for me,taken care of me when I was sick,brings me coffee every morning, the one I have a past and a future with,the father of my children and the one who keeps saying he wants to make us work. I may never have the intimacy and laughter I crave,but I guess this is where I have to rely on God to see me thru. I know I made a vow I may have broken, but will never do that again.

Ok, I know this is way too long and I had to leave soo much out but I can answer all ur questions and fill in blanks as needed. For now I just want thoughts about revealing the friends dirty secrets that are helping him isolate from everybody,drink constantly,and heap more damage on a woman who already spent all her adult life beaten down by a drunk.
I sure hope somebody has stayed with me here and can offer some support,insight,strenght and comfort. This has been such an awfully long,hard depressing journey. Thanks God I focused on my kids and they are all doing wonderful,happy great partners,honor students and no drugs or even cigarettes in the whole bunch!!! I did something right!!I thank you in advance!

fantail

It sounds like an incredibly painful and complicated situation for everyone involved. But here are my thoughts:

It sounds to me like you're convincing yourself that you want to tell the girlfriend that you slept with her boyfriend for their own good. But to me, it sounds like you want to tell because you think it will damage their relationship and possibly cause them to break up.

I don't blame you, it sounds like you have a good connection with this man and you're unsure about his new girlfriend. But you're married. As painful as it was for you to have a deep emotional connection without being able to turn it into a full relationship, I would imagine it was even worse for him. You were essentially dating him on the side while remaining married to your husband. I'm not surprised that he eventually wanted to be with someone who could actually be his partner, not someone else's. It's very unfortunate that this relationship is enabling rather than curbing his drinking... but as you say, his relationship with you and your husband also enabled his drinking.

As for the girlfriend, the way you write about her is very negative, especially when you first began describing their relationship. You later say you feel bad for her and want to help her, but it sounds like you don't like her very much. She clearly needs support in her life, but not from someone she mistrusts and who sees her as a rival of sorts. I think it's very good of you to offer to take her to AlAnon if she ever wants to go, but having made sure she knows that offer is on the table, I would back off.

Basically, it sounds like an unfortunate situation but I don't think that meddling in their relationship will be good for anyone.

least

to SR!

doseoflove

Wow,I cant believe I finally attempted to write that whole story and I am back on the second page of posts with 2 only replies. I really wanted a bunch of input cause yes, this is very painful. I knew there was no way I cud explain everything. I truly appreciate the response and know u cudnt possibly understand it all. To clear up some things, I know it sounds awful but I had not slept with my husband for almost a year because of our issues and when I did finally end up with my friend, I did not ever go back and sleep with my husband. We seperated tho stayed in same house, my rings came off for I was prepared to be with my friend if he wanted to be with me while he worked on recovery. I know it sounds weird now but he had me convinced he wanted to be with me and get sober. Like I said I realize now how much was the drinking and my own avoiding issues at home. We stopped the contact over 2 years ago and he had a live in girlfriend during that time who thought she could berate him into quitting. I stayed away for 6 months and when she left he came back to our family and got closer to us, swearing he wud never date a girl we did not think was good for him. We often talked of the 4 of us double dating. I realized his patterns of lying to girls and using them as an excuse as to why he couldnt talk to us when in reality he was just staying home and getting drunk.

Yes he was lonely and wanted a girl of his own, but he knows he wud never get what he wanted as long as he was a alcoholic. I mean a drink till ur passed out horrible shakes when he doesn't now everything he says is a lie. He has cried to us and claimed such love for us and is deeply saddened by what he does but just drinks again the next day.

As far as the GF, She moved in with him after the first date, How would you feel if some girl who didn't even know you did all she could to encourage ur friend to drink and seperate him from people he has known his whole life?? I tried to be a friend to her in the beginning but she just refuses to speak to me . He asked me if I would take her 2 church for he works on Sundays and I said yes. I also told HIM I shud take her to Al-Anon and when I txtd him and asked if she wanted to go to church one day, he told me no she was getting drunk. I was stunned cuz he had told me she didn't drink. @ weeks later he told me he made that up about her, that is when I realized he was actually causing friction between me and her because now I cant talk to her which gives him room to manipulate everybody involved. She is too old to have children. Yes I am angry at her for she is enabling my friend cuz she doesn't understand what he use to be like, she hates me for no reason other than she is jealous cuz he told her I was his best friend, and how can I not have compassion for a woman who has emotional issues, hooks up with a drubk at 17,stays for 20 some years and thinks she struck gold cuz my friend wont hit her. Oh but his actions have made me cry so hard I have almost thrown up.
So it is ok for her to hate me and cut us of which allows him to drink more becaus e she is suspicious about our past which he lied to her about but her gut is telling her different and it is ok for him to brainwash her for his own use. Somehow I thought the truth was best because lies keep them sick. and what about his work where he is plastered one min and 5 hours later he is driving clients around. I should let that go?? I never said anything cuz I was scared of his wrath but now realize that is what they do to us.
And I know what people think,but if I wanted to be with him all I would have to have done was pick a fight at home and move in with friend. I ended the affair because I knew it was not helping him at all. He had me convinced if he had someone at home he wud be able to quit but when I was there he still drank. In the past few weeks I told him I should call his work and tell her what he says behind her back and he said I always say Im gonna do things but I never do. I hope this clears some up. I am not a lying scumbag and thought long and hard before doing anything I truly would love to see my friend in a loving healthy relationship but not one that he can soo easily manipulate to better his drinking. I just hate that she is pushing us out because she thinks I am seeing him behind her back which I am not nor ever will. I know I am not the one for him and I regret what I did and it took a long time for me to forgive myself and be able to be with my husband again. The affaiar made me look at what was going on in my head and heart and realize issues I never knew I had and my marriage is stronger for it. And if she chose to leave after learning he lied and used her wouldn't that be letting him suffer consequences of his actions?? I only thought maybe it would raise his bottom. He told me often he doesn't love her at all and is using her to clean for him. He is turning into someone I can't find much to love about so quickly. Isn't keeping his secrets for him also enabling???

ScottFromWI

Dose:

I would agree that as much as you seem to have invested in this situation, backing off and helping if asked would be the best course. You have no control over other people's relationships, just as you have no control over another person's alcoholism. There is a lot of support in the Friends and Family forum on living with/helping those close to you dealing with addiction.

doseoflove

And I have no way of knowing if he ever told her I was willing to take her to al-anon. He stopped me from taking her to church when it was him who asked me to. He invited us over to have a drink with them which really threw me. But he wont make time to come here for dinner with her. I dont see how u think I am her rival. She is the one waking up next to him every day but she thinks her life is good because he has never hit a girl, but truly there are many times I wish he would have than to have put me thru some of the mental torture he has dished out, he built me up and then totally destroyed every good feeling he ever gave me and made me hate myself and think I was going insane. Thats why I started reading on here 2 years ago and this place gave me the strenght to detach. It has been hard but I am getting better and better at it. I was just wondering if before I go totally away shud I fix the secrets I have kept for him. He knows I thought he shud have been honest from the beginning. I didn't want to develpe a friendship with her knowing I was keeping his lie when what shud it have mattered what happened in our past, and believe me, my husband cud honestly go there and tell her the truth because I was always honest with him. So really 3 of us keep his secret so he can convince her she is crazy???

deeker

It sounds like you are completely consumed with this other person. You are powerless over what he does and I don't believe it is your business to tell anyone anything about him. That is his life and your life is with your husband.
I think you and your hubby might have more of a chance if you weren't obsessing over this other person's life.

I think it's time to let him go. He's made his choice, he wants to keep drinking.

doseoflove

Uhh, yeh I know that. That's why I have stopped seeing him,started alanon and been reading here. My husband and I have been to counseling 3 times in the past 15 years. I started out with good intentions and ended up on the alcoholic crazy train but did not understand that. My marriage has been devoid of emotional intimacy for almost 25 years so that has nothing to do with my issues with another person. And truthfully I need to get away from the crazy train so I can make mature honest decisions about a marriage that has left me soo unhappy due to issues he never resolved about his past. He started drinking very early and just slowed down in the past 6 years. It only gets verbally abusive when I try to talk about my feelings so I have learned to suffer silently. Hence my joy at having someone to talk to which led to the closeness I felt with friend.

I know he has chosen to drink. I get that. All I am asking is before I go totally no contact with the whole heartbreaking mess, do I come clean about the lie he is using to make her doubt her instincts and call her crazy? And should I tell his work he is showing up and driving under the influence. I know what I have to do about everything else but isn't keeping their lies a form of enabling? Maybe I shouldn't have told all the background but I did in case I would need help in other areas. Would the advice be the same if we were never involved and just friends?? What kind of friend does that make me to keep his lies and secrets enabling him to use another and jeopordise others lives? I did the best I could with what I knew and now I see how this for what it is. I didn't ask for advice on my marriage or my obsession, just wether letting him manipulate her and cause her to not want to talk to me for his own selfish reasons is truly the kind and correct thing to do?
Now I know why I never took the time to reach out for help with what I went thru by myself all these years. Nobody knows what I have been thru or the price I paid being consumed trying to do what I thought was helping. I just wanted to know how far you let somebody decieve others when you can stop it. Would you want to know the truth if you were her or his employer?? Is telling enabling or is not telling enabling? That's all I asked.
And my life is with my husband if I choose it to be. Do I want to spend the rest of my life without kissing or sex or being able to trust him with money and drugs and drinking and fighting and crying to sleep at night?? I cant make that decision till I become untangled from this other mess. But I didn't go into lengths about my marriage because that is not what I was asking for advice about!

I know this place is all about letting go and stuff but there are also people who have quit because someone cared enough to not turn their head the other way. Am I THAT out of touch with reality that no one can see what I am asking??? IS KEEPING HIS SECRETS HELPING TO KEEP HIM SICK?

ScottFromWI

I'd agree with Deeker, Dose. You seem to have become completely obsessed with something that is not only none of your business, but completely beyond your control.

Certainly you have good intentions, but even if you were to get involved it won't make a difference. The only person that can stop an alcoholic from drinking is the alcoholic themselves.

My personal opinion would be to use SR to help with your own issues and help better your own life. You seem to be a very passionate person, imagine what you can do if you put that passion to work helping yourself.

doseoflove

have been reading everything on Friends and Family for the past 2 years. Most are about people and their significant other or a parent or child. My issue is being involved with a husband who can have alcoholic tendencies and a full blown alcoholic friend.I can go no contact with 1 but still live with the other. Forgive me if I come off as angry but i am. What about hey thank God you wised up and didn't throw away ur family for a drunk, or good job reading everything you could and figuring out soo much, even about my own issues, or going to Al-Anon. This is stuff u tell all the newcomers but I have already done that on my own. I guess this is the price I pay for not telling her as soon as I found out he lied to her about me. I wanted to keep his friendship at all costs and now realize that was selfish on my part. So if he ends up killing a client at work I shouldn't feel bad because I knew he was driving drunk. And I should let her not talk to me or ask me for help because she knows something isn't quite right but she is targeting me instead of the true liar. And that works out great for his disease because he is using her insecurities about me as a reason to pull away from us so he can manipulate her further and drink more and lie to us. Why do others get told if they know someone is driving drunk they should report it?I have not been immoral or flirted or anything with him since I stopped before his LAST girlfriend. Ok, Im done explaining, asking or defending. I just dont understand how it is right or correct to condone what feels like me to be further enabling and being bullied into silence for fear of his anger. I really dont care if he never speaks to me again cuz it is now all just lies. Thanks for the replies tho.

Rodzilla4u

hope you find help

doseoflove

And I am not trying to get involved, I already have been and am no longer going to. I don't want to enable at all anymore. I was just trying to make sure that by keeping his nasty secrets on my way out the door was not further enabling. I feel sick I kept my mouth shut in the first place cuz he is just using it to push us away and drink more and hurt her. I can't control him at all, but I can control what I allow him to use me for.

Odelle

I will chime in, knowing that you won’t like what I have to say. Have you considered the possible aftereffects of your unwanted intrusion in your friend’s life? If your meddling leads to a breakup or job loss? If it pushes your friend deeper into the throws of alcoholism? I think you are being obsessive in trying to control your friend’s life, his choices and his denials.

It is time for you to step back and involve yourself in something that will benefit YOU. Maybe look into a new hobby, join a gym, enroll in classes, anything to put your focus back on your life and your family. IMHO, you will be a much more supportive friend if you take a back seat and draw boundaries on your continued relationship with this friend.

I know you think that following through on your threats will force him to address his alcoholism and that you believe you are doing this with his best interest at heart, but the consequences could be detrimental for all involved.

deeker

I agree with Odelle, It is very apparent that you are co dependent and really need to begin to work on your own issues.

Aren't you learning about all of that in Al- anon? The feedback you are getting here is , it is not your responsibilty, he is not your responsibility, it is not your responsibilty to save the world from this person who drinks, or drives, lies or manipulates or whatever he does.

It's just not your job. He is a grown man. Let him make his mistakes and maybe he will hit bottom and get help. You can't follow him around for the rest of his life. His relationship with this other woman is really none of your business. She is a grown women and chooses to be with him.You don't have to be the Savior of the world. People have to go thru their own stuff to learn the lesson.

You are just gonna make yourself crazy.

doseoflove

Its not about liking what u all say, it is about believing in my heart what is right. No kidding Im co dependant. Why do u think I am here. I have never hurt sooo much or cried soo much in my life. Im cryin soo hard now I cant even type. The most painful thing in my life was burying my father but at least time kinda healed that. Living like this is like burying him every day. I have been trying to rejoin life and went from talking to him every day to maybe 1 every week or 2. I have been pulling away and trying to refocus. I dont tell him what to do about her, his drinking , or anything anymore cuz I was turning into a nag. And I already FEEL crazy. I want to go over to his house and flip out and scream and tell him how hurt I am and what this disease has turned him into. How much more can he drink than every spare moment of his life.But I know that wud be useless and stupid. I watched him pick up every abandoned cup on 3 picnic tables after a 3 day camping party and drink whatever or whoseever cup it was or was in it.Even cigarette butts. He gathered them all in front of him and chugged them cuz he was out of alcohol. He was 31. I have watched him proposition strangers and pinch strangers in the ass, get punched out,make kids cry,Whip his private out at parties etc. **** himself,stick his fist down his dogs throat till his dog attacked him. He thought it was funny.I have seen him cry and cry over what he has done, but he always goes back,cept now he stays home and isoltes. This is sick. But when he was younger he was the perfect polite christian man u wud want ur daughter to bring home. Every time I tried to walk away he wud cry that he needed me, we even had an intervention 3 yrs ago. I finally beat my way thru all the words and started looking at his actions. NOTHING TOWARDS SOBRIETY> I know if nothing changes, nothing changes so I am changing. Yes I have a lot of work to doon me. I KNOW THAT. I dont txt anymore, call, visit, take him food, was just gonna let life happened to him. Then he found her and calls to tell me how he dont love her,he is only using her for a while, makes fun of her etc, but I know he will play every game in the book to keep her to meet his own needs. That is all it is about anymore.,it is sickening. I can not have a happy life with this and am fighting soo freakin hard to stop obsessing and crying over such a tradgedy. I just wantedto know if I was enabling his addiction by keeping his secrets. What dont u people get. I am not a moron. I have even thoughtwhat if he loses his job and girlfriend and shoots himself. Is that MY fault?? NO! He chose to do that. I CHOSE TO KEEP MY MOUTH SHUT ABOUT OUR PAST TO REMAIN HIS FRIEND. IS THAT NOT SICK ALSO????? He can make all the mistakes he wants. I just didn't want to make any more mistakes by enabling him. If your loved one drove a school bus drunk, u wud be quiet???? OK, and he has told her TONS of lies, but this is a lie I WAS QUIET ABOUT. ME. This is about me and being able to move on with a clear conscience. ME!! And he has been friendless and jobless before but has amazing resiliency and luck. that was a few years back but now he is in much deeper, lost more of his youth and is suffering physically much greater and some issues he is having may never be reapaired with quitting. Not my issue or my problem.

When somebody is co dependant it takes time first to understand what is going on,figure out what to do and then do it. I never even heard the word till here 2 years ago.What ever happened to patience, not perfection for my case??
I am not trying to save anybody except to know that as my final move I did not further hurt anyone anymore. She is going to pay the price staying with someone who has lied to her,maybe she wud take better care if she KNEW she was lied to, but I let him do it for my own selfish reasons,and basically I LIED. It is called lying by omission. If it wud hurt him, thats his problem, if it would help him, thats his problem too and if he gets fired for drinking on the job, He suffers for his actions, I dont suffer knowing I let other lives be put in danger. I am not talking about his mistakes, I am talking about mine.If I let somebody believe a lie, that is MY doing, If I know someone is driving drunk and do nothing to stop it and he kills someone, no matter what u say, I will feel guilty. I just hope it is not anyone any of us knows.

There is no continued relationship with this friend for he is not my freind anymore.I am letting go totally and blocked his number.He is supposed to go with us for my sons game next month, a state championship game and I am not even going to call and ask or remind him. He came to all his games last year but now ignores us. I am done with him. I have no intention of ever speaking to him again till he wants to work a plan. He knows where to go and what to do to get better and he does not need me at all. This was just a mteer of going to see her which is 10 miles away and let her know I am sorry for being quiet and letting him get away with lying to her about me, and a call to his job with a heads up about their driver. That was all.I am beginning to feel that even trying to get u all to understand I am on the upswing is making me feel sick again. It feels like the only thing anyone can do is point out my faults, past mistakes and say DONT DO ANOTHER THING, whether it be right or wrong. For 2 years I was jealous of all the people who came on here for comfort and understanding and wanted some for me. I finally printed out the whole long story and everybody is picking and choosing what they feel like commenting on except the one question I keep asking. How about a yes or no answer. IS KEEPING HIS SECRET SAFE A FORM OF ENABLING AND HELPING HIM STAY SICK. I am not asking if I need help, if I am a codependant, if my life will be better without him, if I should follow him, call him, clean up his messes,work on my marriage,try to save the world or if he is my responsibility. I know he is not. I am not trying to make his relationship my business for I surely could have if I wanted to. I only want to know is will my keeping quiet hurt another human being.
And I am working on my own issues. Walking away from him is helping fix my issues. Ok, one more time

Odelle

Obviously, you are not getting the answers here that you are looking for. You may be better off discussing this with a counselor. Someone trained to provide you with the direction you seek. Kudos to you for working on your own codependency issues! We too are just ordinary people with addiction issues, trying to improve our lives. Life is tough and sometimes unclear. I wish you well!

Edited to say: I am just an ordinary person with an alcohol addiction problem, trying to improve my life. Sorry guys and gals, it is not my place to speak for others.

ScottFromWI

If you are looking for comfort an understanding to help with your own sobriety, SR is a great place. If you need help for yourself with others in your famliy that are addicts, the family and friends area is very good as you know, and Al-Anon is a great resource too.

My personal answer to your yes/no question is NO. Nothing you can do or say, or any secrets from the past have the least bit of relevance to his current sobriety. He is an adult and must decide to be sober for himself. At best, your intrusion would do nothing, and most likely it would make things worse. I'd advise avoiding the situation completely unless you are directly ask to intervene by him or his friend.

doseoflove

And again, I was not concerned what this would or would not do to his sobriety. I wanted to know if keeping an addicts secrets is considered enabling and if my silence was harmul to HER or another innocent victim. Read the end of ur response. Nothing wud have relevance on his sobriety. Nope,u still dont get it, I AM TALKING ABOUT FIXING THE DAMAGE I DID 2 ANOTHER BY ENABLING HIM. I am soo done Im gonna puke.I will let her believe he is awesome cuz that is what I led her 2 believe 4 weeks ago and I will let his boss keep putting him behind the wheel of a car. So because he is a drunk she doesn't deserve the truth I misled her on and because he is a drunk He gets to risk others lives. Somehow I can not wrap my brain around that this is what God wud want me to do. The only way for evil to prevail is for good people to sit back and do nothing. Ireally thought out of all the stupid things I HAVE done, this is the 1 thing I shud have done. Thanks and Godspeed. And I found comfort from church and al anon and thru what others recieved here,I just didn't want to tell the world about my sins but figured nobody cud honestly help me unless I swallowed my pride and told the whole sordid story.

And Odell, thank u. Ur acknowledgement of what I have achieved has brought me to tears again and I think u may be right. I am done with him and his issues but me lying to someone,and looking the other way when someone is careless behind the wheel are the only issues I feel bad about being a co dependant anymore. Those were to preserve a sick friendship that really wasn't a friendship and I felt led to correct, for my concience, not his. So sorry if I messaged at the wrong place and seem bullheaded. I am a Christian and try to follow the example Jesus led and hate being a part of decieving or hurting others.And it's not that I only want to hear what I want ,its that everybody brought up every issue under the sun except what I was asking. I wanted to hear why it is wise smart or even kind to let her live her life believing what I misled her to think,and why it is smart,wise or kind to keep a drunk behind the wheel. Thank you

ScottFromWI

My answer is still no as you said you wanted a Yes/no answer. They are both adults and they can make their own decisions. If you did any damage, it is already done. You can't undo it. I know you have good intentions but frankly you can't help at this point. It's all in their hands now.

deeker

Agree with Scott. Family and friends forum would be of better help for you, or Christian Forum.


What is your true motive? To protect the girlfriend or to get the girlfriend out of his life cuz she is with him and you are not.

These are tough questions. Only you can answer. You said you are a Christian.

What is the Holy Spirit telling you? If it's telling you to personally come clean to expose only yourself for not being honest about you and he's past relationship to expose that you have been dishonest, then absolutley tell her.

If it's to bring trouble on him , then I think you have an underlying motive.

You said you go to church. You need to continue getting honest with your support group at church and get godly advice from people who are in the word.

Whether you are enabling him or not, considering you are not with him 24/7, what you do probably has very little effect on what he chooses to do.


What you know from the past is already probably on the bottom of the list of all the things that he has done which you consider to be brought out into the open.

Tell on yourself not on other people. And then change your behavior. As in Move On!!!

P.S. As far as the boss. Not your job. We can't take every drunk driver off the road and you will face a lot of consequences for making that decision and it will just keep him in your life longer with drama.

This is my opinion. You are asking a bunch of alkies and addicts new in recovery. Please go to Family and christians forum.