terrified to take a trip
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Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: my own prison
Posts: 108
terrified to take a trip
My RAH and I will soon be celebrating our first anniversary. Lord knows it's been one hell of a year....
I invited his family up from out of state when he come home from rehab (3mo ago), hoping to show him that his friends and family would be supportive of his decision to sober up. They hadn't had the pleasure of seeing this from him since he was a teenager. The get together was amazing. I got to see a different side of him, the strong, empowered, proud man who was willing to be honest about how bad things had really gotten peeked out long enough to show his loved ones that he was ashamed of who he was, what he did and that he wasn't going to hide it anymore. He set boundaries with them and let them know that he would not be around at family functions when there was alcohol involved, it was sad to see their faces as they tried to remember any family function that didn't revolve around booze. Before they left his grandfather mentioned throwing us an anniversary party this month and we've made arrangements to leave on Friday.
I'm not exactly sure how I feel about this. I trust that the party will be dry, that part doesn't worry me....
Things have been really rough between my husband and I. Not only have we been having a hard time (usually fighting over lack of communication, but on this day he cancelled our counseling appt because he didn't feel it was necessary since he had gone by himself the week before), we had yet another situation arise with his ex wife claiming my children and I are bullying my step daughter. This one cut deep. Not only were the accusations she made against my daughter a lie but she told her father that she was scared of me. Me? The person who has never so much as even raised my voice at this child to prevent any drama with her mama! I'm not sure if she really said it or if her dad was just throwing it at me because he was upset with me for considering moving out? Either way it was unwarranted and has caused a huge discomfort in the house. I know that she is struggling with the fact that she is no longer an only child, she makes it obvious that she doesn't want her father and I to sit next to each other by constantly coming to sit between us or on his lap. So Im wondering if this wasn't her attempt to get more attention? My eldest is upset that she was lied on and questions her step fathers feelings about her, now I'm timid about being left alone with an 8yr old because I don't want her lying on me, I'm constantly trying to keep the kids from bickering with her to much because I don't want any conflict and my husband seems to be intentionally aggravating the situation. Last night during a conversation with an 8 & 6yr old I'm attempting to tell them that they can't be vindictive with each other over who can go in who's bedroom (one minute it's ok the next it isn't just to spite each other), he walks by and reminds his daughter that he told her to draw the Mason Dixon Line.... When I asked him what he meant by that he said that he just told her not to whine about it. Im sorry but I wasn't born yesterday. I told him how I understood his statement and he says I took it wrong then stayed mad at me all night and still today. I had plans of getting a haircut after work today and when I popped in the house to pee because it was on the way I got the third degree over why I was home? Really???
The tension between us is so thick most of the time that I have almost left 3 times in the last month. I've stayed because he promises that he makes saying that he wants to work on the problems we are having but I have yet to see any attempt. To be quite honest I'm not really in the mood to celebrate our anniversary with the condition our relationship is in, no less go on a trip blowing money we shouldn't just to fake it in front of people who could care less whether I'm here or not.
I don't know what to do? I'm not sure if I should just suck it up and go or stay here and let him go. If I go there is a possibility that we are going to fight and I will regret being there almost as much as I did on our wedding night. If I stay the kids and I will not be able to see my family and possibly miss out on having a good time.
I invited his family up from out of state when he come home from rehab (3mo ago), hoping to show him that his friends and family would be supportive of his decision to sober up. They hadn't had the pleasure of seeing this from him since he was a teenager. The get together was amazing. I got to see a different side of him, the strong, empowered, proud man who was willing to be honest about how bad things had really gotten peeked out long enough to show his loved ones that he was ashamed of who he was, what he did and that he wasn't going to hide it anymore. He set boundaries with them and let them know that he would not be around at family functions when there was alcohol involved, it was sad to see their faces as they tried to remember any family function that didn't revolve around booze. Before they left his grandfather mentioned throwing us an anniversary party this month and we've made arrangements to leave on Friday.
I'm not exactly sure how I feel about this. I trust that the party will be dry, that part doesn't worry me....
Things have been really rough between my husband and I. Not only have we been having a hard time (usually fighting over lack of communication, but on this day he cancelled our counseling appt because he didn't feel it was necessary since he had gone by himself the week before), we had yet another situation arise with his ex wife claiming my children and I are bullying my step daughter. This one cut deep. Not only were the accusations she made against my daughter a lie but she told her father that she was scared of me. Me? The person who has never so much as even raised my voice at this child to prevent any drama with her mama! I'm not sure if she really said it or if her dad was just throwing it at me because he was upset with me for considering moving out? Either way it was unwarranted and has caused a huge discomfort in the house. I know that she is struggling with the fact that she is no longer an only child, she makes it obvious that she doesn't want her father and I to sit next to each other by constantly coming to sit between us or on his lap. So Im wondering if this wasn't her attempt to get more attention? My eldest is upset that she was lied on and questions her step fathers feelings about her, now I'm timid about being left alone with an 8yr old because I don't want her lying on me, I'm constantly trying to keep the kids from bickering with her to much because I don't want any conflict and my husband seems to be intentionally aggravating the situation. Last night during a conversation with an 8 & 6yr old I'm attempting to tell them that they can't be vindictive with each other over who can go in who's bedroom (one minute it's ok the next it isn't just to spite each other), he walks by and reminds his daughter that he told her to draw the Mason Dixon Line.... When I asked him what he meant by that he said that he just told her not to whine about it. Im sorry but I wasn't born yesterday. I told him how I understood his statement and he says I took it wrong then stayed mad at me all night and still today. I had plans of getting a haircut after work today and when I popped in the house to pee because it was on the way I got the third degree over why I was home? Really???
The tension between us is so thick most of the time that I have almost left 3 times in the last month. I've stayed because he promises that he makes saying that he wants to work on the problems we are having but I have yet to see any attempt. To be quite honest I'm not really in the mood to celebrate our anniversary with the condition our relationship is in, no less go on a trip blowing money we shouldn't just to fake it in front of people who could care less whether I'm here or not.
I don't know what to do? I'm not sure if I should just suck it up and go or stay here and let him go. If I go there is a possibility that we are going to fight and I will regret being there almost as much as I did on our wedding night. If I stay the kids and I will not be able to see my family and possibly miss out on having a good time.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
If I go there is a possibility that we are going to fight and I will regret being there almost as much as I did on our wedding night.
ok, that has to be about the saddest thing I've read in one short sentence. sweetie, this just hasn't been a good year for you, has it? coming up on your FIRST anniversary and you've already thought of leaving three times this month alone. that says SO much.
maybe this was a mistake...or perhaps more the point, a miscalculation. he's already been to rehab. you're trying to blend a family and he is telling his kids to put up barriers and NOT blend. he sounds very self absorbed and very controlling. and he doesn't seem at all contrite or attempting to make good.
I can see why you are so conflicted. all I can suggest is think HARD about what is best for YOU, now and for the rest of your life....and also your precious daughter.
ok, that has to be about the saddest thing I've read in one short sentence. sweetie, this just hasn't been a good year for you, has it? coming up on your FIRST anniversary and you've already thought of leaving three times this month alone. that says SO much.
maybe this was a mistake...or perhaps more the point, a miscalculation. he's already been to rehab. you're trying to blend a family and he is telling his kids to put up barriers and NOT blend. he sounds very self absorbed and very controlling. and he doesn't seem at all contrite or attempting to make good.
I can see why you are so conflicted. all I can suggest is think HARD about what is best for YOU, now and for the rest of your life....and also your precious daughter.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,452
From my experience, it is very hard to blend a step family. Together, we had 3 daughters, 12,13 and 14 when we married, the middle one being mine, and I had a 9 year old son and he had a college age son. The rivalries were huge, and the alliances very surprising and shifting.
I almost left the first year I was married, also, and for me, since my husband was a narcissist, though I didn't understand what that was, and became an alcoholic, I wish I had listened to my gut and left. After almost 20 years, I am divorcing him.
Try Alanon, and maybe get yourself a counselor so that you can sort out what is you and your husband, and might be a long term problem, and what is the sturm und drang of a newly blended step-family.
Good luck, keep coming here and posting, and I'll bet1 you'll get lots of clues as others share their experiences.
ShootingStar
I almost left the first year I was married, also, and for me, since my husband was a narcissist, though I didn't understand what that was, and became an alcoholic, I wish I had listened to my gut and left. After almost 20 years, I am divorcing him.
Try Alanon, and maybe get yourself a counselor so that you can sort out what is you and your husband, and might be a long term problem, and what is the sturm und drang of a newly blended step-family.
Good luck, keep coming here and posting, and I'll bet1 you'll get lots of clues as others share their experiences.
ShootingStar
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: my own prison
Posts: 108
It's been an bitter sweet year. I married a man who was able to hide his alcoholism from me until I moved in with him (5mo after we were married due to a 17mo custody battle which lead to me petitioning the state to move out of IL) I've been through hell and back several times just to be with him. Once I got here I found out very quickly just how bad things really were. Along with his drinking problem were lies and cheating, outbursts of anger and aggression towards me because of his "mistakes", hid the fact that our home went into foreclosure because he drank the house payment for 8mo before I came.... the list goes on. I thought things were going to get easier when he came back from rehab but I'm seeing that the problems weren't all alcohol induced.
When we first got together my step daughter adored me, I've always done things with the kids that her parents never took the time to do. She constantly told me how much she loved me and it seemed we all blended very nicely. I started noticing a difference in her a few months ago and even talked to my husband about it. Whining because she wants to be alone, crying because one of the kids is sitting next to her, constantly coming to tell us on someone's sheer existence is bothering her. I thought maybe she was having problems at her moms, who lives with her parents, two siblings and a niece and nephew. I asked my husband to talk to her but he never did. She has always been a little rude to my children when she comes from her moms, gloating about all they toys her mom just bought for her or the movies she got to go see to the point that we had to ask her mom several times to stop dropping her off with the toys she bought her on the way over. The problem I have with that is that we don't do those things for the kids, we aren't made of money and I prefer the kids appreciate the things they get, not throw a fit and expect them but when we do things for the children it always revolves around his daughter being here. We never did anything outside of her week with us. Which really bothers my eldest (12).
The weekend before this last drama happened was my 6yr olds birthday. My step daughter told my husband (who was in rehab during her bday) that her party wasn't special, which really hurt my feelings because I busted my butt to try to make her happy. Instead of being excited she cried because she didn't get the same decorations and pouted all day/night because she didn't have any of the toys my daughter had. Never once mentioned any of the accusations she made to her mom 3 days later. That's why I wondered if it wasn't for attention. If she goes to her mom and tells her she got her feelings hurt, mom automatically runs out to buy her whatever she wants. When I brought my theory to my husbands attention he screamed at me "HOW DARE I DISCREDIT HIS DAUGHTER" I told him I wasn't discrediting her, I just thought it was a little funny that she has never had a problem telling on the kids any other time? What made this so different??? Well because now she is scared to talk to us, it started off as us, then later turned to just me. I terrify her were his words. I asked how I did that and he said all I had to do was look at her. How do I fix that?
After his 24hr silent treatment last night I asked him if he thought things would just get better if he ignored them. The war was on.... he went on a rant about how I do this and I do that but when I asked him if he thought we should get a divorce he says no because he loves me. To me, that word has become just a word. There is no thought behind it, no actions in it. He asked if I wanted to and I told him I wasn't sure anymore? I honestly think he just wants me here so he isn't alone. I've already gotten the "if you leave, I'll drink" threat. That doesn't scare me. I know in my heart if it's what he wants to do, he will do it no matter where I am. I told him I didn't think I could go on this trip with him because I seen no point in celebrating our relationship which hurt his feelings. I'm sure it did, it hurts mine. Then my xanax kicked in and I slept for the first time in weeks. It was wonderful to wake up in a pool of my own slobber.
Thinking long and hard is a nasty habit I have. Sometimes I think too much! I wonder if it doesn't hinder me more than it does good? I have a hard time making decisions and even harder time letting go. The thing with the kids is what bothers me most. He has intentionally hurt their feelings (telling them we were moving out when he knew I was only considering doing it after school was out because I didn't want it to disrupt their grades) just to stab me and that to me is unacceptable. He hasn't even apologized to them or me. I asked him to talk to my daughter 3 days ago after she asked me if he still cared about her and he still hasn't done it. The smart ass remarks and comments he's making to his daughter is so freaking childish and makes me resent him even more.
The part I am fighting with is how am I supposed to get things back on track if he is just stirring up more crap? Why should I even bother? Maybe it was a mistake, I don't know anymore. I do know Im tired of trying to hold everyone together when it seems all everyone wants is to be alone. He can tell me every day of the week that he wants me to stay but he never shows me that....
When we first got together my step daughter adored me, I've always done things with the kids that her parents never took the time to do. She constantly told me how much she loved me and it seemed we all blended very nicely. I started noticing a difference in her a few months ago and even talked to my husband about it. Whining because she wants to be alone, crying because one of the kids is sitting next to her, constantly coming to tell us on someone's sheer existence is bothering her. I thought maybe she was having problems at her moms, who lives with her parents, two siblings and a niece and nephew. I asked my husband to talk to her but he never did. She has always been a little rude to my children when she comes from her moms, gloating about all they toys her mom just bought for her or the movies she got to go see to the point that we had to ask her mom several times to stop dropping her off with the toys she bought her on the way over. The problem I have with that is that we don't do those things for the kids, we aren't made of money and I prefer the kids appreciate the things they get, not throw a fit and expect them but when we do things for the children it always revolves around his daughter being here. We never did anything outside of her week with us. Which really bothers my eldest (12).
The weekend before this last drama happened was my 6yr olds birthday. My step daughter told my husband (who was in rehab during her bday) that her party wasn't special, which really hurt my feelings because I busted my butt to try to make her happy. Instead of being excited she cried because she didn't get the same decorations and pouted all day/night because she didn't have any of the toys my daughter had. Never once mentioned any of the accusations she made to her mom 3 days later. That's why I wondered if it wasn't for attention. If she goes to her mom and tells her she got her feelings hurt, mom automatically runs out to buy her whatever she wants. When I brought my theory to my husbands attention he screamed at me "HOW DARE I DISCREDIT HIS DAUGHTER" I told him I wasn't discrediting her, I just thought it was a little funny that she has never had a problem telling on the kids any other time? What made this so different??? Well because now she is scared to talk to us, it started off as us, then later turned to just me. I terrify her were his words. I asked how I did that and he said all I had to do was look at her. How do I fix that?
After his 24hr silent treatment last night I asked him if he thought things would just get better if he ignored them. The war was on.... he went on a rant about how I do this and I do that but when I asked him if he thought we should get a divorce he says no because he loves me. To me, that word has become just a word. There is no thought behind it, no actions in it. He asked if I wanted to and I told him I wasn't sure anymore? I honestly think he just wants me here so he isn't alone. I've already gotten the "if you leave, I'll drink" threat. That doesn't scare me. I know in my heart if it's what he wants to do, he will do it no matter where I am. I told him I didn't think I could go on this trip with him because I seen no point in celebrating our relationship which hurt his feelings. I'm sure it did, it hurts mine. Then my xanax kicked in and I slept for the first time in weeks. It was wonderful to wake up in a pool of my own slobber.
Thinking long and hard is a nasty habit I have. Sometimes I think too much! I wonder if it doesn't hinder me more than it does good? I have a hard time making decisions and even harder time letting go. The thing with the kids is what bothers me most. He has intentionally hurt their feelings (telling them we were moving out when he knew I was only considering doing it after school was out because I didn't want it to disrupt their grades) just to stab me and that to me is unacceptable. He hasn't even apologized to them or me. I asked him to talk to my daughter 3 days ago after she asked me if he still cared about her and he still hasn't done it. The smart ass remarks and comments he's making to his daughter is so freaking childish and makes me resent him even more.
The part I am fighting with is how am I supposed to get things back on track if he is just stirring up more crap? Why should I even bother? Maybe it was a mistake, I don't know anymore. I do know Im tired of trying to hold everyone together when it seems all everyone wants is to be alone. He can tell me every day of the week that he wants me to stay but he never shows me that....
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
Maybe it is time for you to find a therapist specializing in addiction, who has a
'sliding scale' for fees, FOR YOU and do some real soul searching.
The reason I say this is because, he has been to rehab, there is no alcohol in
his system and HE IS TELLING YOU AND SHOWING WHO HE IS, believe him.
You have to decide if this is how you want to live and have your children until
adulthood,for the rest of your life.
Love and hugs,
'sliding scale' for fees, FOR YOU and do some real soul searching.
The reason I say this is because, he has been to rehab, there is no alcohol in
his system and HE IS TELLING YOU AND SHOWING WHO HE IS, believe him.
You have to decide if this is how you want to live and have your children until
adulthood,for the rest of your life.
Love and hugs,
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Southwest
Posts: 1,207
I think you are very, very insightful.
I am a diehard believer in marriage. It's forever blah blah blah. I wanted more than anything for my kids to have an intact home and two parents who love them.
But I couldn't have that with the AH I had. It was impossible.
And once he started playing games with my kids and their emotions and love for me (yes, he is their dad), I knew I had to get out. I didn't know how. So I started detaching and setting cash aside. I stopped playing into his temper tantrums.
Finally he became so angry with my boundaries and non-participation in his narcissistic games that HE left.
I will NEVER NEVER NEVER allow anyone to play games with my children's hearts again. NEVER.
Marriage or no marriage. NEVER. It is far too damaging and it is my job to protect their childhood. I take it very seriously. It sounds like you do too.
It can be hard to admit you were deceived and made a mistake. But it would be even worse to stay there once you had realized it.
I am a diehard believer in marriage. It's forever blah blah blah. I wanted more than anything for my kids to have an intact home and two parents who love them.
But I couldn't have that with the AH I had. It was impossible.
And once he started playing games with my kids and their emotions and love for me (yes, he is their dad), I knew I had to get out. I didn't know how. So I started detaching and setting cash aside. I stopped playing into his temper tantrums.
Finally he became so angry with my boundaries and non-participation in his narcissistic games that HE left.
I will NEVER NEVER NEVER allow anyone to play games with my children's hearts again. NEVER.
Marriage or no marriage. NEVER. It is far too damaging and it is my job to protect their childhood. I take it very seriously. It sounds like you do too.
It can be hard to admit you were deceived and made a mistake. But it would be even worse to stay there once you had realized it.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
I'm not finding much here that I would advise its worth it in fact being such a new marriage .......might be time to throw in the towel.
Someone who makes the statement "if you leave I will drink" has not embraced the 12 steps. He says he loves you and doesn't want to split yet you dont' get along, often don't talk, the tension in your house is overwhelming, and I don't see any efforts that he has made in improving the relationship. Sounds like he is making it worse.
You have been through a lot with this man - aside from the alcohol, he got you to move there under false pretenses, the house went into foreclosure, you found out he was cheating on you, you found out he is an alcoholic, you have had to manage the money to keep him from spending it, all in one year. Now your children are being exposed to this.
He sounds very pathological to me. No I don't believe I would be taking that trip. You have already stated you can't afford it.
The part I am fighting with is how am I supposed to get things back on track if he is just stirring up more crap?
You use the wrong adverb here. Its not "how am I supposed to get things back on track".
Perhaps the question should be "Why am I supposed to get things back on track"
Why indeed. Why would you put any efforts into this situation? He isn't participating in anyway to improve the marriage. I am sorry I don't care if he was drunk or not beginning a marriage based on lies is THE BIGGEST RED FLAG there is.
You deserve better than this.
Someone who makes the statement "if you leave I will drink" has not embraced the 12 steps. He says he loves you and doesn't want to split yet you dont' get along, often don't talk, the tension in your house is overwhelming, and I don't see any efforts that he has made in improving the relationship. Sounds like he is making it worse.
You have been through a lot with this man - aside from the alcohol, he got you to move there under false pretenses, the house went into foreclosure, you found out he was cheating on you, you found out he is an alcoholic, you have had to manage the money to keep him from spending it, all in one year. Now your children are being exposed to this.
He sounds very pathological to me. No I don't believe I would be taking that trip. You have already stated you can't afford it.
The part I am fighting with is how am I supposed to get things back on track if he is just stirring up more crap?
You use the wrong adverb here. Its not "how am I supposed to get things back on track".
Perhaps the question should be "Why am I supposed to get things back on track"
Why indeed. Why would you put any efforts into this situation? He isn't participating in anyway to improve the marriage. I am sorry I don't care if he was drunk or not beginning a marriage based on lies is THE BIGGEST RED FLAG there is.
You deserve better than this.
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