FallenAngel22

This was meant to be the year I finally became the person I know I can be.

Sober, dependable, strong and conscious.

I'm sick of being lazy. I'm embarrassed with how pathetic I have become. My life is a mess. My grades suck, my health is degenerating and my standards are so low I wonder how God could ever forgive me.

This is not how I always used to be. Oh man, back when I was in junior high school my life was great. I was sociable but still kept my academic goals a priority. I had dreams and ambitions and passion and faith in myself.

I've become a failure. I've been on academic probation since I was eighteen. I remember being admitted to the highest maths class in high school, I remember being elected for student council, I remember when my English teacher told me I should apply to Columbia. But now all I have are my memories. Memories that remind me of how far I have fallen. How goddamn far.

And I cling onto religion for my salvation but I know it really all comes down to me. Me and the choices I make.

I'm twenty two years old! I'm not a teenager anymore! I'm an adult! And I'm not doing a very good job at acting like one.

So please, to anyone who is reading this, please give me your advice, your opinion or any comment to help me in striving towards my goals.

I need to stop smoking weed! Permanently.

daisy1

you are an adult yes but still a very young one - you have time to re-sit exams and succeed in life - is it the weed that has made you lose all your motivation? you are being very hard on yourself - one thing I have learned is yes, ditch the self-pity and the 'why me?!'......but I am learning to treasure myself, eat and sleep well, love and pamper myself.
You have religion - a few weeks ago I woke up drunk and terrified and shouted out to god to help me - and I am a very lapsed catholic. All I can say is, my prayer was answered xxx

Richierich777

You have the ability to pass all of these courses. You wanted it back in high school and you lost "IT" now. You need to get "it" back. I set a goal for myself when I was in the military and going to school full time. I would take it serious. I retired from the military and graduated college was a 3.89 in Computer Information Systems. Also at the same time got married and had two kids. Stress was there but I wanted 'it' bad. I would take it serious and go to work, to college, study, study.. I did not make time to drink and play. I had fun with my family but I pushed everything else away. You can do it and when I was in high school I did not do so well. Again get angry, get mad, and get back to 'it'.

least

What kind of support system do you have going for you? Friends, family? Are you still in school? If so, ask their human resources department about counseling options.

I'm glad you found us. You'll find a lot of support here.

Mizzuno

You are 22 years old. Yes, you are an adult. Your just getting into the adult life, so cut yourself a little bit of slack here. Give school all that you can. Just take it one day at a time. If you are unhappy with what you are presenting to the world, you got to make the change. THat is what we all are doing. That is why we are on this forum. Do you think that heading on down to your local church might help?
We are all here for you . Please keep posting.

Anna

I understand that you are really disappointed in yourself and what has become of your life. But, you can make changes and become the person you want to be. You can have goals again. Are you ready to make the decision to stop smoking weed?

FallenAngel22

Hey Daisy,

Thanks so much for taking your time to read and comment!!

I do think it was the weed that made me lose my motivation. The first time I smoked weed I was just thirteen years old. Because of my (former) enthusiastic nature, I got a lot of my friends to try it to. So, in the 9th and 10th grade I was busy getting high during break and lunch times. But incredibly enough my grades were still pretty kick ass. But of course in the beginning it's all fun and games.

A lot of laughing, singing, smiling and general tripping. But I think the thing with weed is after a while the happiness goes away and a general haze of relaxation and like a distance from reality sets in. Eventually that evolves into a numb like dreaminess and before you know it, you can't get high anymore and you're smoking just to keep what little you have left together.

So yeah, I lost my motivation to fight. Life is just one big fight, no? You're fighting for your family, you're fighting for your beliefs, you're fighting against the odds, for survival. And weed just makes you think heyyyyyyyy why fight? I can just chillllllll and everything's going to be alright... pfffff. It like transforms your reality into a funny experience that you would rather observe than participate in.

In the long term, I've learnt that nothing good can come out of smoking weed. Yes it's just a plant, yes it's legal in certain places in the world and yes even the likes of Obama have tried it. But damnit it should be exposed for its true nature. Deceptive and destructive.

Just so you know I literally spent the whole day at church today So here's to a brighter more God filled future!! For me...and for you xxxxxx

FallenAngel22

Dear Richierich,

I admire your focus and discipline. Military, college and family man! You're invaluable! Like you said, I just have to do it. Thanks for sharing your personal experience. It kind of ignited my competitive side

I'll definitely make more time for studies and family and much much less for leisure and pleasure. When I think of all the money and time I have wasted, and of all the things I could have done instead, my head spins! But I'll stop wallowing in the past and just get to the future. Get 'it' back! Thanks again for the advice. Cheers.

FallenAngel22

Dear Least,

I really like your Albert Camus quote. Talk about a little oil to get the engine going! I do have a support system now that I have made more effort to get back to church. I've made some good friends and met some really warm hearted people.

There is no counseling service at my university (yes I'm still at school) but I do see a psychologist two or three times a month. That helps because I get to vent my problems but I'm unfortunately quite suspicious about psychology, psychiatry and any study that intends on defining the human mind. So I take everything she says with a grain of salt. Or two.

And now I have you guys!! I'm really content

FallenAngel22

Dear Mizzuno,

Yes! Going to my church does help!! I have actually just joined the choir. So I think I'm making a step in the right direction.

Sorry if I sound hard on myself. I actually think it's quite the opposite! By twenty two I should be in my first year for a masters program, instead I'm still in first year of a bachelors. It's this massive delay that kills me. I wasted so much of my father's money!!!!! Thank God he is the most merciful and forgiving man I know. So he still believes I can do it. A lot of parents would have just stopped paying after years and years of disastrous mediocrity. I mean, American universities are not cheap! So yeah, I feel really guilty and ashamed a lot of the time. And it's that shame and guilt that makes me keep underestimating myself. So instead of facing reality, I'll literally hide from it. Won't answer my phone, won't go to class, won't even go out on the weekend. Just a lot of bed bumming, eating and youtubing. And smoking weed!!

But I've made the decision to stop (for the umpteenth time) so do please pray for me

FallenAngel22

Dear Anna,

I made the decision to stop smoking weed on the 29th of December but relapsed for the last month or so. I've renewed my resolution however so yes, I've made the decision to stop smoking weed. And cigarettes. And sorry I should have mentioned this earlier but I've experimented a lot with other drugs. Ecstasy and cocaine.

I have to admit my determination to quit E and coke is less strong than weed and cigarettes... which is something I have to work on...