Scared for the future

Old 04-03-2013, 02:33 PM
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Scared for the future

Hi, new to these forums, they seem such a great source of guidance and help.

I've been in a relationship with an AGF for nearly four years. We have a beautiful 2-year-old son and are in the final throws of buying a house together.

However, she binge drinks to the point of complete incapacity which could last for a couple of weeks of complete destruction. She stays in bed all day, in and out of consciousness, only able to stagger outside for a cigarette or go for a pee. She doesn't eat anything the whole time. Most of the time it culminates in a hospital visit to 'detox' although they are getting stricter on admitting her nowadays and it costs us a fortune to have her stay in a clinic for a few days to detox instead.

She did go over a year without drinking but more recently she has been drinking more frequently and it's starting to affect us more and more as a family. My business needs me to sometimes stay away for a few days which means she is often left alone with our son at home. She often uses this time to drink in the evenings but sometimes it spills over into the following day and then spirals out of control, meaning I have to put my customers on hold and take my son out of the equation, staying with relatives most of the time until she sorts herself out. There is simply no way she is capable of looking after anyone when she's on it.

She did have a couple of binges when pregnant that most probably led to our son being born with a cleft lip and gum. He will have to undergo operations for the rest of his life to correct the problems he now has. Otherwise he is the most amazing little boy, full of love and joy and when she is sober she is the most amazing mum he could have.

However, with the more frequent binges I am becoming increasingly worried for the future of our family. Income-wise, when I have to drop everything during one of her binges I seriously hurt my customer-relations meaning that there is a significant chance of losing them and hitting our family income, losing our home, etc. More worrying for me is that if I'm working away and she gets on it then I have to try to get back home before she gets too bad and take our son away until we/she sorts herself out. Just today I returned home to find her drunk and found out she had been out driving with our son in the car, which she hasn't done before now.

The most important thing for me is the safety and well-being of our son. If I could get out of the relationship and take him with me I would, but it's never that easy. Work-wise I don't particularly mind about my business and could drop it to find something that fits around caring for my little one. But she is a very strong and determined woman when sober and her blind determination sometimes scares the living **** out of me. She has also taken to violence when drunk too but not when sober, yet anyway. It would be very, very difficult to start separating and once she got wind that was what I wanted all hell would break lose.

One side of me hopes and prays that she'll see the light but the other side is probably a little saner and realises that unless she hits rock bottom it will carry on for years like this, which I can't ever see myself and our son coping with. I so don't know what to do and am scared of what the future holds for us.
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Old 04-03-2013, 02:57 PM
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Hi JayPeeDee,

Yes, SR is a good place for you to be.. There a lot of people here who have lived (or are living) situations like yours. I'm sure they will be along soon to give you better advice than I could.( I do not have a child with my XA.)

You sound pretty healthy to me; your little boy is lucky to have you. I think everything is going to be okay for you both.

Welcome to SR!
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Old 04-03-2013, 03:04 PM
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Hi Jay, welcome.

The safety and well being of your son is your guide post here.

When we live with alcoholism, particually alcoholism that includes violence we are always in danger.

It doesn't matter that she may realize what she needs to in the future, what matters is the present and it sounds like you aw is a monster. I'm very sorry if you find that offensive, but she is a danger, to herself , to you, and more importantly your son.

Leaving your son home alone with a binge drinker is very dangerous.

Are you invoved in Al anon or counseling. You need support.


I'm sure others will be along to lend support. Please keep posting, glad you found us.

Katie
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Old 04-03-2013, 03:41 PM
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Thanks for your replies guys, I really appreciate all comments, experience and advice.

I'm not offended by any comments, they need to be direct to aid understanding I guess.

I've not been to Al Anon but have had some counselling, although not too recently. I need to get myself back on track after this current episode.

We are very lucky to have her parents live five minutes away and they had to cope with her binges for 10 years, so they understand pretty much what goes on and are always at home so in real urgent situations, especially if I'm not close by, they can step in pretty quick if things turn catastrophic, which they haven't ever done to date. My GF has so far been pretty conscious of what our son needs when she's on her own with him and manages to contain herself until I'm back from work, although she doesn't always completely abstain unless I'm not staying away which is 95% of the time.

The local social services are aware of our situation since I contacted them last year about it and although they aren't getting involved yet I will not hesitate to get in touch if there is ever a serious risk to our child. They are pretty quick to act when a small child is involved. Once these guys or the police starting to get involved things may deteriorate so it's not something I really want to do keenly unless it must happen. It's just that I don't know if we're at that stage right now and I need to separate for our son's sake.
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Old 04-03-2013, 04:05 PM
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Dear JayPeeDee, when things turn "catastrophic" with a small child, it is often too late to turn back the clock. Your child is always in danger when he is left with her, as one can never trust an active alcoholic---she can't even trust herself.

I encourage you to make some changes for your son's sake immediately. I would n ever want you to suffer the pain of loosing a child--or having one maimed---when it can be prevented. You would have to live with that pain forever.

If you are willing to separate--as you mentioned above--the time is now. Luckily, you have the help of family.

I am speaking so bluntly because I believe that the welfare of your very vulnerable son is in imminent danger. Please do not take my statements as a personal criticism---they are not meant as such. I am trying to be supportive of you.

sincerely, dandylion
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Old 04-03-2013, 04:14 PM
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Welcome to SR
Lots of support here for you.
I don't think your son is safe at all with your wife.
Yes you can call on others for help in an emergency but the fact you found out she had been drink driving with your son in the car without your knowledge is proof he shouldn't be in her care in the first place.
I would definitely recommend making changes NOW to ensure your son's safety.
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Old 04-03-2013, 04:21 PM
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Welcome to the SR Family!

My, you do have your hands full!

I'm sorry for the situation, but glad you are here.

Have you spoken with a legal counselor about what your options are for legally leaving the relationship with your son? I'm sure you and your counselor could get records, bills, receipts from her many hospital and clinical detox's. Get all the paperwork together (do not tell her your plans), and then make a quick exit.

We are all concerned for you in this situation, but I am greatly concerned about the young child who is powerless to remove himself from danger.

You mentioned she has not driven drunk with your son in the car until one recent event. How do you know that for sure?

Alcoholics are skilled at twisting the truth, manipulating, denying, lying, minimizing, and justifying their behavior. It's all a load of alcoholic BS! We refer to it as quacking.

Stick around, we care about you.
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Old 04-03-2013, 05:31 PM
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You won't hesitate to contact social services if there is a serious risk to your child? Your AGF drove drunk with him in the car. Is that not serious enough? It only gets more serious when she actually has a car accident.....pleeeeez don't wait for that.

You are not stuck in this mess. She is your GF, not your wife correct? You can still back out of the house, don't tie yourself to her any more than you are. Take that child and run for the hills. Get him to safety, and protect him. This is a progressive disease. She is already decompensating according to your post. However bad it is now, it's going to get worse. So the fact that it hasn't turned catastrophic "to date" doesn't mean anything. It's not her parents job to protect your son....it's your job. Read on here about the suffering adult children of alcoholics deal with throughout their lives from living with this chaos. He's 2, it's not too late to save him. You can not save her, but you can save him.
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Old 04-04-2013, 06:49 AM
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Originally Posted by Recovering2 View Post
You won't hesitate to contact social services if there is a serious risk to your child? Your AGF drove drunk with him in the car. Is that not serious enough? It only gets more serious when she actually has a car accident.....pleeeeez don't wait for that.

You are not stuck in this mess. She is your GF, not your wife correct? You can still back out of the house, don't tie yourself to her any more than you are. Take that child and run for the hills. Get him to safety, and protect him. This is a progressive disease. She is already decompensating according to your post. However bad it is now, it's going to get worse. So the fact that it hasn't turned catastrophic "to date" doesn't mean anything. It's not her parents job to protect your son....it's your job. Read on here about the suffering adult children of alcoholics deal with throughout their lives from living with this chaos. He's 2, it's not too late to save him. You can not save her, but you can save him.
Ditto to everyone but especially this post from Recovering2. One unfortunate thing I have learned from talking with other spouses/families of recovering alcoholics is that many times everything is OK until the day when it just isn't & never will be again.... that it didn't feel like it was too late until it was TOO LATE.

Another helpful thing for you right now might be to document, document, document every single thing that you can that proves your son needs to stay in your custody. Separate your finances as much as possible & work on an emergency fund in case it becomes necessary. If you expect her to fight viciously then use your time wisely now to prepare in case it comes to that.

I'm not telling you to leave or that it's your only option, but I don't think there's anything wrong with taking precautions in the face of severe addiction. It sounds like she's very aware she has a problem but doesn't want to or isn't ready to take the steps necessary to live a sober life, which is her decision to make. You just have to decide if that is tolerable for you & your child.

I hope you keep reading, there is a wealth of information & shared experiences here at SR!
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Old 04-05-2013, 10:14 AM
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Originally Posted by Pelican View Post
Welcome to the SR Family!

My, you do have your hands full!

I'm sorry for the situation, but glad you are here.

Have you spoken with a legal counselor about what your options are for legally leaving the relationship with your son? I'm sure you and your counselor could get records, bills, receipts from her many hospital and clinical detox's. Get all the paperwork together (do not tell her your plans), and then make a quick exit.

We are all concerned for you in this situation, but I am greatly concerned about the young child who is powerless to remove himself from danger.

You mentioned she has not driven drunk with your son in the car until one recent event. How do you know that for sure?

Alcoholics are skilled at twisting the truth, manipulating, denying, lying, minimizing, and justifying their behavior. It's all a load of alcoholic BS! We refer to it as quacking.

Stick around, we care about you.
I'm pretty sure she's only driven with him once when drunk, ever since I've been with her I've never known her to drink/drive, she always got taxis to bring her vodka instead of drive places. But I can't 100% rule it out.

I've got an appointment to see a lawyer next week. As I have legal 'parental responsibility' I can walk away with my son legally as both parents have equal rights (in the UK).

Currently I am at my mother's home with my son and my AGF is at our home comatose. I don't know if we're going back yet or not...
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Old 04-05-2013, 10:21 AM
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Originally Posted by JayPeeDee View Post
I don't know if we're going back yet or not...
Take care of the kid.

Mirror check? Really. Go Look In A Mirror. NOW.

Drunk chick aint the problem.

Take care of the kid.

You need do nothing more; you should do nothing less.
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Old 04-05-2013, 11:28 AM
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"Until she sorts herself out?"

I understand you would not be here, if you did not realize there is a problem, but she simply CANNOT "sort herself out." Addiction is a very complex disease. do not think for one minute that the child comes first in her mind. As long as she is actively drinking, booze is the # 1 priority of her life.

Please, please, please, seek immediate SAFE child care for your precious little one. She is currently unfit to provide for her own child. She cannot be trusted to meet the child's needs and everytime you leave that child in her care you are playing a game of russian roulette.

We are here for you.
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