thislonelygirl

I totally over react.
I guess i need more alanon then i would like to admit maybe even couples and seperate counseling. I completely freaked out last night and today because of ah being gone like he has....alot of things came to my head. I called him out on it. he told me what he did while out....i either didnt buy it or turned it into something else then today after mine and his head butting we had a calm talk about everything and he apologized said he has alot on his plate and hes going to see if his medication is only making it worse so he may switch to something else. i dont know why i acted the way i did after all last night when he came home i looked in his cell (I know invasion of privacy bla ) but i needed to know and all there was were calls to friends/family/doctor/ and shrink and i calmed and said "oh hey hes actually reaching out and doing what he says" and then today....i dont know why but i freaked again.
I guess im having some serious anxiety and co dependancy issues so i guess its good that im visiting with friends and family for awhile because I need the break.

SparkleKitty

I don't think you should blame yourself for freaking out a bit when he's had you up, down, and sideways over so many things the last few weeks -- maybe he's leaving, maybe it's the medication, etc. It has sounded like you are waiting on a lot of info/decisions from him. Nothing can make your life feel more off balance than depending so heavily on others to determine your future, both immediate and long term. I hope some time away can help restore you to a more balanced place, both for you and your kids.

(((hugs)))

neferkamichael

Thislonelygirl, you are FANTASTIC.

Katiekate

Please don't beat yourself up.

This is the result of living in chaos , it happened to me as well.

I'm much better now, because I am not always on the defensive, afraid, watching my back, trying to figure out what someone else is doing.

You are in the process of growing, it's so painful.

xo

AnvilheadII

it's a very normal but out of context feeling when they start acting in a sane responsible fashion that we freak out. cuz it's not our NORMAL. we were uncomfortably resigned to the whole disappearing act, gone for hours, can't be reached by phone, etc etc, that we are ill-equipped in how to react when none of that happens.

i remember the first time post-crack when hank withdrew $60 from the bank - i freaked, oh god, oh sh*t there he goes. nope, turns out he just needed some cash. i was giving poor Hello-Kitty an earful - WHY did he have to get $60 out, why not $35, or $43.50?? and she calmly reminded me the ATM only dispenses in increments of $20!

this is new territory for both of you. you have "earned" the right to keep your guard up and be less than blindly trusting. and you seem to be doing well at owning up to your own stuff.

thislonelygirl

thanks. yall are right. there is a reason and a good one for me freaking out. its understandable and sparkle kitty what you said about me waiting around on him....so true. I really need to get a grip on how im feeling and how the relationship is having me feel. I cannot look at him like i have been or waiting on him to make me feel better..
its within my power to make ME happy. not his. I thought i was making real progress and i realize that its only been in increments slowly and not as much as i had believed.
Im glad im not at home and staying elsewhere. Its frustrating that it comes to that but i feel like ive lost myself. i need to take control over my life.

LifeRecovery

Needing more support does not make you weak, crazy or indifferent.

I just want to normalize that for you.

I was doing my own counseling for years when I finally started to deal with the disease of alcoholism in my life. I then did couples counseling (and when he left I continued to do it alone for a bit), I did Al-Anon etc.

I am down to individual counseling and Al-Anon about once a week, but it took me some time to get there.

Asking for and getting help in my opinion is a sign of health. Staying in the crazymaking place that I was in....was not.

CAgirl9

thislonelygirl please don't beat yourself up about this. At my Al Anon meeting yesterday we talked about perfectionism and it reminds me I can't do everything perfect all the time. Just remembering that took a lot of pressure off of me. I realized it's okay to make mistakes - use those moments as opportunities to grow and learn. Someone mentioned Post It notes were a mistake - pretty cool huh?
Living with alcoholism is crazy and it makes us crazy. I'm finally starting to get that I need to focus on me. I catch myself wondering who RAH is calling or what he's doing and I need to bring it back to me. Saturday I had a crazy moment with DD - I quickly realized what I did and apologized but I think the behavior becomes habit because of the craziness of alcoholism.
You have a lot on your plate and it sounds like you are doing a GREAT job dealing with everything. Sending hugs and take it easy on yourself!!!