Crazed

The snakes are crawling in my head. I have not spoken to EXAG since she got arrested on Sunday (I still have her, and the jail, blocked). But I have received numerous calls from her employer, her family members, her attorney, etc. She has no bond, so will not be getting out of jail anytime soon. Her 16 and 18 year old kids moved out of her apartment yesterday. She has been terminated from her 15yr 6-figure VP job. They are at least allowing her to "resign for health reasons." Attorney is trying to get her moved from jail to treatment facility. She will most likely be losing her license for life, with no possibility of hardship license for 5 years.

For those of you that are new here, my EXAG managed to keep the house of cards standing for many many years. She was (still is) beautiful, successful at work, has two beautiful thriving kids, and had nice things in her life. She is an alcoholic that managed to still function for many many years (active in AA, recovery, etc. but never really sober). From Nov to now, she has thrown so much of this away. Without an income, she will continue to lose more. And if she has the chance, I am afraid she will lose her life.

Why is it I want to wrap my arms around her, tell her things will be ok, and help see her through this? I think I would scratch a check and send her to Betty Ford. I would let her live with me, and drive her to where she needs to go to help her get back on her feet. I can't sleep at night, knowing how scared and alone she must feel. I want to set up an account for her in jail so she can make calls (not collect). I want to make sure her bills get paid. I even want to write her resignation letter so it looks professional and is not on prison paper. But I won't do any of this. Fortunately (and ironically) her EX husbands wife has fallen into the codependency role that I would have. She is taking care of the bills, etc.

Why is it my compassion for another human being that is suffering needs to be termed as codependency? Why can't I let her to go and do her own thing, which at this point I believe would be to die?

God I miss my friend and I hate this disease. And how I want so bad to help her and be there for/with her.

Crazed

I have an appointment with a therapist on Friday, and continue to go to Alanon.

AnvilheadII

Why is it my compassion for another human being that is suffering needs to be termed as codependency?

because compassion still knows where you end and the other begins.
compassion has the desire to assuage the suffering of others, not take them hostage, control their lives and force them to live their lives the way WE want them to.

this is HER chosen path. right or wrong good or bad. she's lost that killer job, she virtually abandoned her children, her frickin' ex husband's WIFE is paying her bills. she doesn't need a hug, she needs a swift kick in the behind! she's not some helpless little thing...she's a full grown adult woman who has had CHANCE after CHANCE, and still ended up HERE. she's made a joke of compassion and second chances.

i feel sorry for her children. i bet they need a hug. they have a drunk for mom who forgot her responsibilities and obligations as a parent.

Crazed

Thanks anvil. My pendulum swings to that side as well. Sadness to anger, over and over. Today is a compassion day.

Oh... For clarification, Ex-husband's wife is "facilitating the bill paying transactions." All payments are made from EX's accounts. She is not shirking financial responsibility (she has always been financially independent and at least financially responsible). She just can't write checks/transfer funds from jail.

Tuffgirl

Crazed, take off your suit of shining armor. She needs a lawyer, rehab, and a good therapist, not a knight to rescue her.

She needs these consequences. Let her have them. It doesn't have to be forever. Just for today, let her have her self inflicted consequences.

Katiekate

She is an alcoholic that managed to still function for many many years (active in AA, recovery, etc. but never really sober).

She is an alcoholic that is suffering the consequences of her actions.

If you intervene she has no chance. This is her wake up call.

It's her choice to make.

Recovering2

You can choose not to except all those extraneous phone calls. You are not in charge of her. Refer all calls to her attorney, that's their job. Step out of it. Not once in your post do you mention YOU. You talk about all the things you want to do for her. What do you want to do for YOUR health and sanity? When do YOU matter? She has chosen this path for herself, get out of the way and let her experience what this path means.

Crazed

My fatalistic mind wonders how it can not. If I lost my family, my career, my transportation, the support and love of the ones around me- I would have nothing. I would lose my will to live. I would want to die. I believe this is how she thinks (By her own admission, she drinks to mask all of her pain, and the drinking causes more pain, which needs more masking, i.e. the vicious cycle).

If I were in her shoes and got out of jail, I would probably want to mask and drink myself to death now more than ever before. If she couldn't do it with all of the positive things in her life, how can she do it with nothing in her life?

redatlanta

I have compassion for people as well - those that are in situations that can't help themselves. Like the recent Docmentary on HBO about the homeless in Oregon. Job loss, Home loss, no water, no electricity, no food. Parents not eating so their children can. Relentlessly searching for jobs that don't exist and that 500 other people want. Those are people I cry for.

As for someone like her who has it all- I don't. Chance after chance after chance.....she blew it all to hell. Her compassion meter expired a long time ago.

It was her decision. Its sad, that's for sure - but dude if you reach out an help her out of this one again you should be put in jail too. As they say "allow her the dignity to make choices in her life". I will say a prayer tonight that FINALLY, finally, this is her bottom.

Crazed

Because I feel like I would take a bullet for her if I knew it would make her healthy. (perhaps the bullet could be to a non-vital organ)

I am not trying to enter martyrdom. I know I will survive and get through this. I am in pain now, and have been for awhile, but I will get through this. Based on her history and her path, I do not think she will.

Crazed

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. I have been praying too, for months. It hasn't been working.

LexieCat

Here is a quote from the Big Book, describing the alcoholic, right before he quits drinking: "He cannot picture life without alcohol. Some day he will be unable to imagine life either with alcohol or without is. Then he will know loneliness such as few do. He will be at the jumping-off place. He will wish for the end." Alcoholics Anonymous, First Ed., p. 152.

THAT is the mindset necessary for recovery. Between a rock and a hard place.

You can comfort yourself that you would be willing to do those things, IF ONLY IT WOULD HELP. But it doesn't--it doesn't help her, and it doesn't help you.

Rosiepetal

So sorry for your hurt.
It's not easy at all but she needs to find sobriety on her own.
You can't control her.
It hurts because you are a caring loving person.
Sucks I know.
Hugs to you.

Seren

Hello Crazed,

It's always such a tragedy when an active alcoholic's life comes to this. But based on what you have described of your ex's behavior in the past, I'm not particularly surprised.

Well, I realize you care about her, but the one missing piece here is that it would not help her--it would not make her healthy. You could give up your job, take care of her children, visit her in jail or rehab, facilitate paying all her bills, work yourself into a frenzy of caretaking activity. None of this is going to actually help her.

In my world, the definition of love is doing good for the beloved. This means that you do what is best for the other person regardless of whether it answers to your happiness or not. I realize not having her in your life does not make you happy. In fact, it makes you quite sad, and that is understandable. However (please don't take this as a personal insult), you are not what and who she needs right now to get better. I love my stepson, but I am the LAST person he needs in his day-to-day life in order for him to recover.

Your ex, her family, and you will continue to be in my prayers. And God's plans are not your plans. Perhaps it's time to step out of the way and let him handle this.

Please, please take good care of yourself.

Crazed

Thank you all. I know I am hard-headed. I need to come back here and read this every day for strength. I hope one day she will find sobriety and peace. And I hope I will find serenity - with or without her.

AnvilheadII

if I screwed up and thus lost my job, racked up multiple violations, my children had to go elsewhere and I was behind on my bills - do you know who would bail ME out?

no one. I've been on my own and making a go of it since my mom kicked me out at 19. and THANK GOD FOR THAT. because I knew that every choice I made good OR bad was on ME. no knights in shining armour, no dedicated enabling family members, no one.

when my daughter was 3 and I lived with the "evil" bf and I got way too caught up in drugs and we ended up getting evicted....I was on my own. I had to suck it up, call my ex, my daughter's dad, and tell him I was in between housing assignments and he'd have to keep the baby til I was back on my feet. that was my touchstone...I didn't have a HOME for my daughter. by my own foolish stupid selfish choices i'd lost the ability to provide for her.

nobody bailed me out. I had to get myself back on my feet and move forward. I HAD to get re-established and provide a home for my child. with my ex's help in co-parenting she was provided with the best private school education we could afford, all the way thru high school, then off to Loyola Marymount for a double major and a minor, *** laude. I learned a valuable life lesson - that what I do has consequences.

in fact i'm still financially responsible for two years of her high priced Jesuit university education....so was her dad, but he died of cancer about 8 years ago, so his "estate" paid off one year and my daughter is responsible for the other year.

Hammer

Forget the bytch.

If you want to do something helpful . . . .

Get the kids to Alateen.

They need help.

And you to Alanon.

You need help, too.

Not trying to be harsh, but somebody has gotta speak real to you.

Crazed

Unnecessary and unhelpful.

I do believe that alcoholism is a disease. I have seen her try for years to quit, but not succeed. I am going to Alanon, and have been for months. I tried unsuccessfully to get the kids to go to Alateen. They will not, as they have a negative opinion of AA, They have watched their mother go for years, only to ultimately relapse and never achieve any long-term sobriety. We have perhaps been lucky in that they are currently thriving in academics, sports and social life (16 and 18 yrs old). No evidence of alcohol/drug use, acting out, etc. But I am afraid for what may lie ahead.

Hammer

Yeah, I hear you, but she is dragging you and everyone around down.

There is no prize given for going down with the ship.

Sure. Most likely a brain hardware induced mental illness.

Like that changes anything.

Good for you.

They have probably moved on beyond her. Smart kids in that regard.


Have to tell you that Alanon does not track towards a spirit of fear.

Not dogging you on that, just saying.

You working the program, got a sponsor and all the rest?

What are they telling you?

soberlicious

What has she tried aside from AA? There are many other options. Has she explored them? A six figure salary certainly could have afforded her quite a bit of therapy with an addiction specialist.