petmagnet

I have a few questions for you and need feedback. My binge AH has a day or two a week where he's not drunk at night. A lot of those times time we have dinners or things scheduled with friends or business where they really have no idea as to the severity of our situation. He has become a master at hiding it. And appearing normal.

I feel disgusted when I go because a lot of times he'll have 1 beer or 1 glass of wine and behave, but then I know the next day(s) he's going to come home crocked at 1am. I feel like I should be able to see our couples friends and enjoy the company, but I also feel like if I go I am supporting "the lie" he's created. I don't want everyone and their dog to know either or be a killjoy by saying crap about him. (Our best friends do know he's been to rehab).

So how many of you still go to public events or social occasions with your binger/functioning A's? It's a tricky place to be because you don't want to look like your enabling or supporting a lie to him, but not appear as an unsupportive witch to the friends. I know if we are to be happy (meaning the spouses of) at all we can't shut off our lives completely.

This is one area that confounds me. If on Friday I meet the AH and Joe Shmoe for appetizers cuz that's where eveyone is...and of course all our old friends still drink-(not alcoholics) am I doing the wrong thing? I truly feel like I am the one with no life because I have stopped doing things w the AH, partly because I don't know what's right to do since his rehab and probably permanent relapse. I know this sounds weird. What do you guys do in these situations? Ideas? Maybe I am just being stupid.

AnvilheadII

what do YOU want to do?
what makes YOU feel best?
what can YOU live with?

dandylion

Dear Petmagnet, You speak of his rehab and "probably permanent relapse", and yet you say that he is not drunk "only one or two days a week". I am confused by this. It sounds like he is NOT in recovery as he is drinking many days every week. This sounds like active alcoholism. It also sounds like it is effecting your life significantly, at this time. You sound very troubled by it (understandably).

It is very probable that your friends and acquaintences already know about his drinking.

There is no "right" way to handle this.

You have i ndicated that your husbands drinking is a problem for you. You didn't cause it and you can't control it or fix it. (only he can).

I think the question that really matters is: What are you going to do?

sincerely, dandylion

LexieCat

I don't see how you are supporting a "lie" if you go out with him. If you enjoy the party, and the company, then go; if not, skip it. He will drink whether you accompany him or not--your going or not going has zero effect on whether he drinks the next day.

Recovering2

When my BF was still drinking, he did the same thing. We would meet friends out, and he would have a couple of glasses of wine. I hated it. I knew he would maintain until we got home, then get plastered. Finally, one evening, he knocked a glass of wine over on the dinner table while talking. I looked across the table at the couple we were out with, and I felt awful. I took the car keys from him when we left that night, and I told him that from now on when we went out it would be in separate cars. If he chose to drink, I could then leave. I would not support his public drinking any more, I would not be part of it. I was tired of putting myself in a stressful situation. And I kept that boundary. Actually, he quit drinking when out. I think he didn't want to be embarassed in front of friends. He still drank at home, but at least I didn't have to deal with it in front of friends and I could enjoy my time as well. Just how I handled it.

LexieCat

Actually, I did the same thing when I was drinking. If I was at an office-sponsored event, or a nice dinner or party, I would have my one or two drinks, and then go home and drink my brains out. I was living alone at that time, but I didn't want anyone to know about my drinking.

Once an alcoholic drinks ANY alcohol, the craving for "more" sets in, and not to have more is actually painful.

LifeRecovery

I did a similar car boundary first as Recovering2 shared.

For me that was when I got stressed and we would stop having a good time. If I choose to go I always drove seperately.

Eventually I stopped going, because it was just too hard for me. I was not enjoying it. I told my friends why. I don't know if that was appropriate or not.

marie1960

XA embraced every social event, work function, holiday, family gathering, as an excuse to drink. After all, he was just being "sociable". I think in his head, he viewed it as a "get out of jail free card" he was just having a good time, everyone was drinking, why would I single him out? That, was his denial.

My denial came in a different form. I was also living with the arriving home at 2 am hammered, the black outs, the endless arguments, his rage, his pity parties, his passing out in a chair with a lit cigarette. The loss of his career, the loss of his driver's license, and the list goes on and on.

i can only suggest you go forward and live YOUR life, you are not the one with an addiction problem. That is for him to decide.

choublak

It sounds like one big game of "let's pretend when we're out in public".

Alcoholism progresses, so it will get more and more difficult for him to hide it anyway.

petmagnet

Thanks for the responces, sorry I couldn't say so sooner. Busy couple of days... I have done the 2 cars thing as well. I just needed to hear that if I go out with him it doesn't necessarly mean I am supporting his drinking or playing into the lie. You're absolutely right when you say that my being there or not won't change the outcome. I might as well go if "I" feel like it. It's not for him that I am there, it's for me. Period.

choublak

This was one of the misconceptions I used to have about alcoholism. I thought alcoholics were always blatantly drunk. I didn't understand the drinking "normally" around others and then binging back home.

LifeRecovery

I also had to learn to leave for me when I wanted to, or not go if I wanted to not be there.

It was amazing what I did to try and keep the peace. I am not saying you are doing that, but I was.