justice?
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Michigan
Posts: 120
justice?
I find myself some what angry today! I want to know where is or when does "justice" come into play for all the hurtful, selfish, disrespectful things addicts do? When do they feel the consequences of their choices? I know that probably sounds afwal, but I m just at a place where I feel like while I struggle raising 2 sons alone and have worked on me and treated my addict ex with honesty, respect, kindness, forgiveness and love, he continues to use and abuse people. And escapes from the responsibilities of being a parent and treating people right.
I am just feeling a little angry and trying to process my feelings and not focus on things I can't change and what I can. I work a pretty good 12 step program and have made great strides in my life living a healthier life, healing, letting go etc.... not sure why I m feeling like he is just living any ole way he pleases crapping on everyone and the kids he fathered who are and have been basically fatherless just don't matter.
I know life is not fair and he is sick etc... I just don't see how there is any justice for his neglect and mistreatment? I know it seems I am focusing on him and perhaps I am to a degree but I just want for once for him to experience the consequences of his choices.
His aunt and mother give him money pay his bills while he works a job I got him and makes great money and not a dime goes to his children. He workks under the table so no child support.
I also feel angry for how forgiving and supportive I have been because it was all unappreciated. I feel used, taken advantage of and craped on. I feel foolish to for having hope and faith in a man and a love we once had. Believing it was real and some how it mattered to him and he cherished that as he says ovr and over "your the love of my life".
I know this too shall pass and I m going to a meeting which hopefully will help me have some clarity and let go of this frustration today!
I try to live by Gods principals and be angry and sin not, vengeance is mine sayth the lord, forgive, love, be kind and yet I find myself questioning where is the justice? When does he get to see and feel the reality of his wreckage? When does he face the music?
I am just feeling a little angry and trying to process my feelings and not focus on things I can't change and what I can. I work a pretty good 12 step program and have made great strides in my life living a healthier life, healing, letting go etc.... not sure why I m feeling like he is just living any ole way he pleases crapping on everyone and the kids he fathered who are and have been basically fatherless just don't matter.
I know life is not fair and he is sick etc... I just don't see how there is any justice for his neglect and mistreatment? I know it seems I am focusing on him and perhaps I am to a degree but I just want for once for him to experience the consequences of his choices.
His aunt and mother give him money pay his bills while he works a job I got him and makes great money and not a dime goes to his children. He workks under the table so no child support.
I also feel angry for how forgiving and supportive I have been because it was all unappreciated. I feel used, taken advantage of and craped on. I feel foolish to for having hope and faith in a man and a love we once had. Believing it was real and some how it mattered to him and he cherished that as he says ovr and over "your the love of my life".
I know this too shall pass and I m going to a meeting which hopefully will help me have some clarity and let go of this frustration today!
I try to live by Gods principals and be angry and sin not, vengeance is mine sayth the lord, forgive, love, be kind and yet I find myself questioning where is the justice? When does he get to see and feel the reality of his wreckage? When does he face the music?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Michigan
Posts: 120
I guess I just wonder when is he going to be held accountable for all his choices? When does the hurt and irresponsibility hit him because of his selfishness and choice to continue to use and abuse? He hides from his family that he has wronged and his children he abandoned and just keeps right on going with out a care in the world for the trail of destruction he leaves behind. No accountability and no consequences and I m angered by it!
It has helped letting this out now to let go right!
Focus on me! Give it to God! Boy do I have alot to surrender!
It has helped letting this out now to let go right!
Focus on me! Give it to God! Boy do I have alot to surrender!
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
I am sorry (((bunkie))) that you are feeling so used and angry today. However, I am always so inspired by your recovery.
I know this doesn't change the hurt feelings for you however I can't imagine the hell your husband is living in within his own sick mind.
I don't know if you ever read this but I found it helpful to really understand the mind of a crack addict. Warning - it contains graphic language and triggers.
http://www.janushead.org/7-1/Trujillo2.pdf
.
I know this doesn't change the hurt feelings for you however I can't imagine the hell your husband is living in within his own sick mind.
I don't know if you ever read this but I found it helpful to really understand the mind of a crack addict. Warning - it contains graphic language and triggers.
http://www.janushead.org/7-1/Trujillo2.pdf
.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
I think your hurt today is more directed at the person looking back at you in the mirror. You mentioned feeling angry for all the support you gave him, for all the forgiving you did. You feel used, taken advantage of and foolish for ever loving this man..
YOU are NOT that person today, you are stronger then that, smarter then that, healthier then you were back in the day. Release your pain and forgive yourself for what you didn’t know back then that you know today.
I understand and know how you feel about wanting to see him get his. Watch him pay the price for his actions, see him hurt and in pain like the hurt and pain you’ve suffered. I’m sure he is in his own kind of hell. But that’s not what’s really important, the importance is for you to forgive yourself and move forward not carrying all this resentment on your back.
YOU are NOT that person today, you are stronger then that, smarter then that, healthier then you were back in the day. Release your pain and forgive yourself for what you didn’t know back then that you know today.
I understand and know how you feel about wanting to see him get his. Watch him pay the price for his actions, see him hurt and in pain like the hurt and pain you’ve suffered. I’m sure he is in his own kind of hell. But that’s not what’s really important, the importance is for you to forgive yourself and move forward not carrying all this resentment on your back.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 951
If you think about it in that way, it can make you crazy.
If you accept that you did the right things for the right reasons it will help you. You didn't do it for appreciation, but because it is who you are as a wife and a mother. You behave with honesty, respect, kindness, forgiveness and love because it is what you are made of. You could not have done things any differently, right? You are likely incapable of doing the kinds of things he has done. Why is that?
He will pay a price, and it may actually be very hard for you to watch when it happens. There is a consequence for every action. Even when people cause their own consequences I have a hard time believing they really deserve what they've done to themselves.
How would you feel if you had behaved like him? Or just not done the things you did for your children? Could you live with it? sometimes think "There but for the grace of God go I." Inability to deal with the guilt and shame of their own actions adds to the vicious cycle of addiction.
Hugs and Prayers. This is hard work but it's healing.
If you accept that you did the right things for the right reasons it will help you. You didn't do it for appreciation, but because it is who you are as a wife and a mother. You behave with honesty, respect, kindness, forgiveness and love because it is what you are made of. You could not have done things any differently, right? You are likely incapable of doing the kinds of things he has done. Why is that?
He will pay a price, and it may actually be very hard for you to watch when it happens. There is a consequence for every action. Even when people cause their own consequences I have a hard time believing they really deserve what they've done to themselves.
How would you feel if you had behaved like him? Or just not done the things you did for your children? Could you live with it? sometimes think "There but for the grace of God go I." Inability to deal with the guilt and shame of their own actions adds to the vicious cycle of addiction.
Hugs and Prayers. This is hard work but it's healing.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 625
Just as an aside, I am a recovered addict/alcoholic who will be celebrating 21 years of sobriety next month. I've quit alcohol, drugs, cigarettes and am a vegetarian. I exercise and meditate regularly. I am middle-aged and despite my healthy lifestyle, will not reach old age.
The wreckage of the past has caught up to me. I have had three heart attacks, I have extensive nerve damage and live with chronic, excruciating pain. Too, I've also suffered brain damage as a result of my past abuse and have debilitating conditions as a result.
Justice? Perhaps. I know that in spite of my hardships, I am more happy than unhappy. I have found peace and serenity. Today I am going through something quite difficult and still desire to help someone else... which is a far cry from where I came from but is true to the person I truly am.
The wreckage of the past has caught up to me. I have had three heart attacks, I have extensive nerve damage and live with chronic, excruciating pain. Too, I've also suffered brain damage as a result of my past abuse and have debilitating conditions as a result.
Justice? Perhaps. I know that in spite of my hardships, I am more happy than unhappy. I have found peace and serenity. Today I am going through something quite difficult and still desire to help someone else... which is a far cry from where I came from but is true to the person I truly am.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Pennsylvania
Posts: 505
Originally Posted by Hanna 
If you accept that you did the right things for the right reasons it will help you. You didn't do it for appreciation, but because it is who you are as a wife and a mother. You behave with honesty, respect, kindness, forgiveness and love because it is what you are made of. You could not have done things any differently, right? You are likely incapable of doing the kinds of things he has done. Why is that?
But what you said has made me feel better about things. You're right, the way I acted, the things I did, all came from a place of love. I didn't do it for recognition or appreciation or for some ulterior motive....simply put, I did it because I love him and want him to be happy because I think he deserves to be loved and be happy, even if HE doesn't feel he deserves it. But the way he manipulated my love for his own selfish needs? That is something I could NEVER do to another person. If I knew someone had genuine, true feelings for me, I could never use that love as a tool to get what I want and then just throw that person aside when they no longer served a purpose. So even though I played a part due to my codependency issues, my intentions were nothing but good and above-board and based in love, unlike his. He lied to me from the beginning and his intentions towards me were never honorable. It's time I stop giving him credit for being a better and more decent person than he actually is - he simply doesn't deserve it. Maybe at one time, he was an honorable, standup guy with morals....but 20+ years of drug and alcohol abuse have left a shell of a person, a shell with no feelings, no compassion, no consideration. It truly breaks my heart to think of the person he used to be and compare that to the stranger he's become...but as has been told to me many times on SR, I didn't cause it, I can't control it and I can't cure it, no matter how badly I wish I could - only he can do that for himself.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Pennsylvania
Posts: 505
Originally Posted by legna
Just as an aside, I am a recovered addict/alcoholic who will be celebrating 21 years of sobriety next month. I've quit alcohol, drugs, cigarettes and am a vegetarian. I exercise and meditate regularly. I am middle-aged and despite my healthy lifestyle, will not reach old age.
The wreckage of the past has caught up to me. I have had three heart attacks, I have extensive nerve damage and live with chronic, excruciating pain. Too, I've also suffered brain damage as a result of my past abuse and have debilitating conditions as a result.
Justice? Perhaps. I know that in spite of my hardships, I am more happy than unhappy. I have found peace and serenity. Today I am going through something quite difficult and still desire to help someone else... which is a far cry from where I came from but is true to the person I truly am.
The wreckage of the past has caught up to me. I have had three heart attacks, I have extensive nerve damage and live with chronic, excruciating pain. Too, I've also suffered brain damage as a result of my past abuse and have debilitating conditions as a result.
Justice? Perhaps. I know that in spite of my hardships, I am more happy than unhappy. I have found peace and serenity. Today I am going through something quite difficult and still desire to help someone else... which is a far cry from where I came from but is true to the person I truly am.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Michigan
Posts: 120
Thank you! Thank you! To all of you! Part of the process of my recovery is "moments" like these not "days" "weeks" "months" and "years" of being stuck in anger, resentment, bitterness, feeling what I am feeling and letting it go and not allowing it to consume me as it once did. Understanding the feelings I am having and putting things in perspective is a tool I can use to find out what I need to do, what I have control over and what is my business. I know resentment will destroy me. Anger is a "normal" emotion and can be used if directed correctly for the betterment of myself and wellbeing. It can be fuel to point me in the direction I need to go. It can fuel me to stand up for my self and be aware of the injustices I allow.
Yes I am a kind hearted, loving, giving and forgiving person. It is who I am. I don't wish harm on my ex nor do I necessarily wish "bad" to come his way. I guess part of my anger is at myself and at God. Me for trying to prove to someone that I am who I am and prove that I am loyal and loving and devoted to love and kindness and I am. But when someone is in active addiction they don't care because that can't. This is why they use and keep usinb right? To "block" their feelings of guilt, shame, and the damage they have done. I know this. MY "justice" is him to make ammends, to stop using and be a father and treat others with kindness and love. And I too have known this man for 20 years. I became aware of his addiction about 11 years ago. I watched him loose everything and be homeless but kept using and he is still using today.
I just have to have faith and trust which is what I have been doing that God is in control and not me. In his timings not mine. His way his will not mine. Maybe the awareness of my powerlessness and my not being able to "make a difference" and my lack of faith and trust in God to "take care of him" judging God, (forgive me God) as to his power and his control over all!
Taking care of me and my sons are all I need to concern myself with. Forgiving myself and yes my ex are what I have to do in order to heal and move forward. Having MY ideas of what "should" happen and how things should happen are things I need to let go of. Did not realize I was even there!? That putting boundries in place to protect me, to help me stay focused on my recovery, are a must.
Having no contact is so hard to do and seems in a way cruel and so unnatural. Yet in the same breath painfully necessary. Having no contact with an active addict should not be a punishment but a "tool" to protect myself from the damage of someone that uses people. A reality I don't want to accept. Surrendering and accepting my powerlessness requires faith and belief in a power greater than myself. I have the power to change but only one person and that's me. I had secretly hoped my recovery and my being brutally honest with my ex would "break through" his wall of denial even if just a little. Maybe I planted some seeds? Maybe I was allowing my "control" issues to poke their way in. Maybe my kind and loving nature believed in its power to make a difference. I did not do any of the things I did for him with a motive. Maybe some where deep down I had some unrealistic "expectations"? That he would treat me the same way because he "loved" me. When reality is he is sick and is living in denial.
I had hopes and dreams of him finally saying "thanks for believing in me and being real with me and not allowing me to keep using you;" maybe one day he will and maybe he wont. Maybe he will die from his addiction and notnhave the chance? Accepting that is a real "end result" seems so far fetched. But yet I know from what addicts tell you and their loved ones its reality. I don't want that to happen to him. Yet that is out of control. I don't know the future only God does and I have to trust him on this. And really let go and let God.
Thank you for sharing your addiction recovery. I am sorry for your health problems yet I am happy you have found peace and happiness. And are not controlled by your addiction. And pray you keep on the road you are on and by the grace of God your health and body find healing and are able to live in continued peace and happiness without pain. Or at least manageable pain.
Deep breath, prayer and some meditation are deffiently in order. Thank God for his mercy, guidance and the beautiful people in recovery from addiction and codependency. And even the addict that came into my life. It was because of him that I sought my journey to recovery.
So many things to process and consider. And allow God to show me, heal me, and strengthen me. To have the clarity to know what to do and to trust him in all things. Humble myself and allow his will to be the driving force in my life.
I will get the wisdom and peace I need and the wisdom I need by asking and having the willingness to surrender and allow his will to be my will. It can be a painful process and sometimes it has to be pursued without stopping until I know in my gut I am in his will and not my own.
Time for some one on one with my higher power aka GOD!
My anger has subsided and my peace has entered to replace the anger. And to maintain that I need to look with in and look above and listen!
Yes I am a kind hearted, loving, giving and forgiving person. It is who I am. I don't wish harm on my ex nor do I necessarily wish "bad" to come his way. I guess part of my anger is at myself and at God. Me for trying to prove to someone that I am who I am and prove that I am loyal and loving and devoted to love and kindness and I am. But when someone is in active addiction they don't care because that can't. This is why they use and keep usinb right? To "block" their feelings of guilt, shame, and the damage they have done. I know this. MY "justice" is him to make ammends, to stop using and be a father and treat others with kindness and love. And I too have known this man for 20 years. I became aware of his addiction about 11 years ago. I watched him loose everything and be homeless but kept using and he is still using today.
I just have to have faith and trust which is what I have been doing that God is in control and not me. In his timings not mine. His way his will not mine. Maybe the awareness of my powerlessness and my not being able to "make a difference" and my lack of faith and trust in God to "take care of him" judging God, (forgive me God) as to his power and his control over all!
Taking care of me and my sons are all I need to concern myself with. Forgiving myself and yes my ex are what I have to do in order to heal and move forward. Having MY ideas of what "should" happen and how things should happen are things I need to let go of. Did not realize I was even there!? That putting boundries in place to protect me, to help me stay focused on my recovery, are a must.
Having no contact is so hard to do and seems in a way cruel and so unnatural. Yet in the same breath painfully necessary. Having no contact with an active addict should not be a punishment but a "tool" to protect myself from the damage of someone that uses people. A reality I don't want to accept. Surrendering and accepting my powerlessness requires faith and belief in a power greater than myself. I have the power to change but only one person and that's me. I had secretly hoped my recovery and my being brutally honest with my ex would "break through" his wall of denial even if just a little. Maybe I planted some seeds? Maybe I was allowing my "control" issues to poke their way in. Maybe my kind and loving nature believed in its power to make a difference. I did not do any of the things I did for him with a motive. Maybe some where deep down I had some unrealistic "expectations"? That he would treat me the same way because he "loved" me. When reality is he is sick and is living in denial.
I had hopes and dreams of him finally saying "thanks for believing in me and being real with me and not allowing me to keep using you;" maybe one day he will and maybe he wont. Maybe he will die from his addiction and notnhave the chance? Accepting that is a real "end result" seems so far fetched. But yet I know from what addicts tell you and their loved ones its reality. I don't want that to happen to him. Yet that is out of control. I don't know the future only God does and I have to trust him on this. And really let go and let God.
Thank you for sharing your addiction recovery. I am sorry for your health problems yet I am happy you have found peace and happiness. And are not controlled by your addiction. And pray you keep on the road you are on and by the grace of God your health and body find healing and are able to live in continued peace and happiness without pain. Or at least manageable pain.
Deep breath, prayer and some meditation are deffiently in order. Thank God for his mercy, guidance and the beautiful people in recovery from addiction and codependency. And even the addict that came into my life. It was because of him that I sought my journey to recovery.
So many things to process and consider. And allow God to show me, heal me, and strengthen me. To have the clarity to know what to do and to trust him in all things. Humble myself and allow his will to be the driving force in my life.
I will get the wisdom and peace I need and the wisdom I need by asking and having the willingness to surrender and allow his will to be my will. It can be a painful process and sometimes it has to be pursued without stopping until I know in my gut I am in his will and not my own.
Time for some one on one with my higher power aka GOD!
My anger has subsided and my peace has entered to replace the anger. And to maintain that I need to look with in and look above and listen!
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