MamaKit

Hello there SR friends and Happy Spring!

Divorce proceedings with my STBXAH are proceeding slowly, painfully. He delays everything, fails to file required documents etc... I have been advised not to expect much until we get our final court hearing.

Well, out of the blue, he makes an offer with regard to financial things and the children. He gives me less than 24 hours to respond and threatens to hire a pit-bull attorney with a known reputation if I don't. He also says he does not intend this to be a negotiation. (what??????) Needless to say, his requests (90% of them) are not amenable to me. Particularly a fluid contact schedule with the boys. He intends to be bi-coastal and has basically stated that he wants them 50/50 as his travel schedule allows!!!!! (Right now, he's not even permitted overnights!)

So, here is where I clearly recognized that I still need work. I feel such a strong urge to give in - even if it's not on the details of his proposals. I'm riddled with anxiety about what HE will do if I don't respond within his time frame. I can't turn off my codie brain and engage my rational brain.

I found it in myself to let him know that I appreciate that he has made an offer but that my schedule does not allow me to comply with his timeframe. The email communication from me was very polite and business like.

What I want to do is say HOW DARE YOU MAKE SUCH A RIDICULOUS OFFER BASED ON YOUR TIMEFRAME AND THEN THREATEN ME WITH HIRING A NOTORIOUS LAWYER! I want to call him out on his alcoholism, his failure to pay one red cent in court ordered child support ( a whooping $100/week!!!) and his clear objective of controlling me and not really caring about our boys' best interests.

I can't decide if I am being wise and not engaging him or if (per my history) I am not holding him accountable for his drunklish and irresponsible behavior.

I feel like one big tangled knot.

Untie me,
Hugs,
MamaKit

Santa

My exAH was somewhat like this. It was very difficult for me not to engage him, and he would bait me and up the ante until I would finally respond the way you say you'd like to respond. It's very controlling on the AH part, trying to create confrontation.

I think you've given him all the response you need. I would simply pass on his demand to your legal counsel. I certainly would not agree to his demands, and besides, if he's like my ex, tomorrow he will be off on some other tangent. Also, during my divorce proceeding it was made clear that a move out of state by either of us would change his visitation arrangements (the kids live with me).

The part about being behind on child support yet threatening with a high priced lawyer is just like my ex too. I had the ace in the hole that I know he is too cheap to spend thousands on a lawyer. His will to **** me off doesn't extend to spending money on it (except for his booze).

Now that we are divorced, my ex actually doesn't make much effort to see his kids, but he liked to make threats like this during our legal proceedings, just to get me going. Once I got it in my head, I don't actually *have* to respond to him, life became so much easier. Good luck to you.

Tuffgirl

No, he made a demand. With no "negotiation". I used to get those kinds fo emphatic declarations with no "negotiation". Ignore it.

It's a threat to intimidate you. Tell him you are hiring the A-Team to protect you and your assets. It holds about the same level of credibility.

Yes you can. Just do it. It won't do it for you.

What? Seriously? You appreciate this behavior? This is where I see you veer off course and hop on the codie bus. He threatens and intimidates you, and you appreciate it?

*shaking my head* why communicate at all? Why even acknowledge this ludicrous display of insanity?

Well you didn't. You came here and posted instead, and was polite and business-like and appreciated his offer. With all due respect, MamaKit...I don't blame you for feeling like one big tangled knot. He put you there and you complied.

You are getting divorced. For a damn good reason. It isn't your place to hold him accountable for anything anymore, nor would it be effective. If you have an attorney, turn this over to them. It is what they get paid to do. If not, get one. Turn this communication over to them. It will be what you pay them to do.

Secondly, expect more of the same. The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. So what can you do here? Not talking to him is a great place to start. Stop thinking you can reason with an unreasonable person. It won't happen.

Now turn on your rational brain and use it. I know you know how to do this...its making oneself that is the challenge.

Hang in there, and be tough. This is your life and your kids lives at stake here.
~T

atalose

I would get on the phone right away and make an appointment for a divorce consultation with the “pit-bull attorney” he threatened you with. Most attorneys’ consults are free and you can always ask before making the appointment.

And if you don’t end up using this attorney, that’s ok because now he can’t either!!!!!

Take back some control!!!!

dandylion

Dear mamakit---Oh, how they love to threaten us. They do so because they know that it intimidates us--rattles us.

It gives them tremendous reinforcement when we jump and tremble like a scared bunny.

Remember this. Let your lawyer deal with this.

sincerely, dandylion

Recovering2

Do you have an attorney? I would suggest that all communications go through your attorney moving forward. You don't need the bullying and intimidation. And that's all it is. If you don't have an attorney....get one. Let the attorney do what they're trained to do.

MamaKit

Thanks everyone.
I do have a good attorney and she is not at all impressed or intimidated by my STBAXH. I try not to rely on her as my therapist....but on occasion, she reminds me to take a deep breath.

The perspective you have all provided this morning has been so helpful. I couldn't find the switch for my rational brain - thanks for helping me locate it.

Tuffgirl, I laughed out loud reading your responses. Not that you were poking fun at me or intending to joke around - but they exposed that I was being equally ridiculous in not recognizing his tactics and their absurdity. You said exactly what I needed to hear. I can't believe I actually told him I appreciated his making an "offer" to move things forward. Your reaction ("Seriously?????")was priceless to me. I'm grateful to you for breaking things down the way you did.

I should have recognized his communication for what it was - typical A behavior!!! Also, I am 99% sure the threat to hire that pit-bull attorney is a BLUFF!!!!

This is why I love SR! I am grateful to you all for your support and wisdom.

Thanks and hugs,
MamaKit

RollTide

Tuffgirl helps put things in perspective. I love that. There used to be a poster on this forum named Naive who did wonderful translations of alcoholic speak. Now Tuffgirl seems to have mastered the art.

Jazzman

If I could make a suggestion, do not reply at all, especially in writing. Let your lawyer decide the best way to respond. He's just being a bully. Don't react.

Tuffgirl

Apparently I channeled my inner Dr. Laura on you, MamaKit. But I did it with kindness and good intentions. It's easy for me to sit on my side of the fence and poke holes in your thinking. But I've also been where you are, and feeling exactly the same way.

Just do yourself a favor, and allow yourself to get mad once in a while. It's ok to be angry. We codies forget that, because we try to keep the peace all the time and make everyone else happy. Your husband is being a ******bag. It made me angry just reading about it.

patientlywaitin

I had this same problem after separating from my sons father. Only to top it all off, he was/had been declared unfit by the state for 10yrs prior to our 17mo court battle. He was just as manipulative towards me but to make it even greater, I was the supervisor for my sons visitation with him. I chose to do it because my son was so young, I didn't want him to feel uncomfortable but it made my life a living hell for a very long time. The best advice I could ever give you is to take back your control. Keep your contact to a minimum and by that I mean, just what the court tells you to do. Do not answer his phone calls or read an email. You are not obligated to cooperate/tolerate his behavior for any reason. Something I had to keep reminding myself often was that I was the one who was responsible for my children, at all times, not just when it was convenient. The more I allowed my ex to **** me off the less good my children seen in me. For a while I broke down, I allowed myself to become depressed and yes... sometimes even desperate. It would have been great to just get it all over with! I had a lawyer for a while to, who just kept charging me more money and then seemed to be partial to my ex on one to many occasions so I canned her butt and fought him on my own. That seemed to be the highlight of the entire ordeal. Beating him in court after everything I had gone through was the greatest feeling

Do not give in, do not give up. These are your children your fighting for. When you find yourself struggling to maintain composure remove yourself from the situation. Take lots of deep breaths and remember who you are going through this for.

MamaKit

Tuffgirl,
I knew the spirit in which you offered your comments. Your inner Dr. Laura prescribed me exactly what was needed to correct my codie vision problem.
As I received more and more emails from him yesterday (to which I did not respond), it became clear that he is desperate not to go to court as things will likely not go well for him. It's hard for me to believe I couldn't see that from the beginning.

The thing is, I don't want to beat him. Mostly, I just want my kids to be okay. He could offer them so much as a father.....if only he would......well, you all know. Sigh. (repeating to myself....three C's, serenity prayer, breathe)

I do find it hard to let myself get mad. I attend a cross-fit, hard-style kettle bell class once a week which has provided a good place for me to give over to those feelings and has the side benefit of giving me a great work out! I take it out on that bell and the medicine ball. Last night was class - and needless to say, I feel so much better today.

Again,
Thanks to all of you for your support
Hugs,
MamaKit

atalose

It sounds like he doesn't have an attorney and is trying to do the divorce himself. I am so glad you are seeing "his light". It's so hard to see it when you are right there in the middle of the picture but stepping out and away from it opens up a whole different view.

LaTeeDa

I smiled at the title of this thread. I still need work, too. I separated from my AH in 2005 and the divorce was final in early 2007. Recovery is not something you "accomplish." It's something you live.

It's difficult to be at the stage you are now--middle of divorce. It seems like it will never end. But, I can assure you it will and you will move on. Don't let him intimidate you just to hurry things along.

L