Agony
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Conway nh
Posts: 4
Agony
Feeling very sad today. Posted my other thread under the wrong forum. Separated from my husband a year ago because of uncontrollable drinking, went a few months with no contact, except occasional texts either ripping me apart, or begging me to come back. I am always to blame for everything. Like the girlfriend I caught him with in my bed after he told me how much he loved me...like hours before. Tried to reconcile for the past five months, weekend visits, multiple daily conversations. Lots of love, talking, and I thought healing. Then he slipped by drinking, I forgave...stupid I know, but I can be safe and away in my own place. More promises. Then Sunday, while we were there, he got smashed. Calmly and compassionately asked what was bothering him, then boom...a million awful names, don't love me, doesn't care, wants to drink. I am crushed. How did this happen again? Was he just playing me all these months? Am I a fool, did he never love me? 23 years together...what is it all about?
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
April, I am a newbie here, not much to offer except to say you have come to the right place. I understand how bad you feel, questioning your reality of the past 23 years. I'm so sorry you're going thru this. Please know that others care about you!
Do some reading on this forum, see if you find some comfort, and I'm sure you'll hear from other folks here w/more wisdom to offer.
(((((hugs)))))
Hang in--and you are NOT a fool!
Do some reading on this forum, see if you find some comfort, and I'm sure you'll hear from other folks here w/more wisdom to offer.
(((((hugs)))))
Hang in--and you are NOT a fool!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 1,407
He may love you, but the first love of an active A is alcohol. We will never come first as long as they are active in their addiction. And there is nothing we can do to change that. They will lie, cajole, manipulate, blame...whatever it takes to keep you enmeshed in their life. Read the posts about quacking on here.
The 3 C's: You didn't Cause it, can't Cure it, and can't Control it. No, you are not to blame for his decisions. You are not the reason he drinks, he drinks because he is an A. Period. You have to decide what you want for you. This situation will not change, he is not interested in sobriety. This is a progressive disease, so it will get worse moving forward.
Are you in AlAnon? Find a meeting near you, and learn all you can. You will get tremendous support in those meetings, and will learn to set boundaries for yourself. Read the sticky's at the top of this page. He is showing you who he truly is, believe him. Start to focus on taking care of you and your needs. (((hugs)))
The 3 C's: You didn't Cause it, can't Cure it, and can't Control it. No, you are not to blame for his decisions. You are not the reason he drinks, he drinks because he is an A. Period. You have to decide what you want for you. This situation will not change, he is not interested in sobriety. This is a progressive disease, so it will get worse moving forward.
Are you in AlAnon? Find a meeting near you, and learn all you can. You will get tremendous support in those meetings, and will learn to set boundaries for yourself. Read the sticky's at the top of this page. He is showing you who he truly is, believe him. Start to focus on taking care of you and your needs. (((hugs)))
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 391
(((((April))))))
I echo Recovering2 and couldn't say it any better.
I am learning that there is no comprehending of how their alcoholic minds work. I went through the cycle of agony you describe. So many of us here have/are. I'm so sorry that you are hurting. You will receive good advice and support here.
You must focus on what is good for you and try to have no expectations of him.
Keep posting - we get it.
Hugs,
MamaKit
I echo Recovering2 and couldn't say it any better.
I am learning that there is no comprehending of how their alcoholic minds work. I went through the cycle of agony you describe. So many of us here have/are. I'm so sorry that you are hurting. You will receive good advice and support here.
You must focus on what is good for you and try to have no expectations of him.
Keep posting - we get it.
Hugs,
MamaKit
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
Its simple really. He is an active alcoholic and that is what they do. Just like a dog barks an alcoholic drinks, and lies, and manipulates.
Believe it or not, its not personal. He is not doing this to you he is doing it to himself. You are just standing in line of the shrapnel.
You have to divorce your thoughts from the past and what was, to the present and what is.
Take Recovering2's advice. Head over to Al Anon you will find some sanity there.
Believe it or not, its not personal. He is not doing this to you he is doing it to himself. You are just standing in line of the shrapnel.
You have to divorce your thoughts from the past and what was, to the present and what is.
Take Recovering2's advice. Head over to Al Anon you will find some sanity there.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
I understand your sadness April.
For me, things changed when I let go of the need to hold on, and embraced my personal desire to move on.
I had to accept the facts. He was an addict. I could no longer allow my emotions to decide what was best for me.
Of course it hurt like hell. But living with his unacceptable choices/behaviors cut me to my very core.
23 years is a long time. Yes, the two of you share a history. 23 is just a number. 23 years is not going to fix this.
I think the greater injustice is to hold yourself hostage in a situation you have zero control over.
Hope you continue to post, and read. Reading these forums, and educating myself about addiction allowed me to make healthy choices for myself.
For me, things changed when I let go of the need to hold on, and embraced my personal desire to move on.
I had to accept the facts. He was an addict. I could no longer allow my emotions to decide what was best for me.
Of course it hurt like hell. But living with his unacceptable choices/behaviors cut me to my very core.
23 years is a long time. Yes, the two of you share a history. 23 is just a number. 23 years is not going to fix this.
I think the greater injustice is to hold yourself hostage in a situation you have zero control over.
Hope you continue to post, and read. Reading these forums, and educating myself about addiction allowed me to make healthy choices for myself.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: West Sussex
Posts: 37
April, i'm so sorry that you are sad. We all know only too well how you feel. I have asked myself many a time in the past if my AH really loves me, after all I learnt about addiciton I know the answer to that question is, yes.
The decision to drink is not about you in any way it is about addiction.
Unfortunately in most cases, their addcition has to cost them something they cherish, whether that be their health, home, wife etc before they even consider stopping. Only then do they tend to accept they are powerless over alcohol - Step One.
My AH has been to rehab twice, we have spent £12,000 and he has just relapsed again. I resent him right now but I don't feel unloved because it isn't about me. He has failed to stay committed to his program and that old coping mechanism denial has crept back in ....
We can't manage their lives, we can't protect them or help them until they are willing to help themselves but we can manage our own lives. Take care of yourself. x
The decision to drink is not about you in any way it is about addiction.
Unfortunately in most cases, their addcition has to cost them something they cherish, whether that be their health, home, wife etc before they even consider stopping. Only then do they tend to accept they are powerless over alcohol - Step One.
My AH has been to rehab twice, we have spent £12,000 and he has just relapsed again. I resent him right now but I don't feel unloved because it isn't about me. He has failed to stay committed to his program and that old coping mechanism denial has crept back in ....
We can't manage their lives, we can't protect them or help them until they are willing to help themselves but we can manage our own lives. Take care of yourself. x
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