New here, advice needed.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 4
New here, advice needed.
I posted this on the newcomers board but they suggested I put it here.
Obviously new here. My husband is an alcoholic. I am just coming to that realization. I guess I have been in denial. He is also has many traits of being a narcissist. I can't say he has NPD because I am not a psychologist but has almost all the symptoms. I don't know which one came first but from all I have read they go together a lot.
I left him a couple of months ago because of his drinking and his narcissistic behavior. He is very controlling and manipulative. I had had enough. Well after being gone for 3 weeks we talked and he said he detoxed himself and he made promises and I agreed to come back.
Now, after being back for a couple of months he is back to drinking. It was our son's wedding this weekend and it was a religious affair held in a church. No one was drinking, except my husband. The kids all confronted me about it. Apparently a few people asked my son if he had been drinking. My husband of course denies it vehemently. Our son is not speaking to him now and says he won't ever again until he gets help. Husband says we are all against him and he was not drinking and has not since I got back. I have smelled it on him and he denies it flat out. Says that I have poisoned the kids against him by leaving him and making him the bad guy.
He has said that he wants to get a breathalyzer that I can administer any time I want. I do not know what to make of this. I KNOW he is drinking. Why would he want to do this if he knows it will be positive. I don't know anything about these. Can you beat them? I am very confused right now.
I am on the verge of leaving him again but am confused as to why he would agree to this?
Obviously new here. My husband is an alcoholic. I am just coming to that realization. I guess I have been in denial. He is also has many traits of being a narcissist. I can't say he has NPD because I am not a psychologist but has almost all the symptoms. I don't know which one came first but from all I have read they go together a lot.
I left him a couple of months ago because of his drinking and his narcissistic behavior. He is very controlling and manipulative. I had had enough. Well after being gone for 3 weeks we talked and he said he detoxed himself and he made promises and I agreed to come back.
Now, after being back for a couple of months he is back to drinking. It was our son's wedding this weekend and it was a religious affair held in a church. No one was drinking, except my husband. The kids all confronted me about it. Apparently a few people asked my son if he had been drinking. My husband of course denies it vehemently. Our son is not speaking to him now and says he won't ever again until he gets help. Husband says we are all against him and he was not drinking and has not since I got back. I have smelled it on him and he denies it flat out. Says that I have poisoned the kids against him by leaving him and making him the bad guy.
He has said that he wants to get a breathalyzer that I can administer any time I want. I do not know what to make of this. I KNOW he is drinking. Why would he want to do this if he knows it will be positive. I don't know anything about these. Can you beat them? I am very confused right now.
I am on the verge of leaving him again but am confused as to why he would agree to this?
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Sorry you are dealing with this. Do NOT go for the breathalyzer routine. It is demeaning and meaningless. He no doubt has some scheme for "beating" it--I don't know what it might be, but you don't want to go there. You know if he's drinking--trust your own senses (and those of everyone else).
If he is controlling and manipulative, those characteristics are unlikely to disappear just because he quits drinking. SOMETIMES people exhibiting those characteristics can change IF they are highly motivated to do so, AND if they either participate in therapy or intense 12-Step work in AA.
You left him once--you had your doubts when you came back. It sounds as if being out of this marriage is better than being in it.
If he is controlling and manipulative, those characteristics are unlikely to disappear just because he quits drinking. SOMETIMES people exhibiting those characteristics can change IF they are highly motivated to do so, AND if they either participate in therapy or intense 12-Step work in AA.
You left him once--you had your doubts when you came back. It sounds as if being out of this marriage is better than being in it.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
He’s in his disease and protecting that disease with everything he has, denial, lies. He’s not ready to quit drinking or accepting he’s an alcoholic and then doing something about it.
That verge you are on – follow your instincts!!!!
That verge you are on – follow your instincts!!!!
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Welcome to the SR family!
I hope you will continue to share, vent, and read as often as needed. This is a wonderful resource of information, support and encouragement.
Some of our stories are posted in the permanent threads at the top of this main page. Those posts are marked with a little padlock symbol in the left side column. We call them the Sticky Posts. I am often finding inspiration when I read in the Sticky Posts.
I don't think I would go along with the Breathalyzer plan. I wouldn't do it for the reasons already mentioned as well as it makes you the police of his sobriety. I wouldn't want to be his parole officer assigned with monitoring his behavior.
I think you can trust your gut. You know the truth.
Have you attended Alanon Meetings? I found the face to face support comforting. I learned a lot of tools for learning to take better care of myself, no matter what the alcoholic in my life chooses to do.
This is a link, from the Sticky Posts, that helps you find meetings in your community.
http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.html
And here is another link that helps you determine if Alanon is right for you:
Al Anon Self Test - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
I hope you will continue to share, vent, and read as often as needed. This is a wonderful resource of information, support and encouragement.
Some of our stories are posted in the permanent threads at the top of this main page. Those posts are marked with a little padlock symbol in the left side column. We call them the Sticky Posts. I am often finding inspiration when I read in the Sticky Posts.
I don't think I would go along with the Breathalyzer plan. I wouldn't do it for the reasons already mentioned as well as it makes you the police of his sobriety. I wouldn't want to be his parole officer assigned with monitoring his behavior.
I think you can trust your gut. You know the truth.
Have you attended Alanon Meetings? I found the face to face support comforting. I learned a lot of tools for learning to take better care of myself, no matter what the alcoholic in my life chooses to do.
This is a link, from the Sticky Posts, that helps you find meetings in your community.
http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.html
And here is another link that helps you determine if Alanon is right for you:
Al Anon Self Test - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: shelby nc
Posts: 7
It is a hard choice to make...No matter how much you care and love somebody, they will not stop until they are ready. I'm a firm believer that we deserve so much better. God will fight our battles if we let him, so that we can sleep in peace ! I miss my ex but i do not miss that atmosphere. I can accomplish my dreams now without being accused of everything. I will pray for you
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Phoebe, an alcoholic will swear that they haven't been drinking while they are standing in front of you holding the glass and drinking from it. I have witnessed this many times over.
You know he has been drinking. That is all the information that is needed. You don't have to prove it to him. He knows, also.
He is just hoping to confuse you and make you doubt yourself. Remember, he knows h ow to manipulate you--he knows where all your hot buttons are.
Actually, it is working pretty well for him--he denied it and you ARE DOUBTING Y0URSELF.
Helpful Hint: When he has been drinking (and you know it)--NEVER argue with him about it. If you need to discuss it for boundry purposes: Simply say: "You have been drinking". If he starts to deny it, say: That was a STATEMENT; not a QUESTION. If he persists, say: It is a fact because I know it, and it is not up for debate.
I used this on my sons and it worked like a charm.
Just thought I would share.
sincerely, dandylion
You know he has been drinking. That is all the information that is needed. You don't have to prove it to him. He knows, also.
He is just hoping to confuse you and make you doubt yourself. Remember, he knows h ow to manipulate you--he knows where all your hot buttons are.
Actually, it is working pretty well for him--he denied it and you ARE DOUBTING Y0URSELF.
Helpful Hint: When he has been drinking (and you know it)--NEVER argue with him about it. If you need to discuss it for boundry purposes: Simply say: "You have been drinking". If he starts to deny it, say: That was a STATEMENT; not a QUESTION. If he persists, say: It is a fact because I know it, and it is not up for debate.
I used this on my sons and it worked like a charm.
Just thought I would share.
sincerely, dandylion
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 4
Thank you all for your replies. I think I know that I need to leave, it is just so very hard. I have a lot of guilt left over from an affair I had 5 years ago that he won't let me forget about. I feel like it is my responsibility to fix this relationship. He says over and over that he cannot live without me but then in the next breath says that I am responsible for everything wrong in his life.
I am scared to live alone also. We barely make ends meet with both our incomes, I don't know if I can afford to pay rent somewhere else. It is so hard. When I left before I stayed with my mother 1000 miles away. It was not a good situation. I can't do that again. I have kids that will take me in but I don't really want to do that either. that puts them in the middle of the mess, not fair to them. I am just having a hard time deciding what to do.
Everyone says I need to do what is best for me but there are two problems, I don't know what is best for me and how do I be so selfish and forget about what might be good for everyone else?
I am scared to live alone also. We barely make ends meet with both our incomes, I don't know if I can afford to pay rent somewhere else. It is so hard. When I left before I stayed with my mother 1000 miles away. It was not a good situation. I can't do that again. I have kids that will take me in but I don't really want to do that either. that puts them in the middle of the mess, not fair to them. I am just having a hard time deciding what to do.
Everyone says I need to do what is best for me but there are two problems, I don't know what is best for me and how do I be so selfish and forget about what might be good for everyone else?
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
Lat year my while on vacation my husband insisted on going to the marina to buy a bag of ice we didn't need. He returned an hour and a half later (marina being 1 mile away) so **** snockered drunk he could barely walk, reeked, slurred etc. And returned without the "had to have" bag of ice that we didn't need anyway. And......he swore up and down he hadn't been drinking. I always felt the denials to be insulting.
Anyway, when something happens in a marriage like an affair and both parties agree to move forward everyone in involved has to put that behind them in order to move forward. An affair is terribly damaging I know you know that - but it doesn't mean that you have to spend the rest of your life trying to fix it for him. You DON"T owe him that.
Living your life trying to make everything good for everyone else is an impossible and unsatisfying way to live. If you want out - then start planning. Its not impossible.
Anyway, when something happens in a marriage like an affair and both parties agree to move forward everyone in involved has to put that behind them in order to move forward. An affair is terribly damaging I know you know that - but it doesn't mean that you have to spend the rest of your life trying to fix it for him. You DON"T owe him that.
Living your life trying to make everything good for everyone else is an impossible and unsatisfying way to live. If you want out - then start planning. Its not impossible.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 166
Phoebe2,
If you are not ready to leave, then try to detach. One thing you hear alot here is one day at a time. There are ways to work on yourself and not get drawn into his BS. Have you been to Alanon? I would also recommend seeing a lawyer now to get a plan in place. I'm sure they will have some helpful advice.
If you are not ready to leave, then try to detach. One thing you hear alot here is one day at a time. There are ways to work on yourself and not get drawn into his BS. Have you been to Alanon? I would also recommend seeing a lawyer now to get a plan in place. I'm sure they will have some helpful advice.
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