My brother's letter
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Savannah
Posts: 190
My brother's letter
My brother wrote from jail. I want to post his letter to get advice before I reply to him. Please help!
Sister,
What's up kid? Sorry it's taken so long to write. I've been busy hating myself and the place in life I'm at. I am such a waste!! I sit here and watch these guys (just like me) and they have ****, mail, visits, money on there books, people who answer when they call. I had all that and f* it off like it wasn't priceless. Now knowing that it really is, I'm sick!! I'm so loney!! And, I hate it. What i hate most is that my kids are right where I promised they never would be! And I continue to do this stupid as* shi* like someday something will happen to make me turn this **** around and now realizing that shi*has been happening for 20 years (reasons to turn shi* around). I need to just buck up and do it. Everyday of my life has been the day prior to the day that I'm going to change my life around. It's always tomorrow. Then tomorrow never comes. I'm at my very bottom, Please Help!! I go to sentencing soon. My plea deal is 6 months in prison. I accepted. I've already got 3 months in jail, so will have 3 months in prison. Then I need to go away. I need help beyond my own. I'm ready 4 change. I will accept your help if the offer still stands. Thank you so much. Please write back soon. I love &miss you! Even without the help. Can you send me stamps so I can write back?
Love,
Your brother
Sister,
What's up kid? Sorry it's taken so long to write. I've been busy hating myself and the place in life I'm at. I am such a waste!! I sit here and watch these guys (just like me) and they have ****, mail, visits, money on there books, people who answer when they call. I had all that and f* it off like it wasn't priceless. Now knowing that it really is, I'm sick!! I'm so loney!! And, I hate it. What i hate most is that my kids are right where I promised they never would be! And I continue to do this stupid as* shi* like someday something will happen to make me turn this **** around and now realizing that shi*has been happening for 20 years (reasons to turn shi* around). I need to just buck up and do it. Everyday of my life has been the day prior to the day that I'm going to change my life around. It's always tomorrow. Then tomorrow never comes. I'm at my very bottom, Please Help!! I go to sentencing soon. My plea deal is 6 months in prison. I accepted. I've already got 3 months in jail, so will have 3 months in prison. Then I need to go away. I need help beyond my own. I'm ready 4 change. I will accept your help if the offer still stands. Thank you so much. Please write back soon. I love &miss you! Even without the help. Can you send me stamps so I can write back?
Love,
Your brother
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 951
How do you feel about this letter?
Is this a totally different tone from normal?
Is he writing because he wants something?
I would make concrete decisions about what kind of help I am willing to provide, then write back.
I'd happily help with researching rehab options and I would send stamps.
I would not send or spend any money, nor offer anything beyond love and support.
What do you think?
Is this a totally different tone from normal?
Is he writing because he wants something?
I would make concrete decisions about what kind of help I am willing to provide, then write back.
I'd happily help with researching rehab options and I would send stamps.
I would not send or spend any money, nor offer anything beyond love and support.
What do you think?
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Perhaps write him back and give him the phone number of the Salvation Army. They have long term rehabs that are very good and are free. If he really wants to change his life, he will call. If he doesn't any words you say are wasted.
My prayers go out for you and for him. It's hard being either one of you.
Hugs
My prayers go out for you and for him. It's hard being either one of you.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
At the most, I would send him stamps. I'm saying that as someone who was in the same position years ago. I was FULL of despair, wanting to get my life together, but when it came down to putting the actions in place? Well, let's just say it took me a while to get to that point.
I'm not saying he's the same as me, but I also spent a small fortune on an XABF who sounded just like your brother (and me), and he went right back out.
My family wasn't very willing to help me until I was proving, by ACTIONS, that I was serious about recovery. I'm grateful they didn't fall for the "I'll just KILL myself!" or "I swear, this time it's different" before, but that's just me.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
I'm not saying he's the same as me, but I also spent a small fortune on an XABF who sounded just like your brother (and me), and he went right back out.
My family wasn't very willing to help me until I was proving, by ACTIONS, that I was serious about recovery. I'm grateful they didn't fall for the "I'll just KILL myself!" or "I swear, this time it's different" before, but that's just me.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Savannah
Posts: 190
But, aren't all addicts focused only on themselves until they are in recovery?
I will send him stamps but could someone help me with what to write him. I thought about writing something along the lines that I will send him info. on rehab but he is going to have to be the one to contact them. I have been down this road before. I am not convinced by his letter that he is truly ready. What actions can he take from jail to prove to me that he is ready?
I will send him stamps but could someone help me with what to write him. I thought about writing something along the lines that I will send him info. on rehab but he is going to have to be the one to contact them. I have been down this road before. I am not convinced by his letter that he is truly ready. What actions can he take from jail to prove to me that he is ready?
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 92
All jails offer programs of many types. There are also social workers in there that can hook him up with applying to long term treatment. If he hates his life so much in there, he'd be writing you telling you how he's trying to change it in there.
Maybe suggest he put in a request to see his social worker. The Salvation Army goes to all jails as well, so maybe he can put in a request to see them. Jails also have Chaplains. Whatever faith you are, they have resources for you.
Other than that, you really don't owe him anything at this point.
Offer suggestions to him and tell him you love him.
Maybe suggest he put in a request to see his social worker. The Salvation Army goes to all jails as well, so maybe he can put in a request to see them. Jails also have Chaplains. Whatever faith you are, they have resources for you.
Other than that, you really don't owe him anything at this point.
Offer suggestions to him and tell him you love him.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
I am going to share my experience, strength and hope. Please don't take this as advice. It is simply our story.
My son was homeless and addicted. He lost everything except the clothes on his back and what could fit into a backpack. No car. No home. No place to go.
When I saw him, I handed him a piece of paper that had the information for the Salvation Army, telephone number, address and a brief statement about what was involved to get into the program and what was involved if he chose to go.
He rejected the idea. I walked away and left him in Burger King that night with no place to go. It tore my heart out but I did it......
That was the help I offered him. He stayed out there using and drifting for about two more months after that.....I met with him again and handed him the piece of paper again. He called and emailed them and got into the program. It is free (but requires that the beneficiary work 40+ hours per week--it is his labor that pays for the meals, bed, and counseling).
Please understand that we had done everything we could up to that point......four rehabs (2 inpatient and 2 outpatient). This time....it was up to him.
That is where he is today and has been there voluntarily for the last 4+ months. He is showing with his actions that he wants to be clean and sober. He isn't spouting promises at me........
If your brother really wants help, there is help available that relies on his own dedication and personal resources and doesn't involve you, your finances, or your resources. There is help in jail/prison but he has the option to choose it or not. When he gets out, there is help if he really wants it.
I am very lucky to have some wonderful friends who are recovering addicts. One of them (who is a dear friend of my sons and used to use drugs with him) told me "I'm not going to work harder at S's recovery than he's willing to work". (S is my son). Those words stuck with me.
Just some thoughts this morning.....
You and your dear brother will be in my prayers.
gentle hugs
ke
My son was homeless and addicted. He lost everything except the clothes on his back and what could fit into a backpack. No car. No home. No place to go.
When I saw him, I handed him a piece of paper that had the information for the Salvation Army, telephone number, address and a brief statement about what was involved to get into the program and what was involved if he chose to go.
He rejected the idea. I walked away and left him in Burger King that night with no place to go. It tore my heart out but I did it......
That was the help I offered him. He stayed out there using and drifting for about two more months after that.....I met with him again and handed him the piece of paper again. He called and emailed them and got into the program. It is free (but requires that the beneficiary work 40+ hours per week--it is his labor that pays for the meals, bed, and counseling).
Please understand that we had done everything we could up to that point......four rehabs (2 inpatient and 2 outpatient). This time....it was up to him.
That is where he is today and has been there voluntarily for the last 4+ months. He is showing with his actions that he wants to be clean and sober. He isn't spouting promises at me........
If your brother really wants help, there is help available that relies on his own dedication and personal resources and doesn't involve you, your finances, or your resources. There is help in jail/prison but he has the option to choose it or not. When he gets out, there is help if he really wants it.
I am very lucky to have some wonderful friends who are recovering addicts. One of them (who is a dear friend of my sons and used to use drugs with him) told me "I'm not going to work harder at S's recovery than he's willing to work". (S is my son). Those words stuck with me.
Just some thoughts this morning.....
You and your dear brother will be in my prayers.
gentle hugs
ke
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Savannah
Posts: 190
What was your offer of help?
Rehab but nothing in particular. For along time I tried to get him into a Christian based year long program out of town that would only cost me 1,000. It is similar to the Salvation Army in that he would have a strict schedule & would have to work. Only problem is that he would have to be accepted, there is no guarantee.
This letter he sent me is the first one ever were he has asked for help. In the past it was always me trying to convince him. But, I still have my reservations b/c the letter might just be his way of getting me to support him while he is in prison.
Rehab but nothing in particular. For along time I tried to get him into a Christian based year long program out of town that would only cost me 1,000. It is similar to the Salvation Army in that he would have a strict schedule & would have to work. Only problem is that he would have to be accepted, there is no guarantee.
This letter he sent me is the first one ever were he has asked for help. In the past it was always me trying to convince him. But, I still have my reservations b/c the letter might just be his way of getting me to support him while he is in prison.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Colorado
Posts: 88
Boy, the first half of the letter sounds identical to my brother, almost thought he wrote it. Only difference, he didn't ask for rehab help in the end of his letters, just said he needed to figure things out and get his life back on track (which ended up him lasting 3 weeks out of jail before he got caught using again).
At his particular jail there is a rehab program he could request to go into inside the jail and NA group sessions weekly. He claimed he couldn't get into them for the first 6 weeks in jail but when he realized I wasn't going to bail him out and things were more lenient in the program, he miraculously found an open bed (I found out through the head of the program there was no wait).
When I told him to talk to his counselor in jail about programs when he leaves jail, he claimed there wasn't anything they offered or told him. Later when he got thrown back in jail from work release, I picked up his clothes and in them was paperwork they gave him about sober living environments and NA meetings and such. Not a ton of stuff, but they had provided some things. I am sure if someone is really interested in finding a program they could ask and an NA sponsor or someone would help them. (He was told to get an NA sponsor while in jail, but he didn't do that either.)
So he was depressed, said he had to get his life back on track, he had screwed everything up, but he didn't actually utilize any of the things available to him. His actions didn't really match his letters unfortunately. Just something to watch for.
Side note, the jail he is at will not allow you to send stamps (or even envelopes or extra paper....I know people hide drugs on the backs of glue/sticky items). I know the jail itself provides him with a few stamps and envelopes to use at no cost. The best I could have done was send him a care package that contained some junk food along with extra paper, envelopes, and stamps through the jail commissary program, they didn't let you pick and choose.
Best of luck with your bro!!
At his particular jail there is a rehab program he could request to go into inside the jail and NA group sessions weekly. He claimed he couldn't get into them for the first 6 weeks in jail but when he realized I wasn't going to bail him out and things were more lenient in the program, he miraculously found an open bed (I found out through the head of the program there was no wait).
When I told him to talk to his counselor in jail about programs when he leaves jail, he claimed there wasn't anything they offered or told him. Later when he got thrown back in jail from work release, I picked up his clothes and in them was paperwork they gave him about sober living environments and NA meetings and such. Not a ton of stuff, but they had provided some things. I am sure if someone is really interested in finding a program they could ask and an NA sponsor or someone would help them. (He was told to get an NA sponsor while in jail, but he didn't do that either.)
So he was depressed, said he had to get his life back on track, he had screwed everything up, but he didn't actually utilize any of the things available to him. His actions didn't really match his letters unfortunately. Just something to watch for.
Side note, the jail he is at will not allow you to send stamps (or even envelopes or extra paper....I know people hide drugs on the backs of glue/sticky items). I know the jail itself provides him with a few stamps and envelopes to use at no cost. The best I could have done was send him a care package that contained some junk food along with extra paper, envelopes, and stamps through the jail commissary program, they didn't let you pick and choose.
Best of luck with your bro!!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
Please listen to your instincts (reservations) and let those instincts guide you through these mucky waters. Use caution and go slowly. You don’t need to make any decisions today on what you want to do or not do for him.
What about others in the family, friends – has he reached out to any of them?
What about others in the family, friends – has he reached out to any of them?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Savannah
Posts: 190
I am going to take some time before responding. I really need to think this one through. It is almost like it is a trap because if I tell him to figure things out on his own, then he can come back at me saying I broke my promise. I did tell him I would help, it is just that I need to figure out in what way I am actually willing to help. I don't think anyone else is talking to him but I don't know that for sure. We have one aunt (who is an addict) that sometimes communicates with my brother but I try to keep my distance from her.
It hurts that he didn't ask or say anything about me. He is my older brother by 4 years & he hasn't been there for me for so long. I have had several things happen over the last year & he doesn't have a clue. I have a lot to sort through.
Thanks for the advice!
It hurts that he didn't ask or say anything about me. He is my older brother by 4 years & he hasn't been there for me for so long. I have had several things happen over the last year & he doesn't have a clue. I have a lot to sort through.
Thanks for the advice!
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Maybe reading Anvil's Personal Bill of Rights (again) can give you some clarity. You have the right to change your mind anytime you want about being his solution. Yes, he can be angry.
Keep in mind, addicts are great with the blame game. If he doesn't succeed in a particular rehab that you helped pick, that of course will be your fault too. Tough decisions!
Keep in mind, addicts are great with the blame game. If he doesn't succeed in a particular rehab that you helped pick, that of course will be your fault too. Tough decisions!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Savannah
Posts: 190
Ok, I just called the jail & now I am angry. First of all, indigent prisoners are given two stamps and stationary weekly. My brother has been in jail for 2 months & this is the first letter I have received from him. So, apparently no one else responding to his letters??, so he decided to write me out of desperation? Secondly, I am not allowed to mail stamps or pre-stamped envelopes to him; he would have to get them from the commisary. Did he lie to me about that, or did he not realize? And, finally, the jail does offer drug rehab information. Everyone is so right, he is tyring to pull one over on me. Guess what, I am not going to do a DAM* thing for him. Why does he keep doing this to me????!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Omaha, NE
Posts: 87
YEs! Addicts are about themselves!!! From my experience...I spoke like that once..BEFORE i went into recovery and learned that life does not revolve around me. I had to learn that. He hasn't been gotten help....YET. I would provide stamps and phone numbers of places he can call to get help. Put the ball in his court.....how bad does he want the help? Also, give him the number of AA or NA in your town, they will send some people to see him if he chooses.
He is in my prayers....
He is in my prayers....
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
I would suggest:
Dear Brother:
It was nice to hear from you. I hope you mean what you say but only time and your actions will prove it.
Here is the number of the Salvation Army which I understand has an excellent in house rehab program.
Let me know how you are doing.
I really hope you mean it this time.
Love,
Sis
That pretty well covers it. Let's him know you are sitting on the fence and only his actions will prove what he says.
Short, sweet, and to the point.
Hope that helps.
Love and hugs,
Dear Brother:
It was nice to hear from you. I hope you mean what you say but only time and your actions will prove it.
Here is the number of the Salvation Army which I understand has an excellent in house rehab program.
Let me know how you are doing.
I really hope you mean it this time.
Love,
Sis
That pretty well covers it. Let's him know you are sitting on the fence and only his actions will prove what he says.
Short, sweet, and to the point.
Hope that helps.
Love and hugs,
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 951
My letter would go something like this, just food for thought:
Dear Brother,
It is good to hear from you. I know you are in a difficult place but your words give me some hope for the future. Seeing things as they are is the first step to making positive changes in your life. Yes, things have been bad but each day is an opportunity to put the past behind, repair mistakes where possible and begin living your life in a new way.
<insert info about your own life here. tell him what's happening, the good and the bad. tell him about the support you are getting for yourself to heal. tell him you've missed him very much, that you need his support too and look forward to having him around again.>
Some of my friends have loved ones that have been through the Salvation Army rehab programs and gotten good results. Their programs are free but require commitment and willingness to work. It may be a very good option for you. Here is the phone number to reach them if you want to find out more.<local number>. You might also ask there about options for treatment. Perhaps there is the possibility to serve those three months in a state run DOC treatment program? I guess that's a question for your attorney.
You have my love and support as you travel this journey. I know things look tough from where you sit today, but I have a great deal of faith in you.
Love,
Sister
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I think it requires a complete retraining for an addict to recognize that they need to think and inquire about others, that we have lives and struggles, too. I don't have a problem saying "Let me tell you what's going on with me." Eventually my brother started asking, paying attention and recognizing that I needed him to care about me, too. The self-centeredness is part of the disease, not personal or unique to him.
I do see hope in what he is writing there. He's recognizing and admitting to the problem. It's just a first step, but it's huge! It's something that I think should be acknowledged.
Most of the guys that were in treatment with my brother were there by court order. His program qualifies as a Department of Corrections facility and some had the choice of being there or in jail. I've also been in court where many people were asking the judge to remand them to this type of treatment program. Many of these guys told my brother that rehab was much like jail, and some said it was worse. It's very hard work, not a way of getting out of jail exactly, but a way to serve time while also working on themselves.
One of the best days ever was when I was struggling and fearful and told my brother about it. He showed concern and even gave me good advice. Looking forward to that day for you as well.
Peace and Prayers,
Hanna
Dear Brother,
It is good to hear from you. I know you are in a difficult place but your words give me some hope for the future. Seeing things as they are is the first step to making positive changes in your life. Yes, things have been bad but each day is an opportunity to put the past behind, repair mistakes where possible and begin living your life in a new way.
<insert info about your own life here. tell him what's happening, the good and the bad. tell him about the support you are getting for yourself to heal. tell him you've missed him very much, that you need his support too and look forward to having him around again.>
Some of my friends have loved ones that have been through the Salvation Army rehab programs and gotten good results. Their programs are free but require commitment and willingness to work. It may be a very good option for you. Here is the phone number to reach them if you want to find out more.<local number>. You might also ask there about options for treatment. Perhaps there is the possibility to serve those three months in a state run DOC treatment program? I guess that's a question for your attorney.
You have my love and support as you travel this journey. I know things look tough from where you sit today, but I have a great deal of faith in you.
Love,
Sister
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I think it requires a complete retraining for an addict to recognize that they need to think and inquire about others, that we have lives and struggles, too. I don't have a problem saying "Let me tell you what's going on with me." Eventually my brother started asking, paying attention and recognizing that I needed him to care about me, too. The self-centeredness is part of the disease, not personal or unique to him.
I do see hope in what he is writing there. He's recognizing and admitting to the problem. It's just a first step, but it's huge! It's something that I think should be acknowledged.
Most of the guys that were in treatment with my brother were there by court order. His program qualifies as a Department of Corrections facility and some had the choice of being there or in jail. I've also been in court where many people were asking the judge to remand them to this type of treatment program. Many of these guys told my brother that rehab was much like jail, and some said it was worse. It's very hard work, not a way of getting out of jail exactly, but a way to serve time while also working on themselves.
One of the best days ever was when I was struggling and fearful and told my brother about it. He showed concern and even gave me good advice. Looking forward to that day for you as well.
Peace and Prayers,
Hanna
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