Marshmallow

My husband recently relapsed on cocaine. he had been using for a couple of weeks prior to telling me. Then he went on a week long binge of cocaine and alcohol. I had no idea what to do because he had not used in over three years, and all that was over before we even met. I was stupid, let him spin for a week. I called his parents, and his dad came out last Friday. He has since stopped drinking, not sure abotu the cocaine. He told me when what he had ran out he was done.

My father in law made me leave last Friday. Sent me to a hotel. Had me move all the money from our joint accounts, suspend our joint credit card, change passwords, codes. Found out my husband had taken out over a thousand dollars last week. FIL wanted me to stay away until my husband checked back in with his psychologist and started getting some help. We did spend some time on Sunday together, all had dinner, and he begged me to stay with him. So I did. Today instead of calling his doctor, he went to work even though the office is closed and his partner is out of town.

My father in law said he will stay all week. I need to leave. I packed a bag, everything I will need for work this week and going back to the hotel for the week. I feel sick inside. I have no idea if what Im doing is right. I am trusting my FIL, and I have had some people on this site say its the right thing also.

Very hard, and Im wondering if other have taken similiar action ? Did it work out ok? Did they stop ? get help? how long until you went back?

Sunds

Marsh....I beg of you to stop panicking like this....I know you are miserable at the moment but panicking will not help....Just learn to trust others....If your Father-in-Law has agreed to help then have patience...After all he would be better equipped to tackle his son....And above all learn to trust in GOD....Believe me things will fall in place....My suggestion-just buy two copies of 'Alcoholics Anonymous'-The Big Book....and leave a copy on the table in your house where your husband might see it...But let him not think that you want him to read it....Just casually leave it in a place he might most probably find it.....The other copy you read it in your free time....
Miracles do happen...It is our own EGO which prevents miracles from happening...Our EGO wants to handle everything,understand everything and control everything....Just learn to Let Go and see how miracles happen.
Regards,
Sunder.

Marshmallow

Im not panicking. Im asking if other people have shared this experience, handled it in this same way, and what happened in their case.

Impurrfect

((Marshmallow)) - I'm an A who did relapse, but I will tell you of my XABF who relapsed as that, I think, is what you are looking for.

I was clean (not yet in recovery, that didn't come until after my relapse) and totally "in love" with XABF#3 who was also a crack addict.

He was in jail, I sent him money I really didn't have, for what he said was needed to get him out. I found out (much later) that he used it for snacks and treats for the entire dorm he was in?

He got out, shortly before Christmas. I was working, living in a motel that was on the bus line so I could get to work (no car...lost that in addiction).

He gets out, is supposed to be up here with ME (1-1/2 hours away) and I call his mom - he's gone back to the 'hood for yet another excuse.

He finally shows up. I have an infection in my leg, end up being admitted to the hospital, and he STEALS the rent money I left my roommate for the room - goes off, smokes crack, and my dad pays the rent money for the room.

He later comes to the hospital, I'm still a major codie. He takes my last cigarettes, boards a bus that one of his brothers had paid for the ticket and goes BACK to his familiar stomping grounds.

At some later point, *I* relapse. I am miserable both high and clean. I end up back with the XABF. I have a "dope boy" who actually cares about me, tell me "you don't belong here...go home, get your shytt together, and leave him (my XABF was his uncle, who he dearly loved)."

Long story short (I know, not really), I did go home to my family. I left XABF behind, as well as the life of a crackhead.

All I can tell you is that I knew, at that point, deep in my heart, I would NEVER trust him. He could have had years in recovery, and I think I would still be waiting for the other shoe to drop. To come home and everything I had was sold for drugs (that happened with XABF#2).

I know, it sounds like I don't trust recovery. I do. I'm living proof that recovery works. I just know that when trust is broken, it is verrrrrry hard to gain back. I did it with my family, but it wasn't easy. I felt like a teenager - here is where I'm going to be, this is when I will be home, this is what I paid toward outstanding bills, etc.

Thing is, I showed recovery by my actions. For some? Even that isn't enough, and I understand that. Addiction is never cured, but it can be put in remission indefinitely. The A just has to keep working recovery.

I can tell you that if it weren't for this forum and the wonderful people here? I wouldn't have the insight from "the other side of addiction" and I don't know that I would have been able to do what was right for ME.

Sorry this was so long, and not sure if it helps any, but it's just my 2 cents.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

story74

Your father in law sounds very smart. Sounds like he has been through this before with his son.

Yes, I have been through this. All stories are different, but similar. My xah was on cocaine too. I had no idea,but when I found out I moved fast. Very fast. We were divorced within 3 months, and today I have no idea where he is. I am not at all saying this wil hapeen to you. But, be smart. This has nothing to do with love, it has to do with taking care of yourself.

Many blessings!

Marshmallow

Thank you for the replies. You especially have been through a lot Impurrfect. Thank you for sharing your experience with me. I can understand how difficult it would be being on both sides of the addiction, and the trust issues.

My husband relapsed only a couple of weeks ago. When he was on the alcohol and cocaine binge I was feeling so lost. I couldnt talk to him, he was either speaking gibberish, or asleep, or would get angry. It was all foreign to me him being like this. I wish I had talked to his parents sooner. They live a few hours away, and I hesitated to let them know what was going on.

At this point Im not very angry with my husband. I am confused, a little in shock maybe. Ive been doing blindly what my FIL tells me. I guess I have to realize this may not play out as easily as I have in my mind. I am grateful he has stopped drinking though. I have been able to talk to him. But now my FIL says do not talk to him. He says he will let me know how things are going and to not take calls, or return texts. My husband doesnt know where I am. It all feels wrong for how a marriage is supposed to be. But I know he is sick and I know my FIL learned from the past.

I forgot to mention when I posted, there have been several very stressful events happen the last couple of months. One death, a business issue, couple other things like all at once. I think because he had not been cautious and taking care of himself, this stress silently worked on him & left him vulnerable.

Impurrfect

((Marshmallow)) - It sounds like your FIL has been down this road before. I'm not saying he's right, I'm just saying he may be?

I get the stressful stuff, but I can only share this. I've been through some pretty rough stuff in recovery (victim of 2 armed robberies at work, close family members deaths, loss of career (my fault), loss of job (not my fault) and going back to school at the age of 51) and that's just the highlights.

I want recovery more than anything, I know that addiction holds nothing for me but a dead end street. We A's can always find a "reason" (read excuse) to use/drink, but that doesn't make it right.

He's got to want recovery more than anything else, and that's just not something you, your FIL or anyone else can give him.

I do wish you all the best, and hope/pray that he chooses recovery.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

allforcnm

My experience is not exactly the same. My husband was in his first run of addiction when we seperated. It was his behavior that I couldnt live with; staying out late, lying, we would argue. In my case I sort of knew that once he left and got his own place - he would actually go kinda wild because it was giving him freedom to do as he pleased with no wife to appease. He had never done any drugs in the past, didnt really know the dangers until he was hooked. But anyway, he used for about a year, and then decided he was done. In his case, he didnt have anything terrible happen to him (hitting bottom) he just said he got tired of living like that and wanted his life back. Then he came home and asked for help, went into rehab and I have supported him from that point on. He will have a year clean at the end of the month.

If your husband has been clean for three years prior to this, then that is great. Hopefully he has a stable life already in place. But something in his recovery went wrong, failed him. Relapse can make overall recovery stronger, it can be an important lesson learned IF he steps up and gets the help he needs to stop again, and make a stronger recovery plan. Sounds like he already has a therapist to work with. Now he just has to want to get back to work.

Lily1918

I am a shining example of what NOT to do. What did I do when he relapsed to opiates? I relapsed into codependency.

I blew up his phone
I drove around all hours of the night looking for him
I pretended to believe his lies
I lost all of my sense of self worth
The relapse lasted only a month and in that one month I lost all of my hope because I lost myself trying to stop it. Its like standing in front of a train.

I often wonder what I will do if he relapses again. I would love to say that I simply wont answer the phone, and change the locks. I think your FIL sounds trustworthy. He seems to be doing all of the right things.

Kindeyes

Is it the right thing? No one here has the crystal ball that will give you the answer that you want to hear.......only time will tell. It sounds like your FIL is doing his best but the control on this matter ultimately lies with your husband. The things that your FIL advised you to do to protect yourself and your finances sounds very wise.

I'm so sorry that you're dealing with this......it is so very hard. You and your dear husband will be in my prayers.

Take care of you.

gentle hugs
ke

Sunshine2

I agree. Your FIL sounds like a very wise man. All his actions is towards protecting you whilst your husband is doing what he does.

It sounds as if your FIL understands codependence and the damage it can do and he is trying to make sure your husband does not have anyone around him that will enable him. Is your FIL a bit too controlling? Perhaps, but I would give him the benefit of the doubt for a month or three and see where it leads. It definitely sounds like your FIL has been down this road before and has a very clear head.

Good luck.

Seren

Taking steps to secure your finances and protect your safety sound like very smart steps, indeed. I wish I could tell you that your loving presence was support enough for your husband to get and stay clean, but it doesn't seem to have worked so far, and you have been his loving and supportive partner for how long? I am not at all suggesting that you leave your husband (i.e. legal separation or divorce). It just seems to me that it is a good and wise thing to remain away from him while he is actively in self-destruct mode.

Please take good care of yourself. I hope you enjoy the rest and peace from being away from all this!

AnvilheadII

It all feels wrong for how a marriage is supposed to be.

so very true. cocaine binges, drunkeness, out of control spending, lying to the spouse, NONE Of that is how a marriage "should" be. however, right now, this is what you have to deal with.

i suggest that while you are apart you think long and hard about the big picture. chances are good that this "relapse" didn't JUST start two weeks ago....but just got out of control recently. thing about the Beast known as addiction, once it's let out of the cage, it's harder than heck to get locked back up. he won't just snap back to "normal" not by a long shot. this isn't just a blip. not if he's spending a grand in one week.

it's worse than you know. i don't say that to scare you, but to make sure you are being realistic about your situation. now you know how quickly the monster can roar to life and how quickly it can destroy things. stay aware and stay wary.

Marshmallow

I wanted to comment on each one of your replies, they all have understanding and wisdom. I worked all day, and now instead of going home I only have a hotel to return to. It is nice, my father inlaw made sure I was ok, but it is not home. And I feel sad again.

My husband has now started calling me and texting me just like my father in law said would happen. He said do not reply. But he is not reading the words, adn hearing his voice and it makes me feel sad, and horrrible for not reaching out to him.

I called his psychologist today and gave him an update. I asked if what my FIL has me doing is what is best. He said that he wouldnt say it is best, but it has started now and I should give it a few days. understanding it is to put pressure on my husband to admit he is out of control and needs help before it gets worse.

One of his messages said he was probably going to lose his job today, and he needed me. He knows my FIL had me leave and he cant believe I would follow orders like this. He said he threw his dad out.

But I talked to his dad later, and he said they did have an argument, but he wasnt going anywhere. FIL has now talked to his business partner since he came back from vacation, and they also know each other. He said they were going to work together, and it was best if I stayed out of it. That i was his wife, and it wasnt my place to be involved with all this. I was at work earlier, and I saw this article about marriage and now Ive downloaded a book How to Fall in Love For LIfe from someone married 73 years. Going to see if this cheers me up any.

pravchaw

Best wishes MM. Trust your FIL and HP. Lots of good advise on this page. There is nothing you can do but to take care of yourself.

Marshmallow

Its soo not funny. Im certainly takigng care of myself, I had room service tonight prepare my food, and then take the dirty dishes away ! That is living. And tomorrow I dont even have to make up my bed someone does that too ! Its not home, but I could get used to the carefree life I think. Would only be better if my clean and sober husband was here with me.