dun

Yesterday was the miserable end to 15 months of sobriety. A couple of weeks ago I started to get the thought that maybe I had this addiction thing beat and maybe I wasnt like the rest of the people. I could handle it. I lasted about 4 or 5 times out drinking and yesterday I ended up exactly where I was so many months ago. Blacked out, face down on the couch, with no idea what happened. I dont know why it is so easy to talk yourself into thinking that you can handle things that so many times and for so many years you had absolutely no control over. Its so fitting that I am sitting here typing this, feeling the same way I did before I checked myself into rehab. I guess my only hope is that someone actually reads this and takes it to heart, we can never stop fighting. I'm not sure if its harder or more painful when you relapse after being sober for a longer amount of time? The disappointment of all of the people that supported your recovery is the worst part. The only way that I could make things right and ok with my family was by staying sober, and now, again that is gone. Why,after all of the pain and grief that alcohol has caused, would you do all that you can to get back to it. Insane.
So, I will now somehow try and come up with a new plan and way to start over. And now that I know the stuff that I said and was told is true, I can not ever drink again.

TorontoGuy28

I would look back and celebrate the 15 months of hard work and dedication to sobriety !

We are not perfect, mistakes happen, but we need to learn from them (what else needs tweaking in your recovery plan) and move on !

15 months is an incredible accomplishment ! Dust off and get back to work !!

soberlicious

Down the drain? Not completely. You did something right for 15 months. All is not lost. Let this time be the last time.

What is your plan for this final time?

Odelle

Lesson learned! Pick yourself up and keep moving forward. Btw, I would not consider the previous 15 months of sobriety lost! Those are yours and well earned. Your family will be thrilled that you back in the saddle and in control, so let go of the shame and forgive yourself, just as others will! I too have come to terms with the fact that I cannot moderate and that complete abstinence is the only way to keep myself from falling back into the pit of alcoholism. Kudos to you for acknowledging your plight and wishing you many more happy years of sobriety.

Nonsensical

looks like simple math to me:

dun capabilities > dun inadequacies

1. get up
2. dust off
3. get back in the saddle

Valll

Dear dun,

15 months is a fantastic achievement - you can do it again...I am sure you will.

My brother has been drinking heavily every single day for 20 years - living on the streets for the last few before he was told if he didn't stop he would die.

I am soooooo very proud of him now as he has had 20 months without constant alcohol albeit with 4 very small glitches/relapses if you like during his recovery, although they were literally 1 or 2 days before he remembered why he doesn't drink anymore. He was devastated by his glitches, they spurred him on and have made him even more determined to succeed.

Wishing you all the very best.

aasharon90

Staying sober each day for me for the past
22 yrs, is listening intentively to many who
go back out and try to control their drinking
to come back to the rooms of recovery and
share how it hasn't changed. It saddens me
so to see so many do this and understand
the insanity of it, but, for me, they go out
in my place so I don't have to.

Even after 22 yrs sobriety, there is no doubt
in my mind that I can ever drink successfully.
I didn't work way back when and wont
anytime soon.

Arm yourself with the knowledge and tool
of addiction and use what you learn to help
yourself stay sober, then pass on your own
experiences, strengths and hopes of what
your life was and is like before, during and
after your drinking career.

veryready

Thanks for posting this. Never cured are we.

least

Welcome back! Glad you're giving it another go. I relapsed four years ago after twenty years sober. It took me a year and a half to get back on the wagon again but now, after three years sober, I know I'll never drink again. You can do this!

SnwFlower

The good news is that today is a new day! Fifteen months is an incredible accomplishment and something to be extremely proud of. You can dust yourself off and get up with your head held high and keep moving forward with your sobriety.

dun

I knew I would get some good advice and encouragement here. Thanks for the post. Maybe if I would have been around here more, I would have made better decisions? Plan moving ahead is not drinking until I get an actual plan together. It was in a sense easier last time, I went to inpatient and after that everything was planned out for me. Looks like im going to have to get to some meetings.

coming_clean

For me it helped thinking about the following.

For a diabetic, it's very normal just to not take sugar. Even though everybody around him/her does take it. Moderation sure is not an option, it's something he/she can't beat.

However, a diabetic still can live a very awesome life.

I consider my addiction, my DOC, as diabetes, or some other chronical disease.
Once accepted this, it suddenly became a lot easier to just focus on other stuff then doing dope.

Ever met a diabetic that focusses on sugar all day? trying to moderate or beat it?

SDSurfn

I'm sorry this happened, but thank you for posting this dun.

You're helping me stay sober today.

You know what to do now. You've finished your research.

shauninspain

Definitely not 'Down the drain'. But a timely reminder that we live with alcoholism for the rest of our lives. I have had my fair share of them myself. Hopefully, I have learned that I am not like normal drinkers where alcohol is concerned.

Everyone's road is different. Some give up and never drink again. Many, do drink, only to find themselves blacked out and confused. But I am sure you will look back on this as a very valuable lesson. And you will learn from it. It might have saved your life in the long run.

aussieblue

Glad your going to give it another go Dun, don't give up, just keep trying.

Dee74

Welcome back Dun

You made a mistake - mistakes can be a great way to get wise.
It's a new day

How did you stay sober for 15 months?

D

SnwFlower

I can really relate with your way of thinking coming_clean, in treating it like another disease or food allergy. My mom has Celiac Disease, so she cannot eat any gluten at all. So I use that as my comparison and treat alcohol as such. I've actually tricked my brain into thinking of it that way and it works wonders!

sobersonja

Dun, thanks for sharing what happened.When I've done the same thing before after 4 years clean,I played around with trying to moderate my addiction.There's something about when we have alittle clean time and know how great it is.It messes up our using cause we know what we're doing more than before we ever had some clean time,if you know what I mean. I never could really lie to myself,denial.My life was not "real" anymore.But the addiction got it's claws into me again for 5 years I was in a vicious cycle until I knew I would die if I didn't stop.And I did.A few days away from 8 months.This time was really hard.So,the reason I even said this is I commend you for reaching out to us about your slip or relapse.You have all of us saying how good you did getting 18 months! You can learn so much about what happened before you slipped.I like the old saying it's alcoholism not alcoholwasm. To thine own self be true. You can do this !

Lost3000

Thank you SO MUCH for posting. I am 15 months sober, and your post has really hit home with me. I continue to go to my AA mtgs and keep in contact with friends there. I basically continue to work my program to the best of my ability. Wishing you the best.

sobersonja

Lol, I didn't mean to put that thankyou there Dun, I'm not thanking you for your slip.