I just need to vent.... yet again.... **culture shock issues**

Old 04-01-2013, 01:18 AM
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I just need to vent.... yet again.... **culture shock issues**

Ok, where to start? I come from the wrong side of the tracks. I grew up, and have always lived in the hood (ya know... the bad part of town.) My family is, and has always been lower middle class.
We are just like the Weasleys from Harry Potter. Almost exactly. Say what you think. (Yes, the weasleys are british but its besides the point) be who you are. Screw being polite. Always in apartments and trailer parks. The difference between wants and needs materialistically. (although not perfect, especially emotionally, and my mom and sister did and still do confuse their addictions as a need not a want.) Give extra to the poor, well poor-er I guess. Typical Irish family. Except my mom and I are the only gingered freckled ones, my sisters are raven haired an porcelain skinned because of their dad, but the celtic culture is very much alive in us. Hence my love of folklore.

This guys family, on the other hand, comes from the nice part of town. Their house is a museum. They accept "me" but they all put on faces. They never show their true emotions. They always are a part of "putting on the face" They are rarely just..... real.

I was invited to the grand ballroom easter luncheon today and left it feeling ... well ...drained.
It was like something right out of the Princess Diaries. They are intrigued as to why their boy would choose someone from a different social class. Its just so hard.

I know what they think of me is none of my business, but it just feels like a culture clash. I just cant tipple champagne and talk about the weather. I felt like Rose in Titanic.

My BF hasn't made me feel this way I would like to think I don't have to put on a face with him. He claims to be intrigued by my "flowerchild" mentality.

How can I be a Christian and yet love celtic folklore and Harry Potter!? Witchcraft is the devil. Teaching my daughter about unicorns and dragons.... oh the horror!! -_-

Ugh. Frustrated and venting.

Infuriated to be scolded for teaching my daughter folklore in addition to parables from the Bible. I just cannot imagine a childhood without faerie tales. I simply CANNOT let my celtic heritage die. These fables have been passed down from generation to generation. From great grandma to grams to me.

Harry Potter has taught me sooooo much! I grew up with it! It has given me soooooo much strength. Just look at Lily Evans and Hermione Granger! Such powerful and strong women!


Ugh. I think I handled it well on the outside. I didnt voice it to them this way. I simply replied to their scoldings with " I want to keep the culture of our family alive.I tell her It is just make believe, but I also believe that legends and faerie tales are lessons, and many of them do in fact communicate Biblical truth but in a way that an imaginative child would enjoy, similar to the Narnia series. D tells me He read all of those as a boy, but I do appreciate your opinions."

Their reply " you arent Irish youre American. You dont even have an accent"

Oh... well exuse me... 'ould u ather me talk like a leprechan?? Dats allll we iredish beee aye? Ugh! Aye nearly bit me tongue off. hahaha


Ugh the list goes on and on and on. I felt like when they invite Jack to the fancy dinner and then mock him for his social status.

Feeling hurt and resentful.

But I didnt allow it to ruin the day. I had a beautiful easter morning at church. Hunted eggs with the kids. Had a couples counselling session with my bf, and he expressed similar culture clash feelings with my family, and struggles with not needing to have a mask painted on, and feels judged for coming from the other side of the tracks as well. We are both in very similar, although opposite boats. We did have our first sober argument today because of the differences between our families and cultures, but we parted on good terms, thanks to our counsellor and some good scripture and recovery readings.

Ok. Done venting. It really was just a couple of tiny blips on an overall bright day, but it does feel so good to let it all out here. It really is all about acceptance, isn't it?
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Old 04-01-2013, 05:37 AM
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It doesn't sound to me like they just talk about the weather! I can't imagine berating a guest for their childrearing choices over a Holiday meal.

Honey, whoever did that is plain rude. Just because they have a little money doesn't mean they understand basic etiquette. In my opinion, it's not even an issue of culture, but one of class. It is not appropriate to invite someone over and then make them uncomfortable. Period. You don't have to defend yourself or your choices.

But don't let his family cause problems between the two of you. None of us can control our family members.

For what it's worth, I believe from many things you have written that you are an awesome Mom.
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Old 04-01-2013, 06:35 AM
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Lily
Sometimes it has nothing to do with economic status and everything to do with our own insecurities and people who sense that and get a bit of pleasure from exposing it. My dear husband and I come from a very similar economic background.....except I grew up in the suburbs and he grew up on a cattle ranch. He has a sister who will go for the throat all the while laughing. It took me a while but I finally figured out how to best cope with her.

Just be who you are.....technically......you aren't in a relationship with them. And I have no doubt that you'll figure out how best to deal with them over time.

gentle hugs
ke
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Old 04-01-2013, 07:36 AM
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Lily, I grew up around extremely wealthy people. They were my next door neighbors yet we were not in the same economic class , not even close. They took elaborate ski vacations, trips to Europe, had summer vacation homes, expensive sport cars for each kid, etc, etc. There were 6 families surrounding my home. 45 cousins in all, most of them were my close friends depending on the age. We had some awesome neighborhood fun, lol.

Trust me when I tell you the dysfunction was rampant, but tried to be kept as the "family secrets". Addiction was in every generation throughout the family tree. One expensive rehab after another and too many young, senseless deaths!

Money does not buy happiness, recovery or even healthiness. I still keep in touch with some of my childhood friends, one in particular. Sometimes, as adults, we share our family secrets. I thought her family life was almost perfect yet she envied mine. Neither one was remotely close to perfect.

Just keep being true to yourself and your core values. It's not about where we came from, it's about who we are that counts. There is a reason God didn't chose the wealthy or powerful to teach his message. Look at who HE chose!
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Old 04-01-2013, 08:22 AM
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OMG roflmao

I know this is serious, however, I went through this years ago, as in no one I dated was 'good enough for me' according to my folks, especially my mother. Yep I grew up upper middle class. Of course, it was never to be ever 'mentioned' that my mother's mother was a full blooded Lakota Indian, lol That was a BIG family secret. doG forbid that anyone know my mother was a 'half-breed'. Sheesh her words not mine.

And my mother was absolutely furious with me, when I started researching my heritage early in my recovery and learning the Native American Ways.

This was a big cause of my rebellion against my raising, because I just did not want to see a 'class' difference. So when I laughed it was at me, not at you, and how long it took me to 'stand up for myself' so to speak. It was not until I had been in recovery for several years, and almost 40 years old that I was able to ACCEPT that I 'walked to a differnt drummer' than my mother and that it was Okay. Hmm after that it was a subject that she did not bring up with me very often.

You know it took me almost a year in AA before I understood what some of the folks would say about themselves, that they were CIA. Catholic, Irish, Alcoholic, and most of them had become pretty damn successful by my mothers terms. I told her that in one of our disagreements. Also told her that these folks could 'buy and sell her several times over.'

Lily I hated growing up that way, and you can guess where I always gravitated to, yep in my mother's words "to the wrong side of the tracks." I have known for a long time now why my friends there were so appealing too me ........................ they were REAL. Their families were REAL. No BS, they didn't pretend that things were 'wonderful' when they weren't. They didn't 'put on airs' and act 'better than'. They didn't try to 'keep up with the Jones" or be the Jones that others were trying to keep up with.

I remember at about 8 years old when my love of horses really started to be apparent. Well........... I had to go for 'riding lessons' according to my mother. The first time I arrived there and they brought out a Welsh pony with an English saddle on him, I threw an absolute fit. I did NOT want to ride English, I wanted a 'cowboy saddle.' Well, it was a compromise of sorts. My first year of lessons I learned English, then I could finally ride Western and I NEVER went back! roflmao

(((((Lily))))) I don't know your BF or his family but in some ways I do. I suspect his using of alcohol started out just as mine did as a way to get 'away from his family' and 'their ideas' about themselves and 'their social class'.

You are and have shown yourself to be a bright, very smart, young lady, who is managing an awful lot in her young life and managing it very well. Being a single mom and having one of your children be disabled to a degree is quite a burden, and yet you are doing a really 'bang up job!'

Be damn proud of who you are, this country was BUILT on the backs of the Irish Immigrants that landed here!!!!!

You did good yesterday, real good. Just remember, the next time you have to be around them, and I am sure there will be a 'next time', hold your head up high, and just be you. If they don't like that, oh well, not your problem, and they will miss out on getting to know a very wonderful human being.

As to your BF, either he will learn how to just be himself around your family or not, and if not he will be cheating himself out of a wonderful experience(s). And you can tell him I said so, rofl Tell him that comes from a person raised by Upper Crust Stuffed Shirts, who in recovery from alcoholism learned to be her own person, not a 'carbon copy' of the 'snobs' that raised her. lmao

Wow, so sorry to get wordy, but your post brought up a bunch of memories and most of them not very good, how my parents, mostly my mom, would try and 'browbeat' my friends that came to the house. She was a real 'piece of work' my mom was.

I wrote the above to help you see that I REALLY DO UNDERSTAND!!! You just keep on trudgin forward my dear sweet lady, you are doing fantastic!!!!!

Oh, and the next time something like that happens, just picture ALL of us there with you. Now you will have to try not to 'giggle' but the mental picture will put them in 'their place'. roflmao And we were there with you yesterday, in spirit!

Lots of love and bunches of hugs,
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Old 04-01-2013, 09:00 AM
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Hi Lily,

I can relate but from the position of your boyfriend. My childhood was one of privilege on many levels, but now that I'm older I realize that money and status don't mean much when talking about family, friends and mutual respect. Growing up in that environment comes with pressure and expectations, often unspoken, and if you chose not to place a high value on social status, you are judged. I know I have been.

My sister has always had relationships with men who my parents instantly approved of. They came from "good" families, were successful and wealthy. They have always been welcomed and used as a reference point for the type of partners I should want.

The woman I've been seeing for over a year comes from a very different background. Her youth was challenging in ways I could never understand. She came from a very low income family, dealt with addiction and struggles I never saw in my sheltered youth. My parents and sister simply can't get past the fact that she is so open and unappologetic about her past. Her and I talk about everything and we both see it. But that said, I'm judged by here family as well. While they are happy for us and are certainly warmer towards me, I can tell there are lingering questions and at times they can't understand why she's with me. But the main difference is that they are curious about me as a person, not my social standing or how their friends will view me. They simply want their daughter to be happy, as long as we are, they are happy for us.

People form opinions and pass judgements for so many different reasons and you can't be concerned with it. If it ever becomes a situation where you feel disrespected, it needs to be discussed and possibly addressed, but the acceptance of your partner is the most important thing.

Not sure how much help that is, just know that your partner obviously sees you for who you are and that means everything.
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Old 04-01-2013, 11:35 PM
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Thank you for your replies. After sitting on it for a day I want to say that they really are kind people, in their own way.

It just baffles me. D told me just dont put on the mask. Whatever you do, dont put on the mask.

I guess everyone is different.
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