limbo
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Over here.
Posts: 369
limbo
hi everyone. it's been a long time since i've posted. i've been lurking around here and there, but not as much as i was. i think my brain hit a point of overload and i needed to try to sort things out. still haven't, but here i am anyway.
as a (very) quick re-cap, i spent most of the last year and a half dealing (or not) with my boyfriend's opiate addiction. things got worse and worse, as they usually do, until it reached a climax two days before NYE when he showed up back at my house half-alive. he spent the next month being treated for infections in his arms from injecting pills, lying around, and eventually (finally) trying to get help. i spent that month not in a very good place--not wanting him here but not wanting to kick him out, wanting him to get help, feeling resentful of everything, etc. at the end of january he left for rehab, stayed there about a month and then moved on to sober living. he is 1500 miles away from me. i've spent the past two months trying to recover from the roller coaster ride and get ME back.
the issue(s) i face now... well, i feel like i'm in limbo. i feel like i'm not exactly sure what i want anymore. i feel like i am working on the things about me that i need to work on, he says he is working on the things about him he needs to work on, but we aren't (and can't, i guess) work on US. he really seems to be getting what he needs where he is, and i'm grateful for that. he has needed help for awhile and he is getting it and taking it seriously and committed to fixing himself. this is all good, but i'm having a hard time with dealing with my anger, resentment, fear, etc. that comes from everything that happened while he was using.
i want to be nothing but supportive, on the one hand. on the other hand, some (a lot) of my resentment comes from the fact that this relationship has been and is revolving around him and all that comes with addiction. i totally understand that this is how it has to be but it doesn't stop me from wondering when we can deal with the damage done to this relationship. or if we can. am i supposed to work on myself and he on himself and then we just try to be together without acknowledging or working through what happened?? or does there come a time when i can really feel heard and understood by HIM about US.
i have choices, i know that. i get it. i can end this and move on if i feel like i'm not getting and will never get what i want and need from a relationship with him. but i'm not even sure how i really feel anymore, as i said in the beginning. one day, i miss him and love him and want to work through this. the next, i'm angry and hurt and fearful and i think i can't take any more. on those days, what conversations we have are awful. i'm terrible and my defense mechanisms are too. he ends up angry at me and i at him and we get nowhere. not to mention that it's totally counter-productive to his recovery when this happens.
anyway... chances are, he will be gone at least another two months. at least. after all we've been through, sometimes i think, what's a couple more months if i've already spent all this time trying? other times i think, i am plain sick of this and all that comes with it and i want out. i don't know how to figure myself out. i don't know what to do with my feelings that have no place in this. i don't know. i just don't know.
sorry to babble on for so long. i guess i'm just wanting to get this out somehow where someone might understand and maybe has felt the same or similarly. i thought before that if he got help i would be so happy and that would be all that mattered. i didn't think about the fallout and now i'm in the middle of it. thank you for reading, if you did...and i appreciate any viewpoints, advice, encouragement, support, what-have-you.
* i also want to note that outside of this situation, i am doing pretty well. i've been taking WAY better care of myself, focusing on getting and staying healthy emotionally and physically. i've become a lot more 'zen' about life in general. but when it comes to this, i feel like a different person altogether. anyone else know what i mean???
as a (very) quick re-cap, i spent most of the last year and a half dealing (or not) with my boyfriend's opiate addiction. things got worse and worse, as they usually do, until it reached a climax two days before NYE when he showed up back at my house half-alive. he spent the next month being treated for infections in his arms from injecting pills, lying around, and eventually (finally) trying to get help. i spent that month not in a very good place--not wanting him here but not wanting to kick him out, wanting him to get help, feeling resentful of everything, etc. at the end of january he left for rehab, stayed there about a month and then moved on to sober living. he is 1500 miles away from me. i've spent the past two months trying to recover from the roller coaster ride and get ME back.
the issue(s) i face now... well, i feel like i'm in limbo. i feel like i'm not exactly sure what i want anymore. i feel like i am working on the things about me that i need to work on, he says he is working on the things about him he needs to work on, but we aren't (and can't, i guess) work on US. he really seems to be getting what he needs where he is, and i'm grateful for that. he has needed help for awhile and he is getting it and taking it seriously and committed to fixing himself. this is all good, but i'm having a hard time with dealing with my anger, resentment, fear, etc. that comes from everything that happened while he was using.
i want to be nothing but supportive, on the one hand. on the other hand, some (a lot) of my resentment comes from the fact that this relationship has been and is revolving around him and all that comes with addiction. i totally understand that this is how it has to be but it doesn't stop me from wondering when we can deal with the damage done to this relationship. or if we can. am i supposed to work on myself and he on himself and then we just try to be together without acknowledging or working through what happened?? or does there come a time when i can really feel heard and understood by HIM about US.
i have choices, i know that. i get it. i can end this and move on if i feel like i'm not getting and will never get what i want and need from a relationship with him. but i'm not even sure how i really feel anymore, as i said in the beginning. one day, i miss him and love him and want to work through this. the next, i'm angry and hurt and fearful and i think i can't take any more. on those days, what conversations we have are awful. i'm terrible and my defense mechanisms are too. he ends up angry at me and i at him and we get nowhere. not to mention that it's totally counter-productive to his recovery when this happens.
anyway... chances are, he will be gone at least another two months. at least. after all we've been through, sometimes i think, what's a couple more months if i've already spent all this time trying? other times i think, i am plain sick of this and all that comes with it and i want out. i don't know how to figure myself out. i don't know what to do with my feelings that have no place in this. i don't know. i just don't know.
sorry to babble on for so long. i guess i'm just wanting to get this out somehow where someone might understand and maybe has felt the same or similarly. i thought before that if he got help i would be so happy and that would be all that mattered. i didn't think about the fallout and now i'm in the middle of it. thank you for reading, if you did...and i appreciate any viewpoints, advice, encouragement, support, what-have-you.
* i also want to note that outside of this situation, i am doing pretty well. i've been taking WAY better care of myself, focusing on getting and staying healthy emotionally and physically. i've become a lot more 'zen' about life in general. but when it comes to this, i feel like a different person altogether. anyone else know what i mean???
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Pennsylvania
Posts: 505
I'm sorry you're going through this, mistrust, but I also think it's great that outside of the situation with your bf, you are feeling so much better and taking better care of yourself. In all of this, THAT is the most important thing, to put yourself and your needs first. Unfortunately, I don't have any experience with your situation, as my addict ended it completely with me and is in NO WAY interested in getting help for his addiction. But I will say that I think what you are feeling is absolutely normal and understandable under the circumstances. I can understand how you still love him and are glad he's getting help, yet you're also just tired of the situation and the struggle. Whatever you decide, I hope that it is the decision that is best for YOU. Sending hugs.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
that's a lot to decide...and thankfully you don't have to decide ANYTHING today! long long ago, when I was 19, pregnant and had just dropped out of college...I had a counselor thru Catholic Children Services to help me decide if I was going to give the baby up for adoption or keep her. as I said, I was 19, unemployed, no reserve funds, back living with my mother (god help me) and she had stated quite clearly that SHE would not support me and the baby.
my counselor told me to think about what I wanted in MY life...what were MY dreams, hopes and aspirations, what did I hope to accomplish in life. she encouraged me to be as selfish as possible. and then she said, now add in a baby, at this time in your life, with your limited/lacking resources....what happens to that life I envisioned, that future.
I had two choices to make....first and foremost, what was best FOR ME. and then what was best for the child. because if I didn't put me first, and position myself to have the best life possible, how on earth could I possibly provide for a dependent child??? I didn't want to be sitting there one day and "resent" her for what had become of my life, nor did I I want her to resent me for the same.
tough call for a 19 yr old eh? I chose to give her up for adoption - while I did not meet her parents, I did have a say in the type of family I thought best. both working professionals, established, committed. thru my counselor I knew that a few years later they adopted another girl, and that everyone was doing well. she thrived. I thrived.
I share this because I believe it is VITAL that we do what is in our BEST interests, what will give us the best chance to be open to the best life has to offer. that what can seem so selfish is in fact a selfless act....because we do not make anyone else responsible for our future. we do not say "if they, then I........" - we do not place our future and our happiness in anyone else's hands....and when we do that, we free others as well.
my counselor told me to think about what I wanted in MY life...what were MY dreams, hopes and aspirations, what did I hope to accomplish in life. she encouraged me to be as selfish as possible. and then she said, now add in a baby, at this time in your life, with your limited/lacking resources....what happens to that life I envisioned, that future.
I had two choices to make....first and foremost, what was best FOR ME. and then what was best for the child. because if I didn't put me first, and position myself to have the best life possible, how on earth could I possibly provide for a dependent child??? I didn't want to be sitting there one day and "resent" her for what had become of my life, nor did I I want her to resent me for the same.
tough call for a 19 yr old eh? I chose to give her up for adoption - while I did not meet her parents, I did have a say in the type of family I thought best. both working professionals, established, committed. thru my counselor I knew that a few years later they adopted another girl, and that everyone was doing well. she thrived. I thrived.
I share this because I believe it is VITAL that we do what is in our BEST interests, what will give us the best chance to be open to the best life has to offer. that what can seem so selfish is in fact a selfless act....because we do not make anyone else responsible for our future. we do not say "if they, then I........" - we do not place our future and our happiness in anyone else's hands....and when we do that, we free others as well.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Massachusetts (south shore)
Posts: 125
Hi mstrust. It is a horrible situation/dilemma isn't it? Your emotions are all over the place. I know, I am in the same spot. My husband is in recovery from opiates as well. He is not away like your BF, but still dealing with things by going to N/A and counseling. I don't know what I want either. When I see him, I feel as though he is really trying "this time", but then as you say...all the anger, resentment and so on come rushing forward. I am hoping someone with more advice will answer your post...because I am in need of answers too. Sorry, I can't give you any advice, but I feel for you after reading your post, and wish the best for you.
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