ShootingStar1

In few days it will be my 20th wedding anniversary with my soon to be ex husband. Today I went to an Easter service at a church very much like the one we were married in. The organ postlude was Widor's Toccata, a spelling binding joyful exuberant dance, that makes me think of trumpets announcing a new world, a new life. It was the song my new husband and I chose to go down the aisle, newly married.

Today, I had to leave the sanctuary, but I couldn't leave the music, so I stood in the vestibule and listened with tears pouring down my cheeks.

How did we come to this? How did the promise,the joy, the beguilement of a new happy life to come turn into this? Where did that beautiful bride of 20 years go? How did her husband, who cherished her that day, abandon it all?

I don't know what to do with this grief right now except to live through it. The sermon was about renewal. When the Israelites left Egypt for the promised land, they wandered through long struggles and travails and it took them 40 years to arrive at the promised land, just 300 miles away. The point was that leaving the difficulty you know, which is familiar in its badness, often involves great struggle to get where you need to be.

I just didn't expect this. That music has always stirred my soul with joy, and hearing it today brought back such a deep body memory of my wedding day - the sounds, what it felt like, the lace on my wedding gown, the smell of the flowers, the anticipatory air in the church, the reveling dance down the aisle, It is just so much pain today.

I know the answers of how we got here, but it is like reading a book about facts when your heart is wide open and crying. I guess it is just a day, a week, the time past April 10th, the time past this grief, however long it takes to dissipate, to be lived through.

How did we, when we thought we had it all in front of us, come to this? I just don't understand. I know what happened but I don't understand why. What a senseless loss. I want him back as he was that day, with all the love and commitment to me in his eyes, in his heart. I want me back, that beautiful young woman with joy in her being.

I just don't understand.


ShootingStar1

laurie6781

I do understand what you are talking about. I have been through this, not once, but twice.

You know after my first divorce, when I was still practicing my own addiction, I had a really great attorney, and this was 1976, so when I look back it was really amazing that he advised me to go to 'grief counseling' as if Donald had died, because in reality I was grieving the loss of the Donald I knew, of our marriage and of our future. He was correct and I did go. It really changed things for me.

In recovery when I divorced my second husband in '87, again I was advised, this time by both my AA sponsor and my Alanon sponsor (yes they were both very good friends, lol) to again go to 'grief counseling' because in essence my marriage had died as had the person I thought Kenn was.

Most hospitals and/or the local hospice can steer you to a grief counseling group. My first time, a local hospital told me the 'times' that such a group was held at their facility. The second time I called the local hospice up in Reno (we lived just outside of Carson City) and they gave me the times they held such a group in Reno, and a 'satellite' office in Carson City where there was also such a group. Both times, this was free, and my understanding is that to this day, those type of sessions are still free.

I cannot say enough how much those sessions helped me to 'walk through', not walk over it, or around it, or run away from it, but to go ahead and 'feel' the grief and walk on through to the other side. Maybe just maybe, such a group, might help you also.

Love and hugs,

dandylion

My dear Shootingstar. You don't have to understand it. You can't understand all the mysteries of life, anyway. I think that we figure if we can understand it, somehow it will change history--change what happened.

shootingstar, that (still) beautiful woman standing in the hall crying this a.m was, in reality a woman in the processs of a healing journey. A woman who will still feel anticipatory excitement and joy in a future circumstance.

Thank you for posting and sharing this with us.

sincerely, dandylion

LexieCat

Star,

Just a hug here from me. I know how that kind of moment feels.

These "moments" will become fewer, and less intense, with time and healing.

Tuffgirl

I know when in the moment, sentences like this above sound hollow, but I can attest to it being the truth.

I still have moments when I get stuck in the "why" of it all. And I have to tell myself over and over again that it doesn't matter why. It's like a horrible tragedy with no rhyme or reason. It just is.

Hugs today,
~T

cr995

Shootingstar1 when I read your post - well I could have written it myself - except that my AH is divorcing ME and is the one who refuses to have any communication with me, threatened and did call the police if I visited, but also sends nasty and hurtful emails now which I no longer reply to. After I left him I started Alanon meeting but felt I never had a chance to practise what I learnt with him. I feel if only I was in your position I could have everything I need to 'fix' things.

Yes I identify with looking back to where we started from - in your case 20 years in mine 27 years and wondering how we ended up here? I pretty much know it was because of alcoholism - if not only that - well certainly largely because of that.

When you are so young starting out with someone - you seem to grow, moulded by what's happening around you and for me I certainly had a lot of ideas similar to those of my husband. We were usually on the same page regarding ideas about bringing up children, our dreams of the future, politics etc, which contributed to our feelings of togetherness, of being one, but the alcohol seemed to bring a darkness - evil even, into out lives through him.

At the moment I am so focused on reacting or trying not to react to what he does and says that I am losing myself and stalling my own attempt at recovery. It's like he's been stolen, spirited away by a monster of his choice! I realize that my only problem in day to day life is the crippling loneliness. This lessens when I am working or have any social event, but it is the 'idea' of not being married to him , or being with him in the future that causes this awful grief in me. And yet the last time we were together he was so horrid to me. (while he was drunk of course, next day he tried to make up but I was rigid with pain).

After I moved away he said he missed me loads and life was not as much fun without me but then when I came to spend 2 weeks with him he spent most of the time fighting the bottle - it was all he could do to stay sober for even an afternoon. He swings between telling me he did not love me for the past 15 years and stayed with me for the sake of our kids - and yet a few months before I left he had told me that the week before he saw me come into the room , thought how beautiful I was and realized how much he loved me. So I know what he says he only stayed for the kids it's not true - yet this is what he's prepared to say just to hurt me.

And then I have to get my head around grieving the loss of someone who is so intent on making me hurt and suffer!!


I reassure myself finally that it's not anything we did - it's the alcohol.

You're not alone. ((hugs))

laurie6781

(((((cr995)))))

Yes you are grieving. You are grieving the death of the man you knew. You are grieving the loss of your marriage to that same man. You are grieving the loss of the future you two were going to have. Yes he has become a MONSTER and is no longer the man you fell in love with. Grief counseling will not make you forget, but it will help you to get some closure, forgive his actions (not reopen yourself to trust him again)and move on with your new life and new adventures awaiting you.

Remember we are walking with y'all in spirit!

Love and hugs,

PeacefulMe

Oh ShootingStar I can so identify today. I was nearly divorced from my AH of 21 years when he died last November rather unexpectedly but in truth related to complications of his disease. I have done grief counseling through Hospice and continue individual counseling begun when we separated. I thought I was doing OK. I knew today would be hard since I have no children and the rest of my family is out of state. I felt the same grief start last night and went all through church. I went alone and knew I would be crying, sat in the balcony so I wouldn't be so visible. Broke down in my Sunday School class. Of course the sermon was about death and resurrection but also focused on missing family members in death. My service had the same postlude as yours, which came after the Hallelujah Chorus. I basically sat in the balcony until almost everyone had gone. My faith has gotten me through to today but I'm home now alone in my grief and cannot stop crying. I thought most of the crying was over several months ago but I haven't been able to stop since last night. I apparently have a long way to go to work through this. Everyone in church was in their family units. All I could think of to do when I got home was to come on SR in the hope that someone here would understand. Yours was the first post I saw. Thank you for sharing what you are feeling. I too wonder how did it come to this? When does the pain really stop? Most of the time I function fine but I'm a crying lonely mess today. You are not alone and I feel less alone here on SR

LoveMeNow

(((Shooting Star))). His loss is everybody else's gain, especially your children and grand children's. Some times God give us blessings that are hard to recognize in the beginning.

MsJojo

Dear Shooting Star,
thank you so much for posting. I can identify with so much but have struggled to articulate my feelings. I feel so much less lonely for you having written it.

tootsl1

Shooting star, I did not only go through the grief, but also the anger and frustration that he chose alcohol over us. Why, what was wrong with me that he could keep drinking instead of working at keeping together? He was nasty when we did see each other, because I had taken away his toy(me), he never really believed I would leave him until I did. I realise now that I had enabled his drinking, so I also had guilt issues when I cut him lose.
That's was 13 years ago I also had no kids at the time and resented the years wasted. I have a lovely man now, 2 gorgeous grown up step children and a grandson who loves me. I recently opened up to my husband about my own alcoholism, and the choice for me is simple. I want my family more than I want a drink.
My ex husband died last year of drink related health issues, ending a life obsessed with alcohol. I am sure in his dark moments, he knew what he threw away.

LifeRecovery

ShootingStar-

Thanks so much for your post. My anniversary would have been this week, and April has a lot of triggers in it the month we met, the month I realized alcoholism was on board, etc.

I cried yesterday also just about how sad it is. For me, but also for him and how much he is missing out on, and tried to take me down with him.

I learned a lot from my grief group. It took awhile after I got into Al-anon and recovery, but it was a blessing.

Thanks for putting this message out there today.

Redheadsusie

Sending you strength and hugs and just comfort knowing there are others here who understand. My grief today too is overwhelming............this too shall pass I hope for both of us. With love, Redheadsusie

Rosiepetal

I used to hate wedding anniversaries after we split. Surely it's only natural to feel a sense of grief for what we had dreamed about, a long happy marriage.
I am at a stage now where I remember it's my anniversary but it doesn't affect me anymore & when I hear the wedding songs although I still feel the sense of loss I am able to turn it around into a good memory, such as saying to the kids "Oh this is mine & your fathers wedding song". Good memories of the actual wedding day.
Big hugs, just ride through it.

queensbean

I have never been married and yesterday i ended a 7 yr relationship with a man I was positive i was growing old with. I know my grief is coming. Though right now i'm still too angry at him. but I know what you are talking about. I have been there with another ex which was also an A. My thoughts, HUGS and prayers are with you tonight

Hayfmr

Easter was pretty rough for me today. My AW of 26 years has been on a month long binge. We were supposed to be hosting a family Easter get together will all of our children home. All 3 of our daughters refused to come home to see their mother drunk. So we got together at one of our daughters and celebrated Easter without her. Pretty rough seeing all of the familys at church and knowing that my AW was home drunk.

I started filing for divorce close to 2 years ago. When she was diagnoised as bipolar she begged for a second chance. Things went well for 15 months, then she started drinking again. This evening when I got home I emailed the lawyer and told him the divorce is back on. Will be starting the process soon.

BlueSkies1

The journey of life. We can trace shootingstar's existance back to her birth when she came into the world fighting for and took her first breath, her days on the school playground, the births of her own children, a prior union, and the last twenty years. Now we see her standing in this church with tears over this loss.
What's next? is my thought. For every door that closes another one opens, for every chapter that ends a new one begins. A type of her own ressurection.
So now you stand alone. You came into this world alone too. You, are your own person, no longer defined by that marriage. You were always your own person, even when with him. He was a chapter in your life. But he didn't define you.
I can see you taking all this grief, all this energy, all this emotion, all these things--you created them--they come from you--and redirecting them to your next journey. That's a lot of energy, shootingstar. Amazing things may come of you expressing it in new ways.
If I was reading the story of your life, and I kind of am, I am very much interested in the next chapter. This woman with a strong will--and all this energy she exudes--I can't wait to read what she does with it. It won't sit idle. It's too much energy, bursting to express itself, and it will find a way.

ShootingStar1

I am a bit overwhelmed by the support and the empathy I find in all these caring responses. Thank you all so much. I thought I was alone in that vestibule with that glorious music and here I was there crying for and with many of you who have lost what they once cherished.

BlueSkies, that is a most stirring, inspiring post. I, too, am looking forward to the next chapter of my life, and these tears, this grief, are yet another release of feelings and hopes and dreams I was still holding deep within me.

Maybe that is what we are all trying to do here: release what is us binding us to a chapter that is closed or closing. Open to what is next.

Thank you all for your comfort and belief. Today is better. The new pansies are blooming, and the broken hydrangea branches that I re-rooted in a pot look like their tiny buds are growing.

ShootingStar1

BlueSkies1

Grieving hurts, badly. I know you struggle with it just like I did, horribly. How long do you want to grieve? Want being the operative word...to ask and answer only to yourself.
What if you set a calendar date for yourself? I'm gonna grieve over this schmuck, oops, I mean disturbed person, for X amount of time, and then I am going to set myself free. I may relapse on grief now and then, momentarily, but that's ok.

Grief is a tough one, and nobody else can tell us when we "should be" finished.

Btw...I like reading about your plants growing...parallels your own growth.