My sobriety ended my relationship and it HURTS STILL
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My sobriety ended my relationship and it HURTS STILL
Ive been addicted to pain meds for 3 1/2 years. I actually first got with Nic because I saw on facebook that he injured his knee so I thought right away "He has pain meds, and I want them." I'm a pretty good looking woman and I used that to my advantage throughout my addiction to get what I wanted. I used a lot of men and feel HORRIBLE about it now that I am 50+ days sober.
So anyways, I sent him a message on facebook about liking him, we got together that day and I told him about my addiction and said I was extremely pill sick. Boom he hands me 10 hydros. Well that would last me MAYBE that day and that was about it. I invited him back to my place that night and that's where it began. I ended up falling totally and helplessly in LOVE with this man. He was a recovering heroin addict and had been clean for 2 years at the time we got together. He was a heroing addict for 12 years before that!!!
He was bipolar a cutter and borderline personality disorder. I didn't know all of this until I was head over heels for him. He was the one who introduced me to smoking oxys. Up until then I had only snorted them or chewed them. He gained this control over me that I can't even describe. He made me feel better, he was the one that supplied me my drugs, everytime he brought me drugs when I was hurting I thought of that as a sign of his love. We understood eachother, it was him and I against the world. We lived in our own world. 3 months in is when the abuse started. He would cut himself in front of me, punch things until his knuckles were pouring blood, scream at me right in my face until I was to the point of emotionless staring at walls for hours and afraid to talk. Of course everything was passionate including sex. He controlled EVERY part of my existance. He promised he would never leave me, that I was the love of his life, his everything, the most beautiful woman in the planet. He told me everyday how lucky he was to have me. I'm crying as I write this.
The last month of our relationship we spent smoking pills, smoking pills, smoking pills and smoking more pills. I was to the point I could smoke 6 oxycontin 30s in a day and not feel high. I hit rock bottom one night when we got in a fight over pills. "Him taking longer hits, his lines on the foil were longer then mine." He got physically abusive, I ran out of the house to get away from him, across the street and SMACK I got hit by a car!!! Cut my head open, road rash down my body, sprained shoulder, sprained ankle.....he heard my screams and ran out to find me covered in blood in the middle of the street. I decided THAT was my wake up call!! So I decided I was getting clean!!! I moved in with my parentals with my 3 babies and that was DAY 1 of being sober. I told him over the phone that he HAS to get clean too so we can have this wonderful, healthy sober life. Well morning 2 comes. He doesn't text me, doesnt answer my calls NOTHING. 5 more days of this goes by until FINALLY I get a text from him of 4 simple words "Im with someone else." MY WORLD crashed around me. He was my everything. He told me I would find a man right for me but its not him. He lives with her now almost 6 weeks later. I KNOW hes not good for me but did he NEVER really love me? It hurts to think that. He did anything and everything for me when we were together and I could FEEL his love. How could he do this to me? I still think about him. I still get that gut wrenching feeling sometimes when I think about him. I know even if he comes back wanting me that I could NEVER go back to him. It just hurts.............
So anyways, I sent him a message on facebook about liking him, we got together that day and I told him about my addiction and said I was extremely pill sick. Boom he hands me 10 hydros. Well that would last me MAYBE that day and that was about it. I invited him back to my place that night and that's where it began. I ended up falling totally and helplessly in LOVE with this man. He was a recovering heroin addict and had been clean for 2 years at the time we got together. He was a heroing addict for 12 years before that!!!
He was bipolar a cutter and borderline personality disorder. I didn't know all of this until I was head over heels for him. He was the one who introduced me to smoking oxys. Up until then I had only snorted them or chewed them. He gained this control over me that I can't even describe. He made me feel better, he was the one that supplied me my drugs, everytime he brought me drugs when I was hurting I thought of that as a sign of his love. We understood eachother, it was him and I against the world. We lived in our own world. 3 months in is when the abuse started. He would cut himself in front of me, punch things until his knuckles were pouring blood, scream at me right in my face until I was to the point of emotionless staring at walls for hours and afraid to talk. Of course everything was passionate including sex. He controlled EVERY part of my existance. He promised he would never leave me, that I was the love of his life, his everything, the most beautiful woman in the planet. He told me everyday how lucky he was to have me. I'm crying as I write this.
The last month of our relationship we spent smoking pills, smoking pills, smoking pills and smoking more pills. I was to the point I could smoke 6 oxycontin 30s in a day and not feel high. I hit rock bottom one night when we got in a fight over pills. "Him taking longer hits, his lines on the foil were longer then mine." He got physically abusive, I ran out of the house to get away from him, across the street and SMACK I got hit by a car!!! Cut my head open, road rash down my body, sprained shoulder, sprained ankle.....he heard my screams and ran out to find me covered in blood in the middle of the street. I decided THAT was my wake up call!! So I decided I was getting clean!!! I moved in with my parentals with my 3 babies and that was DAY 1 of being sober. I told him over the phone that he HAS to get clean too so we can have this wonderful, healthy sober life. Well morning 2 comes. He doesn't text me, doesnt answer my calls NOTHING. 5 more days of this goes by until FINALLY I get a text from him of 4 simple words "Im with someone else." MY WORLD crashed around me. He was my everything. He told me I would find a man right for me but its not him. He lives with her now almost 6 weeks later. I KNOW hes not good for me but did he NEVER really love me? It hurts to think that. He did anything and everything for me when we were together and I could FEEL his love. How could he do this to me? I still think about him. I still get that gut wrenching feeling sometimes when I think about him. I know even if he comes back wanting me that I could NEVER go back to him. It just hurts.............
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: California
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Emotional break-ups are so hard to endure, but ending this relationship is a Godsend to you! Sadly, people with addiction problems often seek others with similarities, so begins the co-dependency cycle. In time, you will see that you and your children are so much better off out of that environment. Take time to grieve the loss of the good aspects of the relationship, but don’t lose sight of the negatives! Continue working on yourself, gaining strength in your recovery, so that you can be the best mom possible for your little ones! You are a very lucky woman; you could have been killed in the car collision. I wish you well in your recovery and in paving the way to a better life for you and your children.
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Thank you!! I heard a couple weeks ago from his cousin and his cousin said that Nic turns all of his girlfriends into "junkies" I KNOW god saved me from him I just never understood how someone could be totally in love with you one day and be with someone else the next day and mainly WHY I can't stop missing him even though he was HORRIBLE for me and my kids. What is wrong with me??
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Thats ALL I focus on!! Is my babies and my sobriety. I don't talk about, or to Nic ever. I just figure this forum is a place for me to "recover." Well one of the things I struggle with emotionally is this relationship. It was traumatizing, brought me to my biggest usage of my whole time doing pills and it was a devastating blow. I need to learn to work through my emotional issues by talking them out in confidence. Here I am talking about my issues hoping to find other ways to deal with them then getting high to feel numb.
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Yes, for sure, and you can learn to deal with your feelings.
Try to remember that they are just feelings and they don't control you. It's hard to just sit with feelings sometimes, but you can do it. Then let them go.
Try to remember that they are just feelings and they don't control you. It's hard to just sit with feelings sometimes, but you can do it. Then let them go.
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I have always managed to be a good mom. LOTS of love, always clean, fed, had everything they needed and MOST of what they wanted. When I decided to get clean it was because I finally hit rock bottom realizing for one I almost DIED. I wasn't driving when I get hit by the car, I was a pedestrian!!!! 2. They were witnessing an abusive relationship the last month and a half and 3. I was HIGH or pill sick 24/7. Before Nic I had gotten to the point where I was slowing down because honestly I couldn't afford drugs AND my babies. I had to choose one or the other and obviously my babies win that. Then Nic came in my life and supplied me with the drugs, more drugs then I ever had before. He was getting me to the point of considering heroin. Guess it's hard to have closure with him because he never gave me any so I tried to make sense of the situation in my head to give MYSELF closure. The theory he moved on to another female that shared his "interest" in drugs makes sense and I can work with that.
Edited to add: I always managed to be a good mom (for a DRUG ADDICT)
Edited to add: I always managed to be a good mom (for a DRUG ADDICT)
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Originally Posted by Coldfusion 
I hope you have a look at some of the other sections of this forum. There's a lot that can be learned here.
Thanks for joining!
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Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: NJ
Posts: 139
It's hard to control a woman who won't listen anymore. Be proud of yourself for taking back control. You're doing amazing things all on your own! Dont feel bad about this relationship ending- feel bad for the woman who now has to deal with him! Keep on doing your thing!
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Originally Posted by shoreladylu
It's hard to control a woman who won't listen anymore.
This has been such a nagging situation for me. One of those things that pops up in my mind every couple days and I just want to make some sense of it and lay it to rest. YOU my dear I think has hit the nail on the head.
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Originally Posted by HealingMySoul
Thank you!! I heard a couple weeks ago from his cousin and his cousin said that Nic turns all of his girlfriends into "junkies" I KNOW god saved me from him I just never understood how someone could be totally in love with you one day and be with someone else the next day and mainly WHY I can't stop missing him even though he was HORRIBLE for me and my kids. What is wrong with me??
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Originally Posted by HealingMySoul
Like which sections exactly? You mean to cope with feelings and emotions?
There are a lot of "thought for the day" threads here Alcoholism-12 Step Support - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information and in other places. And there are open discussion areas such as http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...part-40-a.html. Have something to get off your chest? Take it here http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ine-roses.html
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Join Date: Mar 2013
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Good Evening Healing, and congratulations, it sounds to me that this relationship was just another addiction... In fact, it went hand in hand to your pills usage. Somehow, it is easy for some of us to confuse love (real love) with abuse.Whether we feel unworthy of "true love" or deserving toxic relationships only, we end up in a downward spiral where substance abuse and toxic relationships become the only factors we identify to. We convince ourselves that this is the best we can do, and we go from one abuse to another. I am almost certain that soon, you will see how toxic this relationship was to you and that you will finally be able to answer this question (something dear to you and I can understand
Did he love me? He probably did but in sick, destructive, abusive and manipulative ways... Then can we call this "love?" You will be able to answer this yourself and the magic, is that you will finally be at peace with it...
No matter what, you are making the right choices and this is what counts: Right choices for you and your children. You deserve much better and I wish you all the best,
Sandrine
Did he love me? He probably did but in sick, destructive, abusive and manipulative ways... Then can we call this "love?" You will be able to answer this yourself and the magic, is that you will finally be at peace with it...No matter what, you are making the right choices and this is what counts: Right choices for you and your children. You deserve much better and I wish you all the best,
Sandrine
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Minnesota
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Congrats on your decision to get yourself clean. I think as you look at the whole situation you will see that your children will also reflect the positives of your going it without him. You have already shown by a privious post that your kids come first and they do. Keep doing what is good for you and your children and life will automatically reward you. Good job on the fifty days and keep up the good decision making. Lots of info and support here.
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Originally Posted by Odelle
Btw, if that is a picture of you, you are a striking lady and still young enough to find true happiness in a relationship with someone who will treat you with kindness and respect. First, you need to rediscover you!
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