dessy

My Ah is suppose. To detox this week and I have told him that if he goes back to drinking I will be leaving with the kids as I refused to live like this anymore. He tells me I'm threatening him. I thought I was setting a boundary. What do you think? Threat, earning or boundary?

bless5

Will u leave????? That determines what it is. Say what u mean and mean what you say.

dandylion

Dear dessy, I think that bless5 is right on the nose. Actually, it doesn't matter how he i nterprets it. He will make his own conclusion--and, probably will criticize you and raise HUGE objections!!

What m atters is what you do to take care of yourself and those children. Actions are what matters. Talk can be very cheap. Make sure when you make a boundry for yourself that you have the intention and ability to carry it out. Otherwise, our words are just so much hollow noise.

Do what is right for you on your side of the street--and leave him with the full responsibility for his side of the street. He needs to deal with the consequences of his actions---like we ALL have to.

sincerely, dandylion

Tuffgirl

In this instance, it was used as a threat.

Boundaries are lived. There isn't anything wrong with stating "If you continue to drink, I will need to separate myself and the kids from your actions to protect us" and then acting accordingly after your boundary has been crossed. But by attaching it to a specific circumstance - is he doesn't go to detox and stop drinking RIGHT NOW, I am leaving! - comes across as threatening and controlling.

How about leaving the decision up to him, knowing if he makes a decision that continues to be detrimental to you and your kids, you will need to act accordingly. And simply acting when that time comes.

Trinidad

I agree, don't put you and your children into the victim situation. Make sure you have a solid and workable and SAFE plan to keep you and your childrens life as serene/certain as possible. This is not easy, especially going through this with children. Look for the support you need here and closer to home.

laurie6781

IF you are making plans and have things in place, extra clothes and important papers in the trunk of your car, and have a place to go, and if YOU follow through on this then it is YOUR BOUNDARY.

IF he drinks again and you do nothing then it was just another idle threat.

Only you know if it was a threat or your personal boundary.

Love and hugs,

soberlicious

It sounds like an ultimatum. I was given one and it worked to get me to detox and subsequently to permanent abstinence. But, as others have said, it's all about the follow-through.