How to deal with my feelings of NC at Easter
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Join Date: Sep 2012
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How to deal with my feelings of NC at Easter
As most of you know, this has been a real struggle for me...maintaining no contact. This week has been very hard - my court date was postponed for a month, I had to let my babysitter go for passing info to my XAGF, and my ex seens to absolutely hate me for keeping the kids from her at easter. I am having a really hard time today. I want to contact her and see her this weekend. I know I can't. I know if i was able to contact her (she has me blocked) she would never agree to meet just me, only if my kids were involved...ie. she would use the situation to see them, I am just an inconvenience to be dealt with. I have no reason to believe she has stopped drinking or any of the other things that I don't want in my life. It makes NO SENSE for me to break NC when i just let my babysitter go for essentially the same thing. Please...help. Remind me that this is what's best. Letting go is so hard. i keep reminding myself that as bad as I feel knowing how much she misses them, SHE CHOSE THIS. She decided to go to court and break off our relationship. She made this move. It makes NO SENSE for me to pay a lawyer $350/hr and then let her see them just so i can get my needs met to see her.
OK, here's your reminder. IF you were to see her this weekend, what would be the likely outcome? That you would get a sense of "closure" or that she would tearfully agree that she has behaved horribly and promise to withdraw her legal actions and allow you and your children to move on with your lives? How likely is that? HINT: it's about the same as the likelihood of your spotting the REAL Easter Bunny delivering eggs.
More likely: she would try to "negotiate" with you and give you a bunch of empty promises in exchange for your allowing her to remain part of your lives, and then everything would go to hell when she drinks or does something awful (which she is CERTAIN to do, sooner or later), and you will be back at square one, plus feeling duped and ashamed and angry and hurt.
I suggest you let this Easter be about YOU and your kids. SHE is no longer part of your lives. Create some brand new holiday traditions that don't include her. As these new traditions take hold (and they will--kids LOVE tradition), they will associate the holiday with the new traditions.
Hugs--those first holidays can be rough, but once you get through the first ones, you will find the next ones easier.
More likely: she would try to "negotiate" with you and give you a bunch of empty promises in exchange for your allowing her to remain part of your lives, and then everything would go to hell when she drinks or does something awful (which she is CERTAIN to do, sooner or later), and you will be back at square one, plus feeling duped and ashamed and angry and hurt.
I suggest you let this Easter be about YOU and your kids. SHE is no longer part of your lives. Create some brand new holiday traditions that don't include her. As these new traditions take hold (and they will--kids LOVE tradition), they will associate the holiday with the new traditions.
Hugs--those first holidays can be rough, but once you get through the first ones, you will find the next ones easier.
i make it a rule to never share holidays or children with people who are taking me to court in an effort to usurp my parental rights. PERIOD.
what needs of yours are not getting met that cause you to try and rationalize how seeing HER would make YOU feel better? cuz that's what's going on here....you are looking for something or someone outside yourself to fix what is going on INSIDE yourself. what are other HEALTHY measures you could take?
what needs of yours are not getting met that cause you to try and rationalize how seeing HER would make YOU feel better? cuz that's what's going on here....you are looking for something or someone outside yourself to fix what is going on INSIDE yourself. what are other HEALTHY measures you could take?
Make plans now for what you're going to do this weekend. Plan every hour. Do not call her during your plans. Put the cell phone away and focus on your kids. Feel what it's like to have a life with them that's not chaotic and alcoholic. And be grateful for them in your life.
This is what I did. Eventually it stopped hurting.
This is what I did. Eventually it stopped hurting.
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Join Date: Sep 2012
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Lexie - your right. Actually she wouldn't apologize. She would be angry that she hasn't seen the kids in the past few months, blame me for all of it. She wouldn't drop her court case, she would (again) try to get me to "go to court together" to give her visitation/rights. I would be hurt and set back.
Anvil - you are so hysterical! Your right! why should I share my kids with someone trying to ursupt my parental rights? That is a very good question . I think maybe it is my need to feel like a family unit, which i always associate with her and my kids. I know my family unit is me and my children. Other than that, what need could it be? Do you think it could be unresolved panic over the lack of info about her anymore (now that the babysitter is gone)? i know a part of it is me wanting to please her, make her like me. (can we say codependent???) My rational mind knows that is impossible...but my heart stills wants it. Other than that, any other suggestions/ideas? It is crazy that in my disease of codependency I am so UNAWARE of my own needs/feelings!!!
Florence - thank you. I am planning on taking the kids to an easter egg hunt tomorrow. Church and cook dinner Sunday. I am so grateful for them.
Anvil - you are so hysterical! Your right! why should I share my kids with someone trying to ursupt my parental rights? That is a very good question . I think maybe it is my need to feel like a family unit, which i always associate with her and my kids. I know my family unit is me and my children. Other than that, what need could it be? Do you think it could be unresolved panic over the lack of info about her anymore (now that the babysitter is gone)? i know a part of it is me wanting to please her, make her like me. (can we say codependent???) My rational mind knows that is impossible...but my heart stills wants it. Other than that, any other suggestions/ideas? It is crazy that in my disease of codependency I am so UNAWARE of my own needs/feelings!!!
Florence - thank you. I am planning on taking the kids to an easter egg hunt tomorrow. Church and cook dinner Sunday. I am so grateful for them.
You and your kids ARE a family. Complete unto yourselves. Having a partner CAN be nice, but it isn't essential to a family unit.
Maybe that's part of your problem? That you lack confidence that you are "enough" for your kids and your family?
I think we all have some areas in which we think we are lacking--maybe we aren't handy around the house, or we aren't great cooks, or we aren't emotional rocks. And we look for someone else to "make up for" that perceived lack.
I am never, EVER gonna be Suzy Homemaker. I live in a very messy house. It obviously isn't that important to me. If I had kids with me, it would be a little better, but it would never be the impossible ideal I have in my own head. But there are "House Beautiful" homes where there is no love or laughter. No interesting conversations. No silly moments.
You can create a home where your kids feel safe, and loved. As long as they have that, the rest is frills. If you need extra help along the way, you can have friends help out, you can pay people to do stuff. You can take the best care of you and the kids that you can.
And it will be enough.
Maybe that's part of your problem? That you lack confidence that you are "enough" for your kids and your family?
I think we all have some areas in which we think we are lacking--maybe we aren't handy around the house, or we aren't great cooks, or we aren't emotional rocks. And we look for someone else to "make up for" that perceived lack.
I am never, EVER gonna be Suzy Homemaker. I live in a very messy house. It obviously isn't that important to me. If I had kids with me, it would be a little better, but it would never be the impossible ideal I have in my own head. But there are "House Beautiful" homes where there is no love or laughter. No interesting conversations. No silly moments.
You can create a home where your kids feel safe, and loved. As long as they have that, the rest is frills. If you need extra help along the way, you can have friends help out, you can pay people to do stuff. You can take the best care of you and the kids that you can.
And it will be enough.
You and your kids ARE a family. Complete unto yourselves.
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