TaylorLeigh

Hi! I just joined this forum and have been reading some of the threads to get some perspective and honestly it's making me feel a bit hopeless. I'd like to tell my story. Sorry if it's a bit long. I'll try to condense as much as possible.

In October 2010 I was 26 years old and had just got out of a ten year relationship. I was very much a mess at this time in my life and was overindulging in just about everything. I ended up spending most of that month with an old acquaintance who had come back to town to visit some mutual friends. In retrospect I probably didn't realize what a mess he was being that I was such a mess myself at the time. At the end of the month he returned to the west coast and we kept in touch here and there. I got involved in another relationship that lasted about a year. Until one day I decided that I needed to make it a priority to travel. So in April of 2012 I called my free spirited friend from the west coast. I knew he was already coming to visit our mutual friends in GA and I asked him if he wanted to roadtrip it back. He was into the idea. So fast forward through all the planning and such and by mid may I had quit my job/sold most of my belongings/packed the car and was in route to Savannah to start an adventure. The trip was a month and a half drive car camping all the way to Southern Cali as "friends". Halfway through the trip (and I want go into all the stories that led up to it. I'm sure you guys can imagine) two things happened. First, we became friends with benefits. Second, I reached my absolute breaking point with his drinking. I knew when we left that he drank heavily, but I had no idea how serious the problem was until we got out there. We were in New Orleans when I told him that he needed to get a plane ticket home. Someone how he convinced me that he would really quit. He said that he had wanted to and new he had a problem and he was ready to do it. The next week or so was hell. Being stuck in a car with someone going through withdrawals. HA! The mood swings were the worst. Just moody though. Never any physical or mental abuse. After that things got better. We arrived in CA early July to stay with his family there. They were so amazed to see him doing so well and I learned this had been a problem they had all been dealing with since his teenage years. We stayed there through October and during that four month period. He slipped up maybe three separate times. Nothing crazy, each time he had only had a beer or two, but he was always dishonest about it and only admitted when I confronted him. In October he landed a really good job in Northern CA and though I was unsure about it and how healthy it would be to be away from everyone, ultimately it was his decision and he decided to take it while I remained at my job down south. By December things were going very well and he had convinced me to come and stay with him. Again, right before I learned that he had been backsliding again and had had a few beers on a few occasions. Again, nothing major, and I should probably note that at this time he was attending meeting here and there, but nothing more despite my urging that he needed to work the steps to get to the root of the problem. Once I arrived things were great, minus a little mood swing here and there. No relapses and we were getting along swimmingly. Because he is in a company apartment I had to take a break from being there for a bit. So I flew back East to visit at the beginning of February. At that time we decided to take our relationship to the next level. He really seemed to be getting it together and things were good and somewhere, rather unexpectedly I might add, I had fallen in love. Although, if you were to ask him, he'd say that he's always been in love with me. My father and much of him family are alcoholics (I know what you guys will say about this) I know what that road looks like and honestly I never would have thought I would have ended up here. My intentions were really just to try to be a friend to him and help him where I could as long as he was making the effort. Regardless, here we are and now I do have these feelings. So I left early Feb and we had plans for him to visit me here and meet my family in March (last week). The time apart was fine for the most part. Obviously I worry, buthe works most of the time and we are on the phone for much of the time he is home. So I know nothing too crazy is going on. (Note at this point he hasn't been going to meetings for quite some time) So last week he gets here and this is big for me I'm really opening up and letting him into my world. Even though I've known him for so long I've always kept most aspects of my life seperate. The week in a nutshell was I found out he had been getting different kinds of pharmies from a guy at work. Then I discovered he had gotten pain pills at the dentist which he was on. Big argument. Apologies and promises to do better. Mood swings and bad attitude. Went out to a social event and there was another incident with him and a friend and pain pills. The whole week was like a bad dream. I'm still in shock. I haven't seen him like that in nine months and the fact that he would show up here like that, after we hadn't seen each other in seven weeks just blows my mind. I know it's not me, but it's really hard to get over. I know a certain amount of this will happen, but at the same time I won't sit idley by and be drug down. Am I being too hard on him or not hard enough? On one hand he is trying very hard to do it, but I don't feel he is getting the help he needs to truly work through it. I googled and ended up here and honestly after reading for a while I wonder if dating a recovering alcoholic ever has a happy ending? Does anyone have a good story or am I really doomed in this? Again sorry this is so long, but I didn't feel like I could do justice without telling the whole story. Hopefully someone will take the time to read that can offer a little positive.

kasie

Hi TaylorLeigh,

Thanks for the post - what you've said raises an age-old question.

In short, I'm someone who is an optimist person in life, so I'd love to say 'yes', you can have a happy ending. However, to me, the thing to remember is that the route to a happy ending can be horribly long, arduous and difficult. At the end of the day, he has to want to be helped for his own reasons. Dragging him to rehab/AA/the doctor won't work - he has to want it for himself, not anyone else. Lines like 'if you really loved me you would get sober' don't work; he has to make the choice for himself. A key question in that case is how long and what will you be willing to put up with when (if) he starts making the journey towards sobriety.

Remember that alcoholics are exceptionally good at manipulating and telling you what you want to hear (e.g. 'tomorrow will be different', 'I promise that was the last one', 'if you leave me I won't have anything'). I'd love to say those things are true, and maybe for some alcoholics they are, but probably not in the majority of cases.

Perhaps think about going to AlAnon. That way you can learn principles that will enable you to detach and love from afar, without getting enmeshed in the alcoholic world. Just a thought.

You'll find a wealth of information here, along with plenty of support! Keep coming back and posting, we're all here to help.

Xx

TaylorLeigh

Thanks for your reply!
I guess my thoughts on that are that he is truly making an effort. The past eight months he has been sober 99% of the time, but it seems as though a little back slide is normal at this point and is usually much worse. With the exception of this past week, that certainly rattled me. IDK I feel like he should be in AA working the steps and I sometimes bug him about that. What do I know though? I'm sure there are those who have quit without it. "The if you love me..." Convo never happens. It doesn't need to. He knows he has a problem. He wants to stay sober.
I've def put a lot of thought into Al Anon. I would like to go. I'm I'm a fairly small town so I'll have to check and see if there is one reasonably close.

pattyG

Taylor,

Forgive me if I'm blunt, but your BF hasn't been sober. He is using other substances to deal with his issues, and has continued to drink. He may tell you it is a beer here and there, but you are not with him a majority of the time. The reality is you are young and have alot of life ahead of you. You were raised in an alcoholic home. Is that what you want for your life? I can say this: 1 year, turns into 4 years, turns into 10 years in a blink of an eye. Sobriety is no drinking or drugging, working the steps and attending meeting. Period. Your BF doesn't seem committed to doing that. Please read more, protect yourself and consider alanon.

CeciliaV

Hi TL, welcome to SR, and I'm so sorry for what brought you here. This is an ugly, ugly disease. Some people are able to find sobriety and some are not. But sobriety is one thing; recovery is something entirely different.

My toughest lesson that I'm actively trying to work on is that my happiness cannot be tied to someone else's. So keeping that in mind, I say that YES there is hope for you to be happy. I agree with Kasie - we all need to figure out our own boundaries and what we are able to live with. I'm finally learning my boundaries after a long, arduous struggle with my A (and with myself!). I'm finally finding my own voice. And I'm figuring out how to work on me and let him work on him (or not).

I don't want to be all Debbie-down here. I'm a bit pessimistic at the moment because of all the struggles I've been going through with my A. But there are stories of success and happiness here. You'll find some folks posting on the F&F side who are "double winners" - both recovered alcoholics and loved ones of alcoholics. There are stories of strength and hope. Keep reading, keep reaching out. And please do remember to take care of yourself and to put you first. Like the flight attendants say, put that oxygen mask on yourself first before you try to help someone else!

And if you have trouble finding a local Al Anon meeting, there are always phone/online/chat meetings, and there are online and in person Smart Recovery meetings as well.

Sending you strength, hope, and hugs.

redatlanta

Yes there is happiness to be found with a recovering alcoholic.

Recovering is the key word there. Your BF is not. Staying 'sober' intermittently from alcohol while popping pills and attending meetings here and there is NOT sober.

"I know a certain amount of this will happen" IMO when you enter into this mind set that "some" relapse is to be expected then forget it. Yes, it is true that relapse is a common occurrence but its not a hall pass. When it happens boundaries should already be set.

As far as your future - well I think most people on here will tell you the same thing. While possible to maintain a relationship, recovery is a very hard road. Often painful for the S.O. because if a person really embraces sobriety in that first year that don't really have room for anything else in their lives. There are threads on here about it - how the other person feels a bit ostracized from the relationship. Often the relationship ends at the desire of the alcoholic as they simply can't focus on putting the energy into the relationship while putting the energy into staying sober and sobriety comes first. Yes there are people who make it through - they are usually long time relationships were all involved are seeking help for their mutual problems.

So I will tell you the truth - get out of the relationship. I'm sorry to be so blunt but as he is continuing to use, doesn't have any 'real' recovery under his belt, and you live thousands of miles away from each other (which is a good thing) you will be FAR better off to go your separate ways. Otherwise its just a merry go round of insanity with little guarantee of success in the end.

dandylion

Dear Taylor, based on my experience with alcoholism--my short answer is that committing yourself to this relationship is like running into a burning building.

My dear, he doesn't sound anywhere NEAR seeking true sobriety. It may take years for him to get there. You sound (understandably) ignorant of the nature of this disease. Plus the fact that you both come from family of origins with alcoholism.

You have been with him for a very short time i n the total scheme of things. Consider this a learning period--and learn what you can from it.

You are young. Realize that this is a golden window of opportunity to learn about yourself--and this terrible disease. BECAUSE you are likely to be vulnerable to those with addictions--or those with the same characteristics. Like most all of us, you probably are co-dependent in your relationships---unwitting, of course.

I will tell you what I would tell my daughter or m y best friend: Go to alanon and read, read, read! Get acquainted with yourself and become an "expert" on the n ature of addiction. Give yourself a chance for your happy ending in life. This doesn't sound like it.

sincerely, dandylion

atalose

Taylor,
I am truly sorry your heart has fallen hard for an alcoholic/addict. The heart is powerful it often battles the mind and intuition.

I know you want to believe he is really trying to be sober but the fact he is adding pain pills to that “trying to be sober” shows he’s escalating in his disease.

When a person truly wants sobriety and to stay in sobriety, they will move heaven and earth to get there. They make it their number one priority they seek out counseling they attend AA meetings daily or at the least several times a week. They stay away from people who sell drugs, they change jobs to get away from people selling jobs, they don’t go to bars or liquor stores, they have a sponsor they call.

Them saying they are doing it and actually doing it are two very different things. Our heart always wants to believe they mean what they say but our mind and intuition know differently. Which do we believe our heart or our mind – well that depends on which one you feed.

alchiewifey

Knowing what I know now I would not have any kind of relationship with an addict/alcoholic unless they had 5 years of sobriety, even then I'd be weary. If dh and I end up divorced I honestly would never even date anyone that drank at all, I had NO idea when we got married he was an alcoholic.

Hammer

I see a LOT of old-timers, or as they call themselves -- Long-Timers in Al-Anon who work their program, while their partners work the AA side, and they seem to have Very Long and Very Happy relationships.

Example -- my Al-Anon sponsor -- AA wife. His wife just died this last year, but he is keeping his head up. He knew her for 60 years, they were married for 56 years, and in the program(s) for 34 years.

I see plenty the (more typical) other direction, as well. My angels (I call them) -- older Al-Anon women who have husbands in AA. Decades and decades, each.

But to get the what and why . . . . go back to that first sentence in this post . . .

Long-Timers in Al-Anon who work their program . . . if YOU (and/or I) do that -- work OUR program, we may or may not get all that, too. But that is the important part -- work (y)our program, and then it may be so, too. But either way, if we are working (y)our program -- to tell the truth -- it does not matter so very much about the Alcoholic, anyway.

Just my dos centavos.

Bob936

It is more likely than not that the alcoholic/drug addict will not change.

You must accept that you are powerless over alcohol and drugs. You didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it. It is what it is.

The only thing you can change is yourself.

I recommend that you attend Al-Anon meetings.

Florence

Taylor, at this point I wouldn't be asking whether happiness with an addict can ever be achieved. I would be asking whether I wanted to be with someone who makes a habit of lying to me and manipulating me, who has had a lifetime of untreated mental illness and addiction issues, and whether you want him to have access to your home, your valuables, and your heart. My thought is that your rational mind says a hearty hell no. He's not dependable, he's not honest.

But knowing what it's like to be in the middle of things and trying to figure out how you ended up here and what to do next, stop paying attention to what he SAYS. Start paying attention to what he does. Instead of hanging your hat on promises, start counting promises broken. Any number higher than ZERO is too high for a new relationship. It's time to stop looking at his potential, and start looking for what IS.

Good luck.

AnvilheadII

he's not IN recovery. he's not TRYING. he's drinking and using drugs. in fact every time you've been with him he's been using something.

what you SEE is what you GET. nothing more, nothing less.

LadyinBC

I'm an alcoholic and this!!!!!! Actually all the advise here is good.

You don't need a lifetime of this ********. Cause that's what it is for the person on your end. Lord knows living with my alcoholic mother should have taught me that. Recovery is a lifetime of work, not a few months or a few years. I will alway forever be an alcoholic. I can't change it and I can't cure it. One drink and I'm in the ******* again.

My advice to many people in this forum has been to get out now while you can. Especially before you get dragged further in, get married to them or god forbid have kids and then you are stuck forever.

As much as you love these people you can't fix them. Find someone who will treat you like gold and respect you. When we are engaged in our addiction we respect nothing or no one only the booze or the drugs.

petmagnet

Hi, I agree with some of the others here. He doesn't sound ready. and it may be a long long time to live with someone who may or may not ever be ready to commit to sobriety. If I knew this was going to be my life living with an AH for 10 or more of the last 22 years of our marriage, I'd have moved on before getting in so deep. Don't get me wrong, I love my AH but everyday presents a challenge.

jmartin

Welcome, TL, sorry to hear about what has brought you here.

I would never presume to tell you what you need to do, but I think there is good advice here. I have been living with an AW for many years, ten years since she first admitted her alcoholism and has tried to get sober. In my estimation, her efforts have been just as effective as those of the A in your life. Good intentions, saying the right things, but behaving badly, relapsing, and lying about it. In general, an A is very capable of saying just what they need to say to keep you on the hook and appeal to your sympathies.

All I can say is, I wish I had left ten years ago. Partially because of the relapsing, partially also because of the constant swirl of drama surrounding the A and her disease. No matter what I do in my life, my AW always manages to overshadow it with some problem or drama of her own, whether relapsing, job crisis, what have you. It's always about her and her issues, whether some childhood trauma, interaction with someone at work, or just difficulty with simple life skills and managing relationships with me, friends, and family. She thinks it is okay for her be aloof, irritable, crabby, and bitchy at any time, well because her life is hard, and she "doesn't mean anything by it." But god forbid I have a bad day and not be cheerful and smiling, because then it is "my depression" that is dragging her down, and I need to get help.

Are there moments where I can break the bubble and get through to her? Sometimes, but at times I think it feels more like her giving lip service than any kind of actual breakthrough, because the pattern repeats shortly thereafter. It has taken me a long time to accept that whatever her issue is, I can't fix it, and there is no percentage in getting drawn in to her drama, partly because, I am convinced, in many cases, it is less about genuinely seeking a solution to a problem than it is about rationalizing her bad behavior.

I am not saying that will happen to you, because everyone is different, but this has been my world. My AW is about to enter treatment after fighting it for years. This gives me some small hope as she seems to have turned a corner of sorts in facing her disease. But especially after reading on this site, I do not have high confidence of success of our marriage afterward, even if she does get sober somehow.

But enough about me. Like many others here, if I knew then what I know now, I'd have cut my losses years ago. It's been way too much giving, and far too little receiving. Far too much time trying to help someone who apparently doesn't want help, they want to use. Life is a one-shot, and I will never get those years back. We can quibble about whether I would have used them any more effectively , but at times I do wish I had tried.

Fadedjeans

no happy ending here.

euchella

If you think he is not doing enough, then follow your gutt. He isn't. I returned home to my alcoholic husband after a separation of three months, and it bothered me that he was tapering off o going to AA meetings and not doing any of the things he told me he was doing before I came home. Five months later, I asked him to leave. He was drinking every day, and he made some messes I think it will take me years to recover from. Don't wear blinders. You sound smart. There are good people you can be with who don't have problems like his that can ruin you.

LadySage

I'm on the same page. Though going forward I would like to date someone who DOES drink. NORMALLY. I had a fine time not drinking when my ex was going through his sober times but would like the option to take my mate out and relax with a glass of wine occasionally.

Shadydeal

I think there are happy endings for some with hard hard work and loyalty to a program/desire! Unfortunately no happy endings here! I can only hope much learned! Never again I pray too!